Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

Oh, it is wonderful dating in Miami. All the single men under eighty are cocaine smugglers.

Dorothy

The only time I get in that position is when I give birth.

Dorothy

You caught me one night sneaking out of the kitchen naked with an oreo in my mouth. We have no secrets.

Dorothy

Gotcha! You're trapped like a rat. Okay, so you're a mouse. Either way, you're out of here. [The mouse looks up at her] Oh, listen, you had your chance to- to leave and you didn't take it, and now I have to kill you. I mean, I'm probably doing you a favor. I mean, what kind of life are you having? What, you hang around sewers, you eat garbage. That's not living, honey. Believe me, you'll be better off once I put you out of your misery. [she goes to hit the mouse with the broom but stops] I have never killed another living thing in my entire life. All right, a bug, yes. I have killed bugs. But they don't count. [The mouse looks at her again] I don't know why, they just don't! I don't believe this. I'm talking to a mouse. The scary part is, I think you're listening.

Dorothy

Good night Ed. We are going to go home now and I want you to know that we'll all sleep a lot better knowing you're [Dorothy pauses] off duty tonight.

Dorothy

[on the phone, trying to get Frank Sinatra tickets] It's what? ... Why, you... you've kept me on hold all this time to tell me that it is sold out?!! ... NO, NO, I WILL NOT HAVE A NICE DAY!!! [slams down phone]

Dorothy

[to Rose] Sure you're five years older, so am I, so is Blanche. [Blanche gives Dorothy a dirty look] Alright, so you have a few more wrinkles, so do I, so does Blanche. [Blanche gives a dirtier look] Alright, you're a little thicker around the middle, so is Blanche. [Blanche now looks mortified]

Dorothy

At that moment, I was convinced I'd blown it. I was sure I'd made a bad first impression. But then I met Rose and I realized I could've shown up naked and playing a ukelele and still gotten the room.

Dorothy

Blanche, I could get herpes listening to this story!

Dorothy

[seeing Frank as a priest for the first time] ...tell me that's a Nehru jacket.

Dorothy

[watching a violent movie in a theater with Mario] Woah! Oh, I'm sorry, Mario. I just, I never realized that ripping off a nose would leave that big a hole!

Dorothy

And do not call me Mother Dorothy. I hate it when you call me Mother Dorothy! I feel like I should be handing out rice on the streets of Calcutta!

Dorothy

Rose, do me a favor and fasten your seatbelt... over your mouth!

Dorothy

Rose, I take it that no member of your family was ever a returning champion on Jeopardy!.

Dorothy

[taking microphone at restaurant] Ladies and gentlemen! May I have your attention please? The gentleman at table five, in the blue suit [meaning Ted], is impotent. Bon appetit.