Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

[indicating Sophia, who is wearing a pair of dark glasses with prescription lenses because she lost her regular glasses] Ladies and gentlemen, Roy Orbison! Ma, where did you get those glasses?

Sophia

They're an old pair of Pop's, but at least they've got prescription lenses.

Dorothy

I know you can't possibly see through them. Now take them off before you hurt yourself.

Sophia

No, they're great, I see just fine... [Indicating Blanche] who's the black guy?

Dorothy

Oh, did I mention her last name was Feldman?

Blanche

Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, that can't be. I can't be Jewish!

Sophia

I'll be damned, the black guy is prejudiced.

Blanche

Oh shut up! Shut up you babblin' bobble-headed, bleached blonde...

Sophia

Baboon!

Blanche

Baboon! [storms out of kitchen and Rose glares at Sophia]

Sophia

She needed a B.

Rose

[reading Dorothy's "bio" at the bachelorette auction] "If Dorothy's not off winging her way to Molokai to assist Father Damien in his work with the lepers, you can find her hang-gliding high above the Florida Keys."

Dorothy

Rose... where did you get that?!

Rose

From your mother. Before she and I talked, I wasn't aware of any of it. [continues reading] "She's a scratch golfer who, under President Jimmy Carter, served as the United States Senate Majority Whip. And she likes to read."

Sophia

[to Blanche] I figured, close with the truth. It'll kind of anchor the rest.

Dorothy

I want to thank you all for holding this event on a night when my hang-glider is in the shop, and Congress is in recess, and the lepers are on Geraldo. Go ahead Rose.

Rose

Right Dorothy. All right, now let's start the bidding at five dollars.

Five dollars!

Stan

[entering lobby] One hundred dollars.

Dorothy

Stanley! What are you doing here?

Stan

I'm buying a date with the woman I love.

Dorothy

Oh geez! Not in front of people!

One hundred and ten!

Sophia

[to Blanche, about the bidder, who is a man they all "bought" for Dorothy] What the hell is he doing? Didn't you give him a limit?

Dorothy

Security! Have this man removed! He's a lonely male impersonator.

Two-ten!

Blanche

[jumps up from table] What?! What is WRONG with you? The woman's been with lepers!

Stan

Three hundred!

Dorothy

Stanley stop it! I am not going out with you. I would rather be bound and gagged, and left on an anthill covered with honey.

FOUR HUNDRED!

Four-ten!

Dorothy

SOLD!

Rose

Dorothy, I say that.

Stan

Five hundred!

Blanche

SOLD!

Dorothy

[pointing to Rose] SHE says that!

Blanche

Rose, do something!

Rose

SOLD! Sorry Dorothy, that's $500 for the Children's Hospital. I guess dreams really can come true.

Dorothy

Morning, Ma. Did you sleep well?

Sophia

No, I had that recurring nightmare. You know, the one where I'm in bed with Warren Beatty and he says, "Sorry, but this is too sick even for me."

Blanche

[on being reported dead] What are people gonna think?

Sophia

They'll think it's time to elect a new town slut.

Sophia

[narrating the play] On the way, Henny Penny came upon Goosey Lucy. [Blanche comes onstage holding a mirror and rustling her feather costume] One of the most popular birds in the barnyard,—

Blanche

The most popular!

Sophia

And the eighth-graders are seeing a play today about how to be that popular, safely.

Sophia

[looking at obituaries in newspaper] Whoa!

Blanche

What is it?

Sophia

You!

Blanche

What about me?

Sophia

You're dead!

Blanche

What?

Sophia

I told you, you're dead! You must be! It says so in the paper!

Blanche

[reading] "Blanche Deveraux, age 68..." [shocked] 68?!

Dorothy

Blanche, that's terrible! They're almost as far off on your age as you are.

Sophia

[narrating] On the way, Henny Penny and Goosey Lucy came upon Turkey Lurkey.

Sophia

Yes, poor, lonely Turkey Lurkey. Poor dateless, hopeless, self-basting---

Dorothy

MA!!!

Sophia

[narrating] And from that day to this, Henny Penny, Goosey Lucy and Turkey Lurkey were never seen a---

Rose

STOP! [to the audience] Children, kids, it's up to you! I mean, if you want to save us and not have us eaten by Foxy Loxy, applaud! [No response.] I mean it! I mean, clap now if you want to see the goose, the chicken and the turkey live! [No response. Sophia gestures to Rose to shut up, but Rose ignores her.] Come on, put your little hands together! [No response.] Save us and you won't have bad dreams! [No response.] CLAP, you miserable little---

Dorothy

[She and Blanche, still in costume, walk out on the stage, grab Rose by the arm and drag her off] Come on, Henny, let's get it over with.

Rose

But what about their bad dreams?!

Blanche

Let's go, come on.

Rose

[to the audience] Fine, but I just want you to know, there are monsters living under all your beds!!!

Blanche

Hi, how did the hearing test go?

Sophia

[to Dorothy] TELL HER WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID. TELL HER WHAT THE DOCTOR --

Dorothy

Ma's fine, okay?!

Sophia

AND?

Dorothy

I need a hearing aid, okay?!

Sophia

I read that flyer you brought home. Every time you get a pamphlet, I get that disease. And not just diseases. I thought for a while I was a Jew for Jesus!

Rose

Hi, Sophia.

Sophia

Shalom.

Dorothy

Oh, morning Ma. How'd you sleep?

Sophia

Pretty good. I dreamed I was making love to Jay Leno.

Dorothy

That's a strange dream for you to have.

Sophia

Not really. It was Monday night and he was filling in for Carson.

Blanche

If I got this job, it would mean going to Europe with [Kendall], to look for rare paintings and antiques.

Sophia

Well, if he has an eye for antiques, you should be a shoo-in.

Dorothy

Look who's calling the vase Ming.

Blanche

Is there any chance I can persuade you girls to join me for a murder mystery weekend?

Dorothy

Blanche, are you kidding? I have read every word Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler ever wrote. Sam Spade and Philip Marlowe have become a part of me! "She had more curves than the Monaco Grand Prix and was twice as dangerous. Her jewelry was mute testimony that Charlie Chaplin wasn't the only tramp who hit it big in this town."

Sophia

You do this on first dates, don't you, Dorothy?