Andy[rapping] Check it. One, two Two, one Three, two, one One, two, three Three, two, one Ah, wait. I messed up. Can I start over, guys?
[The next person to play the saxophone is Johnny Atkins]
Before you say yes, I have a list of 200 demands.
R"Naked" Rob
My rhymes are hotter than a candle's wick Call a doctor 'cause my flow is sick The ladies say Rob's gonna make it 'cause when I rock the mike, I get buck naked
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is there any way Naked Rob can rap without getting naked?
R"Naked" Rob
Nudity, or I walk.
Yeah, no, okay. [stutters] You guys, I thought I could do this to impress Erica, but I just... I can't. [stutters again] I get wicked stage fright.
Dude! You look just like Ad-Rock. The resemblance is uncanny.
Oh, my God. It really is, bro.
Does Ad-Rock break into hives onstage? Oh, no. The room is spinning. I'm going down.
He said yes! The Tasty Boys are in! [He gives Adam a hi-five as Geoff is in and falls]
This is a nightmare! And you're to blame.
True. And it's going to be the first school dance ever worth going to.
No. When will this "dirty dancing" oppression end?! When will everybody cut loose, footloose, lick off your sundae spoons?!
Sweetie, I keep telling you, the song is not about ice cream.
You don't know! No one does!
[sitting next to Erica] Hey, pretty pretty. Guess you're gonna be looking for a partner to practice those sensual moves with.
And it's not going to be you.
Come on, I know every single move that swayze does in that movie.
Andy
Seriously.
R"Naked" Rob
Ah, good for you.
Actually, I've never seen it, but I will now, and I will dedicate my life to becoming your own personal swayze.
You go full swayze, maybe I'll let you dance near me.
Proximity dance! It's a deal!
Yeah. No deal. [He comes and rips it apart]
There is no way "dirty dancing" will ever be a theme at a school-sanctioned dance.
It's literally got "dirty" in the title, not to mention it's wildly inappropriate.
[voiceover] While my dad's plan to dance sank, Erica was ready to rise to the occasion.
Mom, guess what? I actually got Principal Ball to say yes, so the dirty dance is back on.
Well, that is very surprising to me, schmoop-aloo! [chuckling] I can't believe I did it. Uh, you! You did it, not me. I was here. [chuckling again] Mopping.
The dance is back on? That means I can still swayze you.
Let it go, Geoff. I'm not gonna sensually gyrate with you.
If I'm gonna get dirty with anyone, it's gonna be Marc McGonagle.
Erica, I'm begging you. Give me a chance to groove all up on you.
Let our bodies speak without words.
Stop! Nobody's body is speaking to any other bodies. This is just a school dance.
Ugh, again with that awful movie.
R"Naked" Rob
Think about it, dude. The school is letting us dirty-dance. They want us to get freaky.
Andy
Unh! Ladies' man Cogan bringing it dirty, y'all!
That was not in the movie.
Andy
Yeah, we never saw the movie, but the title says it all.
Guys, if you're gonna dirty-dance, at least do it right.
[They all practice dirty-dancing]
[voiceover] The soda pop hop was in full effect. It was less than thrilling.
The '50s suck. To think I dressed up in my good rush shirt and everything.
[voiceover] Thankfully for every kid in that gym, Erica and her friends had other plans.
It's 21:00. Operation "dance my way into Erica's heart" is a go.
Andy
That is not the name!
R"Naked" Rob
It's way too long.
[Erica comes into the hall in slow-motion]
[voiceover] Yep, Erica was a girl on a mission -- make a squeaky-clean dance a little more dirty.
Andy
Roger.
I love sharing secrets with you!
Andy
You're so loud.
R"Naked" Rob
Way too loud.
[Geoff, "Naked" Rob and Andy get on the stage]
Andy
[to DJ] Hey, dude, some guy, like, barfed on your van.
Andy
Who? Uh...me?
[He begins to chase after Andy Cogan]
[voiceover] As Erica's plans for senior year were crumbling, my year was shaping up to be epic.
Dude. Ms. Cinoman just posted the cast list. I'm The Phantom! The lead. Was there any doubt?
No one likes a diva, Dave Kim. Oh, did you see what I got?
A lifetime of pain. Give it up now or be a loser forever.
[excited] Oh, my God! I got Christine!
Whoa, whoa. Hold up! Since when do you do the school musical?
Since it became Phantom of the Opera.
But I thought we shared the same beliefs and core values, mainly that theater was super lame.
It is, except Phantom being the one exception because it's romantic and full of candelabras. [to Adam] And guess what? You're Raoul.
Wait, are you sure it's not the other Adam Goldberg? He's an actor, too.
There's an "F." It's Adam F!
My first big part! Suck it, other Adam Goldberg! Don't tell him I said that. I fear him. But yes!
Yeah, we're like the power couple of the show.
It's acting. Don't make this weird. [to Adam] Yay, Phantom! [squeals lightly]
[Adam and Lainey leave just as JTP turn up]
[sighs] She was supposed to come over and watch me provoke those hornets! Can you believe this?
It's Andrew Lloyd Webber's opus.
What are you talking about?
Andy
Haven't you heard the original West End cast recording? Dude.
The Phantom loved Christine so much, he let her go.
Andy: You know, if I were you, I'd be worried about a showmance.
R"Naked" Rob
Oh, for sure.
R"Naked" Rob
It's when people play lovers onstage, and it leads to chemistry offstage, too.
How do you guys know so much about theater?
We saw the musical Hair. We went for the nudity, but stayed for the rich musical tapestry.
You guys are nuts! My super foxy girlfriend and theater dork brother? Yeah, not sweating it.
R"Naked" Rob
Strange 'cause your t-shirt is quite wet.
Andy
Yeah you're literally sweating it.
You are! Anyhow, I'm gonna go charge my shirt and pop by rehearsal for the fun of it. [He runs off]
Andy
Yeah, it's like a gland issue.
[voiceover] Ah, the Grateful Dead... There were the chillest jam band of the '80s, and wherever they went, their die-hard fans would follow them. Back then, every school had the token Deadhead. Ours was Matt Bradley.
R"Naked" Rob
So talented.
Andy
So chill.
Where you guys been? I was at the Wawa, feeding that stray dog pizza. You missed out big-time. He loves pineapples, like a person.
Andy
I told you, bro!
I eat those, and I'm a person.
Come on. Let's go spit off a bridge.
Andy
Actually, I think we'd rather just chill here and watch Matt Bradley jam.
That guy? He's a stupid Deadhead.
So? Their songs are, like, a million hours long, their crazy fans smell like armpits, and all they wear is tie-dye. It's like, pick a color, bro. You can't have them all.
Look past the swirly colors, man. Matt Bradley's a good egg.
Andy
We should totally make him a member of the JTP.
No way! It's in our official bylaws that any potential JTP prospect has to bring something new to the group.
R"Naked" Rob
Dude, he's, like, a chick magnet.
Andy
He's also, like, super-chill.
I'm super-chill! I will physically hurt your face right now!
At the very least, he's musical.
You want music? Watch and learn. [standing on the table] Attention, adoring fans. Big Tasty is in the house!
[pointing at Johnny] That's right! I do rock. JTP, drop a beat.
Um, Bar, history has proven that you say two good lines and then you freeze up and just repeat them over and over...
[They start beatboxing]
[singing] Check to the one and check to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rapping at you 'Cause I'm checking to the one and I'm checking to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rapping for you Checkity one and checkity two
Andy
He's stuck in a loop again.
[continues singing] And I'm rapping and I'm rapping and I'm rapping at you
[Crowd boos]
And he's gonna get hit in the face in three, two...
Yo, dude, we've been talking, and we want to make an official vote to include Matt Bradley into the JTP.
BBradley
We already decided. He brings nothing new to the table.
Andy
Bro, he's got a snake.
A streamlined iguana? For real? [He looks at Matt Bradley who has a snake around his neck]
R"Naked" Rob
A deal's a deal. He's JTP-worthy.
Fine! We take a vote and never discuss it again. All those in favor in accepting Matt Bradley as a member of the JTP, say "Aye."
Those opposed? Me. And as we all know, I'm the leader, so my vote counts as three. And what does that mean?
And what happens in the event of a tie vote?
Democracy in action! Let's go.
Yo, JTP, you meet Snake Plissken?
Nah. He's a boa, super-docile.
Oh, I was gonna see if you wanted to hold it.
Oh, yeah! I mean... No. We took a vote. We reject you and your awesome viper.
That's not what the vote was for. It was to be a member of the JTP.
Don't be. You've already been rejected. It was a landslide.
R"Naked" Rob
Come on, Bar. At least give him a chance to take the membership test.
Andy
It's a series of riddles, trivia, and feats of strength.
Fine! I'll give you a shot. But, as our charter states, once you fail, you can't ever be one of us.
You don't mess around in the JTP.
No! He's not a member! No call and response, JTP.
[voiceover] As we bankrolled our trip to the Bahamas, my brother was banking on Matt Bradley failing the impossible JTP entrance exam.
Let the trials of the JTP begin.
First up, Smashball. Let's see you hit my unhittable knuckle melon. [He throws the melon just before Matt destroys it with the stick]
[voiceover] But he destroyed that melon, and every other challenge.
[The scene cuts to them outside at the market]
Slushie chug. No mere mortal can ingest an extra-large...
Done! Aah! My head! But worth it!
Andy
He's unstoppable!
R"Naked" Rob
He's immortal.
Riddles and trivia. A body is found in a locked room...
Is the weapon as ice knife?
Damn it!! Next category, busting balls. Came up with three insults for how short Andy is.
Andy
Oh. No, we don't have to do...
Andy's so tiny, he uses a sock as a sleeping bag. When Andy plays mini-golf, it's just called "Golf." Did you hear Andy died? He was bungee-jumping off a curb and the dental floss broke.
Andy
I feel completely humiliated. This guy's awesome!
Blindfolded Rubik's Cube, which no human can do, which means you'll never be one of us. Go!
Bro, this isn't in the charter.
The charter is a living document, and, lucky for me, it makes it so he'll never be able to...
[He has finished solving the Rubik's Cube] Done!
That means "yes." Cool! So, what are we doing this weekend?
Well, I don't know what you'll be doing, but the O.G. JTP will be seeing the Fat Boys. I'd invite you, but it's sold out.
Why don't we go see the Dead? They're playing at the fairgrounds.
Easy, new guy. The JTP likes their music in rap form or not at all.
Andy
Actually, I wouldn't mind switching it up a bit.
Shut up, you tiny, little... Pocket... Man... Face... Damn it, that's hard.
R"Naked" Rob
That's a big thumb-up on the Dead, Matty.
Wait. Barry, don't you own a van? We could turn it into a Dead bus.
Andy
For sure! A van-bus!
No! That's our A-Team van we're taking to the Fat Boys! And, like all other JTP decisions, we're putting this concert to a vote. Who wants to see the Fat Boys tomorrow? That's three votes for Fat Bays.
Why do you count as three?
'Cause don't question it. Now, how many of you want to go see that weird, lame thing I don't want to do? One, two, three... Four?
Grateful Dead, it is. You're gonna love it, JTP.
AAll
[chanting] JTP! JTP! JTP! [chanting continues]
They have four votes. I'll never get to bulldoze my closest friends again! This is a nightmare!
[voiceover] With that, the jar wars were on. Meanwhile, it was all peace and love at the Grateful Dead show.
Andy
Dude, this 45-minute song is amazing.
R"Naked" Rob
And everyone's so nice.
Yeah, especially that one guy that invited me to live with him and those 10 other guys over there on that patch of lawn.
Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if we could listen to this concert later? [He opens his jacket revealing the tapes]
Definitely not illegal bootleg equipment that'll allow me to profit after selling them later!
SGSecurity Guard
Hey, pal, you trying to tape the show?
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh! We're gonna have to go, huh?
SGSecurity Guard
For sure. Taping section's way over there. You can go down there.
[voiceover] Unfortunately for my brother, he picked the one band chill enough to let you tape them.
Barry, you're the man. You just scored us better seats.
Why? What kind of band allows you to tape their entire concert? This doesn't make any sense.
Dead are a band of the people. Music's for everyone.
They're so nice. Now I hate them even more! They were supposed to kick us out!
Whoa. So, you wanted to ruin this for us?
I mean, not ruin. I was just...
R"Naked" Rob
Not cool, bro.
Yeah, man. You're, like, a bad friend to the JTP.
Hey! I started this posse. Without me, there is no JTP. [They realize what Barry said] You didn't say "JTP" back.
Andy
Matt is right. You're a selfish friend.
R"Naked" Rob
Yeah, and if that's how you want to run the JTP, then we don't want you in it.
Fine. I don't care. I'll start a better, more badass posse without you.
Andy
See you around, Tasty.
[Geoff, Andy, "Naked" Rob and Matt sadly leave Barry behind]
[voiceover] With that, the jar wars came to an end. Meanwhile, my brother was hoping for a new beginning with his friends.
Hey. Can I talk to you guys?
[They don't answer]
Come on, guys. Give him a chance.
Thanks, man. I was a jerk, okay? [lifting up his eye mask] Look, the three of you are the first real friends I ever had, and I just didn't want to lose you to someone else and be all alone again.
Andy
Dude.
So, to make it up to you, I bought tickets to the next Dead show. [He hands them the tickets] Hoping maybe I can tag along?
Don't look at me. I'm not the leader.
No one is. We're just... The JTP.
Uh, Bar, these tickets are for Fairmount Park. How are we supposed to get there?
[The scene cuts to the JTP van]
Andy
No way!
Awesome! This seems like a big move for a band we just got into, but I like it.
Andy
Yep.
[The Grateful Dead's Touch of Grey plays]
Good to have you back, Big Tasty.
It's good to be back, Matt Bradley.
[Barry and Matt agree]
[voiceover] It was official. The JTP had their newest, chillest member, Matt Bradley. And to this very day, he's still my brother's closest, dearest friend. That's what happens when you open your heart and let someone in.
I give you Baré... Formal active wear for going to a ball or slam-dunking one.
Next, we got Naked Rob. BaréStyles is the only clothing this nudist will wear.
R"Naked" Rob
It really breathes, bro.
For the tiny man who can live in a shoe, we got Andy Cogan modelling the petite line.
Andy
Aw, come on, dude! I'm helping you!
And finally, we got Matthew Bradley showing off our sportsedo.
He shoots and scores... With the ladies.
Okay, he's making these poor boys wear a bunch of schmattas. You got to get involved now!
[voiceover] As my dad decided his new hobby was saving money, Barry was coming up with a plan to save our butts.
There it is, gentlemen, the answer to all our problems.
Easy. We steal Cecil the janitor's golf cart and replace the one we sunk. It's the perfect crime.
R"Naked" Rob
But then Cecil has no cart.
Way ahead of you. We then steal another golf cart from the different country club to replace Cecil's.
But then wouldn't the second golf course be missing their cart?
Which is why we steal and replace golf carts several times a day for the rest of our natural lives.
Isn't that a Ponzi scheme, bro?
Fonzie has nothing to do with this, Matthew. He drives a motorcycle.
Andy
Not a Fonzie scheme, dude, Ponzi. And that's exactly what it is.
Not at all. All we got to do is swipe hundreds, if not thousands, of golf carts to keep our scam alive until we grow old and our children take our place!
[to Adam] You really need to go to your sister about this.
On my way. [rushing off to see Erica]
Off-campus lunch is a go, boys. We've got 36 minutes to make it to Jim's Steaks and back. Let's ride.
Andy
Wait. I thought your dad sold his crappy old Tercel.
He bought it back 'cause his new sports car was even crappier than this crap box.
Uh, bro, the door won't open.
That's 'cause it's been permanently busted. You just got to Dukes of Hazzard it. [runs toward his car but he is hit]
Need more of a head start. [runs to it again]
[They all groan]
Took my eye off it. [runs to it again]
[They all groan]
Who moved the car? [runs to it again and then jumps over it] J... T... P!
General Lee! [jumps over the car again]
Andy
Okay.
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
