[voiceover] It was March 2nd, 1980-something, and my mom had one simple request of my dad.
Murray, there's something wrong with the wheels of this vacuum cleaner. Can you come down and take a look at it?
I just bought you a new used one nine years ago!
I'm telling you, it's sticking. See, if you just move it back and forth, you know?
[helping her hoover] Seems fine to me.
Just move with it a little. Just, uh, take a few steps forward and a few steps back.
There it goes. [She switches the boombox on playing "I Had a Time of My Life"] Just really get into the rhythm of the vacuum.
Oh-ho-ho, no! I see what you're doing. I am not dancing with you.
Damn it! I was inches away from having the time of my life. Inches! [She switches the music off and storms off]
Hoo-hoo! That was a close one, huh?
PopsYou mean, how you almost gave your wife the one thing she's desperately wanted for the last 25 years? The nerve of some people.
See? You get it. Why doesn't she?
Pops
Murray, it's important to her. It's just dancing. What's the big deal?
For one thing, I literally have never danced a day in my life. And based upon my current energy level, not gonna start soon.
Pops
Oh, stop. Everyone's danced at some point.
Pops
You've never been in the shower and hummed a few bars?
I'm all business in the shower. Soap, rinse, out.
Pops
You've never once been driving, and Miami sound machine comes on and you tap your finger on the wheel?
Tap my finger? Who am I, Gregory Hines?
Pops
Are you trying to say that even as a little boy, you never once clapped your hands to the radio?
My dad traded it for a bucket. That's how I got my birthday bucket.
[voiceover] As Erica was channeling my mom at school, my dad was being schooled by Pops.
Pops
Ah, Murray, perfect timing. Come over here, take a seat. [It cuts to Murray showing the dancing album book] I want you to look at that handsome young man and tell me what you see.
Someone who was still able to drop his pants in peace.
Pops
No! This is a photo of your first dance, your first act as a married man, and you're not even moving.
I moved plenty that day. I walked down the aisle, I stepped on the glass, I walked back up the aisle. I was a regular Carl Lewis.
Pops
Damn it, Murray, when you asked for my daughter's hand, you said you'd do anything you could to make her happy. Does it look like happiness to you?
Ugh. Fine! I'll do one dance, but I'm not moving my lower half.
Did someone say "dance instructor"?
No! Where did you even come from?!
Come on! It's like "footloose"! You're the dopey farm boy, and I'm Kevin Bacon! Let me be your Bacon!
Don't distract me with bacon. I'm not dancing.
Come on! [turning on the music on the boombox; Footloose by Kevin Loggins is playing] Yeah! Feel the beat! There's nothing wrong with two bros bonding over dance.
Pops
Barry, this is a delicate situation. You're making it worse!
Well, the infectious music of Kenny Loggins will win him over.
Pops
It's not winning him over.
The human body is literally programmed to love Loggins. He can't say no!
[Adam stops the music]
What if I told you there was a way that you could be a dancing god without ever having to move your body?
All you got to do is raise your hands over your head.
You're gonna listen to this lazy-eyed nerd when you have this at your disposal?
I'm gonna go with Adam's easy thing.
[voiceover] After my dad's botched dance lesson, it seemed this was as close to "dirty dancing" as he would get.
Look at him. Has to be special effects. No one can lift a tiny lady like that.
Pops
You're finally watching that movie, huh?
I know I promised I'd take Bevy out dancing, but I can't do it. I'll look stupid.
Pops
Since when do you care about how you look? You spend half your life puttering around this house in your underpants.
Well, that's about comfort. It's also a warning shot to outsiders that you're not welcome.
Pops
All I'm saying is, you always care less about what other people think. Why is this different?
Let me be honest with you. [sighs] I don't like to move my body.
Pops
Yeah, we've met.
Now, the thing is, I'm afraid. Dancing in front of all those people with their judgy eyes -- I-I can't do it.
Pops
Well, you'll never know how you'll look if you don't try.
[voiceover] Pops was right. My dad had to see for himself. Luckily, he spotted my trusty camera. And, with no one around, he decided to give dancing a shot. He grooved, he grinded, he gyrated, he did...whatever this is.
Look at me! Ha ha ha! I'm a guy who dances now!
[voiceover] He danced like no one was watching, and luckily, no one was.
MMailman
Hey, I got a package for Lucky Goldberg. Gonna need your signature.
MMailman
Then I don't know what to do. [Beverly seems to slam the door] Please don't slam the door.
The nerve of that Erica. First she frames her brother, and then she ropes in our sweet little puppy. You're not cut out for a life of crime. You're just a cockapoo.
Pops
I ordered the tapes.
I mean, it's like that girl doesn't ever hear a word to say.
Pops
I ordered the tapes.
She's my daughter. How come she refuses to listen to me?
Pops
My God, woman. I ordered the damn tapes. I saw Adam do it, and I wanted in.
[voiceover] With that, my mom finally realized she did blame Erica for everything, even when she was clearly innocent.
Uh, Mom? It's for you. Erica's in mall jail.
[voiceover] And two seconds later, Erica was back to being guilty.
I stole something else, but you're never gonna find it.
DFDoug Fell
Your friend's weird.
[Beverly comes in to see what happened]
[sighs] There you are. Classic Erica. You know, I actually started to think maybe I'd been too hard on you, and then you go and shoplift? And the worst thing is I'm not even surprised.
DFDoug Fell
Actually, your daughter didn't do anything wrong. I was just having her stick around because this one is freaking me out.
It's true. Erica tried to talk me out of it, and I didn't listen. Oh, God, my stomach's in knots. Can I use the bathroom?
[voiceover] Accusing Erica yet again didn't help matters. Luckily, my mom had a way with words.
So... Honest mistake, you know? Pedicures, my treat?
You know, you made me feel like such a bad person that I actually thought about stealing.
I don't want to hear you're sorry ever again. No matter what I do, you're always gonna expect the worst from me. You have no idea how hard that is coming from you. No idea. [She walks away]
[Off-screen] You'll never catch me, mall hog! I feel so alive!
[Beverly watches Carla run by as Doug Fell follows her]
[voiceover] It was November 30, 1980-something, and Erica was planning her winter-semester schedule.
Okay, Pops. I just finished the ultimate slacker schedule. Not that my college applications are in, I can finally, completely give in to my senioritis.
Pops
A lot of my friends have that. I-It's not as joyful with them.
First period, I kick things off with study hall, ease into my day. And then it's on the second period, another study hall for naps, and then typing class and then an easy "A" in home EC, and then ceramics and then intro to summer.
Pops
That's a class?
It's an independent study I created. You know, there's a science to getting a good base tan.
Pops
Well, you outdid yourself. This schedule really does spit in the face of education as we know it.
Got to admit, all this prepping and planning, very mature of you.
Pops
[to Murray] You approve of all this?
She's gonna be going to college soon. My job here is done.
Pops
Your job? As a parent?
Yep. Gonna be phoning it in from now on.
Pops
And this has been you not phoning it in.
I've been working my ass off.
[sitting next to Pops] Hey, Boopie. What's with the board?
It's a year of mixing and relaxing with nonstop blow-off classes.
Well, at least you're taking one real class.
Home ec. Running a house is the hardest job in the world.
You know, some people but a man on the moon, and others put parm on a chicken.
Uh, you sound insane right now. Home economics is the cornerstone of civilization.
Or it's a class football players take to make drop cookies.
That's what they're teaching you? How to drop a hunk of batter on a sheet?
When did you get so anti-drop cookie?
They're not gonna teach you how to darn a sock, pepper a ham or bleach an undie?
I'm in the mood for drop cookies.
It's important for you to have the knowledge that your grandmother had and her grandmother had before her.
Yeah, well, I'll hire a maid who has that knowledge. Until then, I have some mixing and relaxing to do.
[Erica leaves]
Will you make me some drop cookies?
Ugh! I am so glad I'm finally done with that college essay.
Pops
You know, sweetheart, it's not too late to write about a real hero.
Ship's kind of sailed at this point.
Pops
That ship might circle back to port when you take a gander at some circus adventures after the war.
Oh, Pops, you don't have to make stuff up. You'll always be a hero to me.
Pops
But I spend four hours digging this up... Ah, damn it. She's gone.
[Project whirrs]
MOMan on TV
And there they are, folks, stretching it.
[They cheer and applause]
Pops
You handsome devil.
MOMan on TV
All right! Come on down and see it.
[voiceover] It was March 8th, 1980-something, and I was doing what I did best, being awesome.
[as Robocop] Dead or alive, you're coming with me.
All right, my little Robo-Schmoop, time to clean up your masterpiece so I can lay out mine.
But we're about to shoot Pops' big scene.
Pops
Adam, is that you? I can't see in this thing!
Pops
Finally! I'm schvitzing in this big box!
[Pops accidentally knocks over Adam's video camera]
[voiceover] What happened next would change my life forever.
[slow-motion] Oh... Fudge!
Only, I didn't say "fudge". I said the big one, the granddaddy of bad words, and it was not good.
[voiceover] And so we were forced to avoid being our usual selves. Meanwhile, Pops was watching TV as Barry forced himself to like the Grateful Dead.
[groans] Stupid Grateful Dead. I've been listening to a bass guitar solo for 20 minutes.
Pops
That's a lot of bass.
Everyone knows no song can be longer than 10 minutes unless it's The Sugar Hill Gang.
Pops
I know what'll make you feel better. What's Happening!!
And I told you... This kid Matt Bradley is trying to take my place as supreme and almighty leader of the JTP.
Pops
No, I'm saying What's Happening!!
I'm losing my posse! How are you not getting this?
Pops
I get it! I mean... What's Happening!!
I told you what's happening 10 times!
[voiceover] Much like my mom, who tended to swear, this is what Pops usually said.
Pops
[in the past] What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening?
Oh! What's Happening!! I love Rerun on these reruns This is a classic. Rerun tries to bootleg a show, and then the Doobie Brothers stop an entire concert when they see Rerun taping them.
Pops
Thanks for ruining it.
Wait a minute. He ruined the concert. That's it! I'll record the Dead concert and get caught.
Pops
I'm gonna really ask this time... What's happening?
I'll tell you what's happening. I'm gonna make sure the JTP never see a Dead show again.
[voiceover] Since my brother lost control of the JTP, he decided to assemble a better crew... He hoped.
Okay, welcome to my all-new and improved posse. I'm Big Tasty founder and leader. First order of business, we need a name.
No Rush, no Atkins. [He annoyingly stands up and leaves Barry]
Okay, so, our name has to have "Jenkintown" in it. I was thinking the Jenkintown Awesome Group.
DDan
Wait, you want us to be the JAGs?
SSergei
[in Russian accent] This is name for unbearable loser, yes? A jag?
Pops
Foreign kid's right. I don't want to be a jag.
DDan
Also, why is there an old man in our super-cool group?
Every group has a life of the party, and that's Pops. I'm our badass leader, Sergei's the funny one. And, of course, we got our wild card, Naked Dan.
DDan
Naked Dan? This is weird. I'm out. [He leaves]
SSergei
Is decided. Naked Sergei!
I give you Baré... Formal active wear for going to a ball or slam-dunking one.
Next, we got Naked Rob. BaréStyles is the only clothing this nudist will wear.
R"Naked" Rob
It really breathes, bro.
For the tiny man who can live in a shoe, we got Andy Cogan modelling the petite line.
Aw, come on, dude! I'm helping you!
And finally, we got Matthew Bradley showing off our sportsedo.
He shoots and scores... With the ladies.
Pops
Okay, he's making these poor boys wear a bunch of schmattas. You got to get involved now!
Pops
Aw, honey, what's wrong?
Nothing. I'm just tearing up 'cause Julia's chopping an onion.
Pops
You do know that that onion is on TV, right?
Okay, fine. [crying] It's my cookbook. I sent it out to some publishers, and they said that I was poop and that my cooking is poop and that my one and only dream is poop!
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
