BBarry
How many years of experience do I have as a CPA? [scoffs] Let me answer that with a follow-up question. What is a CPA? [looking at the kid in the picture] This kid's head is weird. [putting his feet up on the desk] [sighs] Are you related?
I've got fresh rhymes and I gotta pay my bills
You've got a lot of grime and I got some cleaning skills
BBarry
Then I put the second piece of tape this way, and I'm a pig! [chuckles] [beat-boxing] Hire me.
BBarry
My perfect girl? Well, she should have big blue eyes and big blonde hair.
BBarry
She shouldn't be afraid to speak her mind, you know? I mean, she should have a sensitive side, but still be a hard-ass.
Oh! Sit up straight, honey.
BBarry
And I want her to take care of me. Cook, pick up my stuff, make me hot pockets. Mm. [mouth full] By the way, thank you for the hot pocket.
All right, and I'm on the case for my sweet, handsome, delicious boy. [She chuckles and kisses Barry]
You know, you just described mom.
BBarry
What? I didn't... Oh, my god! Mom! I meant a brunette who doesn't cook at all! And she's gotta be super shy and not related to me at all!
Mommy, I have a question. So, Lainey's going to ocean city over the weekend, and if you let me go, I will give you the best Snuggies of your life. [hugging her but not realizing it's Barry wearing a wig]
BBarry
Get off! Don't touch me!
God! You've got to stop wearing that wig. I keep thinking you're mom.
BBarry
What are you talking about? I look awesome.
Seriously, look at you. [showing Barry a compact mirror]
BBarry
Nope. Don't see it.
Say "I have failed as a mother."
BBarry
"I have failed as a mother." Adam, we're getting mohawks! [rushes off to him]
[Adam videotapes himself singing and dancing to "Faith" by George Michael. Adam soon bumps his arm on a bookshelf, causing it and everything on it to fall on him]
[checking to see what happened] [gasps] Snuggle monster! [runs really fast toward Adam]
[signing the cast on Adam's broken arm]: I can't believe you broke your arm dancing.
It was either that or when Mom jumped on me. I'm so psyched! This severe compound fracture is my ticket to popularity.
BBarry
Nerd's right. Everybody loves the kid in the cast.
Yeah, until everybody finds out how he broke it.
Why? What's wrong with a lonely boy in his room, videotaping himself shaking his groove thang to George Michael? Yeah, I hear it now.
Just come up with a good lie. Something cool.
[voiceover] It was January 7, 1980-something, and Erica was finding a new and exciting way to torture us.
Ha! Look, it's Barry's baby helmet.
BBarry
No! I thought we gave that back to the institute.
You were so cute with your little flat head. I used to rest my Kool-Aid on you.
BBarry
My head's perfectly round now.
[having found the photo] Oh, my gosh. It's a picture of you all helmeted up. This is gonna look great in the yearbook.
BBarry
No, please, show mercy.
[They laugh and Erica returns back]
BBarry
Come on in! We just invited over a few pals for a little video premiere party.
I like it when you said your hand was Jonathan and then you made out with it. [laughing]
Wait, you made fun of me for my Corey Feldman shrine, and all along, you were doing this?
Let's play it again, shall we?
Stop doing what you're doing and turn it off.
Turn it up? Yeah, you got it. [turning up the volume]
EOErica on TV
I love you! Barry, the attic! I love you so much!
[Barry pushes Erica out of the way and he and Adam run upstairs and she chases them]
[voiceover] My sister was furious she has lost all the power, but not half as mad as when she saw what we did to her room.
BBarry
Ho, ho! [noticing all the posters with Joey, Jonathan, Danny and Donald on each of them] Donald.
Why are you doing this to me?
We just wanted to make sure you had... "The right stuff."
Just take your stupid flat helmet head and get out of my room.
BBarry
Normally, that would send me into an emotional tailspin. But from now on, no matter what you say, you're just a borderline adult woman who likes lame boy bands.
No! You do not have the power. I have the power.
Oh, no. For years, our stupid life choices and physical awkwardness has given you ammo to humiliate us, but no more!
[Adam and Barry give each other a hi-five]
[voiceover] And just like that, Erica's childhood dreams became her adult nightmare.
[Erica knocks down the cut out]
Stylish? You're wearing Batman pajama bottoms.
It's Batman Under Armour!
Okay, everybody out. I need to use the... [sees Adam shaving] Oh, my God! Are you using my lady BIC?
I'm stimulating the follicles.
Ha! You suck. Barry, get the camera! Adam's being Adam!
What's with all the yelling? Oh, my joy! Is my baby trying to shave? [happy gasp]
I'm stimulating the follicles.
BBarry
I got the Polaroid. Say "peach fuzz." [takes a picture of Adam, much to the latter's embarrassment]
Haha! That's going on the holiday card. [laughing]
[Indistinct conversations]
Happy to report the dorks and dinks are afraid to talk to me again. All is right with the world.
BBarry
Well, now that you've been on the other side, maybe you'll have pity for them.
Get your stupid pink eye...in both eyes. And I was so upset I threw my hair dryer against the wall and broke it. Now I'm so stressed, I think I may be getting a little pimple. Am I?
There might be something coming in.
[sighs] I'm so sorry, Barry. I don't wanna be seen with me, I totally get it.
BBarry
I'm not gonna lie. I'm super into this.
BBarry
That's right, you do.
It was May 6, 1980-something. The school day was going off without a hitch all thanks to the watchful eye of Principal Earl Ball.
Let's go, youngsters. Activate those legs so we can activate those minds. Ooh, yes. That's definitely going into "Earl's pearls."
[Principal Ball hears something banging and clattering, so he opens the door to find Barry and Lainey kissing]
Aah! Oh. Hello there, sir. Um, there was a spill in science lab. [picking up the mop] And we needed a mop.
BBarry
We were kissing. She's pretty.
No, not a new one. It's photo day at school.
BBarry
You came to the right place.
No, get out! I don't want any of your terrible device.
BBarry
Dude, I'm a pimple bro. You got to pop that thing immediately.
Everyone says not to pop it.
BBarry
Look at this flawless skin. It's like baby Italian marble. Would you rather have a pizza face or a Barry face?
Fine. I'll just pop the thing.
BBarry
Oh, I gotta get this on film. [filming Adam] Come on. Let's get a close-up of that zit. Hey, why are you covering it? Don't feel so embarrassed. Let me see that zit. Come on. For memories.
BBarry
[coming home] Out of the way, nerd.
Hey, I was just looking through the mail. Actually, there's something here for you.
BBarry
"Master Barry Goldberg?" From C. Norris? Hollywood, California? Dude, Chuck Norris wrote me back! [opening the letter and reading the note] "Dear Barry, sorry it took me so long to write back, but thanks for the nice words and for being a fan. I have given a great deal of thought to what I'm about to tell you."
BBarry
Shut up! "Herein lies my most precious secret to being a true martial arts warrior. If you have a brother, obey him. He has a power you do not yet understand. Godspeed, douche-nozzle. Sincerely, Chuck Norris."
So, what's it say, douche-nozzle?
BBarry
It says I should kick your ass.
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, my mom was obsessed with Thanksgiving. When it came to her cooking, everything had to be perfect. She even made practice turkeys before the big day.
BBarry
[eating a piece of turkey] Mmm!
[voiceover] To my mom, it was a time for family. For my dad, it was a hassle.
Why do we got to schlep all the way here to go shopping when we got a perfectly good market a minute away from our house?
[voiceover] Well, I thought this time of year, a change of scenery would...
Oh, look! Murray, there's your father! What are the odds we'd run into him in a totally random grocery store?
You got a bag boy to tip you off, didn't you?
So, I have eyes everywhere. What? Does that make me some kind of villain?
Bevy, every year you ask me to invite that spiteful, miserable man to Thanksgiving. You got to give it up.
You're right. He's your father, and I have no right to... Hi! Ben, look! It's your son, Murray! You remember Murray.
BBen
My foot's still got that thing. And I need eye surgery.
So, any plans for the holiday, Ben?
BBen
Yeah, I got it right here. This compartment is the stuffing. That's the sweet potatoes. That gray circle, that's the turkey.
Come on, wouldn't a home-cooked meal be much better than that?
BBen
That depends. You know what happened the last time I ate your cooking.
That was right after we got married. That was ages ago.
BBen
Your turkey was drier than the sun. It was like eating the inside of a vacuum bag filled with pencil shavings. I did not enjoy the meal.
It was the first time I'd ever cooked Thanksgiving by myself. My kids were little. They were hanging all over me. I didn't even have a baster. I was baster-less!
BBen
No baster could fix your food crimes. Sorry, pal. You deserve better.
This is not over. You invite that callous, hurtful man to Thanksgiving right now!
See, I see why you're hocking me all the time to invite him. You just want to show my dad that you're a good cook.
The best cook. And family is important and stuff.
Well, it's not gonna happen. It's bad enough you invite my moron brother every year.
Oh, stop. Marvin's not that bad.
As Pops was trying to put an end to my mom's new traditions, I was trying to get back at Barry for ruining ours.
BBarry
Oh, I will do it. I've stuck my tongue to tons of different things.
You're stalling. Come on. I triple dog dare you.
There it was, the coup de grâce of all dares, the sinister triple dog dare. Barry had no choice but to accept.
BBarry
No fear. [Now he gets his tongue stuck on the ball pole and Adam laughs] It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck!
That's right. You ain't going nowhere, bro.
BBarry
I'm going to kill you!
You've been ignoring me all week, but no more! Looks like you'll be hanging out with your little brother, like it or not.
BBarry
Adam I'm sorry okay? I do want to spend time with you.
BBarry
Of course, I was dumb. We're brothers. Now let's go inside and play a game of ball ball.
BBarry
Original version! Now come over here and give Big Tasty a hug.
Aww. [coming closer to his brother and Barry puts his hands on his head] No! No!
BBarry
Vengeance is mine!
You putz! Now we're both stuck and nobody knows we're here!
BBarry
Huh. I did not think that through.
[They are now stuck on the ball pole and fighting each other]
[Barry shows Beverly a Christmas card]
BBarry
It's the eighth day of Hanukkah. Figure I'd save the best for last.
Well, I love it. But you know what present I'd really love? A snuggie from my biggest boy.
BBarry
Yeah, not gonna happen.
BBarry
Oh, God. Don't do this.
BBarry
You'll regret ever challenging me. [hugging Beverly] Take these snuggies. Take 'em. Barry wins at everything.
That's right, honey. You win.
BBarry
Barry wins at everything.
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, my brother and I never liked the same music. That is, until we heard a group that would change our lives forever.
BBarry
[singing] Well, I'm Mike D and I'm back from the dead Chilling at the beach down at club med
[voiceover] The Beastie Boys. To us, they weren't just a rap group. They were a way of life. We copied their videos and memorized every single lyric. Simply put, they were a game-changer.
I'm telling you, dude, if Mike D met us, he would be like, "We should be best friends."
BBarry
For sure! We're practically related. They rap, they party hard, and they're in the tribe.
All three of them! What are the chances?
BBarry
Wait a minute. Do you realize what this means? If the Beasties can make it, so can we. Answer me this. Do we not have a license to ill? [He shows Adam a license to ill]
Dude, you spelled "license" wrong.
BBarry
Don't pass this offer up, Ad-Rock. I think you have what it takes to join my Beastie Boys inspired supergroup, The Tasty Boys.
Could we give it five more minutes on the name?
BBarry
No! The name has stuck.
You'd really let me into your rap supergroup?
BBarry
Of course. Your weird voice sounds like you have a young man and an old woman stuck in your body, so I'll clearly be the breakout star.
[They put their glasses on]
Who's ill? Oh, my God, get to bed. No one's going to school today.
BBarry
Ba-ba-ba! We're both ill and sick.
I guess the only thing I can do is wait on you hand and foot in front of the TV. Come on. Yeah.
BBarry
Being a reap star is awesome!
[Beverly tucks Barry in with a blanket]
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
