Beverly quotes from The Goldbergs

Beverly

Adam's never forgiving me, but you can still patch things up with Barry. Just hire him back.

Beverly

Holy [BLEEP]! I love that idea! I hate drugs so [BLEEP] much! Adam used to be a good boy, and now he's a real [BLEEP]. [bleeping in every scene] Yeah!

[Gasps] Ah! Oh, Mom, you gotta stop watching me sleep.

Beverly

Well, if you'd let me stare at you during the daytime, we wouldn't have to do this little dance.

[voiceover] Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Mom? I have a tummyache.

Beverly

Oh, sweetie. Do you need to make?

No! But... can I sleep here tonight?

Beverly

Yeah, sure.

I had given in. For one night, my Mom had gotten the snuggles she so desperately craved.

My perfect girl? Well, she should have big blue eyes and big blonde hair.

Beverly

Mmm, she sounds fun.

She shouldn't be afraid to speak her mind, you know? I mean, she should have a sensitive side, but still be a hard-ass.

Beverly

Oh! Sit up straight, honey.

And I want her to take care of me. Cook, pick up my stuff, make me hot pockets. Mm. [mouth full] By the way, thank you for the hot pocket.

Beverly

All right, and I'm on the case for my sweet, handsome, delicious boy. [She chuckles and kisses Barry]

Erica

You know, you just described mom.

What? I didn't... Oh, my god! Mom! I meant a brunette who doesn't cook at all! And she's gotta be super shy and not related to me at all!

Hi. Can Adam play?

Beverly

[yelling from the bottom of the staircase] ADAM! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!

Beverly

[checking to see what happened] [gasps] Snuggle monster! [runs really fast toward Adam]

Erica

[signing the cast on Adam's broken arm]: I can't believe you broke your arm dancing.

It was either that or when Mom jumped on me. I'm so psyched! This severe compound fracture is my ticket to popularity.

Nerd's right. Everybody loves the kid in the cast.

Erica

Yeah, until everybody finds out how he broke it.

Why? What's wrong with a lonely boy in his room, videotaping himself shaking his groove thang to George Michael? Yeah, I hear it now.

Erica

Just come up with a good lie. Something cool.

Murray

Stylish? You're wearing Batman pajama bottoms.

It's Batman Under Armour!

Erica

Okay, everybody out. I need to use the... [sees Adam shaving] Oh, my God! Are you using my lady BIC?

I'm stimulating the follicles.

Erica

Ha! You suck. Barry, get the camera! Adam's being Adam!

Beverly

What's with all the yelling? Oh, my joy! Is my baby trying to shave? [happy gasp]

I'm stimulating the follicles.

I got the Polaroid. Say "peach fuzz." [takes a picture of Adam, much to the latter's embarrassment]

No!

Beverly

Haha! That's going on the holiday card. [laughing]

[voiceover] Back in the '80s, they combined the two greatest things in the world... music and television. We all remember our favorite veejays introducing the coolest videos on a constant loop. The budgets were as high as the air, and the animation ranged from dancing cats to hunky cartoon boyfriends. And no one was more addicted to it than me and my sister.

Erica

I can't decide whether that guy's hotter as a human or a cartoon.

If Jessica Rabbit taught us anything...cartoon.

Erica

I mean, what did we even do before MTV existed?

I think we just listened to music like animals.

Hey!

Erica

Get out!

Beverly

You've been watching this music MTV television for six hours. Enough is enough. Go do your homework.

Erica

Well, if you think about it, I'm gonna be a musician, so this is my homework.

And if you really think about it, my life's passion is making films, so this is my homework, too.

Beverly

Well, my passion is snuggies, which I'm gonna shower you with if you don't leave right now. Go before I kiss your belly. [smooching] And you... have you even looked at the college catalogs I brought you?

Erica

Actually, I have, and I've narrowed it down to my top choices.

Beverly

[laughing] Oh, yes! It's happening! You're growing up. Oh, no. It's happening. I'm not ready for this. Make time stop. Make it stop!

Erica

Focus! Okay, one option is the London Conservatory of Music.

Beverly

Ocean between us... pass.

Erica

There's also an awesome music program at UCLA.

Beverly

Country between us... pass.

Erica

Boston School of Music.

Beverly

A Connecticut between us... pass.

Erica

Mom.

Beverly

What about something here in town, like the prestigious Jenkintown Funk Academy?

Erica

That's the dance studio/karate dojo next to the Mattress Store.

Beverly

[sighs] There's got to be something within driving distance.

Erica

Well, I guess Juilliard is in New York. That's my dream school, but no one gets in.

Beverly

[gasps] We're going to Juilliard.

Erica

Okay, stop. That's the best school in the country.

Beverly

Best for you, closest for me. I am gonna make this happen.

Erica

I'm not getting in.

Beverly

We're going to Juilliard.

Erica

It's impossible.

Beverly

We're going to Juilliard!

[voiceover] Back in the '80s, my mom was obsessed with Thanksgiving. When it came to her cooking, everything had to be perfect. She even made practice turkeys before the big day.

[eating a piece of turkey] Mmm!

Beverly

I need feedback.

That's good!

Beverly

But not great.

What?

Beverly

I'm going again.

[voiceover] To my mom, it was a time for family. For my dad, it was a hassle.

Murray

Why do we got to schlep all the way here to go shopping when we got a perfectly good market a minute away from our house?

[voiceover] Well, I thought this time of year, a change of scenery would...

Beverly

Oh, look! Murray, there's your father! What are the odds we'd run into him in a totally random grocery store?

Murray

You got a bag boy to tip you off, didn't you?

Beverly

So, I have eyes everywhere. What? Does that make me some kind of villain?

Murray

Bevy, every year you ask me to invite that spiteful, miserable man to Thanksgiving. You got to give it up.

Beverly

You're right. He's your father, and I have no right to... Hi! Ben, look! It's your son, Murray! You remember Murray.

Murray

Hi, Dad. How you doing?

My foot's still got that thing. And I need eye surgery.

Murray

Yeah, good stuff.

Beverly

So, any plans for the holiday, Ben?

Yeah, I got it right here. This compartment is the stuffing. That's the sweet potatoes. That gray circle, that's the turkey.

Beverly

Come on, wouldn't a home-cooked meal be much better than that?

That depends. You know what happened the last time I ate your cooking.

Beverly

That was right after we got married. That was ages ago.

Your turkey was drier than the sun. It was like eating the inside of a vacuum bag filled with pencil shavings. I did not enjoy the meal.

Murray

You? No.

Beverly

It was the first time I'd ever cooked Thanksgiving by myself. My kids were little. They were hanging all over me. I didn't even have a baster. I was baster-less!

No baster could fix your food crimes. Sorry, pal. You deserve better.

Murray

Nice seeing you, Dad.

Eh, it was okay.

Beverly

This is not over. You invite that callous, hurtful man to Thanksgiving right now!

Murray

See, I see why you're hocking me all the time to invite him. You just want to show my dad that you're a good cook.

Beverly

The best cook. And family is important and stuff.

Murray

Well, it's not gonna happen. It's bad enough you invite my moron brother every year.

Beverly

Oh, stop. Marvin's not that bad.

Beverly

Aw, a card. Thank you.

It's the eighth day of Hanukkah. Figure I'd save the best for last.

Beverly

Well, I love it. But you know what present I'd really love? A snuggie from my biggest boy.

Yeah, not gonna happen.

Beverly

Not even if I dare you?

Oh, God. Don't do this.

Beverly

Triple dog dare.

You'll regret ever challenging me. [hugging Beverly] Take these snuggies. Take 'em. Barry wins at everything.

Beverly

That's right, honey. You win.

Barry wins at everything.

[voiceover] Back in the '80s, my brother and I never liked the same music. That is, until we heard a group that would change our lives forever.

[singing] Well, I'm Mike D and I'm back from the dead Chilling at the beach down at club med

[voiceover] The Beastie Boys. To us, they weren't just a rap group. They were a way of life. We copied their videos and memorized every single lyric. Simply put, they were a game-changer.

I'm telling you, dude, if Mike D met us, he would be like, "We should be best friends."

For sure! We're practically related. They rap, they party hard, and they're in the tribe.

All three of them! What are the chances?

Wait a minute. Do you realize what this means? If the Beasties can make it, so can we. Answer me this. Do we not have a license to ill? [He shows Adam a license to ill]

Dude, you spelled "license" wrong.

Don't pass this offer up, Ad-Rock. I think you have what it takes to join my Beastie Boys inspired supergroup, The Tasty Boys.

Could we give it five more minutes on the name?

No! The name has stuck.

You'd really let me into your rap supergroup?

Of course. Your weird voice sounds like you have a young man and an old woman stuck in your body, so I'll clearly be the breakout star.

I accept!

Ill.

We are so ill.

Beverly

Who's ill? Oh, my God, get to bed. No one's going to school today.

But...

Ba-ba-ba! We're both ill and sick.

Beverly

I guess the only thing I can do is wait on you hand and foot in front of the TV. Come on. Yeah.

Being a reap star is awesome!

[voiceover] It was January 6, 1980-something. The fateful day my mom first laid eyes on our neighbors' new kitchen.

Ta-da!

[voiceover] Everything was brand-new. It was an '80s architectural masterpiece of Formica in every shade of brown.

Beverly

Is that a lazy Susan?

It is!

Beverly

Is that almond-colored? It's beautiful. Like dirty snow. This linoleum, it looks like real tile. Oh, it spins around! Look! The cinnamon was in the back, and now it's in the front!

And the best part, Charles did the whole thing himself, and it cost half the price.

Beverly

Get out.

I swear.

Beverly

No, get out of my way. Move your body. I must speak to Murray now.

Wha...

Beverly

We're getting a new kitchen.

Murray

What's wrong with the old kitchen?

Beverly

You just said it. It's old. It doesn't have what I need in the kitchen. Hello, Bill.

Murray

All you need in the kitchen is food and forks. And maybe a cup or two.

Bill

Also, you'd be surprised how often you use a juicer.

Murray

Then it's settled. We're gonna get a juicer. Damn it, Bevy, you win again.

Beverly

I mean it. We need to renovate. This thing should be in a museum. A museum of ugly refrigerators. Blech! And look at this floor. No, don't. It'll give you a seizure. And what about these lazy-Susan-less cabinets? I've got to move the other spices out of the way like a wild animal. Like, "Oh, here's the tarragon." Oh. [But she accidentally clatters the pots on the floor] And now I'm stressed out.

Bill

She did make a mess.

Murray

Bevy, I'd love to give you a new kitchen, but it would cost a fortune. And the materials alone...

Bill

I'm a tile man. I'll hook you up for free.

Murray

Yeah, but the labor.

Bill

I'll install it myself.

Murray

Bill, read the room.

Beverly

I see what this is about. You don't want this 'cause you're afraid of change.

Murray

[scoffs] What are you talking about?

Beverly

You're a creature of habit. For the last 10 years, you've had the same job, same car, same clothes.

Murray

Just because I like things the certain way doesn't mean I'm a creature of habit.

Beverly

Then how do you explain this?

[voiceover] Back in the '80s, Coca-Cola announced new coke, which sent their old-school customers into a tailspin.

Beverly

The second you find out that coke is changing their recipe, you start to stockpile. What kind of person is afraid of new coke? It's nuts.

Murray

I'm not afraid. I just like the old-timey original kind.

Beverly

Okay, see? You're just proving my point.

Murray

Bevy, I try new stuff. Like that big pink orange I ate that one time.

Beverly

The grapefruit?

Murray

Yeah. Never again. The point is, I love change.

Beverly

Well, there's gonna be some big changes around here. Big changes!

[voiceover] As my universe was crumbling, my mom saw a world where she finally got a photo in the paper with her kids.

Beverly

Yo, yo, yo, volunteers. Who's ready to get this homeless party started?

Mom, what are you doing here?

Beverly

You're looking at the new regional captain for Hands Across America.

Erica

What happened to Coach Mellor?

Beverly

He cracked under the pressure. But don't worry, Mama's here. I know how important this is for you.

Erica

Yeah, I'm out.

Me, too. Shut it down, people.

Beverly

Whoa, hold up. Now that I'm involved, you're just gonna bail?

Nothing personal. You just make fun things suck.

Beverly

Well, that... That is a shame because this lady right here just got Scott Baio to ditch Philly and come to J-town.

Johnny

Dude, we got Fonzie's cousin.

Erica

No, everyone stop. Mom, did you really get Scott Baio?

Beverly

I literally just got off the phone with Scotty B. He told me to call him "Scotty B." And he agreed to come here and hold hands with me.

Erica

I call the one available hand.

No way! The hand is mine!

Erica

Okay, this is my future husband. Why do you care?

'Cause he's my future best bro. And once Scott meets me, he'll ditch Willie Aames and fly me to Hollywood so I never have to talk to you people again.

Ugh. I don't understand how we all got the flu.

Beverly

I told you... With all that hand-holding, you'd catch a bug.

Erica

Will you stop saying that? It's not even how it works.

Beverly

Ooh, sounds like we may have a special visitor.

Erica

Wait, did Scott Baio's people finally get back to you?

Beverly

No, but, uh, I still have Ben Franklin rented for an hour.

Good morrow, sick children. As I so famously said in 1780-something, an apple a day keeps the doctor...

No!

Erica

Not again.

I hate this president.