My perfect girl? Well, she should have big blue eyes and big blonde hair.
She shouldn't be afraid to speak her mind, you know? I mean, she should have a sensitive side, but still be a hard-ass.
Oh! Sit up straight, honey.
And I want her to take care of me. Cook, pick up my stuff, make me hot pockets. Mm. [mouth full] By the way, thank you for the hot pocket.
All right, and I'm on the case for my sweet, handsome, delicious boy. [She chuckles and kisses Barry]
EricaYou know, you just described mom.
What? I didn't... Oh, my god! Mom! I meant a brunette who doesn't cook at all! And she's gotta be super shy and not related to me at all!
Erica
Mommy, I have a question. So, Lainey's going to ocean city over the weekend, and if you let me go, I will give you the best Snuggies of your life. [hugging her but not realizing it's Barry wearing a wig]
Erica
God! You've got to stop wearing that wig. I keep thinking you're mom.
What are you talking about? I look awesome.
Erica
Seriously, look at you. [showing Barry a compact mirror]
Erica
Say "I have failed as a mother."
"I have failed as a mother." Adam, we're getting mohawks! [rushes off to him]
[Adam videotapes himself singing and dancing to "Faith" by George Michael. Adam soon bumps his arm on a bookshelf, causing it and everything on it to fall on him]
[checking to see what happened] [gasps] Snuggle monster! [runs really fast toward Adam]
Erica
[signing the cast on Adam's broken arm]: I can't believe you broke your arm dancing.
It was either that or when Mom jumped on me. I'm so psyched! This severe compound fracture is my ticket to popularity.
Nerd's right. Everybody loves the kid in the cast.
Erica
Yeah, until everybody finds out how he broke it.
Why? What's wrong with a lonely boy in his room, videotaping himself shaking his groove thang to George Michael? Yeah, I hear it now.
Erica
Just come up with a good lie. Something cool.
[voiceover] It was January 7, 1980-something, and Erica was finding a new and exciting way to torture us.
Erica
Ha! Look, it's Barry's baby helmet.
No! I thought we gave that back to the institute.
Erica
You were so cute with your little flat head. I used to rest my Kool-Aid on you.
My head's perfectly round now.
Erica
[having found the photo] Oh, my gosh. It's a picture of you all helmeted up. This is gonna look great in the yearbook.
[They laugh and Erica returns back]
Come on in! We just invited over a few pals for a little video premiere party.
Erica
No.
I like it when you said your hand was Jonathan and then you made out with it. [laughing]
Erica
No!
Wait, you made fun of me for my Corey Feldman shrine, and all along, you were doing this?
Erica
No!
Erica
No!
Let's play it again, shall we?
Erica
Stop doing what you're doing and turn it off.
Turn it up? Yeah, you got it. [turning up the volume]
Erica
Turn it off!
EOErica on TV
I love you! Barry, the attic! I love you so much!
[Barry pushes Erica out of the way and he and Adam run upstairs and she chases them]
[voiceover] My sister was furious she has lost all the power, but not half as mad as when she saw what we did to her room.
Ho, ho! [noticing all the posters with Joey, Jonathan, Danny and Donald on each of them] Donald.
Erica
Why are you doing this to me?
We just wanted to make sure you had... "The right stuff."
Erica
Just take your stupid flat helmet head and get out of my room.
Normally, that would send me into an emotional tailspin. But from now on, no matter what you say, you're just a borderline adult woman who likes lame boy bands.
Erica
No! You do not have the power. I have the power.
Oh, no. For years, our stupid life choices and physical awkwardness has given you ammo to humiliate us, but no more!
[Adam and Barry give each other a hi-five]
[voiceover] And just like that, Erica's childhood dreams became her adult nightmare.
[Erica knocks down the cut out]
Stylish? You're wearing Batman pajama bottoms.
It's Batman Under Armour!
Erica
Okay, everybody out. I need to use the... [sees Adam shaving] Oh, my God! Are you using my lady BIC?
I'm stimulating the follicles.
Erica
Ha! You suck. Barry, get the camera! Adam's being Adam!
What's with all the yelling? Oh, my joy! Is my baby trying to shave? [happy gasp]
I'm stimulating the follicles.
I got the Polaroid. Say "peach fuzz." [takes a picture of Adam, much to the latter's embarrassment]
Haha! That's going on the holiday card. [laughing]
[Indistinct conversations]
Erica
Happy to report the dorks and dinks are afraid to talk to me again. All is right with the world.
Well, now that you've been on the other side, maybe you'll have pity for them.
Erica
[scoffs]
Erica
Whoa!
Get your stupid pink eye...in both eyes. And I was so upset I threw my hair dryer against the wall and broke it. Now I'm so stressed, I think I may be getting a little pimple. Am I?
Erica
There might be something coming in.
[sighs] I'm so sorry, Barry. I don't wanna be seen with me, I totally get it.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm super into this.
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, they combined the two greatest things in the world... music and television. We all remember our favorite veejays introducing the coolest videos on a constant loop. The budgets were as high as the air, and the animation ranged from dancing cats to hunky cartoon boyfriends. And no one was more addicted to it than me and my sister.
Erica
I can't decide whether that guy's hotter as a human or a cartoon.
If Jessica Rabbit taught us anything...cartoon.
Erica
I mean, what did we even do before MTV existed?
I think we just listened to music like animals.
[Beverly turns the TV off]
Erica
Get out!
You've been watching this music MTV television for six hours. Enough is enough. Go do your homework.
Erica
Well, if you think about it, I'm gonna be a musician, so this is my homework.
And if you really think about it, my life's passion is making films, so this is my homework, too.
Well, my passion is snuggies, which I'm gonna shower you with if you don't leave right now. Go before I kiss your belly. [smooching] And you... have you even looked at the college catalogs I brought you?
Erica
Actually, I have, and I've narrowed it down to my top choices.
[laughing] Oh, yes! It's happening! You're growing up. Oh, no. It's happening. I'm not ready for this. Make time stop. Make it stop!
Erica
Focus! Okay, one option is the London Conservatory of Music.
Ocean between us... pass.
Erica
There's also an awesome music program at UCLA.
Country between us... pass.
Erica
Boston School of Music.
A Connecticut between us... pass.
Erica
Mom.
What about something here in town, like the prestigious Jenkintown Funk Academy?
Erica
That's the dance studio/karate dojo next to the Mattress Store.
[sighs] There's got to be something within driving distance.
Erica
Well, I guess Juilliard is in New York. That's my dream school, but no one gets in.
[gasps] We're going to Juilliard.
Erica
Okay, stop. That's the best school in the country.
Best for you, closest for me. I am gonna make this happen.
Erica
I'm not getting in.
We're going to Juilliard.
Erica
It's impossible.
We're going to Juilliard!
[Erica puts her folder in the locker when the saxophone plays]
Erica
[chuckles] Hey, Johnny.
Yo, looking forward to Saturday night.
Erica
Me too.
So I'll pick up Carla first, be at your place around 7:00, cool?
Erica
Cool. [chuckles] Wait, what?
Yeah, I'm also giving her a ride to the dance. And she can hang out with us. And dance with us.
Erica
Are you taking both of us to the dance?
Classic Johnny Atkins, am I right? How could you not see this coming?
Erica
Because I have no idea who you are, other than an oddly confident band geek.
Shows what you know. Band geek in the front, rock God in the back.
Erica
Are you seriously okay with this?
No, but I really feel like I can fix him.
But she can't, so what do you say?
What do you think she says? Hit the bricks, bro.
Dude, I will punch you in the eyeball.
Erica, help me. He's serious.
Erica
[sighs] You know what, Johnny? That's a firm "no" to your creepy offer.
Your loss. Hey, Debbie Gordon, you got a date to homecoming yet? [He walks along with Carla and plays saxophone]
Oh, man, that was so sweet of me, huh? So if it's looking like you're free Saturday night, then...
Erica
I'm not going to the dance, Geoff. Not with anybody. [She walks off]
[voiceover] As my mom was laying down the law, Barry was laying down some tracks.
[Adam and Barry are beatboxing]
Good afternoon, my name is Barry I came to get down, and my rhymes are scary
Erica
You morons! I told you to stop going in my room and stealing my old glasses.
But we need 'em to get the cool fisheye-lens effect.
Your jacked-up eyeballs are our hip-hop supergroup's game.
Erica
I'm sorry. Supergroup?
You may play the guitar and sing like an angel, but I'm the real musician in the family.
I'm just happy he's including me. Life DJ Jazzy Jeff.
Erica
Dude, you're not a real musician. You can't sing or read music or play an instrument, unlike me, who can do all of it.
Hiding in your bedroom. You've written tons of lame chick songs, but no one's ever heard them.
Erica
I'm just... Perfecting each one.
No. You're stalling 'cause you're afraid of what people might think of you. I, on the other hand, don't think at all.
It's true. He does not think.
Erica
Just because you like Beastie Boys doesn't mean you can be them. They're three awesome musicians, and you're two clueless idiots.
You're right. We need a third.
Erica
I feel like I could say anything, and you would just do whatever you want.
She's right! We should hold auditions! [He gives Adam a hi-five]
Yo, Erica! I've been practicing my freestyle. Want to hear it?
Erica
So, what? You spent all weekend writing a rap, and now you're trying to make me think that you're making it up on that spot?
No. It's off the top of my head. Check it.
Erica
No, no, no, no. If this is freestyle, I pick the topic. Bicycles.
Got it. This rap's dedicated to all the big-booty... Bicycles. [beatboxing] [singing] My name's Big Tasty, and my rhymes are shady
Come back to my crib and be my... Bicycle
Cause one not bicycle can't hold me down
I got to Have... Bicycles In every town
Bicycle, bicycle, I can't disguise
I love your neck, and I love your w... Wheels
Erica
You know, you're fooling no one, right?
You just don't understand hip-hop. [walking out of her room clattering]
[voiceover] As my universe was crumbling, my mom saw a world where she finally got a photo in the paper with her kids.
Yo, yo, yo, volunteers. Who's ready to get this homeless party started?
Mom, what are you doing here?
You're looking at the new regional captain for Hands Across America.
Erica
What happened to Coach Mellor?
He cracked under the pressure. But don't worry, Mama's here. I know how important this is for you.
Erica
Yeah, I'm out.
Me, too. Shut it down, people.
[They all groan]
Whoa, hold up. Now that I'm involved, you're just gonna bail?
Nothing personal. You just make fun things suck.
Well, that... That is a shame because this lady right here just got Scott Baio to ditch Philly and come to J-town.
Dude, we got Fonzie's cousin.
[They all cheer]
Erica
No, everyone stop. Mom, did you really get Scott Baio?
I literally just got off the phone with Scotty B. He told me to call him "Scotty B." And he agreed to come here and hold hands with me.
Erica
I call the one available hand.
No way! The hand is mine!
Erica
Okay, this is my future husband. Why do you care?
'Cause he's my future best bro. And once Scott meets me, he'll ditch Willie Aames and fly me to Hollywood so I never have to talk to you people again.
Ugh. I don't understand how we all got the flu.
I told you... With all that hand-holding, you'd catch a bug.
Erica
Will you stop saying that? It's not even how it works.
[Someone knocks at the door]
Ooh, sounds like we may have a special visitor.
Erica
Wait, did Scott Baio's people finally get back to you?
No, but, uh, I still have Ben Franklin rented for an hour.
BFBen Franklin
Good morrow, sick children. As I so famously said in 1780-something, an apple a day keeps the doctor...
Erica
Not again.
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, everyone had their favorite guitar-shredding rock god. But there's only one musical bad boy who rocked my world. Weird Al.
Dare to be stupid? You know it!
[voiceover] Weird Al made me want to write comedy. The way he'd parody a pop song never ceased to amaze me.
Erica
Is that my Cher wig from Halloween?
Darn right. Can I borrow some hair spray? I think I need more body.
Erica
You are so weird.
[voiceover] Weird Al even inspired me to write my own parody songs.
Good news, bro. I've decided to honor you in song.
You know the Wang Chung song Everybody have fun tonight? Well, I changed all the lyrics to make them all about you.
Ah, you've improved the song. Let's hear it.
[singing] Everybody have fun tonight My brother Barry is a wang tonight
[singing] Barry's gonna kick your ass tonight
[voiceover] Yep, Weird Al was my comic muse, and I finally had the chance to see him live.
[voiceover] The '80s was the decade of great dance movies, but nothing had the moves or magic of the epic love story "Dirty Dancing." And no one loved it more than Beverly Goldberg.
JCJohnny Castle
[on the big screen at the cinema] Somebody who's taught me...
...That there are people willing to stand up for other people no matter what it costs them. [mimicking] Sit down, Jake.
[voiceover] Unfortunately, my mom dragged me to see it with her... 17 times.
You said we could see "Spaceballs." There's no space or balls in this whole movie.
Hold my hand. Live this with me.
[voiceover] My mom was so obsessed, she even bought a copy for the low price of $89.99.
JCJohnny Castle
[on the TV] Nobody puts Baby in the corner.
Erica
My God, his arms are like glistening tree trunks.
And -- woof -- mama like that muffet. [snorts]
[voiceover] "Dirty Dancing" was the only thing that got my mom and sister to get along. For the first time ever, they were, like, friends.
You know, this is actually based on a true story.
Erica
I'm pretty sure that's not true.
It's real, and you can't take that away from me.
Erica
Wait...maybe it can be! The sucky losers on the school dance committee are still fighting over a theme. We can do a "dirty dancing" dance!
Are you telling me you get to live "dirty dancing," and I could live every moment through you?
Erica
That's not what I'm saying at all.
It's decided. We do this dance.
Erica
Aw, screw it! Help me plan it.
Lame! Sorry, ladies! Truth bomb coming in! This one gonna hurt! "Dirty Dancing" sucks!
No! Don't you ruin this for us!
There's only one dance movie in this world that matters -- "footloose"!
Erica
Go away!
It has it all -- gymnastics, bros bonding secretly with dance, and a ruggedly handsome outsider who dances into the hearts of a small town.
Erica
Please! "Dirty dancing" is at least realistic. A beautiful girl dances into the hearts of a small resort.
No. Patrick Swayze can only be a badass roadhouse bouncer, not some tight-pants-wearing mountain dancer.
You are grounded for six weeks! No TV or phone!
But I need the phone to talk and the TV to watch television!
Fine! You took away my "footloose," I take away your "dirty dancing." [He is about to take away her "Dirty Dancing."]
Erica
No!
Erica
No!
He is a bouncer! He's a bouncer!
Erica
Dancer!
Erica
Dancer! Dancer!
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
