Marge Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Heh heh heh, from now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs!

Bart

Dad!

Homer

You too, Bart!

Marge

Oh, knock it off, Homer; you're the fattest one in the car!

Homer

[shocked] You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge.

Marge

Oh, look! This is the perfect chance to get you kids some nice church shoes!

Bart

What do we need church shoes for, Jesus wore sandals.

Homer

Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him.

Krusty

Have you noticed how there are two phone books: a white one and a yellow one. What's the deal with that?

Lisa

One's residential, the other is business.

Krusty

Oh. Well, that makes sense. But what will they think of next? Blue Pages?

Marge

We have those. They're government listings.

Homer

Why don't you sell your car?

Ah, my car ain't worth nothing, but it is insured for five grand. Homer, you gotta steal the car for me and wreck it.

Homer

Steal your car? I can just imagine what Marge would say.

Marge

[in thought balloon] Homer, I insist you steal that car.

Homer

I'll do it!

Grampa

[about Lisa] Aw, she's just upset 'cause I told her her brain's turnin' to mush. On account of the Simpson gene!

Marge

"Simpson gene?" That's just foolishness!

Grampa

No. Baldness, too.

Homer

We live in a highly technological age where fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light. [starts clapping]

Marge

We don't have a Clapper.

Homer

[clapping] Sorry, can't hear you, Marge, I'm clapping. [Homer claps for several seconds before throwing the lamp out the window] Nightie night.

Homer

See you in a week.

Lisa

Good luck, Dad. Although I'm morally opposed to the military-industrial complex of which you are now a part.

Homer

Aw, that's sweet, honey. I'll bring you back a hat.

Bart

Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.

Homer

No.

Bart

But Flanders got his kids torpedoes.

Homer

Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!

Marge

Homer!

Homer

But only if you're good. Even if you're not.

Marge

What on Earth possessed you to getting an earring?

Bart

Milhouse has one.

Marge

If Milhouse jumped off a cliff--

Bart

Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there!

Homer

Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count, I'll just estimate! Uh... nine!

Marge

Homer, you know we don't have--

Homer

Shut up! Shut up! If I don't hear you, it's not illegal! Okay I need some deductions. Deductions... Oh, business gifts![hands Marge the sailboat painting from above the couch]Here you go, keep using nuclear power.

Marge

Homer, I painted that for you.

Homer

Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require twenty-four hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam.

Bart

Cool!

Marge

I put the tax forms on the top of your "to do" pile a month ago.

Homer

I have a "to do" pile?! [looks at the mountain of papers next to him on the end table, which wasn't there before]

Homer

Good morning, trash pile. How's my—hey... [trash pile is completely gone] Woo-hoo! I won!

Homer

This is a very, very proud day for us, especially me. Your father, ME, beat city hall! It's just like David and Goliath, only this time, David won.

I know. I heard it too. Here's some music. ["Für Elise" plays and Lisa blisses away. Homer turns to Marge]

Homer

And to think you wanted me to crawl, Marge. Well, this man does not crawl, he stands tall! That rhymes Marge, and you know it rhymes, admit it.

Marge

Aw Homer, you did not beat city hall! They picked up our trash because I sent a letter of apology to the sanitation commissioner and signed your name – PERIOD.

Homer

Yo... You signed my name?! I feel so violated!

Marge

You have signed my name lots of times.

Homer

But this isn't like a loan, application or a will! You signed away my dignity! And I'm going to get it back. Lisa, do I have my pants on?

Lisa

Yes.

Homer

Perfect.

Homer

Okay, before I show you, who wants to guess how I got the money?

Bart

Dealing drugs?

Lisa

Drugs?

Marge

I'll have to say drugs too.

Homer

Close, but you're way off.

Homer

Look at that beautiful garbage. Other cities don't want it, so they pay me to dump it in this old abandoned mine.

Lisa

That's awful! I almost wish it was drugs.

Bart

Some of it is.

Marge

That's what I call 'breakneck' speed!

Bart

[poker-faced] Mom, a man just died.

Marge

Is that your wallet?

Homer

D'oh!

Marge

Hmmmm… anyway, it's time for the church picnic.

Homer

What? They had a picnic last week.

Marge

No, they didn't. You just brought a bucket of chicken to church.

Homer

If God didn't wan't us to eat in church, he would have made gluttony a sin.