[rapping] Check it. One, two Two, one Three, two, one One, two, three Three, two, one Ah, wait. I messed up. Can I start over, guys?
[The next person to play the saxophone is Johnny Atkins]
Before you say yes, I have a list of 200 demands.
R"Naked" Rob
My rhymes are hotter than a candle's wick Call a doctor 'cause my flow is sick The ladies say Rob's gonna make it 'cause when I rock the mike, I get buck naked
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is there any way Naked Rob can rap without getting naked?
R"Naked" Rob
Nudity, or I walk.
Yeah, no, okay. [stutters] You guys, I thought I could do this to impress Erica, but I just... I can't. [stutters again] I get wicked stage fright.
Dude! You look just like Ad-Rock. The resemblance is uncanny.
Oh, my God. It really is, bro.
Does Ad-Rock break into hives onstage? Oh, no. The room is spinning. I'm going down.
He said yes! The Tasty Boys are in! [He gives Adam a hi-five as Geoff is in and falls]
Yo, Erica! I've been practicing my freestyle. Want to hear it?
So, what? You spent all weekend writing a rap, and now you're trying to make me think that you're making it up on that spot?
No. It's off the top of my head. Check it.
No, no, no, no. If this is freestyle, I pick the topic. Bicycles.
Got it. This rap's dedicated to all the big-booty... Bicycles. [beatboxing] [singing] My name's Big Tasty, and my rhymes are shady
Come back to my crib and be my... Bicycle
Cause one not bicycle can't hold me down
I got to Have... Bicycles In every town
Bicycle, bicycle, I can't disguise
I love your neck, and I love your w... Wheels
You know, you're fooling no one, right?
You just don't understand hip-hop. [walking out of her room clattering]
[voiceover] As my universe was crumbling, my mom saw a world where she finally got a photo in the paper with her kids.
Yo, yo, yo, volunteers. Who's ready to get this homeless party started?
Mom, what are you doing here?
You're looking at the new regional captain for Hands Across America.
What happened to Coach Mellor?
He cracked under the pressure. But don't worry, Mama's here. I know how important this is for you.
Me, too. Shut it down, people.
[They all groan]
Whoa, hold up. Now that I'm involved, you're just gonna bail?
Nothing personal. You just make fun things suck.
Well, that... That is a shame because this lady right here just got Scott Baio to ditch Philly and come to J-town.
Dude, we got Fonzie's cousin.
[They all cheer]
No, everyone stop. Mom, did you really get Scott Baio?
I literally just got off the phone with Scotty B. He told me to call him "Scotty B." And he agreed to come here and hold hands with me.
I call the one available hand.
No way! The hand is mine!
Okay, this is my future husband. Why do you care?
'Cause he's my future best bro. And once Scott meets me, he'll ditch Willie Aames and fly me to Hollywood so I never have to talk to you people again.
Ugh. I don't understand how we all got the flu.
I told you... With all that hand-holding, you'd catch a bug.
Will you stop saying that? It's not even how it works.
[Someone knocks at the door]
Ooh, sounds like we may have a special visitor.
Wait, did Scott Baio's people finally get back to you?
No, but, uh, I still have Ben Franklin rented for an hour.
BFBen Franklin
Good morrow, sick children. As I so famously said in 1780-something, an apple a day keeps the doctor...
[voiceover] Back in the '80s game shows ruled the TV. There was Pyramid, Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy!, and The Newlywed Game. But to us kids, none came close to Double Dare. It was the world's best game show, filled with trivia, physical challenges, and host Marc Summers, who managed to smile even when his nice suits got messy.
[voiceover] The '80s gave us the multiplex... 10 glorious movies under one roof, a heaven where you could literally spend a whole day inside, delighting in mystery, action, and some of the greatest films ever made.
[giving the man a ticket] One for ET. One for Indiana Jones, please. One ticket for Mannequin. One for The Lost Boys, please. One for Weekend at Bernie's. They put sunglasses on a corpse. [chuckles]
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, everyone had their favorite guitar-shredding rock god. But there's only one musical bad boy who rocked my world. Weird Al.
Dare to be stupid? You know it!
[voiceover] Weird Al made me want to write comedy. The way he'd parody a pop song never ceased to amaze me.
Is that my Cher wig from Halloween?
Darn right. Can I borrow some hair spray? I think I need more body.
[voiceover] Weird Al even inspired me to write my own parody songs.
Good news, bro. I've decided to honor you in song.
You know the Wang Chung song Everybody have fun tonight? Well, I changed all the lyrics to make them all about you.
Ah, you've improved the song. Let's hear it.
[singing] Everybody have fun tonight My brother Barry is a wang tonight
[singing] Barry's gonna kick your ass tonight
[voiceover] Yep, Weird Al was my comic muse, and I finally had the chance to see him live.
[voiceover] The '80s was the decade of great dance movies, but nothing had the moves or magic of the epic love story "Dirty Dancing." And no one loved it more than Beverly Goldberg.
JCJohnny Castle
[on the big screen at the cinema] Somebody who's taught me...
...That there are people willing to stand up for other people no matter what it costs them. [mimicking] Sit down, Jake.
[voiceover] Unfortunately, my mom dragged me to see it with her... 17 times.
You said we could see "Spaceballs." There's no space or balls in this whole movie.
Hold my hand. Live this with me.
[voiceover] My mom was so obsessed, she even bought a copy for the low price of $89.99.
JCJohnny Castle
[on the TV] Nobody puts Baby in the corner.
My God, his arms are like glistening tree trunks.
And -- woof -- mama like that muffet. [snorts]
[voiceover] "Dirty Dancing" was the only thing that got my mom and sister to get along. For the first time ever, they were, like, friends.
You know, this is actually based on a true story.
I'm pretty sure that's not true.
It's real, and you can't take that away from me.
Wait...maybe it can be! The sucky losers on the school dance committee are still fighting over a theme. We can do a "dirty dancing" dance!
Are you telling me you get to live "dirty dancing," and I could live every moment through you?
That's not what I'm saying at all.
It's decided. We do this dance.
Aw, screw it! Help me plan it.
Lame! Sorry, ladies! Truth bomb coming in! This one gonna hurt! "Dirty Dancing" sucks!
No! Don't you ruin this for us!
There's only one dance movie in this world that matters -- "footloose"!
It has it all -- gymnastics, bros bonding secretly with dance, and a ruggedly handsome outsider who dances into the hearts of a small town.
Please! "Dirty dancing" is at least realistic. A beautiful girl dances into the hearts of a small resort.
No. Patrick Swayze can only be a badass roadhouse bouncer, not some tight-pants-wearing mountain dancer.
You are grounded for six weeks! No TV or phone!
But I need the phone to talk and the TV to watch television!
Fine! You took away my "footloose," I take away your "dirty dancing." [He is about to take away her "Dirty Dancing."]
He is a bouncer! He's a bouncer!
[voiceover] It was March 2nd, 1980-something, and my mom had one simple request of my dad.
Murray, there's something wrong with the wheels of this vacuum cleaner. Can you come down and take a look at it?
I just bought you a new used one nine years ago!
I'm telling you, it's sticking. See, if you just move it back and forth, you know?
[helping her hoover] Seems fine to me.
Just move with it a little. Just, uh, take a few steps forward and a few steps back.
There it goes. [She switches the boombox on playing "I Had a Time of My Life"] Just really get into the rhythm of the vacuum.
Oh-ho-ho, no! I see what you're doing. I am not dancing with you.
Damn it! I was inches away from having the time of my life. Inches! [She switches the music off and storms off]
Hoo-hoo! That was a close one, huh?
You mean, how you almost gave your wife the one thing she's desperately wanted for the last 25 years? The nerve of some people.
See? You get it. Why doesn't she?
Murray, it's important to her. It's just dancing. What's the big deal?
For one thing, I literally have never danced a day in my life. And based upon my current energy level, not gonna start soon.
Oh, stop. Everyone's danced at some point.
You've never been in the shower and hummed a few bars?
I'm all business in the shower. Soap, rinse, out.
You've never once been driving, and Miami sound machine comes on and you tap your finger on the wheel?
Tap my finger? Who am I, Gregory Hines?
Are you trying to say that even as a little boy, you never once clapped your hands to the radio?
My dad traded it for a bucket. That's how I got my birthday bucket.
This is a nightmare! And you're to blame.
True. And it's going to be the first school dance ever worth going to.
No. When will this "dirty dancing" oppression end?! When will everybody cut loose, footloose, lick off your sundae spoons?!
Sweetie, I keep telling you, the song is not about ice cream.
You don't know! No one does!
[sitting next to Erica] Hey, pretty pretty. Guess you're gonna be looking for a partner to practice those sensual moves with.
And it's not going to be you.
Come on, I know every single move that swayze does in that movie.
R"Naked" Rob
Ah, good for you.
Actually, I've never seen it, but I will now, and I will dedicate my life to becoming your own personal swayze.
You go full swayze, maybe I'll let you dance near me.
Proximity dance! It's a deal!
Yeah. No deal. [He comes and rips it apart]
There is no way "dirty dancing" will ever be a theme at a school-sanctioned dance.
It's literally got "dirty" in the title, not to mention it's wildly inappropriate.
That piece of human [Bleep] doesn't know what's inappropriate for children.
He said the theme's gonna be "soda hop pop." It's over, mom.
Over? Did Johnny Castle give up when we was unjustly fired from Kellerman's?
That's right! He came back and danced dirty, and so will you after I march down to that school and give Principal Ball a piece of my mind.
To demand unrealistic changes to school policy, with a complete disdain for reason and common sense?
I've never been prouder to call you my daughter.
And I've been been proud to be your daughter until now.
[voiceover] And so, for the first time, Erica Goldberg marched down to school and channeled Beverly Goldberg.
And if you still say no, I'll go above your shiny head to the PTA. No, the school board. No, the secretary of education. So, what do you and your coffee-stained tie have to say to that?
What?! That's not how this is supposed to work!
The thing is, I'm an adult, and the way you're speaking to me is completely unacceptable.
But I'm a Goldberg. This is what we do.
And fortunately for both of us, you're not your mother [chuckling] and she's not here right now.
[Behind the door, Beverly is watching him at the window door]
But...I think we could compromise on something besides a dirty dance.
Okay, door's always open, but no more steamrolling me! I want your respect. Understand?
[sighs] Thank goodness that's over.
[voiceover] As Erica was channeling my mom at school, my dad was being schooled by Pops.
Ah, Murray, perfect timing. Come over here, take a seat. [It cuts to Murray showing the dancing album book] I want you to look at that handsome young man and tell me what you see.
Someone who was still able to drop his pants in peace.
No! This is a photo of your first dance, your first act as a married man, and you're not even moving.
I moved plenty that day. I walked down the aisle, I stepped on the glass, I walked back up the aisle. I was a regular Carl Lewis.
Damn it, Murray, when you asked for my daughter's hand, you said you'd do anything you could to make her happy. Does it look like happiness to you?
Ugh. Fine! I'll do one dance, but I'm not moving my lower half.
Did someone say "dance instructor"?
No! Where did you even come from?!
Come on! It's like "footloose"! You're the dopey farm boy, and I'm Kevin Bacon! Let me be your Bacon!
Don't distract me with bacon. I'm not dancing.
Come on! [turning on the music on the boombox; Footloose by Kevin Loggins is playing] Yeah! Feel the beat! There's nothing wrong with two bros bonding over dance.
Barry, this is a delicate situation. You're making it worse!
Well, the infectious music of Kenny Loggins will win him over.
It's not winning him over.
The human body is literally programmed to love Loggins. He can't say no!
[Adam stops the music]
What if I told you there was a way that you could be a dancing god without ever having to move your body?
All you got to do is raise your hands over your head.
You're gonna listen to this lazy-eyed nerd when you have this at your disposal?
I'm gonna go with Adam's easy thing.
Okay, if you can pull this off with mom, you'll never have to dance again.
Are you insane? I can't do that!
And neither could Ferris Bueller's lame-ass sister. This is, until she learned how.
[This scene cuts to the swimming pool]
I'm in a pool. I don't want to be in a pool.
In a movie, they were in a lake. Would you rather be in a lake?
I'd rather be in my chair!
Put your hands up. I'll jump to you. You catch me.
[Adam jumps to him but he jumps into the pool 3 times; then he jumps onto him]
I'm cold. Let's forget this.
This is your chance to make mom feel loved and delighted!
I'm freezing and miserable!
Don't you swim away from me! What is that, a doggy paddle? You're a grown man!
