[Erica puts her folder in the locker when the saxophone plays]
Yo, looking forward to Saturday night.
So I'll pick up Carla first, be at your place around 7:00, cool?
Cool. [chuckles] Wait, what?
Yeah, I'm also giving her a ride to the dance. And she can hang out with us. And dance with us.
Are you taking both of us to the dance?
Classic Johnny Atkins, am I right? How could you not see this coming?
Because I have no idea who you are, other than an oddly confident band geek.
Shows what you know. Band geek in the front, rock God in the back.
Are you seriously okay with this?
CarlaNo, but I really feel like I can fix him.
But she can't, so what do you say?
What do you think she says? Hit the bricks, bro.
Dude, I will punch you in the eyeball.
Erica, help me. He's serious.
[sighs] You know what, Johnny? That's a firm "no" to your creepy offer.
Your loss. Hey, Debbie Gordon, you got a date to homecoming yet? [He walks along with Carla and plays saxophone]
Oh, man, that was so sweet of me, huh? So if it's looking like you're free Saturday night, then...
I'm not going to the dance, Geoff. Not with anybody. [She walks off]
[voiceover] Tired of being labeled the troublemaker, my sister decided to live up to her name.
Wow, yeah, okay. Let's do this. Let's shoplift.
Carla
Trust me... It's super fun and easy. And also the only thing that really makes me feel alive. Ooh! Fanny packs.
I mean, how much worse is shoplifting than scamming Columbia house anyway? Getting 12 tapes for a penny is like the same thing as shoplifting.
Carla
[whispering] Just a tip... Maybe don't say "shoplifting" so much while you're shoplifting.
Right, gotcha. 'Cause we're not shoplifting, which is, by the way, totally a victimless crime.
Carla
I'm hearing a lot of justifying and not a lot of stealing. [opening her jacket showing the stuff] Catch up, girl.
MMailman
Hey, I got a package for Lucky Goldberg. Gonna need your signature.
MMailman
Then I don't know what to do. [Beverly seems to slam the door] Please don't slam the door.
The nerve of that Erica. First she frames her brother, and then she ropes in our sweet little puppy. You're not cut out for a life of crime. You're just a cockapoo.
I mean, it's like that girl doesn't ever hear a word to say.
She's my daughter. How come she refuses to listen to me?
My God, woman. I ordered the damn tapes. I saw Adam do it, and I wanted in.
[voiceover] With that, my mom finally realized she did blame Erica for everything, even when she was clearly innocent.
Uh, Mom? It's for you. Erica's in mall jail.
[voiceover] And two seconds later, Erica was back to being guilty.
Carla
I stole something else, but you're never gonna find it.
DFDoug Fell
Your friend's weird.
[Beverly comes in to see what happened]
[sighs] There you are. Classic Erica. You know, I actually started to think maybe I'd been too hard on you, and then you go and shoplift? And the worst thing is I'm not even surprised.
DFDoug Fell
Actually, your daughter didn't do anything wrong. I was just having her stick around because this one is freaking me out.
Carla
It's true. Erica tried to talk me out of it, and I didn't listen. Oh, God, my stomach's in knots. Can I use the bathroom?
[voiceover] Accusing Erica yet again didn't help matters. Luckily, my mom had a way with words.
So... Honest mistake, you know? Pedicures, my treat?
You know, you made me feel like such a bad person that I actually thought about stealing.
I don't want to hear you're sorry ever again. No matter what I do, you're always gonna expect the worst from me. You have no idea how hard that is coming from you. No idea. [She walks away]
Carla
[Off-screen] You'll never catch me, mall hog! I feel so alive!
[Beverly watches Carla run by as Doug Fell follows her]
[Adam in Duckie from Pretty in Pink comes to see his friends]
TTaz
Whoa. What's with the bolo tie?
I've come to terms that I'm the lovable nerd, like Duckie from Pretty in Pink. And I've decided to embrace it. Wait. Why are you guys wearing hats, too?
TTaz
'Cause I want the cool kids to think I'm a rugged adventurer, like Indiana Jones.
And I'm hoping this Devo hat lands me a spot in the New Wave crowd.
Gentlemen, high school's gonna rock.
Carla
You're all wearing hats like idiots! That's your thing!
Later, hat heads. [chuckles]
High school's gonna suck.
[voiceover] As Erica did my dad's dirty work, me and my new pals were having some good, clean fun.
MCMike C. Levy
And that, my friend, is how you use Basic to program a real-body booby.
[pulling the plug out causing the computer to switch off] Scram! Me and this lady are gonna study for health class, with our faces.
MCMike C. Levy
No way! We're allowed to be here at lunch. Mr. Glascott says.
You're a ballsy, little nerd, aren't you? Tell you what, I'm gonna let it slide, but only because there's a broom closet for us right down the hall. Later, nerd losers.
Carla
Look at them with their nerd thermoses. Like they're nerd construction workers. [She and Johnny laugh]
[They leave the computer room but are stopped by Beverly]
Excuse me. What did you just say about those nerd losers?
Carla
Uh, that they should drink out of their nerd thermoses?
[The scene cuts to Principal Glascott's office]
So, what kind of punishment are we talking about here? Suspension, expulsion, solitary confinement? Do we do that? 'Cause that's what I want.
Yeah. You two can go back to class, and try not to be so accurate with your nerd results next time. [Carla and Johnny are heading back to class] Oh, and stay out of that broom closet. Yeah, that's right. Old Glascott knows what's up!
Why did you let them go? They called my schmoo a nerd.
That's not on them. That's more on your schmoo for being one.
Hey, only I get to call my schmoo a schmoo.
The point is, Adam and his gang of computer dorks don't even eat in the lunchroom. That means they're not even on the social ladder. You've got to do something about this. If you don't help Adam, then you have failed as a mother.
But that is my greatest nightmare. You gotta help me. Please. I told him I'd respect his boundaries. Guide me. It's what you're so good at.
I know you're playing me for a fool, but this fool has low-grade depression. So... I'll bite.
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, the biggest night for any bride, besides the wedding, was the bachelorette party. Lashes were curled, hair was crimped, sashes were sashed... All to make it a night that the bride-to-be would never forget.
Guys, it's so sweet you went to all this trouble for me.
Really? 'Cause you said if we didn't, you'd "never forgive us."
VEValley Erica
And then you said, "If you're going to go to the trouble, do everything I say."
Carla
We totally went all-out. I even packed us a naughty bag of bachelorette nastiness. [She shows Erica and Lainey her purple bag] Check it out, girlfriend.
[Taking the purple bag from Lainey] Oh, n-n-n-never!
Bar, you need to chill. All we're doing is going for a little fondue and a lot of karaoke.
Where there's music, there's dancing. Will there be dancing in a group setting? Someone tell me.
VEValley Erica
What's happening?
As bridesmaids, you are totally obligated to form a protective dance wall around the bride-to-be.
Carla
I thought our job was to, like, catch the bouquet and hook up with a random hot cousin.
Wrong! Now, everyone fall into anti-grinding formation. Let's practice. Hey, I'm a local townie looking for a good grind. Uh-oh. They're playing "Safety Dance." But this is not safe.
Honestly, it's going to be fine.
Then you leave me no choice. Attention! I shall throw my own wild bachelor party.
You should. You're never gonna do better anyway.
Agreed. Time to go tell my best man to plan a gnarly bachelor party and also pick my best man. [He goes downstairs to see Adam] Adam, it's recently come to my attention that I need a best man, and I've made my choice.
Naked Rob, right? He's the heart and soul of the JTP.
No, dummy. It's you, 'cause you're my brother and you mean that stupid world to me.
Stop. Don't make this all weird and tearful.
I-I just can't help it. It's just such a wonderful moment for us.
No! Don't you dare feel deep emotion, 'cause then I'll feel it, too!
I just... I have a brother who loves me so much.
It's true. We gotta do man stuff fast. We can battle on my official "Over the Top" arm-wrestling table. I'm gonna break all the little bones in your little bird hand.
Do it. Right now. Be Stallone. Go over the top and pin my arm.
Oh, no! Now we're just holding hands and staring into each other's teary eyes.
Your fingers are so gently entangled in mine.
It's like you're my missing puzzle piece!
I don't know where I stop and where you begin!
No! If you cry tears of love, then I'll cry tears of love.
Oh, no! I hear crying. I've got my first-aid kit. What's wrong?
Barry asked me to be his best man!
I need to hug you both as tight as I can right now.
[They tearfully give each other a hug]
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
