Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Marge

I take your sugary sweets and give you healthy items...

Bart

This is exactly why kids need a union.

I really need that cootie shot, my dog and I accidentally touched tongues.

Bart

How is this accidentally when it's the fifth time?

Lisa

They're using pancakes as spoons.

Bart

Ooh, let's see what else they're doing wrong.

I have twins I've never met.

Bart

When you meet them, tell them your game is too easy.

Bart

The point of the dinosaurs is: no matter what we do, an asteroid is going to wipe us out. So we should party hard and wreck the place!

Homer

Yeah, why should the asteroid have all the fun?!

Your fists are your sisters?

Dolph

Yeah, Pocahontas and Sacagawea!

Bart

Nice save.

I was so mad at him, I didn't have sex with a clown for five months!

Bart

Well, What about mimes?

Come on, I'm not made of stone.

Bart

Can we just send out a picture of the pets as reindeers?

Marge

We tried that last year.

Homer

D'oh!

Bart

Who cares what we look like in whatever stupid year this is?

Marge

You'll understand one day, when you have kids of your own.

Lisa

Umm, who say's we're gonna have kids of our own?

Bart

Not me, man! This cycle of jerks has to end!

Bart

Oh man. I can't believe they still haven't figured out a way to de-tangle Christmas lights.

Mom's boyfriend is good at de-tangling them.

Bart

[mockingly] Well, maybe mom should marry him!

She did!

We weren't supposed to tell you.

Lisa

Should I've married Nelson? 'Cause we still talk on the phone.

Bart

Nelson calls you?

Lisa

Well, someone calls someone.

Bart

The boys think I'm a lousy father.

Lisa

Oh, poor Bart. My daughter thinks I'm a lousy mother.

Bart

[laughs gleefully, but stops quickly] Sorry.

Lisa

Meh, it's okay. But you know who took her side? [mockingly] Marge Bouvier Simpson.

Bart

[scoffs] What did she do?

Lisa

She told me to relax and bake cookies.

Bart

Did you bake any?

Lisa

Yes I did, and they were some of the best cookies ever made in this house, but that is not the point!

Bart

Where's dad?

Lisa

He took the boys out.

Bart

How can he be such a cool grandfather when he's such a lousy father?

Marge

People learn from their mistakes, and your father made so many mistakes.

Bart

Boys, I've acted like a ten-year-old for the last 30 years, and I swear to you, I will grow up and act like a 20-year-old, the way a divorced 40-year-old should.

You're gonna have to do better than that.

Bart

Boys, I'm a deadbeat dad, I live in a school, it's Christmas. The only thing worth anything in my life is you.

Oh, Dad.

You've taught us the meaning of Christmas. Which schools are forbidden to tell us anymore.

Bart

It's time to start your annual mad dash around town to get her a present that's not completely insulting.

Homer

Is it possible for here.

Marge

Please don't say one again.

Homer

[whispers weakly] Onnneee.

Marge

Homie, whatever it is, it's not happening.

Homer

[furiously turns red and angrily grunts] This yolk-separating camera-hog was supposed to call you and say happy birthday! From her show!

Marge

[calms Homer down] Well, at least you remembered I like her. [kisses Homer which ticks him off]

Homer

[shocked] A pity kiss?! [turns red in anger] That tears it! I'm gonna call that Paula Paul and give her a piece of my mind! Huh? The phone's dead. Normal, normal, normal, normal, nor... Uncharacteristic?! Hm? A chew-through. What could have... [sees the rabbit eating wire] Aw... I mean, [furiously turns red and angrily growls]

Bart

Aw, he's trying to eat "ewectwicity."

Homer

[angrily screams at Bart] You let this monster into our home, where he chewed through our one and only phone cord!

Lisa

Wait! Maybe Paula Paul left a message.

[on phone] Hi, Marge! Paula Paul here, calling live from What's On Paula's Windowsill?, ready to wish you a happy birthday, but since you're not home yet, we'll go to commercial and call you right back. (beep) Hi, Paula Paul, calling back for Marge Simpson! Kind of a big moment for you, a little surprised you're not picking up! (beep) Marge, this is just plain disrespectful. I bumped a segment to do this and you're making me look like an a*s! (beep) Screw you, Marge Simpson! Don't read my books and don't make my recipes! May my curse follow you beyond the grave!

Bart

Check it out! It's on TV!

[on TV] They're booing you, Marge! An audience full of church groups and Marines!

Marge, go to hell, Marge!

Marge

[sadly turns off the TV] I think that's enough birthday fun. [walks upstairs]

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why you little... I'm gonna get... [grunts; turns his face normal] No, Homer. You can't strangle a boy on his mother's birthday. Juries hate that. So instead, boy, I want you to... [grunts; angrily turns red again] Get in that rabbit cage!

Bart

No way, man. I'm a free-range kid.

Homer

No backtalk! In the cage! Now! Get in there.