Why did you call me when it's usually my wife who handles this annoying school crap?
Well, truthfully, I couldn't reach her. And more truthfully, I didn't try because she scares me.
BillSorry I'm late. We're having a sale down at the...
Son of a bitch. Oh, this guy.
[voiceover] And that guy was Lainey's dad, my father's archenemy, Bill Lewis.
Look, I called you both in here today because we need to talk about what's going on with your kids.
Bill
There's nothing going on, because I very clearly and emphatically forbade it.
Well, for the third time this week, I caught them canoodling in secret. It's unacceptable.
Bill
We have a saying in Texas... "don't blame the armadillo. Blame the armadillo's dumb father."
Oh-ho. We have a saying here... you're bald.
Bill
I'll have you know, the ladies love it. [pointing to Principal Ball]
Eh? Okay. What is happening here right now?
I'll tell you what's happening. This schmuck lives in Philadelphia, yet he roots for the Dallas cowboys. Who does that?
Bill
Red-blooded Americans, that's who does that.
Got to say, it surprises me, this friction that exists between the two of you, considering how similar you are.
Bill
Come on.
No, no, no. For example, you're both fathers. You're both small-business owners. You both seem very angry.
Bill
I'll give you that.
And you're both football fans. Now, this is a bond which I can respect as a lifelong fan of the New York football Giants.
Bill
Whoa, you're a Giants fan? Why the hell do you live in Philadelphia?
[pointing at Bill] He's got a point. Unlike the Giants last season.
[Both laugh]
Bill
Hey-oh! Whoa!
For your information, we won the conference last year, so suck it! So what I actually mean to say is that it's always easier to get along than be short with each other. And that is one of "Earl's pearls" you can take to the bank.
Well, thank you for your wise advice and, uh, the Giants suck.
Bill
Yeah. They suck so hard. But good luck next season. Whoops.
[voiceover] It was January 6, 1980-something. The fateful day my mom first laid eyes on our neighbors' new kitchen.
[voiceover] Everything was brand-new. It was an '80s architectural masterpiece of Formica in every shade of brown.
Is that almond-colored? It's beautiful. Like dirty snow. This linoleum, it looks like real tile. Oh, it spins around! Look! The cinnamon was in the back, and now it's in the front!
VVirginia
And the best part, Charles did the whole thing himself, and it cost half the price.
No, get out of my way. Move your body. I must speak to Murray now.
[Beverly now has to run back home and speak to Murray]
We're getting a new kitchen.
What's wrong with the old kitchen?
You just said it. It's old. It doesn't have what I need in the kitchen. Hello, Bill.
All you need in the kitchen is food and forks. And maybe a cup or two.
Bill
Also, you'd be surprised how often you use a juicer.
Then it's settled. We're gonna get a juicer. Damn it, Bevy, you win again.
I mean it. We need to renovate. This thing should be in a museum. A museum of ugly refrigerators. Blech! And look at this floor. No, don't. It'll give you a seizure. And what about these lazy-Susan-less cabinets? I've got to move the other spices out of the way like a wild animal. Like, "Oh, here's the tarragon." Oh. [But she accidentally clatters the pots on the floor] And now I'm stressed out.
Bill
She did make a mess.
Bevy, I'd love to give you a new kitchen, but it would cost a fortune. And the materials alone...
Bill
I'm a tile man. I'll hook you up for free.
Bill
I'll install it myself.
I see what this is about. You don't want this 'cause you're afraid of change.
[scoffs] What are you talking about?
You're a creature of habit. For the last 10 years, you've had the same job, same car, same clothes.
Just because I like things the certain way doesn't mean I'm a creature of habit.
Then how do you explain this?
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, Coca-Cola announced new coke, which sent their old-school customers into a tailspin.
The second you find out that coke is changing their recipe, you start to stockpile. What kind of person is afraid of new coke? It's nuts.
I'm not afraid. I just like the old-timey original kind.
Okay, see? You're just proving my point.
Bevy, I try new stuff. Like that big pink orange I ate that one time.
Yeah. Never again. The point is, I love change.
Well, there's gonna be some big changes around here. Big changes!
[voiceover] It was March 16, 1980-something, and my brother went to pick up his girlfriend, Lainey. One problem, he had to get by her dad first.
[Bill lets Barry in]
Bill
Lainey! The screamy kid with the crazy eyebrows is here.
Special night. It's our 10-month anniversary.
Bill
Anniversaries are for years, not months, so you're celebrating nothing. Let me see your wallet.
Bill
$6? Where do you plan to take her tonight? A vending machine at a bus station?
Oh, it's fine. She usually pays. [chuckles]
[Rock music plays as Lainey comes downstairs to see Barry]
Bill
Nope! Absolutely not! [Music stops] Shutting it down. [clears throat]
Bill
If that jacket hits the floor tonight, so do you. Okay, kids, have a great time.
[voiceover] Even though Barry had won the love of his life, it was becoming clear he had not won over her dad.
Bill
[sighs] Yet. Nothing like a cold one after work, am I right?
Amen to that, brother! Love me the old brew ha-ha, nectar of the gods, foam hammer, wheat and greet, little truth water, golden problem solver, beer. Move over, rover. [sitting next to Bill on the couch]
Bill
Are you telling me you drink?
Bill
You just said you love cold suds. So which is it? Are you a lush or a liar?
Bill
I'm gonna grab us a refill, Mur. You want a six pack, Mickey Mantle?
[Bill stands up and grab them a refill]
I'm probably being a little paranoid, but it kind of seems like Bill hates my living guts.
I don't get it. Mom says I'm literally a human ray of sunshine.
Your mom's a nice lady, but she's done some real damage to you.
I need Bill to be my friend. He's like a father to Lainey.
You're the boyfriend. No dad likes the guy who's dating his daughter.
So it's not personal. Yes! Top shelf.
Okay, got to beat my record.
[voiceover] As I was in way over my head, Barry was trying to make some headway with Bill.
Bill
[getting out of his car; laughing] There he is.
It's happening. He's changed his mind about me.
Bill
Anthony Balsamo, you old son of a gun. [hugging Anthony Balsamo] Where you been? Why don't you come around anymore?
AAnthony
'Cause your beautiful daughter broke up with me.
Bill
Ah, women. Who can understand them?
AAnthony
Hey, when am I gonna see you out on the links again?
Bill
My buddy and I have a tee time this weekend. You should caddy for me. Keep this duffer on the green. Look out! [laughs]
I hate it when my dad talks golf with my ex. They used to do it all the time when we dated.
Your dad like him while you two were dating? I thought he hated me 'cause I'm your boyfriend.
Oh, sweetie, no. My dad hates you as, like, a person. You being my boyfriend is just a happy coincidence.
Well, don't worry. I know a man who's got the inside track on your dad, and he'll be more than happy to help me.
[voiceover] Yep, my sister was ready for a life of crime just as Barry was preparing to steal Bill's heart.
[Bill and Murray arrive to see Barry]
Gentlemen! Thought you might like to load up on some meat and cheese before an active day in the hot sun. You're a fan, right, Bill?
Bill
Of Geno's cheesesteaks. You bought Pat's. Why not just punch me in the face?
Aren't they directly across the street from each other with the exact same ingredients?
Bill
Go on, punch my face. Do it.
Or we go to the eagles-cowboys game. 50-yard line, root for America's team?
Bill
I thought you were a diehard Eagles fan.
Until I discovered the Cowboys, my other favorite team, which happens to be yours.
Bill
You're gonna turn on the Eagles just like that? Son, don't you have any spine at all?
No. But you know what I do have? Matching bucket hats!
Bill
Why?
'Cause you love Bob Denver. You know, Gilligan, from the island.
Bill
What?
Bill
I don't like Bob Denver. I like John Denver.
Bill
Yes, one is folk icon who melts my heart. The other is a scrawny weirdo who couldn't close with Ginger or Mary Ann.
[laughs] I totally know the difference. I'm just busting chops. I just got you this hat so your head won't burn.
Bill
Are you calling me bald?
No, you have a beautiful head of hair. On the sides. You look like a judge.
Well, it's almost tee time. Come on, Barry. You're gonna come with us today.
Bill
He is?
Yeah, I invited the boy to join us.
Bill
You did?
Yeah, Barry and I play golf all the time. It's our thing.
I've never golfed with you, not once.
Moron, I'm doing you a solid. Don't blow this.
[Barry agrees to join them]
[voiceover] My dad did Barry the rare solid. Now, all Barry had to do was drive it home with Bill.
[clapping his hands] Ah, golf. The sports of kings. And queens, equal rights. [chuckles] I respect your foxy daughter. No, not foxy, she's an uggo to me. Not everyone else. They all think she has an awesome, plump butt.
Bill
What the [BLEEP], man?
Okay, we're trying way too hard.
No, don't do that either.
AAnthony
Wild Bill! You need a caddy?
Bill
There he is.
Anthony Balsamo's here? I can't complete with him. He's a total babe.
Relax, you're playing golf with Bill. He's just the caddy.
You're right. He's the caddy, the guy behind the guy. He's the one in Bill's ear whispering sweet advice. That's what I got to do.
Hey, pretty boy. Take a lap, I got this. [He dashes off] Just give me a sec. I'll catch up. [He picks up two golf bags with clubs in them but drops a lot of clubs]
[voiceover] Even though Bill Lewis was having the round of his life, my brother was having no luck breaking the ice.
Being a caddy sucks. All Bill wants me to do is wash his balls and hold his bag. It's funny but hard work.
I told you not to caddy for him.
[sighs] I messed this whole thing up. I'll never get another shot with Bill.
All right. I'm gonna help you.
Yeah. But this counts as your birthday present. Hey, Bill. Tweaked my shoulder. Barry's gonna finish the round for me.
Bill
[sighs]
Gonna use a driver on this one.
Bill
You're 60 yards out. Don't use my expensive driver for this chip shot.
Uh-uh-uh. No talking in my backswing. I learned that after I did it to you three times. It was now or never.
[This scene cuts to Barry finishing the round for Murray]
[voiceover] Barry would have to dig down deep inside himself and do the impossible.
[He takes a nice shot but he accidentally throws the driver into the golf pond]
Bill
Son of a bitch.
It's okay. I got this. [He goes into the water but it is so cold] Whoa! Way colder than I thought.
[voiceover] As Barry desperately failed in that murky golf pond, my dad realized the kid really needed a life preserver.
Bill
Starting to see why you call him moron so much.
Yeah, well, the thing is he's the sweetest moron you'd ever want to meet. And he loves your daughter, so much that he'd do anything to impress you.
I'm feeling around with my feet. It's mostly old golf balls and something with scales that's not afraid of humans.
Murray: So, please, cut the kid some slack.
Oh! I think I drowned a little. It was a very peaceful feeling. I saw my old gerbil. I'm going back in.
Bill
There he is. You old son of a gun.
Bill
Yeah. [to Lainey] Hey, sweetie. Can I have a minute with my caddy?
Be nice. [She just moves herself out of the way so Bill can sit next to him]
Bill
Listen. I know I've been hard on you, but there's a reason.
'Cause I'm not awesome like Anthony Balsamo?
Bill
[scoffs] No. To tell the truth, I knew those other guys were just a flash in the pan. But what you two have, it's the real deal.
Bill
Yeah. It's...scary. I guess I'm not just ready to lose my little girl. But I'm gonna try to be better about it.
[Barry agrees with Bill as Lainey turns back to Barry]
[voiceover] Inspired by the girl they both loved, Bill decided to start a new chapter with Barry. [Barry laughs] As for me, I closed the book on my life of crime.
Not so fun getting grounded for a month, huh?
Honestly, it's a relief. I was on a dark road. Farewell, Garth Vader Stein. Nice knowing you.
Don't talk to him, Erica. He's grounded. You know, you could learn a thing or two from your big sister.
[voiceover] And my mom finally turned a new page with Erica.
Made you a banana split. [to Adam] You get nothing. [She leaves]#
Hey, jailbird. Want to split this?
[voiceover] Growing up, we're all seen a certain way.
[Barry takes the last shot with the putter and he's finally puts the ball in the hole]
Yes! Mark it down. Octuple-bogey! Whoo!
[voiceover] But the people you love always see you for who you really are.
Bill
He really is.
[voiceover] And that's something worth celebrating.
[The scene cuts to the word "Dedicated to my awesome tape collection"]
This is my tapes, my other tapes.
[Then the word appears saying "Cost: 1 Penny" with an arrow pointing at the tape; then "Addressed to: Kermit D. Fonz also appears below]
Ah, again with this? My car works just fine. Tell her, Bill.
Bill
This kind of feels like one of those lose-lose situations I'd rather not be involved in.
Too late. You're going with us. You're gonna be a bad influence and goad him into spending more money.
How about this? We compromise. I replace the door handle, and boom! Everybody wins!
Forget the door handle. You've been driving the same car since our first date.
So it's got sentimental value. You get it.
You're getting a new car. [leaves him]
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
