[They laugh and Erica returns back]
Come on in! We just invited over a few pals for a little video premiere party.
I like it when you said your hand was Jonathan and then you made out with it. [laughing]
LaineyWait, you made fun of me for my Corey Feldman shrine, and all along, you were doing this?
Let's play it again, shall we?
Stop doing what you're doing and turn it off.
Turn it up? Yeah, you got it. [turning up the volume]
EOErica on TV
I love you! Barry, the attic! I love you so much!
[Barry pushes Erica out of the way and he and Adam run upstairs and she chases them]
[voiceover] My sister was furious she has lost all the power, but not half as mad as when she saw what we did to her room.
Ho, ho! [noticing all the posters with Joey, Jonathan, Danny and Donald on each of them] Donald.
Why are you doing this to me?
We just wanted to make sure you had... "The right stuff."
Just take your stupid flat helmet head and get out of my room.
Normally, that would send me into an emotional tailspin. But from now on, no matter what you say, you're just a borderline adult woman who likes lame boy bands.
No! You do not have the power. I have the power.
Oh, no. For years, our stupid life choices and physical awkwardness has given you ammo to humiliate us, but no more!
[Adam and Barry give each other a hi-five]
[voiceover] And just like that, Erica's childhood dreams became her adult nightmare.
[Erica knocks down the cut out]
[Indistinct conversations]
Happy to report the dorks and dinks are afraid to talk to me again. All is right with the world.
Well, now that you've been on the other side, maybe you'll have pity for them.
Lainey
What's up, gang?
Lainey
Get your stupid pink eye...in both eyes. And I was so upset I threw my hair dryer against the wall and broke it. Now I'm so stressed, I think I may be getting a little pimple. Am I?
There might be something coming in.
Lainey
[sighs] I'm so sorry, Barry. I don't wanna be seen with me, I totally get it.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm super into this.
Lainey
I love dating a weirdo.
It was May 6, 1980-something. The school day was going off without a hitch all thanks to the watchful eye of Principal Earl Ball.
Let's go, youngsters. Activate those legs so we can activate those minds. Ooh, yes. That's definitely going into "Earl's pearls."
[Principal Ball hears something banging and clattering, so he opens the door to find Barry and Lainey kissing]
Lainey
Aah! Oh. Hello there, sir. Um, there was a spill in science lab. [picking up the mop] And we needed a mop.
We were kissing. She's pretty.
This is a nightmare! And you're to blame.
True. And it's going to be the first school dance ever worth going to.
No. When will this "dirty dancing" oppression end?! When will everybody cut loose, footloose, lick off your sundae spoons?!
Lainey
Sweetie, I keep telling you, the song is not about ice cream.
You don't know! No one does!
[sitting next to Erica] Hey, pretty pretty. Guess you're gonna be looking for a partner to practice those sensual moves with.
And it's not going to be you.
Come on, I know every single move that swayze does in that movie.
R"Naked" Rob
Ah, good for you.
Actually, I've never seen it, but I will now, and I will dedicate my life to becoming your own personal swayze.
You go full swayze, maybe I'll let you dance near me.
Proximity dance! It's a deal!
Yeah. No deal. [He comes and rips it apart]
There is no way "dirty dancing" will ever be a theme at a school-sanctioned dance.
It's literally got "dirty" in the title, not to mention it's wildly inappropriate.
[voiceover] It was March 16, 1980-something, and my brother went to pick up his girlfriend, Lainey. One problem, he had to get by her dad first.
[Bill lets Barry in]
Lainey! The screamy kid with the crazy eyebrows is here.
Special night. It's our 10-month anniversary.
Anniversaries are for years, not months, so you're celebrating nothing. Let me see your wallet.
$6? Where do you plan to take her tonight? A vending machine at a bus station?
Oh, it's fine. She usually pays. [chuckles]
Lainey
Hey, Bar.
[Rock music plays as Lainey comes downstairs to see Barry]
Nope! Absolutely not! [Music stops] Shutting it down. [clears throat]
If that jacket hits the floor tonight, so do you. Okay, kids, have a great time.
[voiceover] Even though Barry had won the love of his life, it was becoming clear he had not won over her dad.
[voiceover] As I was in way over my head, Barry was trying to make some headway with Bill.
[getting out of his car; laughing] There he is.
It's happening. He's changed his mind about me.
Anthony Balsamo, you old son of a gun. [hugging Anthony Balsamo] Where you been? Why don't you come around anymore?
AAnthony
'Cause your beautiful daughter broke up with me.
Ah, women. Who can understand them?
AAnthony
Hey, when am I gonna see you out on the links again?
My buddy and I have a tee time this weekend. You should caddy for me. Keep this duffer on the green. Look out! [laughs]
Lainey
I hate it when my dad talks golf with my ex. They used to do it all the time when we dated.
Your dad like him while you two were dating? I thought he hated me 'cause I'm your boyfriend.
Lainey
Oh, sweetie, no. My dad hates you as, like, a person. You being my boyfriend is just a happy coincidence.
Well, don't worry. I know a man who's got the inside track on your dad, and he'll be more than happy to help me.
There he is. You old son of a gun.
Yeah. [to Lainey] Hey, sweetie. Can I have a minute with my caddy?
Lainey
Be nice. [She just moves herself out of the way so Bill can sit next to him]
Listen. I know I've been hard on you, but there's a reason.
'Cause I'm not awesome like Anthony Balsamo?
[scoffs] No. To tell the truth, I knew those other guys were just a flash in the pan. But what you two have, it's the real deal.
Yeah. It's...scary. I guess I'm not just ready to lose my little girl. But I'm gonna try to be better about it.
[Barry agrees with Bill as Lainey turns back to Barry]
[voiceover] Inspired by the girl they both loved, Bill decided to start a new chapter with Barry. [Barry laughs] As for me, I closed the book on my life of crime.
Not so fun getting grounded for a month, huh?
Honestly, it's a relief. I was on a dark road. Farewell, Garth Vader Stein. Nice knowing you.
Don't talk to him, Erica. He's grounded. You know, you could learn a thing or two from your big sister.
[voiceover] And my mom finally turned a new page with Erica.
Made you a banana split. [to Adam] You get nothing. [She leaves]#
Hey, jailbird. Want to split this?
[voiceover] Growing up, we're all seen a certain way.
[Barry takes the last shot with the putter and he's finally puts the ball in the hole]
Yes! Mark it down. Octuple-bogey! Whoo!
[voiceover] But the people you love always see you for who you really are.
[voiceover] And that's something worth celebrating.
[The scene cuts to the word "Dedicated to my awesome tape collection"]
This is my tapes, my other tapes.
[Then the word appears saying "Cost: 1 Penny" with an arrow pointing at the tape; then "Addressed to: Kermit D. Fonz also appears below]
[sighs] Being a vegetarian sucked. Honestly, I was just looking for something to distract me from thinking about Geoff all the time.
Hey, Geoff! Look, it's Geoff!
I thought Barry was messing with me when he said K.I.T.T. was here. Knight Rider is my favorite show!
Mine too! I love the knights and horses and swords.
Lainey
Maybe don't talk until you've seen it.
We should take her for a spin together! Uh, maybe grab a burger, just me and you?
Oh, my God, yes! We can swing by Evy's house and pick her up! She's gonna flip!
Lainey
That's not how you wanted it to work, huh?
Yeah, really not my week.
K.I.T.T., pick up girlfriend. [laughs]
[voiceover] As Erica's plans for senior year were crumbling, my year was shaping up to be epic.
Dude. Ms. Cinoman just posted the cast list. I'm The Phantom! The lead. Was there any doubt?
No one likes a diva, Dave Kim. Oh, did you see what I got?
A lifetime of pain. Give it up now or be a loser forever.
Lainey
[excited] Oh, my God! I got Christine!
Whoa, whoa. Hold up! Since when do you do the school musical?
Lainey
Since it became Phantom of the Opera.
But I thought we shared the same beliefs and core values, mainly that theater was super lame.
Lainey
It is, except Phantom being the one exception because it's romantic and full of candelabras. [to Adam] And guess what? You're Raoul.
Wait, are you sure it's not the other Adam Goldberg? He's an actor, too.
Lainey
There's an "F." It's Adam F!
My first big part! Suck it, other Adam Goldberg! Don't tell him I said that. I fear him. But yes!
Lainey
Yeah, we're like the power couple of the show.
Lainey
It's acting. Don't make this weird. [to Adam] Yay, Phantom! [squeals lightly]
[Adam and Lainey leave just as JTP turn up]
[sighs] She was supposed to come over and watch me provoke those hornets! Can you believe this?
It's Andrew Lloyd Webber's opus.
What are you talking about?
Haven't you heard the original West End cast recording? Dude.
The Phantom loved Christine so much, he let her go.
Andy: You know, if I were you, I'd be worried about a showmance.
R"Naked" Rob
Oh, for sure.
R"Naked" Rob
It's when people play lovers onstage, and it leads to chemistry offstage, too.
How do you guys know so much about theater?
We saw the musical Hair. We went for the nudity, but stayed for the rich musical tapestry.
You guys are nuts! My super foxy girlfriend and theater dork brother? Yeah, not sweating it.
R"Naked" Rob
Strange 'cause your t-shirt is quite wet.
Yeah you're literally sweating it.
You are! Anyhow, I'm gonna go charge my shirt and pop by rehearsal for the fun of it. [He runs off]
Yeah, it's like a gland issue.
Lainey
Babe, it really was the perfect night. Thanks so much for not going overboard. It really means the world to me.
Of course. I got to feed the meter. Be right back.
[Barry comes to see that man]
Change of plans! You need to get these giant horses out of here.
OKOnna Kone
Where's my 80 bucks, bro?
Lainey
Couldn't resist, huh?
Wha... These aren't my alley horses. [to Onna] Yah! Get out!
Lainey
Let's ride the horses, Barry.
Awesome! I get the one with the pretty hair.
Okay, everyone, welcome to "The Day After" emergency assembly. First of all, I just want to assure you that everything is gonna be okay.
CMCoach Mellor
It will not be okay! There's nowhere to hid in a nuclear winter!
Whoa. [chuckles] What Coach means is that there could be a nuclear winter, but it definitely won't happen. Till it does. Does not, because it was just a movie.
CMCoach Mellor
That will, for sure, come true.
Look, I know a lot of you are scared that the President is gonna snap, push a button, and incinerate us all, but I assure you, it will not happen.
CMCoach Mellor
When it does, I'll be safe and snug in my fallout shelter while the rest of you mutants scrounge for cockroaches.
[Mr Glascott looks confused]
CMCoach Mellor
What, you got no argument for that one?
No, you're right. That movie has shaken me to my core. I have so many regrets.
CMCoach Mellor
You got about a week to fix 'em, Andre.
Well, let's start with that one right there. My name is not Andre. I only said it was in college to make myself seem more interesting to the ladies.
CMCoach Mellor
Let it out!
My name is Jonathan! And I love you, Lunch Lady Bernice! Are you out there?
[The students look at each other]
You're probably mashing potatoes. Oh, boy. Okay, this day is a wash.
CMCoach Mellor
Everybody go home and hug your loved ones.
[They cheer and applause]
I know I should be happy to have the day off, but I'm, like, genuinely terrified.
Lainey
Me too. I feel so helpless. I never even got to party in Daytona.
[Adam returns back home and sees Barry]
Hey, Ad-Rock! Good news. I wrote another verse to help you get back with Jackie.
Dude, everything's fine with us now. Please don't sing for me.
Just let it happen, or he'll never leave you alone.
[singing] Dear Jackie, I love you like no other But you know who's really awesome? Barry, my brother Black belt in karate, girls think he's a hottie It's like how much can you fit in one body? He's a god on Earth, an academic wiz To be Barry is divine, my words, not his I wish I could do what Big Tasty can But I'm only Adam, forever your man
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
Girls, I must confess
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
Barry really is the best
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
To know him, we are blessed
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
He's a man, he's a man, he's a man
Barry is the man
I wrote that song for you, girl. Copyright Big Tasty Records. [drops the microphone and the microphone feedback]
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, the biggest night for any bride, besides the wedding, was the bachelorette party. Lashes were curled, hair was crimped, sashes were sashed... All to make it a night that the bride-to-be would never forget.
Lainey
Guys, it's so sweet you went to all this trouble for me.
Really? 'Cause you said if we didn't, you'd "never forgive us."
VEValley Erica
And then you said, "If you're going to go to the trouble, do everything I say."
Lainey
Still, so sweet.
We totally went all-out. I even packed us a naughty bag of bachelorette nastiness. [She shows Erica and Lainey her purple bag] Check it out, girlfriend.
[Taking the purple bag from Lainey] Oh, n-n-n-never!
Lainey
Bar, you need to chill. All we're doing is going for a little fondue and a lot of karaoke.
Where there's music, there's dancing. Will there be dancing in a group setting? Someone tell me.
VEValley Erica
What's happening?
As bridesmaids, you are totally obligated to form a protective dance wall around the bride-to-be.
I thought our job was to, like, catch the bouquet and hook up with a random hot cousin.
Wrong! Now, everyone fall into anti-grinding formation. Let's practice. Hey, I'm a local townie looking for a good grind. Uh-oh. They're playing "Safety Dance." But this is not safe.
Lainey
Honestly, it's going to be fine.
Then you leave me no choice. Attention! I shall throw my own wild bachelor party.
Lainey
Cool.
Lainey
I trust you.
You should. You're never gonna do better anyway.
Agreed. Time to go tell my best man to plan a gnarly bachelor party and also pick my best man. [He goes downstairs to see Adam] Adam, it's recently come to my attention that I need a best man, and I've made my choice.
Naked Rob, right? He's the heart and soul of the JTP.
No, dummy. It's you, 'cause you're my brother and you mean that stupid world to me.
Stop. Don't make this all weird and tearful.
I-I just can't help it. It's just such a wonderful moment for us.
No! Don't you dare feel deep emotion, 'cause then I'll feel it, too!
I just... I have a brother who loves me so much.
It's true. We gotta do man stuff fast. We can battle on my official "Over the Top" arm-wrestling table. I'm gonna break all the little bones in your little bird hand.
Do it. Right now. Be Stallone. Go over the top and pin my arm.
Oh, no! Now we're just holding hands and staring into each other's teary eyes.
Your fingers are so gently entangled in mine.
It's like you're my missing puzzle piece!
I don't know where I stop and where you begin!
No! If you cry tears of love, then I'll cry tears of love.
Oh, no! I hear crying. I've got my first-aid kit. What's wrong?
Barry asked me to be his best man!
I need to hug you both as tight as I can right now.
[They tearfully give each other a hug]
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
