Dwight Schrute quotes from The Office (US)

Dwight

Most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd's crook. Which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.

Oscar

How would anyone even know...

Dwight

Have you ever tasted a shepherd's crook?

Phyllis

I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.

Meredith

[Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!

Nellie

Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-cupcakes?

Kevin

Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?

Dwight

What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.

Jim

Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?

Kevin

No.

Angela

No!

Jim

Done, right?

Angela

No.

Stanley

No. I want Tropical Christmas.

Meredith

Topless Christmas.

Creed

Tapas Swiss Miss.

Dwight

[locked inside Andy's office] Attention, people of the office. You have exactly sixty seconds to evacuate the bullpen. At that time, [pulls pin from grenade] I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide as well as...

Erin

Dwight, are you okay?!

Dwight

Whoa. That butoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Ten, nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple...

Erin

Wow. He got to purple.

Dwight

[on phone with Jim] I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills, Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of Handsome and Stinky: Paper Brothers for Hire.

Jim

Sorry, Stinky, can't do it. Too busy.

Dwight

Oh, God, this again? You're Stinky.

Jim

Okay, there's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something.

Dwight

Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great-great-grandmother who died of stupidity.

Phyllis

I have ears, Dwight.

Dwight

Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. [back to Jim] See what you leave me with here, Jim?

Jim

Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now.

Dwight

How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.

Jim

Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?

Dwight

Hmm. That's a good... question. 300 times...

Dwight

180... Um that comes to 25 minutes. [realizes Jim hung up] Yes. Oh, well, thank you, Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you.

Dwight

Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.

Jim

You could've just called that an alliance too, right?

Dwight

I chose my words very carefully.

Dwight

This has been a wonderful day. I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch.

Pam

I know. You miss Angela, don't you?

Angela

What is it?

Dwight

It's my Aunt Shirley. She's on her last legs.

Angela

Dwight, that's awful.

Dwight

You have no idea. I mean her hair, her clothes, its all falling off in great, big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit, because she was "poisoned" by Aunt Shirley.

Angela

What do you mean by poisoned?

Dwight

Probably nothing. Or Strychnine. Or Lemonade and Strychnine, which is actually what it was.

Andy

Hold on, why is Phyllis so aroused?

Pam

She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey.

Andy

Well, there you go. That's muy caliente.

Dwight

Ok, you are useless. I'll take care of this.

Phyllis

WHAT THE HELL!?

Dwight

It's ok, guys, she's no longer horny.

Andy

Excuse me, dirty birdie.

We can't just leave him bubble-wrapped like this.

Dwight

Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing that's stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation.

That's actually really smart.

Dwight

Thank you.

God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge.

Jim

So what is the problem?

Dwight

Angela.

Jim

I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation.

Dwight

Some sort of virus?

Jim

Love.

Dwight

Oh.

Jim

Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.

Dwight

You're a good assistant, Jim.

Dwight

[through a megaphone] Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Phillip's not my son! I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means I can be with you!

Angela

Can you put that down?

Dwight

This expresses how loudly I love you!

Angela

It's too loud.

Dwight

This is a ring taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.

Angela

Okay. Yes. Yes, I will! [They embrace and kiss] I love you. And I lied to you.

Dwight

What?

Angela

Phillip's your son.

Dwight

What? Why would you say...

Angela

I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.

Dwight

Get out! I'm a dad!

Angela

You're a dad!

Jim

Dwight, I don't know how to tell you this, but...we have a little bit of a problem.

Dwight

Oh, no. What?

Jim

The minister just told me that it's tradition for the bestest mensch to be older than the groom.

Dwight

Oh, come on. I've never heard of such a thing!

Jim

I haven't heard of it, obviously. But I'm out, because I'm significantly younger than you.

Dwight

No! Not—significant is a big word.

Jim

Well, either way, Dwight...[pause] I can't be there for you. I'm sorry.

Dwight

Jim.

Jim

I just...really wish there was something I can do.

Dwight

Michael. I can't believe you came.

Michael

That's what she said. [Dwight cries out in joy and hugs Michael]

Jim

Best prank ever.