Mary quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Mary

Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.

Sheldon

What did they feed the lions, Mother?

Mary

The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.

Mary

When your mom gets back, I'm gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her.

Penny

Well, come on, she did kinda start it.

Mary

Doesn't matter. A good Christian would have turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would have shot her, so I'll just split the difference.

Mary

Don't send it back yet. Your sister's married and I'm not letting your brother give my grandmother's ring to that whore he's dating.

Sheldon

Wasn't Mary Magdalene a woman of ill repute?

Mary

When your idiot brother redeems mankind he can date whoever he wants.

Mary

So Alfred, what is it that you do for a living?

Oh, I'm an anthropologist. I study ancient peoples and cultures.

Mary

My goodness, so all the way back to the Flood.

Sheldon

Don't laugh. She wasn't joking.

Amy

Play with your phone.

Well, on that note there are many cultures that have an apocalyptic flood as a part of their mythology.

Mary

I don't have a mythology. I have the unerring Word of God. But that's very interesting.

Oh. I don't mean to disparage your faith. Actually I admire it.

Mary

Really?

Yes, I'm an agnostic myself, but I prayed, many times, to God to turn my wife into a pillar of salt.

Mary

Well, he came close. Turned her into a giant block of ice.

Sheldon

Mother, I have some good news to share.

Amy

[giddily] We're engaged!

Mary

I am so happy for you two, but I'm not surprised. I've been praying for this.

Sheldon

Well, God had nothing to do with it. It happened because I was kissing another woman, and it made me realize I wanted to be with Amy.

Mary

More than one woman was interested in you? I might have prayed a little too hard.

Sheldon

I want to let you know right now that we are not getting married in a church.

Mary

That's all right, Sheldon. Anywhere Jesus is is a church.

Sheldon

Well, he won't be at our wedding.

Mary

He's in my heart, so if I'm there, he'll be there.

Sheldon

Okay, well, then he's your plus-one. You don't get to bring anyone else.

Mary

That's fine. Love you.

Sheldon

Love you, too. Bye.

Mary

[they hang up] Lord, thank you. Even though you can do anything, that was mighty impressive.