Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

Now can we do something Japanese?

Homer

Oh, I'm sick of doing Japanese stuff. In jail, we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play about the 47 Ronin and I wanted to be Yoshi, but they made me Ori.

Bart

Then we had to do two hours of origami followed by flower arranging and meditation.

Homer

[Japanese version of Should we tell them the secret of inner peace? in English subtitles]

Bart

[Japanese version of No, they are foreign devils. in English subtitles]

Marge

Honey, I know you want to see Japan, bet we're down to our last million yen.

Homer

Don't worry, ichiban. I'll show you something Japanese.

Lisa

Oh, it's beautiful, Dad.

Homer

It's a crane. The Japanese believe they bring good luck.

Marge

Oh, be careful. We need that money to get home. [gasps] No!

Homer

[Japanese version of D'oh! in English subtitles]

Now, Mr. Simpson, I know you lost all your money, but don't worry. The United States will not stand idly by while one of its citizens is stuck here like this.

Marge

But, Mr. Ambassador, how are we going to get home?

Beats me. Try getting a job and earning some money. That's what I did. By the way, "ambassador" is taken.

Marge

[cheerfully] Every truckload of fish we gut brings us thirty-one cents closer to those tickets home.

Bart

And I think I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do. [starts gutting fish] Knife goes in, guts come out. Knife goes in, guts come out.

Spare my life and I'll give you three wish ... [gets gutted] ...gaah!

Bart

Knife goes in, guts come out.

Lisa

Yippee! Time for the company loyalty song!

[singing] Knife-a goes in, a-guts come out [stabs itself] that's what Osaka Seafood Concern is all about. [collapses]

Homer

Well, this sucks; what else is on? [uses eel to change the channel]

Thank you. You have fulfilled our dreams and dreams of our ancestors.

Tune in tomorrow, when another lucky family tries to win their dreams on Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Wish Show.

Marge

Family Wish Show. Hmm. That gives me an idea.

Lisa

I think we all had that idea.

Homer

I didn't. What is it? Lunch?

Bart

Good-bye, Japan. I'll miss your Kentucky Fried Chicken and your sparkling, whale-free seas.

Homer

Hey, what's goin' on?

Bart

What's happening?

Uh, folks, we’re experiencing some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I’m going to go ahead and ask you to put your seatbelts back on. When we get to 35,000 feet, he usually does let go, so from there on out, all we have to worry about is Mothra, and, uh, we do have reports he’s tied up with Gamera and Rodan at the present time. Thank you very much.

Mel Gibson

So Homer, will you come to Hollywood with me?

Homer

You had me at hello ("smiles")

Mel Gibson

I didn't say hello.

Marge

I understand the electrodes, but why does he have to be on a treadmill?

Oh, that was his idea. He said he felt fat.

Marge

Oh.

You said he was concerned about satellites?

Marge

And their beams.

Any other strange behavior?

Homer

He quit blinking. He says that's when they get you.

I had a feeling that might happen. This carboxyl group sometimes causes problems. [indicates molecular model]

Homer

And we trusted you! [strangles model]

Marge

I think we should take him off the drug.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just go off Focusyn.

But we can ease Bart onto one of its sister drugs, like chlorhexinol, and augment that with some phenolbutamine.

Hmm, and maybe some cyclobenzanone?

That's a great idea! [they kiss]

Skinner

Good Lord, he's got into the pep closet!

Homer

I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.

Hey, I know how we can have some fun. I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with "D."

Dingus! [Nelson punches Milhouse on the head]

Homer

God bless you, Nelson Muntz.

Eh, I'm no hero. I just like to hit people on the head.

Homer

Well, here we are, kids, the zoo.

Bart

Well, that's great dad, except you were supposed to take us to the newspaper.

Homer

D'oh! [echoes throughout the zoo causing the animals to run riot]

...And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.

Lisa

And what percent is that?

Zero.

Zero’s a percent.

Homer

I smell cake! Cake that says [sniff sniff] "Farewell" and [sniff sniff] "Best Wishes"!

Your old man has an awesome nose.

Bart

Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.

Homer

Look Marge, they're paying me to eat!

Bart

Yeah, now if we can get someone to pay you for scratching your butt, we'd be on Easy Street!

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why, you little- [angrily strangles Bart]

Lisa

The food is exquisite.

Homer

And the view is... [the restaurant rotates to show a water fountain] beautiful... [the restaurant rotates to show a church] inspirational....[the restaurant rotates to Patty and Selma's apartment, where the two are in sports bras and sweatpants, exercising in front of the TV] nauseating...[groans and passes out]

Homer

The food at the Gilded Truffle really ... What's a good word?

Maggie

[sucks on pacifier]

Homer

Sucks! That's great! And the bread was really ... Come on, help me out here!

Ruff!

Homer

Rough? I don't know, you've been pitching that all night.

Chewy?

Homer

Chewy! That's inspired!

Homer

[after the funeral] We just got away with murder and it's so easy! [spots Milhouse with the kite] You know, I never liked that little wiener Milhouse. [attempts to run over Milhouse]

Marge

[puts a stop to Homer's driving] No more murders!

Lisa

So you were going to kill us!

Ned Flanders

[Chuckles] Yeah.

Homer

I want the news, not the weather.

Diddily!

Homer

Eyes bigger than your stomach, eh, Wolfie?

Lisa

Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now.

Homer

Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders?

Lisa

I think that was implied by what I said.

Homer

Implied, Lisa? Or implode?

Lisa

Mom, make him stop.