Stan quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

Please, please Stan. No hugging, no kissing. Let's just do it and get it over with.

Stan

Sounds like the last few years of our marriage.

Dorothy

I wish it was that good.

Stan

[sobbing] Chrissy left me for a younger man!

Dorothy

Younger than Chrissy? Where did she meet him, Camp Snoopy?

Stan

I didn't want to say anything. What the hell, you deserve to gloat a little.

Dorothy

I deserve to gloat a lot! But I can't. I know what the pain is like and I wouldn't wish it on... I don't know how to finish that sentence. I usually say, "Stan."

Stan

Ask me anything.

Sophia

All right, when the hell are you moving out?

Stan

You kill me.

Sophia

I'd love to.

Stan

[after Sophia opens the door] Hi Sophia. I have a surprise for Dorothy!

Sophia

What? Now that you're off the blood pressure medicine its working again?

Stan

So Blanche, is Ted over here?

Blanche

What?

Stan

Oh I get it, he's in the shower.

Blanche

Stanley, your brother isn't here.

Stan

Come on Blanche. Did you get it with Ted?

Blanche

What?

Stan

You know. Cha-cha-cha, tango,tango,ole, ole

Rose

Nobody here speaks Spanish Stan.

Stan

Oh I got it, right, I can play dumb.

Sophia

Play, you could manage the team.

Dorothy

Ted, what a surprise!

It's great to see you again.

Stan

What about me, babe?

Dorothy

Go hug a landmine.

Dorothy

$5000...we don't have that kind of money!

Uncle Sam doesn't like to hear that.

Dorothy

Aunt Dorothy doesn't enjoy saying it!

I expect you each to cough up $2500 in 30 days.

Dorothy

What if we can't!

We'll just have to put a lien on your bank accounts, your property, and your salaries, and if THAT doesn't work, we'll just have to incarcerate you.

Stan

Oh my God. We're going to jail! [breaks down in tears]

Dorothy

That's right Stanley, and please, let me know where you and Bubba register for your china. [slaps him on the back and storms out]

Blanche

Hurricanes can be kind of fun. I remember one when I was married!

Angelo

Married?

Blanche

Uh... Mary. When I was Mary in the Christmas pageant at the convent, remember that, Sister Rose?

Rose

Oh, yes, Sister Blanche is quite an actress.

Stan

She'd have to be, to make anyone believe she was a virgin!

Dorothy

Stanley, you're a pig in a cheap suit!

Stan

Ya know, for two cents...

Dorothy

...you could get a better toupee?

Stan

Okay, that's it, I've had enough, I'm not going on with this anymore!

Sophia

[pointing] Angelo, look! Saint Francis of Assisi!

Sophia

Shut up and play ball, you yutz! [To Angelo] False alarm, never mind.

Angelo

Sophia, you're lookin' terrific! You haven't changed a bit in 40 years!

Sophia

Angelo, you're a priest, you shouldn't lie!

Angelo

Ah, don't worry about it, don't worry about it. Before the trip I said an extra fifty Hail Mary's in case I felt like cutting loose. ... Dorothy!

Dorothy

Uncle Angelo, it is so good to see you!

Angelo

Dorothy, you know something, you look more beautiful now than you did on your wedding day.

Stan

He just used up all fifty Hail Mary's on that one.

Angelo

Stan, you still a funny guy, got a sense of humor still, eh? [To Dorothy] He still make you laugh like he used to?

Dorothy

Well, not really, but then again I haven't seen him naked lately.

Stan

It's from Dorothy too.

If I had to thank her I'd choke on the words.

Dorothy

Please risk it.

Stan

You see, babe, it's all part of the big guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.

Dorothy

Mr. Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley, you're a horse's ass.

Stan

I really have to run now. I'm fixing a terrific late-night supper for Katherine.

Dorothy

Oh, really? In thirty-eight years of marriage, you never once cooked a terrific meal for us.

Stan

Neither did you.

Stan

Will you girls excuse me, my girdle is killing me.

Rose

He's wearing a girdle?

Dorothy

And padded shoulder.

Blanche

And knowing him, a sock in his crotch.

Dorothy

Stan, I am not driving around with license plates that say POT HEAD.

Stan

That's just an abbreviation. I didn't have room for the whole 'potato head.'

Stan

[on TV] Now, you can finally open your baked potato without burning your hands!

Rose

[watching wide-eyed] No, it can't be done!

Stan

[on TV] Yes, it can be done!