The Big Bang Theory quotes

Sheldon

[about donating sperm] What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve?

Leonard

I'm sure she'll still love him.

Sheldon

I wouldn't.

Penny

I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know...

Sheldon

Yes... it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.

Penny

Participate in the what?

Leonard

What he means is that wouldn't be his first guess.

Penny

Yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign.

Leonard

Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.

Sheldon

My apologies. What’s your plan?

Sheldon

It’s just a privilege to watch your mind at work.

Leonard

Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.

Sheldon

What do you think their combined IQ is?

Leonard

Just grab the door!

Leonard

Well, we'll just have to take it up ourselves.

Sheldon

I hardly think so.

Leonard

Why not?

Sheldon

Well, we don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.

Leonard

We don't need strength, we're physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes. Give me a lever and a fulcrum and I could lift the earth.

Leonard

I don't have this! I don't have this! I DON'T HAVE THIS!

Sheldon

Archimedes would be so proud.

Leonard

Well, do you have any ideas?

Sheldon

Yeah, but they all involve a Green Lantern and a power ring.

Leonard

[in Penny's apartment in the middle of the night] Do you realize if Penny wakes up, there's no reasonable explanation to why we are here?

Sheldon

I just gave you a reasonable explanation.

Leonard

No, you gave me an explanation. Its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers!

Sheldon

Don't be ridiculous. I have no peers.

Sheldon

O Gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.

Leonard

Hello Leslie.

Hi Leonard.

Leonard

I'd like to propose an experiment…

Goggles, Leonard.

Leonard

Right. I would like to propose an experiment.

Hang on. I'm trying to see how long it takes a 500-kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my Cup o' Noodles.

Leonard

I've done it. About two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.

Wait, are you asking me out?

Leonard

I was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague-slash-friendship paradigm with the addition of a date-like component, but we don't need to quibble over terminology.

What sort of experiment?

Leonard

There's a generally accepted pattern in this area. I would pick you up. Take you to a restaurant. Then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.

Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the biochemical reaction during the good night kiss?

Leonard

Heart rate, pheromones, et cetera. Yes.

Why don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable?

Leonard

You mean kiss you now?

Yes.

Leonard

Can you define the parameters of the kiss?

Closed-mouth but romantic. Mint?

Howard

Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?

Sheldon

That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?

Howard

Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.

Sheldon

Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?

Raj

You might be bound by them right now.

Howard

That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?

Sheldon

Of course not.

Raj

Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?

Sheldon

Well, no.

Howard

I smell robot.

Sheldon

I've spent the past three-and-a-half years staring at greaseboards full of equations; before that, I spent four years working on my thesis; before that, I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade.

[in trying to get Sheldon to go apologize to his boss Dr. Gablehauzer] Now listen here, Sheldon, I've been telling you since you were five years old, it's okay to be smarter than everyone else, but you can't go around pointing it out!

Sheldon

Why?

[sternly] Because other people don't like it!! Remember all the ass-kickings you used to get from the neighbor kids? Are you ready? Get your shoes, shirt and let's shove off!

Sheldon

[in a defeated tone of voice] There wouldn't have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death-ray would've worked.

Leonard

Here comes our new boss. Be polite.

[approaching] Hi, fellas. Eric Gablehauser.

Howard

[shaking hands] Howard Wolowitz.

Howard. Nice to meet you. [turning to Sheldon] And you are?

Sheldon

[shaking hands] An actual real scientist. [turning to Leonard] How was that?

Leonard

What did Penny mean, "you'd make a cute couple"?

Sheldon

Well, I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, though somewhat less likely interpretation is that you could manufacture one. As in, "Oh, look, Leonard and Leslie made Mr. and Mrs. Goldfarb! Aren't they adorable?"

Leonard

If Penny didn't know that Leslie had already turned me down, then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought I should ask her, Leslie, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out; but because she did know that I had asked Leslie out, and that she, Leslie, had turned me down, then she, Penny, could be offering me consolation - "That's too bad, you would have made a cute couple..." - while thinking, "good, Leonard remains available."

Sheldon

You're a lucky man, Leonard.

Leonard

How so?

Sheldon

You're talking to one of the three men in the Western Hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.

Leonard

Well, what do you think?

Sheldon

I said I could follow it, I didn't say I cared.

Penny

Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.

Leonard

Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.

So what are you, a zebra?

Sheldon

[to Leonard] Yet another child left behind.

Leonard

[To Kurt] A Homo habilis just discovering his opposable thumbs says what?

[Confused] What?