Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

I...I love you. [waits for response; Tony doesn't respond] I said...I love you.

Thank you.

Sophia

And you?

I care for you.

Sophia

You care for me?

Yes, very much. I probably should've said that sooner. Oh well, let's get some sleep. [turns off light, Sophia hits him until he turns it back on]

What?

Sophia

You care for me? You care for a cat or a dog, or a goat. But I tell you I love you and you tell me you care for me? [gets out of bed]

Now, Sophia, I--I care for you very much.

Sophia

I'm going home, don't bother driving me.

Now Sophia, can't we talk?

Sophia

Don't even say my name. I reached out for you. If you didn't love me, how the hell could you make love to me?! I never want to see or hear from you again! [storms out of Tony's apartment]

[in bed with Sophia] Where does a sweet Sicilian girl like you learn how to do those things?

Sophia

I live with a slut.

Thank her for me.

Sophia

[on Tony] Last night I dreamed I was Joan of Arc and he was coming at me with a hose!

Dorothy

Ma, maybe it was just a religious experience dream.

Blanche

Did he put out the fire?

Sophia

Three times.

Blanche

Wow, the seldom-achieved Joan of Arc Fantasy Triple! Sophia, I hate you.

Sophia

What if I got gorgeous for nothing? What if Tony doesn't even notice me?

Blanche

Well, that's his hard luck. There are other fish in the sea.

Sophia

Yeah, and all the ones my age are floating on the top!

Dorothy

Now Ma, remember, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Sophia

I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

Blanche

[deceitfully posing Sophia as her grandmother] Having a chaperone is an old Southern tradition. Grammy brought me up since I was a child. She's the one who taught me how to put up peach preserves and make my own clothes.

Sophia

We was po'.

Blanche, you didn't strike me as the type who needed a chaperone.

Blanche

Well as I said, it's a tradition. We Southern families stick together.

Sophia

We sho' do.

Blanche

[to Dorothy] I need a chaperone. Now do I have to call in all the favors you owe me?

Dorothy

What favors?

Blanche

[to Sophia] I need a chaperone. Now do I have to call in all the favors you owe me?

Sophia

I don't owe you any favors!

Blanche

Oh, really? "But officer, the little old lady was with me; she couldn't possibly have put that banana in your tailpipe!"

Sophia

It'd be an honor to serve.

Dorothy

Rose, we have to talk. Now look, the food dish is overturned, there is a hole in the newspaper, the potted palm out in the hallway has been dug up. I cannot live like this!

Sophia

Dorothy, please, please don't send me away, I'll try harder!

Dorothy

I'm talking about the dog.

Sophia

Oh. In that case, I also saw him slip two twenties out of your purse.

Rose

Maybe you don't know the fun you can have with a pet. Have you ever actually had one?

Dorothy

Well, of course I had a pet. Remember, Ma, I was six years old and I wanted a pony?

Sophia

Not the pony thing again!

Dorothy

She promised me a pony. She swore I'd get a pony. She brings me a little paper bird on a stick from the circus, you know, the kind that you have to twirl around your head to get them to tweet.

Rose

And that was your pet???

Sophia

They're very clean!

Dorothy

Then she tells me if I'm a good girl, a really good girl, God will turn that paper bird into a real one. Which I believed, because, why would a mother lie? So every day I'm being very good and praying and looking for any sign of life, and becoming very attached to that ridiculous paper bird. So you can imagine my heartbreak when one morning I find it dead.

Rose

How does a paper bird die?

Dorothy

Good question! Someone used it to restart the pilot light.

Sophia

Dorothy, I never understood why your brother liked to wear women's clothes, unless he was queer.

Blanche

Sophia, people don't say "queer" anymore, they say "gay."

Sophia

They say "gay" if a guy can sing the entire score of Gigi. But a six-foot-three, 200-pound married man with kids who likes to dress up like Dorothy Lamour, I think you have to go with "queer."

Rose

Now I know no one wants to hear one of my stories right now...

Dorothy

That's usually a pretty safe bet, Rose.

Rose

...but you need to know about my cousin Ingmar. Ingmar was different. He used to do bird imitations.

Blanche

Well, what's wrong with that?

Rose

Well, let's just say you didn't want to park your car under their oak tree. No, Ingmar was different. His mother used to say he brought shame to the House of Hausenfeffershtuledunker. Anyway, you're all wondering where this story is going. So I'll skip the part where he ran up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs...

Dorothy

Rose, you're not skipping!

Rose

Sorry. The point is, it was shame that kept Aunt Katrina from loving slow Ingmar. And it ruined her life. Oh, don't let that happen to you, Sophia. Let go of the shame. So what if he was different? It's okay that you loved him.

Sophia

[in tears] I did love him. He was my son. My little boy. But every time I saw him, I always wondered what I did, what I said, when was the day that I did whatever I did to make him the way he was.

What he was, Sophia, was a good man.

Sophia

[breaking down] My baby is gone!

Oh, Sophia... [She and Sophia embrace as the episode ends]

Sophia

[about Rex] Boy, he makes Wallace Beery look like Adolphe Menjou.

Dorothy

It's been a long time since I've taken you to the movies, hasn't it?

[from the radio] I'm Dr. Kelly, and today we're going to be talking about "Mothers and Daughters: The Dark Side," and we're ready for our first call.

Sophia

[dials the radio station] Hello.

Hi, you're on the air with Dr. Kelly. I need your first name only.

Sophia

My name is...Cher.

And your problem, Cher?

Sophia

I have a 55-year-old daughter named Dorothy, Dorothy Zbornak. She's got problems.

First names only, please.

Sophia

I told you, it's Cher!

Zbornak, you said Dorothy Zbornak.

Sophia

Oh, sorry.

So what's wrong with this Dorothy Zbornak?

Dorothy

You know what the joke going around the teacher's lounge was today, Ma? Me.

Sophia

I know that joke.

Dorothy

Everybody heard on the radio that some anonymous Ma was complaining that her dependent daughter Dorothy doesn't have a life of her own.

Sophia

What, you think you're the only gray-haired spinster substitute teacher named Dorothy wasting her life away in Miami?

Rose

I'm sorry, Sophia, but in Dorothy's defense, that sure does sound a lot like her.

Dorothy

I just got the strangest prank call. Some man wanted to know if I owned a riding crop and a leather bra and if I could lick my eyebrows.

Sophia

What'd ya say?

Dorothy

I told him no.

Sophia

I guess we're paying full price for the cocktail franks.