Eighty-one years I've eaten fish on Friday, even when the Pope told me I didn't have to. I go to Mass, I light candles, I say novenas, and for what? So it could all be flushed down the toilet because my daughter insists on going out with Father Happy Pants!
[describing a dream she had] I was a contestant on The Dating Game, and I won. I went around the corner to meet the bachelor who picked me, and it was the Pope.
Why Frank, you know, I've been thinkin', this is the third Saturday of our relationship and I don't even know what you like to eat. Why don't you come over for dinner this Saturday night and let me find out what [breathy and seductively] whets your appetite?
[meeting Frank for the first time, is stunned that he is a priest] Good evening, Father. My, my, this must be an important cause. Don't you usually make the nuns ask for money? I'll get my purse.
You're the hunk? I mean... forgive me, Father. That is, forgive my language, uh- not in your official capacity. I'm not even Catholic, I'm a Baptist and you can't forgive us Baptists. ... Sweet Jesus, why am I babblin'? ... I meant that in all due reverence. I never take the Lord's name in vain. Oh God, now I'm lyin' to a priest! Why don't you just come on in and sit down? I'm, I'm Blanche, I'm Dorothy's roommate. Would you get the door?
[in confessional at church] I'm not here to confess, Father, I did that a day and a half ago. At my age, how much can I sin? What, I had an impure thought? I'd kill to have an impure thought. But that would be two sins. But now I'm telling you your business. Let me get to the real point of my visit. It's about you and my daughter. I know everything, and frankly, I'm not thrilled.
[Cut to inside the confessional. Sophia thinks the priest she is talking to is Frank, but it's actually a different priest. The priest inside the confessional looks horrified.]
Of course, if you want to break your mother's heart and leave the priesthood, that's between you and the Vatican. But there are a few things you should know about Dorothy before you get carried away.
DDeacon
[outside confessional] So, Frank, have you made your decision?
[inside confessional, still thinking she is talking to Frank] Look, I know priests are men and they have urges. What is it, lust? It'll pass. I do without, you get used to it. Get cable TV.
