[voiceover] While my dad's plan to dance sank, Erica was ready to rise to the occasion.
Mom, guess what? I actually got Principal Ball to say yes, so the dirty dance is back on.
Well, that is very surprising to me, schmoop-aloo! [chuckling] I can't believe I did it. Uh, you! You did it, not me. I was here. [chuckling again] Mopping.
The dance is back on? That means I can still swayze you.
Let it go, Geoff. I'm not gonna sensually gyrate with you.
If I'm gonna get dirty with anyone, it's gonna be Marc McGonagle.
Erica, I'm begging you. Give me a chance to groove all up on you.
Let our bodies speak without words.
Stop! Nobody's body is speaking to any other bodies. This is just a school dance.
Ugh, again with that awful movie.
R"Naked" Rob
Think about it, dude. The school is letting us dirty-dance. They want us to get freaky.
Unh! Ladies' man Cogan bringing it dirty, y'all!
That was not in the movie.
Yeah, we never saw the movie, but the title says it all.
Guys, if you're gonna dirty-dance, at least do it right.
[They all practice dirty-dancing]
[voiceover] After my dad's botched dance lesson, it seemed this was as close to "dirty dancing" as he would get.
Look at him. Has to be special effects. No one can lift a tiny lady like that.
You're finally watching that movie, huh?
I know I promised I'd take Bevy out dancing, but I can't do it. I'll look stupid.
Since when do you care about how you look? You spend half your life puttering around this house in your underpants.
Well, that's about comfort. It's also a warning shot to outsiders that you're not welcome.
All I'm saying is, you always care less about what other people think. Why is this different?
Let me be honest with you. [sighs] I don't like to move my body.
Now, the thing is, I'm afraid. Dancing in front of all those people with their judgy eyes -- I-I can't do it.
Well, you'll never know how you'll look if you don't try.
[voiceover] Pops was right. My dad had to see for himself. Luckily, he spotted my trusty camera. And, with no one around, he decided to give dancing a shot. He grooved, he grinded, he gyrated, he did...whatever this is.
Look at me! Ha ha ha! I'm a guy who dances now!
[voiceover] He danced like no one was watching, and luckily, no one was.
[voiceover] The soda pop hop was in full effect. It was less than thrilling.
The '50s suck. To think I dressed up in my good rush shirt and everything.
[voiceover] Thankfully for every kid in that gym, Erica and her friends had other plans.
It's 21:00. Operation "dance my way into Erica's heart" is a go.
R"Naked" Rob
It's way too long.
[Erica comes into the hall in slow-motion]
[voiceover] Yep, Erica was a girl on a mission -- make a squeaky-clean dance a little more dirty.
I love sharing secrets with you!
R"Naked" Rob
Way too loud.
[Geoff, "Naked" Rob and Andy get on the stage]
[to DJ] Hey, dude, some guy, like, barfed on your van.
[He begins to chase after Andy Cogan]
[voiceover] It was March 16, 1980-something, and my brother went to pick up his girlfriend, Lainey. One problem, he had to get by her dad first.
[Bill lets Barry in]
Lainey! The screamy kid with the crazy eyebrows is here.
Special night. It's our 10-month anniversary.
Anniversaries are for years, not months, so you're celebrating nothing. Let me see your wallet.
$6? Where do you plan to take her tonight? A vending machine at a bus station?
Oh, it's fine. She usually pays. [chuckles]
[Rock music plays as Lainey comes downstairs to see Barry]
Nope! Absolutely not! [Music stops] Shutting it down. [clears throat]
If that jacket hits the floor tonight, so do you. Okay, kids, have a great time.
[voiceover] Even though Barry had won the love of his life, it was becoming clear he had not won over her dad.
[sighs] Yet. Nothing like a cold one after work, am I right?
Amen to that, brother! Love me the old brew ha-ha, nectar of the gods, foam hammer, wheat and greet, little truth water, golden problem solver, beer. Move over, rover. [sitting next to Bill on the couch]
Are you telling me you drink?
You just said you love cold suds. So which is it? Are you a lush or a liar?
I'm gonna grab us a refill, Mur. You want a six pack, Mickey Mantle?
[Bill stands up and grab them a refill]
I'm probably being a little paranoid, but it kind of seems like Bill hates my living guts.
I don't get it. Mom says I'm literally a human ray of sunshine.
Your mom's a nice lady, but she's done some real damage to you.
I need Bill to be my friend. He's like a father to Lainey.
You're the boyfriend. No dad likes the guy who's dating his daughter.
So it's not personal. Yes! Top shelf.
Okay, got to beat my record.
[voiceover] While Barry was happily distracted, I was focused on pulling off the biggest scam ever.
Dude, what are you doing?
I had a revelation. Why create one fake name and get 12 tapes, when you can create infinite fake names and get all the tapes?
Are you sure this is a good idea?
I've thought of everything, Erica. See, Columbia House has agents everywhere looking to collect their money. But I'll be one step ahead of them with this. Each of my phony identities has elaborately fleshed-out backstories that I've completely committed to memory.
Optimus O'Prime? Really, dude? Whose first name is Optimus?
This guy. He's a 41-year-old truck driver who spends his long nights on the road jamming to the soft-rock styling of Chicago.
Because I'm praying God, Erica. Meet Dr. Garth Vader Stein. He's got asthma and issues with his son. He's also got an insane love of Hall & Oates.
Well, we all have hobbies.
Next, meet Stu Voltron, age 43. He's a divorced vegetarian. The only thing he loves more than animals? Billy Joel.
I think maybe you should pump the brakes on your life of crime.
I think you should beat it, narc.
[Doorbell rings]
[voiceover] As I was in way over my head, Barry was trying to make some headway with Bill.
[getting out of his car; laughing] There he is.
It's happening. He's changed his mind about me.
Anthony Balsamo, you old son of a gun. [hugging Anthony Balsamo] Where you been? Why don't you come around anymore?
AAnthony
'Cause your beautiful daughter broke up with me.
Ah, women. Who can understand them?
AAnthony
Hey, when am I gonna see you out on the links again?
My buddy and I have a tee time this weekend. You should caddy for me. Keep this duffer on the green. Look out! [laughs]
I hate it when my dad talks golf with my ex. They used to do it all the time when we dated.
Your dad like him while you two were dating? I thought he hated me 'cause I'm your boyfriend.
Oh, sweetie, no. My dad hates you as, like, a person. You being my boyfriend is just a happy coincidence.
Well, don't worry. I know a man who's got the inside track on your dad, and he'll be more than happy to help me.
What is that? Is that a yes or a no?
You're mashing yes and no together. Speak clearly in English words.
Come on, Dad. You're Bill's best friend. Just talk to him for me.
Talk? We mostly sit in comfortable silence and drink.
You never once told him how cool or funny or athletic I am?
You know, it's never come up, and I don't think it ever will.
Can you at least tell him how good I am at getting all the shampoo out of my hair in the shower?
Did you tell him how I can palm a volleyball?
No, 'cause you can't do it consistently.
Tell him how good I am at all-you-can-eat shrimp. That red lobster hates me, tell him.
Fine. If you're not gonna tell him about me, at least tell me about him.
All I can tell you is he likes cheesesteaks and the cowboys.
That's all you know about him?
Oh! He also likes John Denver.
[voiceover] And so my brother was scheming to win over Bill. Meanwhile, my mom was about to get wise to my scheme.
MMailman
Got a package for Papa Smurfenstein.
I think you've got the wrong address.
MMailman
I suppose that means there's also no Inspector Gadget?
MMailman
John McClaneberg?
MMailman
Hulk Hulkerstein?
MMailman
Jean Claude Van Thunderdome?
MMailman
Let me guess. You have teenagers? Well, one of them's been using a lot of fake names to get free tapes.
Well, I think it's obvious who's responsible. [slamming the door]
Yes, you. Who else would it be?
Kermit D. Fonz? That's got Adam written all over it.
You expect me to believe that Adam did this?
My delicious little snuggle monster?
He's guilty. Tell her you're guilty.
Why does she say these things, Mama? I'm just a little boy.
See? He's has an alibi. He's a little boy.
Why do you always blame me for everything? Just open the box and look at the tapes, and you'll see it wasn't me.
[sighs, then opens the box and looks at the tapes] "Weird Al, The songs of Fraggle Rock, The best of Andrew Lloyd Webber." And, finally, "101 farts, volume 2." [She closes the box and puts it back down] Hope it was worth it, Erica. You're grounded for a month. No phone, no crimper.
A month with smooth hair? Are you crazy? [to Adam] Tell her!
Okay, fine. It really was me. [stutters] It was such a good deal. I got caught in the heat of the moment. Which is also a song I got for a fraction of a penny.
Shh, you don't have to lie for her anymore.
Let mama make you a banana split. [chuckles] Okay? You get nothing.
Oof, tough break. [he hands a tape to Erica] Take Sheila E. For your troubles.
[chucking it away clattering] This is ridiculous. Why do I always get blamed for everything that goes wrong in this house?
'Cause you do most of it.
You know, if Mom thinks I'm so bad, maybe it's time to show her how bad I can really be.
[She stands up and leaves Adam]
Wait, this was you holding back? Oh, this is not good.
[voiceover] Tired of being labeled the troublemaker, my sister decided to live up to her name.
Wow, yeah, okay. Let's do this. Let's shoplift.
Trust me... It's super fun and easy. And also the only thing that really makes me feel alive. Ooh! Fanny packs.
I mean, how much worse is shoplifting than scamming Columbia house anyway? Getting 12 tapes for a penny is like the same thing as shoplifting.
[whispering] Just a tip... Maybe don't say "shoplifting" so much while you're shoplifting.
Right, gotcha. 'Cause we're not shoplifting, which is, by the way, totally a victimless crime.
I'm hearing a lot of justifying and not a lot of stealing. [opening her jacket showing the stuff] Catch up, girl.
[voiceover] Yep, my sister was ready for a life of crime just as Barry was preparing to steal Bill's heart.
[Bill and Murray arrive to see Barry]
Gentlemen! Thought you might like to load up on some meat and cheese before an active day in the hot sun. You're a fan, right, Bill?
Of Geno's cheesesteaks. You bought Pat's. Why not just punch me in the face?
Aren't they directly across the street from each other with the exact same ingredients?
Go on, punch my face. Do it.
Or we go to the eagles-cowboys game. 50-yard line, root for America's team?
I thought you were a diehard Eagles fan.
Until I discovered the Cowboys, my other favorite team, which happens to be yours.
You're gonna turn on the Eagles just like that? Son, don't you have any spine at all?
No. But you know what I do have? Matching bucket hats!
'Cause you love Bob Denver. You know, Gilligan, from the island.
I don't like Bob Denver. I like John Denver.
Yes, one is folk icon who melts my heart. The other is a scrawny weirdo who couldn't close with Ginger or Mary Ann.
[laughs] I totally know the difference. I'm just busting chops. I just got you this hat so your head won't burn.
No, you have a beautiful head of hair. On the sides. You look like a judge.
Well, it's almost tee time. Come on, Barry. You're gonna come with us today.
Yeah, I invited the boy to join us.
Yeah, Barry and I play golf all the time. It's our thing.
I've never golfed with you, not once.
Moron, I'm doing you a solid. Don't blow this.
[Barry agrees to join them]
[voiceover] My dad did Barry the rare solid. Now, all Barry had to do was drive it home with Bill.
[clapping his hands] Ah, golf. The sports of kings. And queens, equal rights. [chuckles] I respect your foxy daughter. No, not foxy, she's an uggo to me. Not everyone else. They all think she has an awesome, plump butt.
Okay, we're trying way too hard.
No, don't do that either.
AAnthony
Wild Bill! You need a caddy?
Anthony Balsamo's here? I can't complete with him. He's a total babe.
Relax, you're playing golf with Bill. He's just the caddy.
You're right. He's the caddy, the guy behind the guy. He's the one in Bill's ear whispering sweet advice. That's what I got to do.
Hey, pretty boy. Take a lap, I got this. [He dashes off] Just give me a sec. I'll catch up. [He picks up two golf bags with clubs in them but drops a lot of clubs]
MMailman
Hey, I got a package for Lucky Goldberg. Gonna need your signature.
MMailman
Then I don't know what to do. [Beverly seems to slam the door] Please don't slam the door.
The nerve of that Erica. First she frames her brother, and then she ropes in our sweet little puppy. You're not cut out for a life of crime. You're just a cockapoo.
I mean, it's like that girl doesn't ever hear a word to say.
She's my daughter. How come she refuses to listen to me?
My God, woman. I ordered the damn tapes. I saw Adam do it, and I wanted in.
[voiceover] With that, my mom finally realized she did blame Erica for everything, even when she was clearly innocent.
Uh, Mom? It's for you. Erica's in mall jail.
[voiceover] And two seconds later, Erica was back to being guilty.
I stole something else, but you're never gonna find it.
DFDoug Fell
Your friend's weird.
[Beverly comes in to see what happened]
[sighs] There you are. Classic Erica. You know, I actually started to think maybe I'd been too hard on you, and then you go and shoplift? And the worst thing is I'm not even surprised.
DFDoug Fell
Actually, your daughter didn't do anything wrong. I was just having her stick around because this one is freaking me out.
It's true. Erica tried to talk me out of it, and I didn't listen. Oh, God, my stomach's in knots. Can I use the bathroom?
[voiceover] Accusing Erica yet again didn't help matters. Luckily, my mom had a way with words.
So... Honest mistake, you know? Pedicures, my treat?
You know, you made me feel like such a bad person that I actually thought about stealing.
I don't want to hear you're sorry ever again. No matter what I do, you're always gonna expect the worst from me. You have no idea how hard that is coming from you. No idea. [She walks away]
[Off-screen] You'll never catch me, mall hog! I feel so alive!
[Beverly watches Carla run by as Doug Fell follows her]
