[Erica puts her folder in the locker when the saxophone plays]
JohnnyYo, looking forward to Saturday night.
Johnny
So I'll pick up Carla first, be at your place around 7:00, cool?
Cool. [chuckles] Wait, what?
Johnny
Yeah, I'm also giving her a ride to the dance. And she can hang out with us. And dance with us.
Are you taking both of us to the dance?
Johnny
Classic Johnny Atkins, am I right? How could you not see this coming?
Because I have no idea who you are, other than an oddly confident band geek.
Johnny
Shows what you know. Band geek in the front, rock God in the back.
Are you seriously okay with this?
No, but I really feel like I can fix him.
Johnny
But she can't, so what do you say?
What do you think she says? Hit the bricks, bro.
Johnny
Dude, I will punch you in the eyeball.
Erica, help me. He's serious.
[sighs] You know what, Johnny? That's a firm "no" to your creepy offer.
Johnny
Your loss. Hey, Debbie Gordon, you got a date to homecoming yet? [He walks along with Carla and plays saxophone]
Oh, man, that was so sweet of me, huh? So if it's looking like you're free Saturday night, then...
I'm not going to the dance, Geoff. Not with anybody. [She walks off]
[rapping] Check it. One, two Two, one Three, two, one One, two, three Three, two, one Ah, wait. I messed up. Can I start over, guys?
[The next person to play the saxophone is Johnny Atkins]
Johnny
Before you say yes, I have a list of 200 demands.
R"Naked" Rob
My rhymes are hotter than a candle's wick Call a doctor 'cause my flow is sick The ladies say Rob's gonna make it 'cause when I rock the mike, I get buck naked
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is there any way Naked Rob can rap without getting naked?
R"Naked" Rob
Nudity, or I walk.
Yeah, no, okay. [stutters] You guys, I thought I could do this to impress Erica, but I just... I can't. [stutters again] I get wicked stage fright.
Dude! You look just like Ad-Rock. The resemblance is uncanny.
Oh, my God. It really is, bro.
Does Ad-Rock break into hives onstage? Oh, no. The room is spinning. I'm going down.
He said yes! The Tasty Boys are in! [He gives Adam a hi-five as Geoff is in and falls]
[voiceover] As my universe was crumbling, my mom saw a world where she finally got a photo in the paper with her kids.
Yo, yo, yo, volunteers. Who's ready to get this homeless party started?
Mom, what are you doing here?
You're looking at the new regional captain for Hands Across America.
What happened to Coach Mellor?
He cracked under the pressure. But don't worry, Mama's here. I know how important this is for you.
Me, too. Shut it down, people.
[They all groan]
Whoa, hold up. Now that I'm involved, you're just gonna bail?
Nothing personal. You just make fun things suck.
Well, that... That is a shame because this lady right here just got Scott Baio to ditch Philly and come to J-town.
Johnny
Dude, we got Fonzie's cousin.
[They all cheer]
No, everyone stop. Mom, did you really get Scott Baio?
I literally just got off the phone with Scotty B. He told me to call him "Scotty B." And he agreed to come here and hold hands with me.
I call the one available hand.
No way! The hand is mine!
Okay, this is my future husband. Why do you care?
'Cause he's my future best bro. And once Scott meets me, he'll ditch Willie Aames and fly me to Hollywood so I never have to talk to you people again.
[voiceover] The soda pop hop was in full effect. It was less than thrilling.
Johnny
The '50s suck. To think I dressed up in my good rush shirt and everything.
[voiceover] Thankfully for every kid in that gym, Erica and her friends had other plans.
It's 21:00. Operation "dance my way into Erica's heart" is a go.
R"Naked" Rob
It's way too long.
[Erica comes into the hall in slow-motion]
[voiceover] Yep, Erica was a girl on a mission -- make a squeaky-clean dance a little more dirty.
I love sharing secrets with you!
R"Naked" Rob
Way too loud.
[Geoff, "Naked" Rob and Andy get on the stage]
[to DJ] Hey, dude, some guy, like, barfed on your van.
[He begins to chase after Andy Cogan]
[Adam in Duckie from Pretty in Pink comes to see his friends]
TTaz
Whoa. What's with the bolo tie?
I've come to terms that I'm the lovable nerd, like Duckie from Pretty in Pink. And I've decided to embrace it. Wait. Why are you guys wearing hats, too?
TTaz
'Cause I want the cool kids to think I'm a rugged adventurer, like Indiana Jones.
And I'm hoping this Devo hat lands me a spot in the New Wave crowd.
Gentlemen, high school's gonna rock.
Johnny
Nice hats, hat boys.
You're all wearing hats like idiots! That's your thing!
Johnny
Later, hat heads. [chuckles]
High school's gonna suck.
[voiceover] As Erica did my dad's dirty work, me and my new pals were having some good, clean fun.
MCMike C. Levy
And that, my friend, is how you use Basic to program a real-body booby.
Johnny
[pulling the plug out causing the computer to switch off] Scram! Me and this lady are gonna study for health class, with our faces.
MCMike C. Levy
No way! We're allowed to be here at lunch. Mr. Glascott says.
Johnny
You're a ballsy, little nerd, aren't you? Tell you what, I'm gonna let it slide, but only because there's a broom closet for us right down the hall. Later, nerd losers.
Look at them with their nerd thermoses. Like they're nerd construction workers. [She and Johnny laugh]
[They leave the computer room but are stopped by Beverly]
Excuse me. What did you just say about those nerd losers?
Uh, that they should drink out of their nerd thermoses?
[The scene cuts to Principal Glascott's office]
So, what kind of punishment are we talking about here? Suspension, expulsion, solitary confinement? Do we do that? 'Cause that's what I want.
Yeah. You two can go back to class, and try not to be so accurate with your nerd results next time. [Carla and Johnny are heading back to class] Oh, and stay out of that broom closet. Yeah, that's right. Old Glascott knows what's up!
Why did you let them go? They called my schmoo a nerd.
That's not on them. That's more on your schmoo for being one.
Hey, only I get to call my schmoo a schmoo.
The point is, Adam and his gang of computer dorks don't even eat in the lunchroom. That means they're not even on the social ladder. You've got to do something about this. If you don't help Adam, then you have failed as a mother.
But that is my greatest nightmare. You gotta help me. Please. I told him I'd respect his boundaries. Guide me. It's what you're so good at.
I know you're playing me for a fool, but this fool has low-grade depression. So... I'll bite.
[voiceover] When you were a kid, cracking open a toy catalog and making your holiday wish list was the most exciting part of the year. But now that I was a ninth-grade man, I wanted something you couldn't find in any store.
Johnny
Psst! Yo! Goldnerd, Come here. [Adam comes to Johnny] You got the money, I got the hook-up.
[voiceover] Christmas came early. He had a bootleg copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special.
Holy Kenobi! The legend is true!
Johnny
This is the rarest film in existence. Only aired once in the lame-ass '70s.
Give me, give me, give me!
Johnny
Pleasure doing business. Enjoy your Star Wars. [Adam gives him his pound note and Johnny hands him a video of Star Wars Holiday Special.]
[voiceover] Ah, the Grateful Dead... There were the chillest jam band of the '80s, and wherever they went, their die-hard fans would follow them. Back then, every school had the token Deadhead. Ours was Matt Bradley.
R"Naked" Rob
So talented.
Where you guys been? I was at the Wawa, feeding that stray dog pizza. You missed out big-time. He loves pineapples, like a person.
I eat those, and I'm a person.
Come on. Let's go spit off a bridge.
Actually, I think we'd rather just chill here and watch Matt Bradley jam.
That guy? He's a stupid Deadhead.
So? Their songs are, like, a million hours long, their crazy fans smell like armpits, and all they wear is tie-dye. It's like, pick a color, bro. You can't have them all.
Look past the swirly colors, man. Matt Bradley's a good egg.
We should totally make him a member of the JTP.
No way! It's in our official bylaws that any potential JTP prospect has to bring something new to the group.
R"Naked" Rob
Dude, he's, like, a chick magnet.
He's also, like, super-chill.
I'm super-chill! I will physically hurt your face right now!
At the very least, he's musical.
You want music? Watch and learn. [standing on the table] Attention, adoring fans. Big Tasty is in the house!
Johnny
You suck!
[pointing at Johnny] That's right! I do rock. JTP, drop a beat.
Um, Bar, history has proven that you say two good lines and then you freeze up and just repeat them over and over...
[They start beatboxing]
[singing] Check to the one and check to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rapping at you 'Cause I'm checking to the one and I'm checking to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rapping for you Checkity one and checkity two
He's stuck in a loop again.
[continues singing] And I'm rapping and I'm rapping and I'm rapping at you
[Crowd boos]
And he's gonna get hit in the face in three, two...
[voiceover] Since my brother lost control of the JTP, he decided to assemble a better crew... He hoped.
Okay, welcome to my all-new and improved posse. I'm Big Tasty founder and leader. First order of business, we need a name.
Johnny
How about Rush?
Johnny
No Rush, no Atkins. [He annoyingly stands up and leaves Barry]
Okay, so, our name has to have "Jenkintown" in it. I was thinking the Jenkintown Awesome Group.
DDan
Wait, you want us to be the JAGs?
SSergei
[in Russian accent] This is name for unbearable loser, yes? A jag?
Foreign kid's right. I don't want to be a jag.
DDan
Also, why is there an old man in our super-cool group?
Every group has a life of the party, and that's Pops. I'm our badass leader, Sergei's the funny one. And, of course, we got our wild card, Naked Dan.
DDan
Naked Dan? This is weird. I'm out. [He leaves]
SSergei
Is decided. Naked Sergei!
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
