A character in The Thick Of It
Played by Vincent Franklin
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
10th most-quoted character in The Thick Of It: in 38 of its 395 quotes
Most scenes with: Peter Mannion (28), Emma Messinger (19), Phil Smith (15)
(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)
StewartRight, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes! Hard boil 4 eggs!
(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)
(coughing) Oh, I can't get rid of this.
I bet you're looking forward to your holiday.
Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...
Carbon.
No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom.
(looking at two lamps) What is that?
It's just –
Is that raffia?
He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?
It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.
I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.
I know.
Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to old money? Because that's not me!
(confused) You've still got a video?
I'm a one-nation party.
(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)
Stewart Pearson(smiling) Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting?
(to Peter) You all right?
Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around.
StewartYeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff.
I was talking about the cold hanging around.
StewartOh, right. (Stewart heads back into his office.) Thanks very much, Em.
(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)
Was that fun there?
Yeah, it was useful.
Playing with the big boys?
Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh?
No.
(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)
StewartSo. How are you, then?
(nodding) Fine, I'm-I'm fine.
StewartGood, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, "Hi, how are you?"...
Still fine.
StewartThen, this photo call this afternoon, "100 Days of the New Leader." We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... (Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.) Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good.
But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie.
StewartYeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? Robert Palmer, Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on.
(in amused disbelief) Is this a joke?
StewartTry the suit on.
(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)
StewartJust wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?
Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' (awkward silence) No tie, you say?
StewartNo tie.
Quite a nice suit, actually.
StewartSo, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.
Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?
StewartYeah.
I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?
StewartJust try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.
(untucking his shirt) I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for not doing it.
StewartOh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.
(explaining the Opposition Drill) When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.
(receiving an alert on her phone) That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.
Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?
Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? (taps her phone) One button... (leaves)
Cher?
Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. (checks that Emma has gone) OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.
She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.
She's 12.
Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.
StewartAh Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.
Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.Peter: I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?
StewartYeah, who are you meeting?
Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.
StewartYeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.
Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.
Very funny.
(Answers his mobile phone) Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
StewartHow's the info-pump firing?
You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
Listen, Nicky, this - it's a war, right? It's a fucking war. Now, you can't change a thing unless you win the war, and you cannot win the war unless you're prepared to fight.
That's what this all about for you, isn't it? It's just about fighting and fucking... power. Does it never occur to you that your poisonous male obsession with conflict, which is making people despise politics? And by the way, don't ever fucking call me Nicky!
Spare me your fucking psycho-fanny, right? What do you think fucking Mannion's doing right now? Michael Aspel's cooler, fucking younger brother? I'll tell you what he's doing. He's sitting around with his pals, you know what they're doing? They're telling very fucking nasty jokes about your family! They're playing fucking pin the cock on the fucking donkey's face with your face there, 'cause you're the fucking donkey, right? So you should just fucking count your blessings! Ella's not been excluded. That's what you wanted, right? Yes?
Yeah, I really wanted Ella to be able to stay at a shit school, the only redeeming feature of which was the headmaster who, thanks to me, has now been forced out.
Yeah, well... maybe... maybe in a term or so, you know, we might understand if you... very quietly decided to move her.
Really?
Yeah.
(composing herself) Good. Good. OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something?
There you go, that's my girl, yeah! Indiana Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.(deleted scene)
(arriving at the DoSAC building)
This is mint. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a wooden horse.
Peter (quoting Tennyson's Ulysses): 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'
I meant the film Troy?
Awesome.(deleted scene)
Do you fancy a cup of tea?
StewartEr, yes, you got anything herbal?
OK, yeah. (walking off, to herself) Something perfumed and essentially gay. (sees Phil) Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. (Emma laughs) It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.
StewartWhere's Peter?
Yeah, where is Peter?
I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in Greenwich.
Greenwich?
I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.(deleted scene)
Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.
(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)
"We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?"
(loving it) That's just the sound of wickets falling.
(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)
Stewart.
(sarcastically) Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...
(answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart.
StewartLook, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's "Reverse Gekko." Greed is bad, money is awful. "I Heart Tracy Chapman," yeah?
(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)
(to Peter) He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers.
(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)
Phil. (Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.) Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, "Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup." So, no, the answer's no.
(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)
Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that.
StewartNo, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it.
(to Peter) Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it.
Tell him to stick a goose up his arse.
(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)
(answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he?
Stewart"Boo to nanny?" Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to One Show man and Holby City woman.
What's he saying?
Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking?
StewartIs Emma there?
Yes, she is here.
StewartThank God! Put her on, Phil.
(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)
Stewart, hi.
StewartThis is the brief. Got a pen?
Yeah, hang on. (to Phil) Have you got a pen?
Yeah, you're not having it.
(to Emma) Do you need a pen?
Uh, I do, thanks. (to Stewart) Sorry, Stewart, hang on.
StewartWhy don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down!
(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)
(to Phil) I'm serious.
Stewart(to Emma) Are you listening to Daddy?
Okay.
StewartI want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise!
(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)
Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more.
We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question.
Sorry...
Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off!
Where am I meant to go?
Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something.
(to Emma) You're going to be a lot better off without him.
What do you mean I'm going to be...
You're not going to be better off...
(to Ollie) Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work?
Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on Loose Women.
(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)
(to Phil) ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig.
I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going.
(to himself) Right. I'll go back to Loose Women.
(still talking to Glenn) Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of "gits."
Oh, right.
(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)
I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
No, I agree, I absolutely – (sees that Ollie has returned) Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird Derren Brown thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
Funny.
– you torture horses, and you're in The Bangles, that's what I've been saying about you at work.
See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
Well, don't flatter yourself.
(Stewart has finally entered the room.)
Stewart(to Emma) Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? (Stewart then points to the Piercings Man.) And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers.
He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers.
(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)
StewartI don't want to know.
(seeing Stewart enter the control room) How perfect. Who should walk in...
Stewart(to Janice) I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
Peter (seeing Malcolm arrive): Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the Gorbals Goebbels...
StewartOh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced?
I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...
StewartDon't say it again!
...receiving donations from...
From a sweatshop labour company.
(to Stewart) Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah?
StewartYeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb.
(chuckling) Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits.
StewartYeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing.
'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni.
StewartYeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks.
Look, do you guys have to make so much noise?
(to Janice) I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them.
Look, can you please get out?
No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here.
(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)
I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this.
(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen.)
StewartGather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition."
(in the studio) Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door...
(pushing everybody out) We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...
Stewart(to Malcolm) What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me.
It's not. We're going to move on to piercings.
Stewart(to Janice) Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...
Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news.
Absolutely.
And this is fucking news!
Bullshit! Right. See this here? (Malcolm goes to the "Shut Down" button.) You do it and I will press this fucking button.
Don't fucking threaten me!
This switch...
Richard, Tim in Ruislip.
You do that and I will...
(Richard reads the text from "Tim in Ruislip," which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)
We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...
Stewart(smiling) Ooh. She's actually put it through.
And he says, "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition."
(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)
That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in Ruislip', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. (imitates hammering) Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –
Yeah, okay, can you stop fucking saying that, please?
– FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.
(to her assistant) Erase it. Take it off the screen now.
If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
StewartQuite, quite mad.
(whispering to Stewart) You and I have to have a word.
Stewart(to Janice and her assistant) I think he wants me to step outside.
(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)
(to the "Piercings Man") Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on.
Stewart(to Piercings Man) He doesn't actually work here.
(to everybody else) Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! (to Piercings Man) Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here.
(to Malcolm) Get off!
I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there!
(The Piercings Man comes into the studio.)
Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead.
Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...
(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)
Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad.
StewartOkay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion?
That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. (whispers) Over here.
(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio.)
StewartWow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man?
He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your "common sense checklist," yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on!
StewartYou go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more.
Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors!
StewartOh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university?
Oh! Please, please!
StewartHey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah?
Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking rainy day to show everyone, which is a photograph of your fucking Shadow Chancellor, at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking blackface! What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? "Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor"?
StewartMalcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...
I have!
StewartBecause that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...
Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you?
StewartOh, yeah, funny, very funny.
And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job?
StewartNo, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to shit on his chest!
DON'T!
Malcolm TuckerPeter Capaldi · 184 quotes
Glenn CullenJames Smith · 129 quotes
Ollie ReederChris Addison · 128 quotes
Terri CoverleyJoanna Scanlan · 78 quotes
Nicola MurrayRebecca Front · 71 quotes
Peter MannionRoger Allam · 62 quotes
Hugh AbbotChris Langham · 58 quotes
Phil SmithWill Smith · 55 quotes
Emma MessingerOlivia Poulet · 40 quotes
Fergus WilliamsGeoffrey Streatfeild · 28 quotes
Jamie McDonaldPaul Higgins · 26 quotes
Adam KenyonBen Willbond · 25 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Thick Of It pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
