HHuey
You want me to direct the Christmas play?
UMr. Uberwitz
Absolutely. I think you’ll do a fantastic job.
HHuey
First of all, I don’t give a damn about Christmas.
UMr. Uberwitz
You don’t have to do a traditional Christmas play... no, you can do... whatever you want.
UMr. Uberwitz
Fired? For what?
HHuey
For bein’ an irresponsible white person.
Mr. Uberwitz I would really love to see your vision.
HHuey
Vision? What do you know about my vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and send the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you. Now ask yourself: are you really ready to see that vision?
UMr. Uberwitz
We’ll give you complete creative control.
HHuey
(considers for a moment) I want it in writing.
HHuey
Have y'all lost your damn minds? Opening night is less than two weeks away and y'all wanna party?
KKid
We're just having some fun.
HHuey
Fun? Do I look like Charlie Brown?
HHuey
Do I LOOK like Charlie Brown?!
HHuey
You know what? All y'all are fired!
KKids
(collectively) What? Fired?
HHuey
Did I stutter? Beat it!
UMr. Uberwitz
Huey... but it's the entire cast. Are you sure that's a good idea?
HHuey
(clears throat) Contract.
UMr. Uberwitz
(to the kids) I'm... sorry guys.
(The kids looks at Quincy Jones.)
QJQuincy Jones
Hey, don't be lookin' at me.
HHuey
Don't look at Quincy Jones! Quincy Jones ain't gonna help you! Get ya' asses out! Now!
Oh, Huey! You’ve got a lunch meeting at 11:30 about the sound effects for the dog fight sequence.
The PTA is threatening a boycott of the play since you fired all the kids.
HHuey
(yawning) Don’t care.
And... the principal is in your office to talk about the script.
(later, in Huey's office)
PPrincipal
First of all, I just wanted you to know we’re thrilled with the script.
W1Woman 1
Absolutely fantastic.
W2Woman 2
Brilliant. Wouldn’t change a thing.
PPrincipal
We just had a couple of notes.
W2Woman 2
Nothing significant.
PPrincipal
(flipping through the script) Lets see, uh, there’s a typo on page five; uh, there’s a continuity problem on page 32 — I think that scene’s supposed to be at night — and, let's see, umm... oh yeah, um, and, uh, Jesus can’t be black.
HHuey
What do you mean he can’t be black?
PPrincipal
He can't be black. Maybe we can make Jesus another color.
W1Woman 1
How bout white?
HHuey
But Jesus was black.
W2Woman 2
We could probably do Italian.
PPrincipal
Jesus was Middle Eastern.
HHuey
In addition to Arabs, the Middle East has always had many people of African descent, whom you would consider black.
PPrincipal
Sorry, can’t do it.
HHuey
(Clears throat, presents contract)
PPrincipal
Oh right, that. (he tears it to pieces)
PPrincipal
(leaving) Best of luck.
W1Woman 1
(leaving) Break a leg.
W2Woman 2
(leaving) I can't wait for opening night.
(camera shows a disappointed Huey with a poster behind him that reveals the chosen title for his play: The Adventures of Black Jesus)
(wiggling her tooth) The tooth fairy will be coming soon.
Yup. Everytime I lose a tooth, the tooth fairy takes it away and leaves a dollar under my pillow.
HHuey
There ain't no such thing as the tooth fairy.
Then who's leaving the money?
HHuey
Probably your parents. They have both the cash and the access to your room.
Why would they lie to me?
HHuey
Because the truth hurts Jazmine. The world is a hard and lonely place and nobody gets anything for free. And you want to know what else? One day, you and everyone you know is gonna die.
You enjoy abusing peoples' illusions. I respect that. It's thankless work. (pauses) Do you like my sunglasses? I wear sunglasses because my idol Dr. Bill Cosby wears sunglasses all the time, and you know what they say: "Cosbiness is next to Godliness."
Nobody, really. Just thought you might want to talk to someone who understands.
I know you better than you think, Huey Freeman.
HHuey
(surprised, he turns around only to find that the man has disappeared)
All I'm saying is when Xzibit brings that car back you goin' be bitches.
No, no... I mean "bitches" like you gonna have so many bitches that's what niggas gonna call you. No disrespect.
HHuey
No disrespect? You just called your granfather "bitches"!
Yeah, but I don't mean "bitches" in a desrespectful way. I mean it as a general word for women.
HHuey
And you're gonna let him get away with this?
Granddad, I'm just sayin' you might have to change your middle name from Jebediah to Bitches. Is all I'm tryin' say. No disrespect.
Hmm, Granddad "Bitches" Freeman. Hoo, has a nice ring to it.
Shh! It's Huey's make-believe government agent in our bathroom taking a dump. (snickers)
If your grandad has one weakness, it's bitches. 'Course they're my weakness too.
HHuey
What are you doing here?
It's complicated, Huey. I'm a secret agent sent to spy on you. (Huey glares at him) Okay, maybe it's not that complicated.
HHuey
Do spies usually introduce themselves to whoever they spy on? What spy school did you go to?
Eh. I'm too old to be sneaking around.
WWorker
(passing through) Excuse us. Coming through.
HHuey
What if I tell someone right now?
You tried that earlier in the kitchen. Remember? By the way, I wasn't really in the bathroom taking a dump, but ma-ha-ha-ha-han! Ah, that brother of yours is a hoot. And your grandfather? Those two need their own sitcom.
Look. Just because my job is to watch your every move and evesedrop on your every telephone call and monitor your every e-mail doesn't mean we can't be friends. (a worker passes by the secret agent, but after he finishes passing by, the agent has vanished)
HHuey
I'm being followed by a secret government agent.
JJasmine
Really? Who? Where is he?
HHuey
I dunno. Kinda just pops up outta nowhere and just disappears.
JJasmine
You mean like the Tooth Fairy?
HHuey
No, I don't mean like the Tooth Fairy!
JJasmine
Sounds like the Tooth Fairy to me. You can believe in secret agents and I can't believe in the Tooth Fairy? That's messed up, Huey.
HHuey
Go! Eat something out of a dumpster! You street urchen!
HHuey
I came up with a name for you. The White Shadow.
Hm... I'm white. I'm shadowing you. It's very clever.
HHuey
And I decided that you are a figment of my overactive imagination.
Now, who is hiding from reality. Just because you're paranoid, Huey, doesn't mean we're not out to get you.
HHuey
If you are real, then why me?
Oh, come on. You underestimate yourself. It's a shame what happened to the house. You warned them.
HHuey
They wouldn't listen to me. They never listen to me.
I know you wanna save the world, Huey, but sometimes people need to learn lessons on their own. The hard way. (looks at his watch) Well, can't miss the Idol. And if you ever wanna talk, just remember, I'm always listening. (walks off and hums to himself)
MMLK
Excuse me... brothers and sisters, please (everybody's dancing). Can someone just... turn off... (no one pays attention to him)
HHuey
(narrating) King looked out on his people and saw they were in great need, so he did what all great leaders do: he told them the truth.
MMLK
(finally hitting his breaking point and snaps into a rage) Will you ignorant niggas PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP?!?!
(the crowd immediately goes silent in astonishment; someone in the crowd is heard asking "Did he just say what I think he said?") Is this it? This is what I got all those ass-whoopings for? I had a dream once. It was a dream that little black boys and little black girls would drink from the river of prosperity, freed from the thirst of oppression. But lo and behold, some four decades later, what have I found but a bunch of trifling, shiftless, good-for-nothing niggas; and I know you some of you don't want to hear me say that word. It's the ugliest word in the English language. But that's what I see now — niggas. And you don't want to be a nigga. Because niggas are living contradictions. Niggas are full of unfulfilled ambitions! Niggas wax and wane, niggas love to complain, niggas love to hear themselves talk but hate to explain! Niggas love being another man's judge and jury! Niggas procrastinate until it's time to worry! Niggas love to be late! Niggas hate to hurry! (cuts to later on in his speech) Black Entertainment Television... is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life! (and even later) Usher, Michael Jackson is NOT a genre of music! And now I'd like to talk about Soul Plane... (he finally finishes his speech) I've seen what's around the corner! I've seen what's over the horizon! And I promise you, you niggas have nothing to celebrate! And no, I won't get there with you. I'm going to Canada. (he simply leaves without any goodbye, as the crowd is still dead silent in shock and astonishment)
HHuey
(narrating) That was the last time I saw Dr. King, but the story doesn’t end there. King’s speech was replayed the entire next day on the cable news channels. Then, something unexpected happened: people got angry.
RReporter
Nobody knows exactly what to attribute to the sharp decline in African American dropout rates...
R2Reporter 2
...every African American player in the NBA refusing to play until there is a full troop withdrawal from...
R3Reporter 3
...Billionaire Bob Johnson apologizing to Black America for the network he founded...
R4Reporter 4
...the White House and Congress are receiving an unprecedented amount of calls from irate African Americans...
HHuey
(continuing)...and the revolution finally came.
(Huge crowd seen protesting loudly in front of the gates of the White House. Police shoot tear gas into the crowd.)
CTCut to
Newspaper, dated 2020, sub-headline: Martin Luther King Jr. dies in Vancouver, B.C. at 91 years old
ZOZoom out to reveal main headline
Oprah Winfrey Elected President
I present to you...the Luther! A full-pound burger patty covered in cheese, grilled onion, five strips of bacon, all sandwiched between-
Two Krispy Kreme donuts! It's called The Luther because it was supposed to have been invented by Mr. Luther Vandross himself!
HHuey
Luther Vandross is dead!
And? Where's your point? Hm?
HHuey
(watches Riley take a bite of the burger) Is this one of your menus? Sausage and waffle and fried chicken breakfast lasagna?
HHuey
Bacon-wrapped chitlin-stuffed catfish? Granddad, you can't serve this kind of stuff to people! It will cause... death!
(about the burger he is eating) Woah, this is what crack must feel like!
Shame on you, Huey! You move out to the suburbs, and suddenly you too good for soul food. Perhaps you would enjoy your spotted cheese in a buttered scone, white boy? (Riley passes out) Boy, boy, are you okay?! I'm sure it's just The Itis, right?
HHuey
That or insulin shock! Do CPR!
HHuey
Yeah, I'm not sure yellin' at him is gonna help, Granddad. How do you not know CPR?
I tried to learn CPR, but they wouldn't let me 'cause I was black.
(Huey and Riley are fighting in the kitchen)
I ain't doin' nothin', Granddad! I was just gon' go to Ed's house, and Huey said I couldn't go 'cause he a hater!
What the hell is wrong with you, Huey? If your brother wants to play with Ed and Rummy, that's his business!
HHuey
Granddad! Ed and Rummy are international criminals!
There he go hatin' again!
HHuey
What about the time when Riley and Ed were playing with a loaded shotgun, and Riley shot Ed out of a second-story window?!
(Cutscene to 'Garden Party' when Riley shot Ed out of the window)
Ohhh...that did happen, didn't it?
Okay, so just 'cause Ed believes in his Second Amendment right to bear arms, we can't be friends? What you got against the Bill of Rights, Huey?!
HHuey
Okay, how about the time they stopped for gas and ended up robbing the mini-mart?!
(Cutscene to 'A Date with the Health Inspector' during the gun fight)
They was fightin' terrorism! Makin' the world safe for the freedoms that we enjoy today! That's messed up, you don't support the troops, Huey!
That is kind of messed up, Huey. (to Riley) Be back by dinner.
OOfficer
It says, "Riley wuz here."
Well maybe it was another Riley.
OOfficer
You dropped these pictures (pictures show Riley posing in front of his graffiti), and, umm, you have paint all over your hands.
Riley, graffiti is a serious crime. Now as the assistant district attorney, I'd have to arrest you and send you to jail, and you wouldn't want that, would you?
(smirking) Nawwww, 'cause I remember when you got arrested that one time and you was cryin' 'cause you thought they were gonna rape you.
(interrupting) Well, I don't exactly remember it happening like that.
Yeah it did. The way you was talkin, they was fi'in to wear that ass out.
(interrupting) Okayyyyy... So we're all agreed that none of us want to go to jail.
And then there was somethin' about a salad, or somethin'?
(enthusiastically) Yes! Salads! For dinner! They make you eat vegetables every night and they're not... delicious... at all.
HHuey
Uhhhh, is the cop here for me or Riley?
Your brother got caught spraying graffiti on... Wait, why would he be here for you?
Fine, I knew y'all was gonna find a way to blame me for this. Go ahead! Say hello to the bad guy! But a white man told me to do it.
Wait a minute, what white man? What did he look like?
White... I just assumed he was in charge.
OOfficer
And just what did this white man look like?
He had a... who do I look like, Snitchy McRat? I don't talk to police!
Boy, you better work your mouth!
If you gonna take me to jail then take me to jail! (he holds out his wrists)
HHuey
(narrating) We all know that the images we see can elicit strong emotional reactions. But I've always wondered: could the images we see do more than hurt us emotionally? Is it possible to see something so bad it actually hurts you physically? In other words, can too much black television kill you?
EGExpert guy
(clears throat) The idea that too much black television can kill you is absolutely preposterous! I should know. I'm an expert. Can't you tell by my accent?
HHuey
(narrating) Actually, in 1999, 21 year old Shaquoia Peterson died suddenly in the 13th hour of the 24-hour Parkers' Marathon on UPN. The exact cause of death was never determined. Shaquoia's family settled out of court for an undisclosed amount of money. UPN admitted no wrongdoing. I decided I would watch nothing but black people on TV for two weeks to see if I suffered from any adverse health effects. I started by getting a full physical at the health office.
DDoctor
Ah, your blood pressure is fine, which is unusual for black people, and your overall level of health is excellent.
HHuey
(narrating) These were the rules: I was only allowed to watch TV with a majority of African American performers. Commercials included.
HHuey
Okay... Nigga-lize me.
I can’t believe I let Mo talk me into this.
CAunt Cookie
Well, you already here. He said he left you something nice. You might as well go on and get it over with.
CAunt Cookie
Do you know what you gonna say?
CAunt Cookie
Well, don’t worry. Just read this (she presents a piece of paper to him). Mo wrote it. He thought you might have some trouble.
(steps to the podium, starts reading the paper) Everything I have in life I owe to Mo Jackson... (looks questioningly at Aunt Cookie)
CAunt Cookie
(urges him on)
(tentatively) I have never once been gay, but Mo was a very sexy man. We used to call him "Mo bitches"? I once saw Mo in his underwear? And it changed my life? I wish I had a father like Mo Jackson. Mo Jackson paid my rent over fifty times?! ... Okay this is bullshit!
AAudience
(collectively gasps)
Mo Jackson was a asshole.
AAudience
(collectively gasps again)
Mo Jackson was a petty, immature, selfish man. Oh, he was good at one thing: that’s bringin’ the worst out of everybody he met. I came up here because I thought Mo wanted to make things right. But it was just one more chance for him to make a fool out of me. (he walks off stage; people start murmuring amongst themselves)
MSMan Sitting At a Table
Yeah, that damn nigga owed me five dollars!
DDewey
(takes the microphone) Brothers, sisters… please. I think it’s time for a poem: Doom comes like a vacuum, ‘cause death sucks and smells like a raccoon or a baboon... Death kills us like crack killed Pooky... Like Schwarzenegger killed Tookie. Chewbacca was a wookie. Revolution.
[The audience sits in silent, stunned confusion.]
Booo... Hey! "Erykah BaDewey"! That was real gay, my nigga! Cut that out!
HHuey
What’s wrong with you Cairo?! That nigga’s corny.
CCairo
Corny? Nigga, you’re corny. At least he’s here! Why don’t you follow your punk-ass granddaddy back to Whitesville? Fake nigga?
[Huey punches Cairo in the face and the two start fighting; Dewey looks nervously at Riley and flees from the podium]
[Chasing after him] Don't run, nigga, I see you!
The Boondocks · 205 quotes
