I've spent the last 3 hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom and I need your help.
StuartOh yeah, those guys can be very stubborn, what's the topic?
I am asserting: in the event that Batman's death proves permanent, the original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor the Batcowl.
Stuart
Ooh, Sheldon, I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong.
"More wrong"? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
Stuart
Of course it is; it's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it's very wrong to say it's a suspension bridge.
Stuart
Sheldon, here is the new edition of Hellboy. It's mind blowing.
Excuse me. Spoiler alert!
Stuart
What?
You told me "it's mind blowing". So my mind goes into it "pre-blown". Once your mind is "pre-blown", it cannot be "re-blown".
Stuart
[bewildered] I'm sorry.
Said the Grinch to Christmas.
Come on Sheldon, let's go home - we're done fighting.
I've heard that before. Then the next thing you know I'm hiding in my bedroom blaring a Richard Feynman lecture while my mom is shouting that "Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad's meatloaf." And my dad's on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.
There's gonna be no more shouting and no skeet shooting.
Really? Where's your friend Justin going to sleep?
Yeah, where's he gonna sleep?
Oh, my God, would you let this go?!
Stuart
[walking by] I'd let it go.
Why do I have to let it go, why can't you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep?! [Sheldon turns on a toy robot to drown out the arguing] Oh, for God's sakes! [turns off the robot] So, you have childhood issues - we all have childhood issues. At some point you just need to grow up and get past them.
[Sheldon turns on another robot]
Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? [takes robot from Sheldon and turns it off] Sheldon, please, try and understand. Look, Leonard and I are in a relationship, and occasionally, we're gonna fight. But - no matter what happens between us, we'll always love you. Right, Leonard?
Always is a long time. [both look at him] Sure, always.
You know, how 'bout we buy you this robot and we all go home?
Okay, we'll buy you that one.
Ah, come on, he's just gonna play with it twice and then it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.
Buy him the robot, Leonard. [Leonard walks off to buy the robot]
Can I get this comic book too?
[mom-like tone and face] Yes you can. [Sheldon runs off]
Stuart
And the award for best group costume goes to Justice League of America number 3!
Thank you! Thank you so much!
Stuart
Okay. Okay, 10 seconds to midnight.
No, wait! I have a speech.
This is my moment, dag nab it!
AAll
2, 1! Happy New Year!
I’m not going to say another word until you people settle down. I’m waiting.
Sheldon, what are you doing here?
The thought of you sitting in a darkened theatre with a character like Stuart is repellant. No offense Stuart!
Stuart
None taken. Though, repellant, is kind of, kind of a strong word.
Um... sorry this causes you discomfort but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellant situation I want.
Stuart
Um...again...
Stuart please, you're being rude.
I believe, I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise. I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.
Interesting... Now try it without the quadruple negative.
Fine! Amy, will you be my girlfriend?
Alright, that's enough about it. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date!
This insistence on hand-holding is preposterous.
Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.
It’s not fair. Penny isn't making Leonard hold hands.
There might be a reason for that.
Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.
Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore.
Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.
So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?
String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?
She’s not sure how she feels.
How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.
Regardless, don’t say anything to Leonard.
Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?
Yes, please, Penny will kill me.
Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.
Stuart
Raisinet?
Shh, we’re trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.
Stuart
[Enters] Oh! hey, man, welcome back!
Oh, Stuart, thanks! What are you doing here?
Stuart
Well... I kind of live here now.
Just until he gets back on his feet... which are looking good in those boots I bought him for my birthday!
[They fist-bump]
Stuart
Ah, he's spoiling me and I love it.
Wow, so you guys are like buds now?
Stuart
Oh, yeah, we hang out all the time. Plus, he doesn't have a girlfriend, I don't have a girlfriend...
It's like we have these holes in our lives, but now we fill each other's holes.
[Penny, Amy and Bernadette enter the Comic Book Store. Everyone inside stares at them in shock]
[nervous] Why are they staring?
Who cares, just soak it in. Hello boys!
Stuart
Oh, hey! [To the staring men] Can you please stop staring, they're just girls. It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.
Stuart
W-what brings you guys here?
We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.
Stuart
Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.
... No, we were just wondering why the guys like this stuff so much, so we thought we'd give it a try.
Stuart
Oh, o-okay, well, what do you think you might be into? Superhero? Fantasy? Graphic novels? Manga? [sees his customers are staring at them again] I swear, I will turn a hose on you!
What kind of comics do the guys like?
Stuart
Umm... A little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
All right, well, who's the best superhero?
Stuart
[panicking] SSHH! You can't ask a question like that in here! You trying to start a rumble!?
Oh, Stuart, two questions: Do you have the new Aquaman, and do you mind if I use your back room to smoke some meat?
Stuart
Well, since it's you asking, I'm gonna guess that's not a euphemism.
Why are you smoking meat? And why are you reading Aquaman?
I am trying to make Amy a historically accurate Little House on the Prairie dinner for her birthday, and I want to be able to say I was reading it before it was cool.
Wow, well, that's actually really sweet. The dinner thing. The Aquaman thing's dumb.
Stuart
Wanna see my room?
Stuart
Cool.
[They head off]
How do you feel about this?
She can clearly do better, but that's not for me to say.
No. Them in his room. Doing stuff.
C'mon. We're sitting right out here. They're not going to do anything. [As soon as that's out of his mouth, suddenly Sade's "Smooth Operator" starts playing loudly from his room] I'd like to change my answer.
Stuart
Is it me or has no one been in the store for hours?
Yeah, it’s weirdly quiet. Nobody’s in the street.
Stuart
Huh, that’s strange.
You thinking what I’m thinking?
Stuart
They cut that meteorite open and unleashed a space plague.
Stuart
Let me just lock up here.
Stuart
Uh, well, if this is a worst case scenario and we’re the last two people alive we’re gonna have to rebuild civilization.
Do you have any special skills?
Stuart
I can draw. How about you?
Stuart
I didn’t know that.
Stuart
You know, it, uh, might also be up to us to repopulate the earth.
Stuart
So shall we?
Wait here. I’m gonna brush my teeth.
Stuart
[Sheldon shows up] We’re closed.
So she's coming over again?
Stuart
Yeah, we're gonna do a movie night.
It's my house. Don't you think you should ask me?
Stuart
You’re right, I’m sorry. Howard, would you like to come to movie night?
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
