Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

I'll say this for Clayton, he has great taste. Doug is absolutely charming.

Sophia

And funny. It's not every cop who could do a good Bette Davis impression.

Blanche

I think I'm actually doing a good job hiding how upset I am.

Dorothy

You mean like how you started sobbing when Clayton asked for more fruit cocktail?

Blanche

I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.

Dorothy

You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?

Blanche

There must be homosexuals who date women.

Sophia

Yeah, they're called lesbians.

Sophia

[on deception] You know, I once prepared a six-course meal with what I thought was chicken. But it turned out to be a---

Dorothy

MA!!! [to Rose] Rose, in my heart I cannot believe that Miles is a rat, he just fell in with the wrong people, that's all. Now look, I know you have a date with him tomorrow night. Keep it. I'm sure you'll find he's the same caring, sensitive person you've known all along... MY GOD, IT WASN'T MY CONFIRMATION DINNER, WAS IT?!!!!

Sophia

Your Pop sure made everyone laugh when he made the little feet dance!

Dorothy

Ugh...

Dorothy

I was just wondering the other day 'why doesn't our doorbell bark?'

Rose

Probably because we didn't have a bark bell.

Dorothy

You really expect this to scare Myra away?

Rose

Oh sure, look at the box, see the burglar running from the house?

Dorothy

And he's saying "YIKES!"

Sophia

The dogs are on my trail again, through the river, run through the river.

Dorothy

Ma, that's an alarm Rose put up to scare people away.

Sophia

It'll never work.

Dorothy

You'll need two new roommates, Ma will be moving in with us.

Sophia

No, I won't.

Dorothy

You can't afford to stay here alone.

Sophia

Blanche is letting me keep my room and I have an interview at McDonald's today, if I can see over the counter, I'm their new fry girl.

Rose

[to Sophia] Let me tell you about a lesson I learned when I was a little girl in St. Olaf. If you hold a bird gently, the bird will stay, but if you squeeze the bird, his eyes will bug out. [Sophia stares at Rose blankly; Blanche, listening off to the side, looks pained] And Mr. Pet Shop Owner gets very huffy and he won't let you touch the birds anymore. And the mice, he won't even let you...

Blanche

[hurrying over] ROOOOOOSE... what is eight times six? [Rose begins counting with her fingers.] Okay, now that we have a few minutes... I think Rose made two very good points. One, not all psychotics are dangerous; and two, honey, you have to let go. Dorothy's capable of making her own decisions. Does any of this make any sense to you, Sophia?

Sophia

Not completely. I still think Rose has the capacity to kill. [Walks away]

Blanche

[Realizes Rose is still counting] Oh Rose, sorry honey, pencils down.

Rose

I could've used a pencil?

Sophia

[on why she takes her job at the nursing home seriously] Have you ever seen what happens to a person when their brain is allowed to disintegrate and their minds turn completely to mush?

Rose

Hey, my middle finger's the longest!

[pointing to an elderly gentleman in the nursing home who has his arm around a woman] And that's Smokey. He fancies himself a ladies' man. Sort of the rooster of our little henhouse. Whatever you do, don't dance with him, he'll put the moves on anybody.

Sophia

Smokey, I want you to meet my daughter---

Dorothy

MA!!!!

Blanche

I know but now there's more at stake, everything's changed. It's all new and exciting. In many ways I feel just the way I felt when I was a virgin.

Sophia

You mean the feeling isn't gonna last long?

Blanche

Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?

Sophia

I'm just saying you're lucky Jack and Jill Magazine didn't have a gossip column.

Dorothy

Ma!

Sophia

Please, pussycat, I'm on a roll.

Blanche

I'm sorry, Sophia. But I'm not gonna let your skepticism ruin my entire evening. Mel and I were meant to be together.

Sophia

I wish I could say the same for your thighs. God, I'm hot tonight.

Blanche

I'm not gonna stand for this.

Sophia

Take it, Dorothy!

Dorothy

But I'll bet you'll lay down for it.

Sophia

Well that was just plain rude!

Blanche

Some people just don't know when to quit.

Blanche

[talking about herself and Mel] When we're together, we laugh a lot.

Sophia

Why wouldn't you? You're both naked.

Rose

Isn't it a fact that you have a drawer full of retirement home brochures, just waiting for the first sign of dribble on your mother's chin, to lock her away forever?

Dorothy

[laughs nervously] She's... she's kidding.

Rose

Your sock drawer, Dorothy. You know. The one you know who can't reach.

Sophia

I knew you were keeping pictures there, but I had no idea, you disgust me!

Dorothy

Look, I don't have to stand for this!

Sophia

Nail her, Rose! Nail her! Remember, a good reporter gets the story no matter what!

Dorothy

That sock drawer is MY business! Look, those times when Ma makes me crazy, I go in my room and have some pretend time, okay?!!

Rose

This is Rose Nylund signing off in a sad, sad situation. ... Thanks, Dorothy, that was fun!

Isn't she the most beautiful mother you have ever seen?

Sophia

GRAND...just GRAND.

Sophia

[entering kitchen] Dorothy, when was the last time you had sex?

Dorothy

That's a very personal question.

Sophia

That long, huh? Perfect. Then you shall be the Queen of the Festival of the Dancing Virgins.

Dorothy

Ma, what are you talking about?

Sophia

Once a year, the women of my village threw a festival to recapture their virginity. It gives you a chance to say to the man in your life "What kind of tramp do you take me for?"

Rose

We had a Festival of the Dancing Virgins in St. Olaf, too. Every year we'd go down to the lake and they'd be flopping around on the dock... Oh no, wait, that was the Festival of the Dancing Sturgeons.

Dorothy

What is wrong with you, woman?

Blanche

I don't know what I'm gonna do about Jason. He's reached a point in his life where he's anxious to settle down, he wants us to have another child right away. Well frankly, I don't know if I want another baby so soon.

Dorothy

I understand. Wait a couple of years and... [starts to laugh] Medicare will pay for it.

Sophia

Why wait? Have it now and the Enquirer will pay for it!

Blanche

I just don't know what I'm gonna do -- [walks into living room and sees Miles dressed in Amish attire] -- boy, you find out you're a Jew with a dilemma and these rabbis come out of the woodwork.

Dorothy

Rose...who is this?

Rose

Oh, this? This...this is...this is a friend...his name is Samuel Plankmaker. [to Miles] Samuel, these are my roommates. [to the others] Girls, you know Miles -- Samuel ! [grimaces] Shoot! Sorry...

Miles

I'm so sorry ladies, it's -- it's me! I was trying to play a trick on ya.

Sophia

Silly rabbi, tricks are for kids.