A character in The Big Bang Theory
6th most-quoted character in The Big Bang Theory: in 107 of its 597 quotes
Most scenes with: Howard Wolowitz (66), Leonard Hofstadter (59), Sheldon Cooper (58)
You know… I'm given to understand that there's an entire city in Nevada… designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems… and replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.
Is it me…or is that Sheldon's way of saying “Vegas Baby”?
You guys are seriously considering this [going to the North Pole with Sheldon]?
Yes!
[incredulous] And you think you can put up with Sheldon?
Well, I'm a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life, we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I'm reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!
[After the guys hear a cricket and Sheldon says its a snowy tree cricket based on the chirps]
I am willing to bet anything, that's an ordinary field cricket.
I can't take your money.
What's the matter? You chicken?
I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Chickens can't climb trees.
Thank God.
I've always been a little confused about this -- why don't Hindus eat beef?
We believe cows are gods.
Not technically. In Hinduism cattle are thought to be like gods.
Do not tell me about my own culture Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out, I swear to cow!
[After Sheldon offers him a job] Please don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather swim butt-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple, and then die a slow agonizing death from viral infection, than work with you.
For me.
[When losing an argument with Sheldon] Well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I'd be kicking your butt!
English is your native language!
[watching football on TV] I think I'm starting to get this.
Really? The only thing I've learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often, and have trouble getting erections.
Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.
I'm just saying, maybe if people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.
[Howard and Raj are fighting. Eventually, Sheldon loses his cool]
Stop it both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinkin', I'd leave you!"
"Well, I guess that makes you a liar, 'cause I'm drunk as hell and you're still here!"
"Stop yelling! You're making Sheldon cry!"
"I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon!" [Sheldon storms out]
Boy, what got him so upset?
Oh, sure, you can tell when Sheldon's upset.
Okay, let's check out the females.
Alright, there's a female.
That's Professor Wilkinson's wife, she's like 80 years old!
But she's female, isn't that the game?
No, I'm looking for a hookup.
Oh. So the point of this exercise is to find someone for you to copulate with.
Raj Not so loud, but ideally yes.
And what is my function as wingman?
You help me run my game.
Alright, and what is your game?
When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.
[Abby walks by and notices Sheldon's lantern]
Hey that's pretty cool, what is it?
It's a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.
[laughs] You're very funny, I'm Abby.
I'm Sheldon.
How do you do? Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali. Call me Raj.
Hey Raj, where are you from?
The mysterious, sub-continent of India.
Ooh, India.
You know India?
I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
Well I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.
I thought your father was a gynecologist? [Raj looks at him] Sorry. [Smiles and nods]
Hey Martha, come over here. Meet Sheldon and Raj.
Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern?
In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight. [Holds up his ring to the lantern and it lights up.]
Oh, that is so awesome.
Thank you. [To Raj] Have you chosen one to copulate with?
Oh Lord, they re-did the menu.
So what, it's the same food.
Really? Look at this: General Tso's chicken is no longer under specialties. It's now under chicken.
So?
Yes General Tso.
Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So?
So? Did the chef loose confidence in himself or the dish. And just look at this, Shrimp with mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?
It's obviously a typo.
Perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant is now a front for organized crime. For all we know the mobster sauce actually contains chunks of deceased mobsters.
No, I just think it means it's the kind of sauce mobsters like.
It doesn't mean anything, it's just a typo!
Here's an idea: why don't we go out for pizza?
Good idea. We'll go to Corleone's.
Sure, no mobsters there.
...
The more I think of it, mobster sauce couldn't possibly contain actual mobsters.
[impatient] Why not?
It's listed under seafood.
[About everyone's Valentines Day plans] Okay, to sum up, one giant marble horse [Howard], one...asinine comment [Sheldon], one lonely man and his chicken [Raj] and that leaves...oh that's right! My plans! [no one responds] Isn't anyone gonna ask?
Fine, tell us you're gonna have sex with Penny.
No, that's not was I was going to say.
It's okay, I don't mind hearing about your sex life, it's his [Howard's] that bugs me.
That's not what I was going to say. Guess who the university is sending to see the Hadron Collider in Switzerland?
Professor Norton, although God knows why. He hasn't published anything in years since he won that Nobel prize.
Actually he can't go. He threw his back out rock climbing.
I heard he threw his back out climbing his new girlfriend.
The big boobed weather girl from Channel 2?
That's the one.
Anyway, since he can't go, the university is asking me to fill in for him!
In Switzerland or on the big boobed weather girl?
Waterfalls!
What?
Waterfalls, crashing waves, babbling brooks.
What are you doing?
Subliminal messaging. I'm going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets, leaky gutter, peeing.
It's not working, dude.
Oh it's working alright. I have to pee.
Then let go of the ring and go.
Well actually I wouldn't mind going either.
Well on the count of three. 1, 2...
Wait, just to be clear. When we get to three, do we stand up? Or do we pee?
We stand up.
Excellent choice.
3.
Something tells me this was a bad day to wear suede shoes.
[teaching Sheldon how to calm himself with meditation] OK, Sheldon, imagine the place you feel most at home. Where is that?
Sim City. In particular, the Sim city I designed--Sheldonopolis.
OK, you're in Sheldonopolis,
Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the fighting Sheldons?
Whatever you like.
I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.
Fine, you're in Sheldon Square.
Really? This time of year? It's a bit nippy.
Then put on a sweater.
I suppose I could run downtown and pick something up at Shel-Mart.
Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater.
You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.
You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater!
Look, I didn't turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.
All right. You've paid for a sweater and you're in Sheldon Square.
Hang on. It's a cardigan. I have to button it. [He does so] Oh no!
What now?
A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me! If the children can't run leave them behind! Oh, the simulated horror! [Raj leaves and slams the door. Sheldon opens his eyes] Raj? [To himself] Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.
Hey, where've you been?
I was talking with Penny.
What's wrong with you? You can't hang out with your roommate's ex. That's totally uncool.
No, it's fine. I don't care. I'm over it.
Yeah, he's over it; that's why he's been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.
Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
[to himself] So would Ben Affleck. [to Sheldon] The point is, in a situation like this, you gotta pick sides. You're either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.
Which one picks last?
What?
Usually, I'm on the team that picks last…unless there's a kid in a wheelchair.
Do you like role-playing games?
Yeah, sure. In fact, I'm a dungeon master.
Not tonight. Tonight, you are a delivery man. You brought soup, but, uh-oh, Raj and I don't have enough money to pay you. So we'll have to come to some other kind of arrangement.
Beg your pardon?
You two figure out the details, I'm going to change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh.
[after Elizabeth goes into another room] What the frak?
Go away. She wants New Delhi, not kosher deli. Besides, you have a girlfriend.
We broke up weeks ago.
Why didn't you say anything?
I was waiting for the right time. This is the right time.
[arriving] Hey, who's ready for Halo?
Oh, this is like a nightmare. Get lost!
He's right. The numbers are shaky enough as it is.
I don't understand.
[peeking head through door] Oh, good. Leonard's here.
Good?!
Elizabeth, what's going on?
What's going on is you and Howard are my moving men and Raj is my new landlord and I don't have enough money to pay any of you. [goes back inside the room]
Is she suggesting what I think she's suggesting?
Yep! Welcome to the Penthouse Forum.
Sheldon CooperJim Parsons · 398 quotes
Leonard HofstadterJohnny Galecki · 268 quotes
PennyKaley Cuoco · 206 quotes
Howard WolowitzSimon Helberg · 159 quotes
Amy Farrah FowlerMayim Bialik · 140 quotes
Bernadette RostenkowskiMelissa Rauch · 62 quotes
Stuart BloomKevin Sussman · 14 quotes
Wil WheatonWil Wheaton · 7 quotes
BarryJohn Ross Bowie · 6 quotes
ZackBrian Thomas Smith · 6 quotes
MaryLaurie Metcalf · 5 quotes
ArthurBob Newhart · 4 quotes
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The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes