Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

[Trying to pass himself off as smart to let himself onto the rocket to Mars] Surely, you must know me! I'm, uh...the piano genius from the movie Shine!

[Unconvinced] Uh-huh. And your name is...

Homer

Uh...Shiney McShine?

Homer

Let's just have some milk and go to bed. [pours the milk, but milk liquid flies all over the place] Hey, this milk's broken!

Lisa

It's got a computer chip in it. Everything does!

Homer

Ooh! There's Ross Perot...Dr. Laura...Spike Lee...

Bart

Wait, they're not that great.

Homer

Okay, there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love...Tonya Harding...Al Sharpton?

Homer

AAH! Tom Arnold?! What the hell's going on?!

Bart

Only that ship's going to Mars. This one's headed straight for the sun!

Yeah, ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced them to watch. And I could've, because I'm a big guy and I'm good with knots.

Homer

Ooh, you don't want to get Zorro mad. [accidentally pours hot butter on Marge's thigh]

Marge

You're pouring hot butter on my leg!

Homer

Try some, won't you?

Go ahead, Ralphie; the stranger is offering you a treat!

[Takes a bit and immediately spits it out] Oh, Daddy, this tastes like Grandma!

[does the same] Holy Moses! It DOES tastes like Grandma!

I want more! [Starts devouring more tomacco]

Yeah, me too; so we take a bushel or a peck, or...? Oh, just give 'em to me. [Joins his son]

Homer

[chuckles]

Homer

I think I know what they're doing here Lisa. They did it to Jesus, and now they're doing it to me.

Marge

Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?!

Homer

Well, in bowling ability.

Miss! Miss! Sorry, I was calling the waitress. Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke!

Homer

Lenny!

What?! I paid $7.10 for this split!

Carl

Will you at least call it a banana split, you dumbwad!

Hey! Spare me your guttermouth--

Homer

The first meeting of Hell's Satan's comes to order.

Flanders

I move that we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all we don't want to go to hell.

How about the Devil's Pals.

Flanders

No, see-

Or the Christ Punchers!

Flanders

The Christ Pu... I don't think you understand my objections.

Sisters are doing it for themselves!

Homer

Hey! Why is this door locked?

Bart

Oh no, it's Dad! [Bart falls out of the bed, landing on a bowling ball on the floor]

Homer

[screams] What's going on?! [shaking his fist] And I want the non-gay explanation!

Uh, we're drunk. Really drunk.

Homer

Oh, thank God!

Homer

Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said.

[In Homer's thoughts] If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is--

Flanders

[Cutting in] Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all!

Homer

Aah! Stupid sexy Flanders..! [his leg bone cracks] Ow, my leg! This is the worst pain ever! [gets repeatedly hit in the crotch by snow mounds]

Homer

I got the groceries!

Lisa

Good! Maple soda? A cell phone full of candy?! Astronaut bread?

Homer

It's the bread of astronauts.

Bart

I didn't know Aerosmith made a cereal...

Lisa

Here are your lunches. And no trading them for fireworks!

Homer

Aww, but Lenny just got some bottle rockets!

Lisa

You stay away from Lenny!

Homer

[cooking meat] Okay, who needs another lamb rack? [Marge and Bart nod no] Lisa? Ham hock, Tri-tip?

Lisa

Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?

Homer

Well I think the veal died of loneliness.

Bart

Hey Brother Faith, how did you get the bucket off my dad's head?

Well I didn't son, you did. God has given you the power.

Bart

Really? Hmmm.. I would think he would want to limit my power.

Marge

Wow! He should have his foot insured by Lloyd's of London.

Homer

[Slurred speech] You just know what everyone should do, don't you, Marge?

Bart

I'm Al Unser Jr.!

Lisa

[British accent] I'm Princess Margaret!

Homer

[slurred] I'm DRUNK!