Scenes with Marge Simpson 593
So, little Lisa, apple of my eye: how are things down at the old schoolhouse?
I find this demeaning and embarrassing beyond my worst nightmares.
[hearty laughter] And how's my little major-leaguer? Catch any junebugs today?
Oh, me and Milhouse took some mail from the mail truck and threw it down the sewer.
[with barely-concealed anger]: Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do.
What the hell are you talking about? You're the one who double-dared us.
[explodes with anger]: Why you little -- [strangles Bart]
MargeHomer!
[Bart and Lisa leave]
[as Marge kicks out Homer's class -- and Homer]
All right, we're breaking early tonight, class. For tomorrow, you should read pages seven to 18 in Lisa's diary.
Marge
You too.
Marge
Get out!
[Marge angrily pushes Homer onto the ground and slams the door, Otto puts his hand on Homer's shoulder]
Uh, is any of this gonna be on the test? 'Cause I wasn't payin' attention.
Oh, good. Reverend Lovejoy will make Marge take me back. He has to push the sanctity of marriage, or his god will punish him!
[Immediate cut to Reverend and Mrs. Lovejoy talking with Marge in the living room.]
RLReverend Lovejoy
[flatly] Get a divorce.
Marge
But isn't that a sin?
RLReverend Lovejoy
Marge, just about everything is a sin. You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.
Marge
This was a lovely idea, Homie. Come here and kiss me.
Mmm... Uh-h-h-- [a rotor system is heard and a spotlight interrupts]
[through a megaphone] Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Aw, come on! Continue! C'mon! Aww... [to Lou] All right, Lou, open fire.
[shows a used one dollar bill to Marge] And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while waiting for the bus.
Marge
While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost $40 by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
Marge
Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
NEVER! Never, Marge! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called ‘City Fathers’ who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?!"
Marge
Look, just get rid of the sugar, okay?!
[As Marge walks away, a swarm of bees begin to settle onto the sugar pile]
[screams] Hey! Get off my sugar! Bad bees! Bad! [bees sting him] Ow! OOWW!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!
[Rain squall has dissolved Homer's sugar heap]
NOOOO!! My sugar is melting! MELTING! Oh, what a world!
BMBritish Man
[spits out tea in disgust]
[sobs on completely melted sugar in the grass] My sugar's... gone...
Marge
[walks to Homer with an umbrella] I'm sorry, Homie.
[composed] It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why He lives on a plantation in Hawaii.
[Bart and Lisa are watching Itchy and Scratchy. Marge enters (in reused footage from earlier episode]
Marge
How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon?
Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, but it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.
[switches to new footage] Really?
Ren & Stimpy do it all the time.
Marge
Yes, they do, but when was the last time you heard anyone talk about Ren & Stimpy?
(Marge tries to talk to Homer about their love life, but Homer is half-asleep)
Marge, it's 3:00 a.m. and I've been working all day.
Marge
It's 9:30 p.m. and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool!
(cut to reused footage from season four's New Kid on the Block of Homer digging a half-eaten hot dog out of a kiddie pool)
There you are. Thought you could get away! (eats it)
[Ordering at a restaurant]
I'll have a brain burger with extra pus, please.
Marge
Bart!
Marge
Homer! We just got here and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.
I was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom. They have violent names for everything here.
Marge
[relieved] Oh, I see. [looks at the menu] Alright...hmm... I'll have the baby guts.
SServer
Psh. Lady, you disgust me. [walks away]
Marge
Oh...
[in the Itchy and Scratchy Land jail]
Marge
Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.
GGuard
[German accent] Ok, throw her in the hole.
[Guards go to grab Marge]
Marge
Oh, please, it was just a figure of speech!
Marge
I have nothing to say to you.
But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
Marge
How were you a political prisoner?
I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?
[Tuesday. The Simpsons are driving up a long mountain road to Mr. Burns' summer house]
Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.
Marge
Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?
[Wednesday]
Well, it's been two long trips, but were finally almost there again.
Marge
When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?
[Thursday. The family is indifferent about the trip and they aren't saying anything]
[gasps] Oh, no! We left Grandpa back at the gas station! [no reaction] What about Grandpa?
Marge
Homer... Homer? [sees a typewriter a single page in it] What he's typed will be a window into his madness. [reads] "Feelin' fine." Well, that's a relief.
[Lightning flashes, showing "No Beer and No TV Make Homer Go Crazy" written all over the walls and ceiling.]
Marge
Hmm.. this is less encouraging...
Marge
[screams]
[lights on] Well what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I'm thinking along the lines of "No Beer and No TV Make Homer... something something".
Marge
Go crazy?
DON'T MIND IF I DO! [makes an assortment of weird noises, then starts chasing Marge]
[Marge runs to break glass behind her and grabs bat inside]
Marge
Stay away from me, Homer!
Gimme the bat, Marge! Gimme the bat. Gimme the bat. C'mon. Gimme the bat! Gimme the ba-ba-baooululuulu. Heh-heh-heh. Scaredy-cat. LERRRR~!! [makes a scary face, looks at himself in the mirror, and scares himself as he screams and falls down the stairs, knocking himself out]
[Homer sees his timeline is now in a fancier home.]
Good morning, father dear. Hope you're well.
Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?
Hmmm. Fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan? Woohoo! I hit the jackpot! Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?
Marge
Donut? What's a donut?
AAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!
[just as Homer leaves in the time machine, it starts raining donuts outside]
Marge
[gasps] It's raining again.
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
