Murray quotes from The Goldbergs

Murray

Morons! I mean, who gets kicked out of an imaginary Western town?

Murray

Stylish? You're wearing Batman pajama bottoms.

It's Batman Under Armour!

Erica

Okay, everybody out. I need to use the... [sees Adam shaving] Oh, my God! Are you using my lady BIC?

I'm stimulating the follicles.

Erica

Ha! You suck. Barry, get the camera! Adam's being Adam!

Beverly

What's with all the yelling? Oh, my joy! Is my baby trying to shave? [happy gasp]

I'm stimulating the follicles.

I got the Polaroid. Say "peach fuzz." [takes a picture of Adam, much to the latter's embarrassment]

No!

Beverly

Haha! That's going on the holiday card. [laughing]

Murray

Why did you call me when it's usually my wife who handles this annoying school crap?

Principal Ball

Well, truthfully, I couldn't reach her. And more truthfully, I didn't try because she scares me.

Bill

Sorry I'm late. We're having a sale down at the...

Murray

Son of a bitch. Oh, this guy.

[voiceover] And that guy was Lainey's dad, my father's archenemy, Bill Lewis.

Principal Ball

Look, I called you both in here today because we need to talk about what's going on with your kids.

Bill

There's nothing going on, because I very clearly and emphatically forbade it.

Principal Ball

Well, for the third time this week, I caught them canoodling in secret. It's unacceptable.

Bill

We have a saying in Texas... "don't blame the armadillo. Blame the armadillo's dumb father."

Murray

Oh-ho. We have a saying here... you're bald.

Bill

I'll have you know, the ladies love it. [pointing to Principal Ball]

Principal Ball

Eh? Okay. What is happening here right now?

Murray

I'll tell you what's happening. This schmuck lives in Philadelphia, yet he roots for the Dallas cowboys. Who does that?

Bill

Red-blooded Americans, that's who does that.

Principal Ball

Got to say, it surprises me, this friction that exists between the two of you, considering how similar you are.

Murray

Please.

Bill

Come on.

Principal Ball

No, no, no. For example, you're both fathers. You're both small-business owners. You both seem very angry.

Murray

That is true.

Bill

I'll give you that.

Principal Ball

And you're both football fans. Now, this is a bond which I can respect as a lifelong fan of the New York football Giants.

Bill

Whoa, you're a Giants fan? Why the hell do you live in Philadelphia?

Murray

[pointing at Bill] He's got a point. Unlike the Giants last season.

Bill

Hey-oh! Whoa!

Principal Ball

For your information, we won the conference last year, so suck it! So what I actually mean to say is that it's always easier to get along than be short with each other. And that is one of "Earl's pearls" you can take to the bank.

Murray

Well, thank you for your wise advice and, uh, the Giants suck.

Bill

Yeah. They suck so hard. But good luck next season. Whoops.

[voiceover] Back in the '80s, my mom was obsessed with Thanksgiving. When it came to her cooking, everything had to be perfect. She even made practice turkeys before the big day.

[eating a piece of turkey] Mmm!

Beverly

I need feedback.

That's good!

Beverly

But not great.

What?

Beverly

I'm going again.

[voiceover] To my mom, it was a time for family. For my dad, it was a hassle.

Murray

Why do we got to schlep all the way here to go shopping when we got a perfectly good market a minute away from our house?

[voiceover] Well, I thought this time of year, a change of scenery would...

Beverly

Oh, look! Murray, there's your father! What are the odds we'd run into him in a totally random grocery store?

Murray

You got a bag boy to tip you off, didn't you?

Beverly

So, I have eyes everywhere. What? Does that make me some kind of villain?

Murray

Bevy, every year you ask me to invite that spiteful, miserable man to Thanksgiving. You got to give it up.

Beverly

You're right. He's your father, and I have no right to... Hi! Ben, look! It's your son, Murray! You remember Murray.

Murray

Hi, Dad. How you doing?

My foot's still got that thing. And I need eye surgery.

Murray

Yeah, good stuff.

Beverly

So, any plans for the holiday, Ben?

Yeah, I got it right here. This compartment is the stuffing. That's the sweet potatoes. That gray circle, that's the turkey.

Beverly

Come on, wouldn't a home-cooked meal be much better than that?

That depends. You know what happened the last time I ate your cooking.

Beverly

That was right after we got married. That was ages ago.

Your turkey was drier than the sun. It was like eating the inside of a vacuum bag filled with pencil shavings. I did not enjoy the meal.

Murray

You? No.

Beverly

It was the first time I'd ever cooked Thanksgiving by myself. My kids were little. They were hanging all over me. I didn't even have a baster. I was baster-less!

No baster could fix your food crimes. Sorry, pal. You deserve better.

Murray

Nice seeing you, Dad.

Eh, it was okay.

Beverly

This is not over. You invite that callous, hurtful man to Thanksgiving right now!

Murray

See, I see why you're hocking me all the time to invite him. You just want to show my dad that you're a good cook.

Beverly

The best cook. And family is important and stuff.

Murray

Well, it's not gonna happen. It's bad enough you invite my moron brother every year.

Beverly

Oh, stop. Marvin's not that bad.

[voiceover] It was January 6, 1980-something. The fateful day my mom first laid eyes on our neighbors' new kitchen.

Ta-da!

[voiceover] Everything was brand-new. It was an '80s architectural masterpiece of Formica in every shade of brown.

Beverly

Is that a lazy Susan?

It is!

Beverly

Is that almond-colored? It's beautiful. Like dirty snow. This linoleum, it looks like real tile. Oh, it spins around! Look! The cinnamon was in the back, and now it's in the front!

And the best part, Charles did the whole thing himself, and it cost half the price.

Beverly

Get out.

I swear.

Beverly

No, get out of my way. Move your body. I must speak to Murray now.

Wha...

Beverly

We're getting a new kitchen.

Murray

What's wrong with the old kitchen?

Beverly

You just said it. It's old. It doesn't have what I need in the kitchen. Hello, Bill.

Murray

All you need in the kitchen is food and forks. And maybe a cup or two.

Bill

Also, you'd be surprised how often you use a juicer.

Murray

Then it's settled. We're gonna get a juicer. Damn it, Bevy, you win again.

Beverly

I mean it. We need to renovate. This thing should be in a museum. A museum of ugly refrigerators. Blech! And look at this floor. No, don't. It'll give you a seizure. And what about these lazy-Susan-less cabinets? I've got to move the other spices out of the way like a wild animal. Like, "Oh, here's the tarragon." Oh. [But she accidentally clatters the pots on the floor] And now I'm stressed out.

Bill

She did make a mess.

Murray

Bevy, I'd love to give you a new kitchen, but it would cost a fortune. And the materials alone...

Bill

I'm a tile man. I'll hook you up for free.

Murray

Yeah, but the labor.

Bill

I'll install it myself.

Murray

Bill, read the room.

Beverly

I see what this is about. You don't want this 'cause you're afraid of change.

Murray

[scoffs] What are you talking about?

Beverly

You're a creature of habit. For the last 10 years, you've had the same job, same car, same clothes.

Murray

Just because I like things the certain way doesn't mean I'm a creature of habit.

Beverly

Then how do you explain this?

[voiceover] Back in the '80s, Coca-Cola announced new coke, which sent their old-school customers into a tailspin.

Beverly

The second you find out that coke is changing their recipe, you start to stockpile. What kind of person is afraid of new coke? It's nuts.

Murray

I'm not afraid. I just like the old-timey original kind.

Beverly

Okay, see? You're just proving my point.

Murray

Bevy, I try new stuff. Like that big pink orange I ate that one time.

Beverly

The grapefruit?

Murray

Yeah. Never again. The point is, I love change.

Beverly

Well, there's gonna be some big changes around here. Big changes!

[voiceover] It was March 2nd, 1980-something, and my mom had one simple request of my dad.

Beverly

Murray, there's something wrong with the wheels of this vacuum cleaner. Can you come down and take a look at it?

Murray

I just bought you a new used one nine years ago!

Beverly

I'm telling you, it's sticking. See, if you just move it back and forth, you know?

Murray

[helping her hoover] Seems fine to me.

Beverly

Just move with it a little. Just, uh, take a few steps forward and a few steps back.

Murray

Yeah.

Beverly

There it goes. [She switches the boombox on playing "I Had a Time of My Life"] Just really get into the rhythm of the vacuum.

Murray

Oh-ho-ho, no! I see what you're doing. I am not dancing with you.

Beverly

Damn it! I was inches away from having the time of my life. Inches! [She switches the music off and storms off]

Murray

Hoo-hoo! That was a close one, huh?

Pops

You mean, how you almost gave your wife the one thing she's desperately wanted for the last 25 years? The nerve of some people.

Murray

See? You get it. Why doesn't she?

Pops

Murray, it's important to her. It's just dancing. What's the big deal?

Murray

For one thing, I literally have never danced a day in my life. And based upon my current energy level, not gonna start soon.

Pops

Oh, stop. Everyone's danced at some point.

Murray

Yeahhhh, not me.

Pops

You've never been in the shower and hummed a few bars?

Murray

I'm all business in the shower. Soap, rinse, out.

Pops

You've never once been driving, and Miami sound machine comes on and you tap your finger on the wheel?

Murray

Tap my finger? Who am I, Gregory Hines?

Pops

Are you trying to say that even as a little boy, you never once clapped your hands to the radio?

Murray

My dad traded it for a bucket. That's how I got my birthday bucket.

[voiceover] As Erica was channeling my mom at school, my dad was being schooled by Pops.

Pops

Ah, Murray, perfect timing. Come over here, take a seat. [It cuts to Murray showing the dancing album book] I want you to look at that handsome young man and tell me what you see.

Murray

Someone who was still able to drop his pants in peace.

Pops

No! This is a photo of your first dance, your first act as a married man, and you're not even moving.

Murray

I moved plenty that day. I walked down the aisle, I stepped on the glass, I walked back up the aisle. I was a regular Carl Lewis.

Pops

Damn it, Murray, when you asked for my daughter's hand, you said you'd do anything you could to make her happy. Does it look like happiness to you?

Murray

Ugh. Fine! I'll do one dance, but I'm not moving my lower half.

Did someone say "dance instructor"?

Murray

No! Where did you even come from?!

Come on! It's like "footloose"! You're the dopey farm boy, and I'm Kevin Bacon! Let me be your Bacon!

Murray

Don't distract me with bacon. I'm not dancing.

Come on! [turning on the music on the boombox; Footloose by Kevin Loggins is playing] Yeah! Feel the beat! There's nothing wrong with two bros bonding over dance.

Pops

Barry, this is a delicate situation. You're making it worse!

Well, the infectious music of Kenny Loggins will win him over.

Pops

It's not winning him over.

The human body is literally programmed to love Loggins. He can't say no!

Murray

No!

Hey!

What if I told you there was a way that you could be a dancing god without ever having to move your body?

No! Don't listen to him!

Murray

I'm listening.

All you got to do is raise your hands over your head.

Murray

At the same time?

Yes.

You're gonna listen to this lazy-eyed nerd when you have this at your disposal?

Murray

I'm gonna go with Adam's easy thing.

Okay, if you can pull this off with mom, you'll never have to dance again.

Murray

Are you insane? I can't do that!

And neither could Ferris Bueller's lame-ass sister. This is, until she learned how.

Murray

I'm in a pool. I don't want to be in a pool.

In a movie, they were in a lake. Would you rather be in a lake?

Murray

I'd rather be in my chair!

Put your hands up. I'll jump to you. You catch me.

Murray

1...2...3.

Aah! My soft-belly meat!

Murray

I'm cold. Let's forget this.

This is your chance to make mom feel loved and delighted!

Murray

I'm freezing and miserable!

Don't you swim away from me! What is that, a doggy paddle? You're a grown man!

[voiceover] After my dad's botched dance lesson, it seemed this was as close to "dirty dancing" as he would get.

Murray

Look at him. Has to be special effects. No one can lift a tiny lady like that.

Pops

You're finally watching that movie, huh?

Murray

I know I promised I'd take Bevy out dancing, but I can't do it. I'll look stupid.

Pops

Since when do you care about how you look? You spend half your life puttering around this house in your underpants.

Murray

Well, that's about comfort. It's also a warning shot to outsiders that you're not welcome.

Pops

All I'm saying is, you always care less about what other people think. Why is this different?

Murray

Let me be honest with you. [sighs] I don't like to move my body.

Pops

Yeah, we've met.

Murray

Now, the thing is, I'm afraid. Dancing in front of all those people with their judgy eyes -- I-I can't do it.

Pops

Well, you'll never know how you'll look if you don't try.

[voiceover] Pops was right. My dad had to see for himself. Luckily, he spotted my trusty camera. And, with no one around, he decided to give dancing a shot. He grooved, he grinded, he gyrated, he did...whatever this is.

Murray

Look at me! Ha ha ha! I'm a guy who dances now!

[voiceover] He danced like no one was watching, and luckily, no one was.

Bill

[sighs] Yet. Nothing like a cold one after work, am I right?

Amen to that, brother! Love me the old brew ha-ha, nectar of the gods, foam hammer, wheat and greet, little truth water, golden problem solver, beer. Move over, rover. [sitting next to Bill on the couch]

Bill

Are you telling me you drink?

No!

Bill

You just said you love cold suds. So which is it? Are you a lush or a liar?

Murray

He's a moron.

Bill

I'm gonna grab us a refill, Mur. You want a six pack, Mickey Mantle?

Mmm-mmm.

Murray

Why?

I'm probably being a little paranoid, but it kind of seems like Bill hates my living guts.

Murray

[whooping] He sure does!

I don't get it. Mom says I'm literally a human ray of sunshine.

Murray

Your mom's a nice lady, but she's done some real damage to you.

I need Bill to be my friend. He's like a father to Lainey.

Murray

You're the boyfriend. No dad likes the guy who's dating his daughter.

So it's not personal. Yes! Top shelf.

Murray

Yeah, throw this away.

No.

Murray

I'll time you.

Okay, got to beat my record.

Murray

Mmm, yeah, uh...

What is that? Is that a yes or a no?

Murray

Yeah... No...

You're mashing yes and no together. Speak clearly in English words.

Murray

No... yeah, uh...

Come on, Dad. You're Bill's best friend. Just talk to him for me.

Murray

Talk? We mostly sit in comfortable silence and drink.

You never once told him how cool or funny or athletic I am?

Murray

You know, it's never come up, and I don't think it ever will.

Can you at least tell him how good I am at getting all the shampoo out of my hair in the shower?

Murray

As a favor to you, no.

Did you tell him how I can palm a volleyball?

Murray

No, 'cause you can't do it consistently.

Tell him how good I am at all-you-can-eat shrimp. That red lobster hates me, tell him.

Murray

No.

Fine. If you're not gonna tell him about me, at least tell me about him.

Murray

All I can tell you is he likes cheesesteaks and the cowboys.

That's all you know about him?

Murray

Oh! He also likes John Denver.

Perfect.

Murray

Who are you? Dr. Doom?

[voiceover] Yep, my sister was ready for a life of crime just as Barry was preparing to steal Bill's heart.

Gentlemen! Thought you might like to load up on some meat and cheese before an active day in the hot sun. You're a fan, right, Bill?

Bill

Of Geno's cheesesteaks. You bought Pat's. Why not just punch me in the face?

Aren't they directly across the street from each other with the exact same ingredients?

Bill

Go on, punch my face. Do it.

Or we go to the eagles-cowboys game. 50-yard line, root for America's team?

Bill

I thought you were a diehard Eagles fan.

Until I discovered the Cowboys, my other favorite team, which happens to be yours.

Bill

You're gonna turn on the Eagles just like that? Son, don't you have any spine at all?

No. But you know what I do have? Matching bucket hats!

Bill

Why?

Murray

Oh, no.

'Cause you love Bob Denver. You know, Gilligan, from the island.

Bill

What?

He's my favorite, too.

Bill

I don't like Bob Denver. I like John Denver.

Is there a difference?

Murray

Oh, no.

Bill

Yes, one is folk icon who melts my heart. The other is a scrawny weirdo who couldn't close with Ginger or Mary Ann.

[laughs] I totally know the difference. I'm just busting chops. I just got you this hat so your head won't burn.

Bill

Are you calling me bald?

No, you have a beautiful head of hair. On the sides. You look like a judge.

Murray

Well, it's almost tee time. Come on, Barry. You're gonna come with us today.

Bill

He is?

I am?

Murray

Yeah, I invited the boy to join us.

Bill

You did?

You did?

Murray

Yeah, Barry and I play golf all the time. It's our thing.

I've never golfed with you, not once.

Murray

Moron, I'm doing you a solid. Don't blow this.

[voiceover] My dad did Barry the rare solid. Now, all Barry had to do was drive it home with Bill.

[clapping his hands] Ah, golf. The sports of kings. And queens, equal rights. [chuckles] I respect your foxy daughter. No, not foxy, she's an uggo to me. Not everyone else. They all think she has an awesome, plump butt.

Bill

What the [BLEEP], man?

Murray

Okay, we're trying way too hard.

I get it, be myself.

Murray

No, don't do that either.

Wild Bill! You need a caddy?

Bill

There he is.

Anthony Balsamo's here? I can't complete with him. He's a total babe.

Murray

Relax, you're playing golf with Bill. He's just the caddy.

You're right. He's the caddy, the guy behind the guy. He's the one in Bill's ear whispering sweet advice. That's what I got to do.

Murray

Not what I meant.

Hey, pretty boy. Take a lap, I got this. [He dashes off] Just give me a sec. I'll catch up. [He picks up two golf bags with clubs in them but drops a lot of clubs]

[voiceover] Even though Bill Lewis was having the round of his life, my brother was having no luck breaking the ice.

Being a caddy sucks. All Bill wants me to do is wash his balls and hold his bag. It's funny but hard work.

Murray

I told you not to caddy for him.

[sighs] I messed this whole thing up. I'll never get another shot with Bill.

Murray

All right. I'm gonna help you.

For real?

Murray

Yeah. But this counts as your birthday present. Hey, Bill. Tweaked my shoulder. Barry's gonna finish the round for me.

Bill

[sighs]

Gonna use a driver on this one.

Bill

You're 60 yards out. Don't use my expensive driver for this chip shot.

Uh-uh-uh. No talking in my backswing. I learned that after I did it to you three times. It was now or never.

[voiceover] Barry would have to dig down deep inside himself and do the impossible.

Bill

Son of a bitch.

Murray

That's about right.

It's okay. I got this. [He goes into the water but it is so cold] Whoa! Way colder than I thought.

[voiceover] As Barry desperately failed in that murky golf pond, my dad realized the kid really needed a life preserver.

Bill

Starting to see why you call him moron so much.

Murray

Yeah, well, the thing is he's the sweetest moron you'd ever want to meet. And he loves your daughter, so much that he'd do anything to impress you.

I'm feeling around with my feet. It's mostly old golf balls and something with scales that's not afraid of humans.

Oh! I think I drowned a little. It was a very peaceful feeling. I saw my old gerbil. I'm going back in.

Bill

There he is. You old son of a gun.

Are you talking to me?

Bill

Yeah. [to Lainey] Hey, sweetie. Can I have a minute with my caddy?

No.

Lainey

Be nice. [She just moves herself out of the way so Bill can sit next to him]

[sighs]

Bill

Listen. I know I've been hard on you, but there's a reason.

'Cause I'm not awesome like Anthony Balsamo?

Bill

[scoffs] No. To tell the truth, I knew those other guys were just a flash in the pan. But what you two have, it's the real deal.

You think so?

Bill

Yeah. It's...scary. I guess I'm not just ready to lose my little girl. But I'm gonna try to be better about it.

[voiceover] Inspired by the girl they both loved, Bill decided to start a new chapter with Barry. [Barry laughs] As for me, I closed the book on my life of crime.

Erica

Not so fun getting grounded for a month, huh?

Honestly, it's a relief. I was on a dark road. Farewell, Garth Vader Stein. Nice knowing you.

Beverly

Don't talk to him, Erica. He's grounded. You know, you could learn a thing or two from your big sister.

[voiceover] And my mom finally turned a new page with Erica.

I really could.

Beverly

Made you a banana split. [to Adam] You get nothing. [She leaves]#

Erica

Hey, jailbird. Want to split this?

I would like that.

[voiceover] Growing up, we're all seen a certain way.

Yes! Mark it down. Octuple-bogey! Whoo!

[voiceover] But the people you love always see you for who you really are.

Murray

He's a moron.

Bill

He really is.

[voiceover] And that's something worth celebrating.

This is my tapes, my other tapes.