Pork chops? I thought we agreed to stick to a budget! Pork chops aren't cheap!
Well, you know, on the way to the market, I tried to run over a cat. But they are just so darn speedy!
S1 E24Hyde Moves In
Hyde's mom is gone, and he is going downhill. I mean, he's sitting over there in the dark eating ketchup off crackers.
I ate gum off a parking meter once. But it was on a dare. I made a dollar. Man, there's some suckers out there!
Crackers and ketchup are "K" words. Which makes them naturally funny.
[laughing] Oh, my God! I can feel, like, all the molecules in my body! I'm gonna count them! One, two, three...
[playing with View-Master] You guys disgust me. Doesn't anyone care about Hyde? ...Oh my God, run Scooby! Now, run!
You know what's freaking me out? I saw Jackie sick, without makeup. And it was, like, the freakiest thing I've ever seen in my entire, entire life. Including the class trip to the sausage factory.
Ai, if I never see the inside of another cow, it will be too soon! Jerky?
Eighteen, nineteen... I have the biggest hands in the world! Dammit! One, two...
So his mom's gone, and I know he doesn't want any help. But the Donner party didn't get any help, and then they ate each other so... [to Fez] Hey, don't bogart that jerky.
Yeah, no parents would be cool! Like The Lord of the Flies!
Kelso, did you ever finish Lord of the Flies?
No. So?
Nothing. Look, what are we gonna do about Hyde? We should tell someone.
What am I gonna do about Jackie? I can't even look at her!
She's unpleasant when she's healthy, so I can only imagine how she looks like!
Hey, Kelso... Jackie's my friend. [points finger at him] And you're shallow... [looks at finger] and pathetic. And you know what else? [shows hands] My hands are huge! They're like boxing gloves. [impersonating Muhammad Ali] I am the Greatest!
Okay, champ. Whatever you—[Donna punches Eric]
S1 E25The Good Son
So, my parents are, like, fighting all the time, and they want me to choose sides. But I can't, because they're both idiots.
Excuse me, Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?
Um, cheerleading camp.
S2 E1Garage Sale
[Kitty suggests something for Hyde to do at a garage sale.]
Oh, Steven, I have a great idea: you can sell lemonade.
Mrs. Forman, I've thrown a lot of rocks at kids with lemonade stands... and Lord knows I hate a hypocrite!
You could have a little bake sale.
I'd pretty much beat up any kid selling anything.
Steven, you could just do a little table with some cookies and some brownies..
I'm not much of -- brownies. I could make brownies because [stands] people love brownies!
No, they DON'T.
Oh, they love my brownies!
You dance with Mary Jane, you get your toes stepped on. That's right. Consequences, my friend. Yeah, consequences. Now my car's gone and Red's high as a kite.
[Red, Kitty, Bob, and Midge get stoned in the basement after eating Hyde's special brownies]
You know... I'm glad the plant is closing. It frees me up to do my own thing.
[laughing] You said, "Do my own thing!"
Oh Red, your own thing. That's so hip!
[eating chips] I love salt.
I like that word, hip. It kinda pops, you know? Hip, hip, hip. I can see my own mouth!
You know what’s beautiful? Fruitcake. All the different colored little fruits living together in one cake.
I jumped out of a cake once.
I also like sweet, but there's just something about salt.
Hip... It starts to lose its meaning after a while, you know? Hip. It's not even a word.
[as someone knocks on the door] Oh my God, listen, you can hear my heart! Oh my God, there it is again!
No, that's someone at the door.
Maybe it's the cops.
It's just someone for the garage sale. Take whatever you want! It won’t fill the hole in your life! [pause; the knocking continues] I’ll see who it is [gets up to answer the door].
You know, for a terrible grouch, Red is great in bed.
[starts laughing] I'm sorry, what?
[singing] Hippity hoppity, Easter's on its way!
Where'd you go, Red?
Well, I was hopping down the old bunny trail, and this guy offered me $200 for the Vista Cruiser. So I sold it to him.
You sold Eric's car? Oh, no. [laughs hysterically]
S2 E2Red's Last Day
Ohhh! You're wearing your University of Wisconsin sweatshirt!
Yeah. Mother, I went there.
No. You flunked out of there. You might as well wear your "University of I Wasted My Father's Money" sweatshirt! Take it off. [Laurie begins to take the sweatshirt but Kitty stops her halfway after seeing her with only a bra underneath]
[Kitty is driving Red, Eric, Hyde, and Fez back home after a long last-day binge. The guys are singing Wylie Hubbard's Up Against The Wall, Redneck Mother]
Okay, you know what? Let's turn that off. [switches radio off]
[To Red] Hey, I got Amy's phone number.
Good for you, Steven.
I hope she's still pretty tomorrow.
Okay, you know what? Let's just turn that Redneck Mother song back on! [Gang resumes singing]
S2 E3The Velvet Rope
Eric, you've hardly touched your breakfast.
That's because I don't know what it is.
Well, it's just, it's eggs and hash and some…surprises!
Mom, why aren't you eating it?
Well, I just, I have never been a breakfast person.
Is this rabbit?
No!
Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?
Laurie, it is not dog food. And God, I hope so.
[walks in dressed in a suit and tie] So: would you hire me?
I'd hire you, Daddy! Especially if the position was world's best father.
[Hyde is trying to guess what Kitty has served for breakfast.]
Oh, I know! It's tongue! [Kitty says nothing; to Eric] It's tongue.
S2 E4Laurie and the Professor
[Donna and Midge are hanging out]
So ... here we are ... together... again.
Hmm, I'm just loving the time we spend together Donna. In my new book 'Our Mothers, Our Selves,' it says we're supposed to be friends. We should talk to each other and listen. Your stupid father never listens.
Is there anything in your book about not insulting my father?
Well I don't know, I've only read the first chapter. Oh, okay, no more talking about your father. So, how do you like the clogs I bought you?
They're awesome!
Good! Cause your father's an ass!
[Red and Kitty talk with Professor Stark, who wants to get Laurie in class again]
So, what does she need to do to get back into school?
SProfessor Stark
Well, she'll have to work with me. Make a commitment...to school. She'll really have to buckle down.
Hahahaha! Well what do you think Laurie, are you willing to give it a go?
Oh, huhuh, mother she's very willing. You know Dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today. In the garage.
[thoughts] Burst into flames, burst into flames, BURST INTO FLAMES!
It was just...it was so surprising.
Oh Eric, do tell!
I saw Laurie....
SStark
I'm in love with your daughter! [long pause; Red and Stark get up from the table and walk towards each other] Dad!
That's it! Come here!! [Chases Stark out of the room]
S2 E5Halloween
So you're telling me, if were to go to up to someone's house and say "trick or treat!" they would give me a free piece of candy?
EDEric, Donna, Hyde, Kelso, and Jackie
YES!!!
Oh I don't believe you!
[Cutaway to Fez at someone's door dressed as Batman]
Trick or treat! [person drops an apple into Fez' bag] An apple? Where's my candy you son of a bitch?!
[Person slams door in his face]
Wait a minute, you're 18?
Yeah. That's why I always seemed more mature than you guys.
You mean to tell me this whole time you could have been buying us beer?!
[Gasps] You bastard.
Well, Eric ruined your life.
And if I had a beer, I'd be getting over it right now.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.