[voiceover] Even though Bill Lewis was having the round of his life, my brother was having no luck breaking the ice.
Being a caddy sucks. All Bill wants me to do is wash his balls and hold his bag. It's funny but hard work.
I told you not to caddy for him.
[sighs] I messed this whole thing up. I'll never get another shot with Bill.
All right. I'm gonna help you.
Yeah. But this counts as your birthday present. Hey, Bill. Tweaked my shoulder. Barry's gonna finish the round for me.
Gonna use a driver on this one.
You're 60 yards out. Don't use my expensive driver for this chip shot.
Uh-uh-uh. No talking in my backswing. I learned that after I did it to you three times. It was now or never.
[This scene cuts to Barry finishing the round for Murray]
[voiceover] Barry would have to dig down deep inside himself and do the impossible.
[He takes a nice shot but he accidentally throws the driver into the golf pond]
It's okay. I got this. [He goes into the water but it is so cold] Whoa! Way colder than I thought.
[voiceover] As Barry desperately failed in that murky golf pond, my dad realized the kid really needed a life preserver.
Starting to see why you call him moron so much.
Yeah, well, the thing is he's the sweetest moron you'd ever want to meet. And he loves your daughter, so much that he'd do anything to impress you.
I'm feeling around with my feet. It's mostly old golf balls and something with scales that's not afraid of humans.
Murray: So, please, cut the kid some slack.
Oh! I think I drowned a little. It was a very peaceful feeling. I saw my old gerbil. I'm going back in.
There's my baby. I made you your favorite. Cheeseburger lasagne.
Pass. I don't want to get blamed if you burn it, so I'll just eat a lunchable.
But... Those are for lunch. It's the wrong meal.
Wow, you really have failed as a mother.
Hey. I'm the only one allowed to say that.
Well, it's true. You punished Erica for something I did, almost turning her to a life of crime. If that ain't failing, I don't know what is.
Oh, you're right. I want to tell her I'm sorry, but she refuses to hear it from me. It dawned on me that I could finally use my crime for good.
Maybe there's someone else who can say it.
[voiceover] Thanks to my scam, there was one tape that was worth every penny. And it was the perfect day to say "I'm sorry."
Go away. I'm trying to enjoy my four crackers and ham square.
Look. I don't blame you for acting out after the way I treated you.
I really don't want to talk right now, or ever.
Well, you don't have to because I found a band that'll do it for us.
[Beverly turns the music on the boombox]
[voiceover] Sure, Columbia House drove Erica and my mom far apart, but it would also bring them closer than ever.
[singing] Everybody needs a little time away
[singing] I heard her say I heard her say
Stop doing what you're doing.
[singing] Far away... Far away from their mother
Don't make the words about you.
[singing] Hold me, schmoo.
[singing] It's hard for me to say I'm sorry I just want you to stay
[sniffles; then sings again] After all that we've been through I will make it up to you I promise to And after all that's been said and done
BEBeverly and Erica
[singing] You're just the part of me I can't let go
[voiceover] And with the help of one soft-rock band, my mom was truly able to say sorry.
BEBeverly and Erica
[singing] Couldn't stand to be kept away
There he is. You old son of a gun.
Yeah. [to Lainey] Hey, sweetie. Can I have a minute with my caddy?
Be nice. [She just moves herself out of the way so Bill can sit next to him]
Listen. I know I've been hard on you, but there's a reason.
'Cause I'm not awesome like Anthony Balsamo?
[scoffs] No. To tell the truth, I knew those other guys were just a flash in the pan. But what you two have, it's the real deal.
Yeah. It's...scary. I guess I'm not just ready to lose my little girl. But I'm gonna try to be better about it.
[Barry agrees with Bill as Lainey turns back to Barry]
[voiceover] Inspired by the girl they both loved, Bill decided to start a new chapter with Barry. [Barry laughs] As for me, I closed the book on my life of crime.
Not so fun getting grounded for a month, huh?
Honestly, it's a relief. I was on a dark road. Farewell, Garth Vader Stein. Nice knowing you.
Don't talk to him, Erica. He's grounded. You know, you could learn a thing or two from your big sister.
[voiceover] And my mom finally turned a new page with Erica.
Made you a banana split. [to Adam] You get nothing. [She leaves]#
Hey, jailbird. Want to split this?
[voiceover] Growing up, we're all seen a certain way.
[Barry takes the last shot with the putter and he's finally puts the ball in the hole]
Yes! Mark it down. Octuple-bogey! Whoo!
[voiceover] But the people you love always see you for who you really are.
[voiceover] And that's something worth celebrating.
[The scene cuts to the word "Dedicated to my awesome tape collection"]
This is my tapes, my other tapes.
[Then the word appears saying "Cost: 1 Penny" with an arrow pointing at the tape; then "Addressed to: Kermit D. Fonz also appears below]
Welcome to Contempo Casuals. Did you find all the hot styles you were looing for today?
What? Since when do you work here?
I had no choice. I'm into Columbia House, deep. They send me letters every day. I owe them hundreds.
I told you to read the fine print, Dave Kim.
Shh! Don't say my name! They have agents everywhere. {pointing at the girl] Look, that girl's checking out the stirrup pants. She's here for me. I don't have your money, man. I'll get it! Just give me time! [crying and running off] I need more time.
[Adam in Duckie from Pretty in Pink comes to see his friends]
TTaz
Whoa. What's with the bolo tie?
I've come to terms that I'm the lovable nerd, like Duckie from Pretty in Pink. And I've decided to embrace it. Wait. Why are you guys wearing hats, too?
TTaz
'Cause I want the cool kids to think I'm a rugged adventurer, like Indiana Jones.
And I'm hoping this Devo hat lands me a spot in the New Wave crowd.
Gentlemen, high school's gonna rock.
You're all wearing hats like idiots! That's your thing!
Later, hat heads. [chuckles]
High school's gonna suck.
Nerd, I need you to make an awesome video for Lainey's dad.
Holy balls! My first professional paid gig!
Still a professional gig, though.
I see it now. We open on a time portal as Mr. Lewis' cold, naked body spills to the Earth. He rises from the smoke like a Love Terminator.
Yeah, no nudity or time travel. Just make Mr. Lewis look cool, you know, macho.
We're making a picture! An Adam F. Goldberg joint.
There's another Adam Goldberg at school. He's super-sensitive. I don't want to cause any marketplace confusion.
Don't worry about it. No one cares about either of you.
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, Philadelphia hosted one of the most legendary charity rock concerts ever assembled: Live Aid, and no one wanted to go more than Big Tasty.
Dad, we need to have an insanely important talk. And if you say, "Go to your mother," there will be serious consequences.
Not listening. Go to your mother.
Okay, you know how all the awesome stuff happens in New York and L.A. and Florida, but never here?
You do know the Philadelphia is the birthplace of our country, right?
Enough with your folk tales, old man! I'm talking about now. [He shows his dad a newspaper saying Live Aid.] It's called Live Aid. The world's biggest rock concert ever is happening here this weekend, and I need your car.
What's wrong with your van?
Doesn't start. I think it needs new spark plugs or gas or something. Point is, give me your keys and wallet. Hurry.
But I presented such a strong case!
This concert's been all over the news. There's gonna be a million morons pouring into the city, each one with bad hair and worse ideas.
But I have the worst ideas! I should be there, too.
No way I'm allowing my car to be driven in that madness. It'll never return.
Do you mean know who's performing at Live Aid?
I don't know, and more importantly, I don't care.
Rick Springfield, REO Speedwagon, the Hooters, Black Sabbath, RUN-D.M.C., Simple Minds, Judas Priest, Led Zeppelin, Bernard Watson, Joan Baez, Four Tops, Billy Ocean, Bryan Adams, Crosby, Stills & Nash, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Neil Young, Bob Dylan, George Thorogood & The Destroyers, most of the Rolling Stones, all of Hall & Oates, Madonna, Phil Collins, Duran Duran, Eddie Kendricks and David Ruffin, Patti LaBelle, The Cars, Kenny Loggins, Tom Petty, and The Heartbreakers, Santana, Pretenders, Ashford & Simpson...
Ashford & Simpson? I'm in!
No! None of these names mean anything to me!
[voiceover] As Erica did my dad's dirty work, me and my new pals were having some good, clean fun.
MCMike C. Levy
And that, my friend, is how you use Basic to program a real-body booby.
[pulling the plug out causing the computer to switch off] Scram! Me and this lady are gonna study for health class, with our faces.
MCMike C. Levy
No way! We're allowed to be here at lunch. Mr. Glascott says.
You're a ballsy, little nerd, aren't you? Tell you what, I'm gonna let it slide, but only because there's a broom closet for us right down the hall. Later, nerd losers.
Look at them with their nerd thermoses. Like they're nerd construction workers. [She and Johnny laugh]
[They leave the computer room but are stopped by Beverly]
Excuse me. What did you just say about those nerd losers?
Uh, that they should drink out of their nerd thermoses?
[The scene cuts to Principal Glascott's office]
So, what kind of punishment are we talking about here? Suspension, expulsion, solitary confinement? Do we do that? 'Cause that's what I want.
Yeah. You two can go back to class, and try not to be so accurate with your nerd results next time. [Carla and Johnny are heading back to class] Oh, and stay out of that broom closet. Yeah, that's right. Old Glascott knows what's up!
Why did you let them go? They called my schmoo a nerd.
That's not on them. That's more on your schmoo for being one.
Hey, only I get to call my schmoo a schmoo.
The point is, Adam and his gang of computer dorks don't even eat in the lunchroom. That means they're not even on the social ladder. You've got to do something about this. If you don't help Adam, then you have failed as a mother.
But that is my greatest nightmare. You gotta help me. Please. I told him I'd respect his boundaries. Guide me. It's what you're so good at.
I know you're playing me for a fool, but this fool has low-grade depression. So... I'll bite.
[on the phone] Hi. You've reached the Goldbergs. Leave a message.
[Phone beeps]
Hey. I got a flat tire, and I need...
Ha! It's not the answering machine, you dumb idiot! It's actually me... Barry.
[sighs] It's me. I need Dad...
Gotcha again! It is the answering machine. Leave a message.
[Phone beeps again]
Damn it! I've got a flat tire, and I need Dad...
No, it's actually me, Barry, for real. So, what's the deal?
Barry, I will kill you! Put Dad on the...
But, seriously, leave a message at the beep.
[Phone beeps again]
Oh, my God. You're a dumb sack of crap.
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, Stephen King was the master of horror. The man seemed to write a new book every week, and I devoured them all. But my favorite, "Misery," a story about a woman who kept a writer captive till he wrote her the story of her dreams.
Schmoop-a-loop. Don't forget we're going underpants shopping tomorrow.
I remember you saying that. I don't remember agreeing to it.
I suppose you're too old for Underoos now?
Yes! I'm in a high school! God, this is a nightmare I can't escape from.
[sighs] Guess I'll have to put these in my scrapbook now.
[voiceover] Stephen King made me want to write horror stories, too. I just hadn't found anything horrific to write about.
Let me see. What is scary?
[voiceover] And if my writer's block weren't bad enough, I had this to deal with, too.
Whoo! That was good for me. Okay, meatloaf burgers in 20. [chuckles] [mumbling] Ohh! [laughs]
[voiceover] Wait. That was it. I already lived in my own Stephen King horror tale, and I was gonna write about the scariest monster of them all...
...my horrifying smother.
[sighs] Being a vegetarian sucked. Honestly, I was just looking for something to distract me from thinking about Geoff all the time.
Hey, Geoff! Look, it's Geoff!
I thought Barry was messing with me when he said K.I.T.T. was here. Knight Rider is my favorite show!
Mine too! I love the knights and horses and swords.
Maybe don't talk until you've seen it.
We should take her for a spin together! Uh, maybe grab a burger, just me and you?
Oh, my God, yes! We can swing by Evy's house and pick her up! She's gonna flip!
That's not how you wanted it to work, huh?
Yeah, really not my week.
K.I.T.T., pick up girlfriend. [laughs]
[voiceover] It was November 30, 1980-something, and Erica was planning her winter-semester schedule.
Okay, Pops. I just finished the ultimate slacker schedule. Not that my college applications are in, I can finally, completely give in to my senioritis.
A lot of my friends have that. I-It's not as joyful with them.
First period, I kick things off with study hall, ease into my day. And then it's on the second period, another study hall for naps, and then typing class and then an easy "A" in home EC, and then ceramics and then intro to summer.
It's an independent study I created. You know, there's a science to getting a good base tan.
Well, you outdid yourself. This schedule really does spit in the face of education as we know it.
Got to admit, all this prepping and planning, very mature of you.
[to Murray] You approve of all this?
She's gonna be going to college soon. My job here is done.
Yep. Gonna be phoning it in from now on.
And this has been you not phoning it in.
I've been working my ass off.
[sitting next to Pops] Hey, Boopie. What's with the board?
It's a year of mixing and relaxing with nonstop blow-off classes.
Well, at least you're taking one real class.
Home ec. Running a house is the hardest job in the world.
You know, some people but a man on the moon, and others put parm on a chicken.
Uh, you sound insane right now. Home economics is the cornerstone of civilization.
Or it's a class football players take to make drop cookies.
That's what they're teaching you? How to drop a hunk of batter on a sheet?
When did you get so anti-drop cookie?
They're not gonna teach you how to darn a sock, pepper a ham or bleach an undie?
I'm in the mood for drop cookies.
It's important for you to have the knowledge that your grandmother had and her grandmother had before her.
Yeah, well, I'll hire a maid who has that knowledge. Until then, I have some mixing and relaxing to do.
[Erica leaves]
Will you make me some drop cookies?
