[Kelso tries to find food in the Formans' cupboards.]
DonnaActually, Kelso. You know what really makes you horny? Beets.
Nah, it's true, I saw it on 60 Minutes, man. Beet farmers with like, ten, 15 kids.
Man, how's come everything that's good for you always tastes so bad? [gets can opener and tries to open can of beets] I'm trying it!
[enters kitchen] Michael, honey, don't eat our beets! [gets can]
You know, Michael, Mrs. Forman's right. You're horny enough as it is. Sometimes, I wish you had two girlfriends. [gang looks at her]
Oh my God, are you serious?
[at Jackie's dinner party, a drunk Eric serenades Donna with his own version of Hey Paula. Schoolmate Timmy is on the piano]
Hey, hey Donna, I wanna sing to you, hey hey hey Donna, no one else will ever do, I've waited so long for [voice cracks] school to be through, Donna, Donna, I love you [high-pitched] hey hey Donna!!
Donna
Eric, get down off there right now!
What's the problem Donna?
TTimmy
Yeah, what's the problem Donna?
Donna
Timmy, go get your pants on or I'll beat the crap out of you! [Timmy runs out of the room] Eric, remember when I told you to loosen up?
Donna
[grabs trophy Eric uses as microphone] Well, tighten up baby. When the house is on fire, the party's over.
Well, hey, this was your idea.
Donna
Eric, I told you to loosen up, not act like a dink.
Well I'm new at this [grabs the trophy back] so sue me. [sings again] Sue, sue, sue me!! Sue me Donna!
[Donna separately asks Kitty, Laurie, and Midge how their own first times felt]
Donna
Ok, so just out of curiosity, no reason, what was your first time like?
Oh, my first time was with a guy named...your father.
My first time was with this guy named Darren. It was really special! Oh no, wait. It wasn't Darren, it was...Robert? I think, Robert!
Well, um, Red and I waited until after we were married. Like, five seconds after we were married. We said, to heck with the receiving line and hit the nearest closet!
Oh, I remember running my hands through his long blonde hair and listening to his beautiful British accent. [has a long stare, but snaps out of it] You see, because, back then your father was blonde and British!
No, no no no, not Robert. There was this guy...what was his name? Or was it his brother? It'll come to me.
Good god, that dress must've had a hundred buttons down the back, but Red got it off in no time! You wouldn't know it to look at him but Red's got very nimble fingers. Nimble!
I just remember it was very disappointing. And I never saw that guy again. I mean, your father. I mean, your father was the first. Don't tell your father, ok?
I wanna say Billy. But that's not right. Anyway, I just remember that he wasn't very good.
And it was just wonderful. Eventually.
[After Jackie mauls Laurie]
Donna
I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me slut rabies.
Jackie, you're my hero. [Jackie looks confused. Eric continues] You hit her in the eye.
Yeah but I guess it wasn't very zen of me, was it Hyde?
Well, where zen ends, ass-kicking begins. And that's your final lesson, grasshopper.
[Eric and Donna are making out in his bed, but Donna discovers an issue of PlayPen on the floor]
Donna
You keep a stack of dirty magazines under your bed? [gets up to look under his bed]
What? No! God, not a stack. You know, what is a "stack" really?
Donna
Why do you have these down here?
Now, wait, Donna...downstairs you were laughing and cracking jokes about this stuff.
Donna
Eric, that was in the basement...with our idiotic friends. Why do you need them? Aren't I enough? [throws the magazines at him]
No-Yeah, you're enough. God, you're...you're plenty. It's just, uh, that, uh... you see, Donna, you see, what I do with dirty magazines... is... really only interesting to me.... with the reading of the articles and the solving of the puzzles and whatnot.
Donna
You know what? I don't wanna know bout the whatnot. I'm outta here [leaves room]
[to magazines] Oh, no, girls. She's onto us.
[The gang think of ways on how to spend their Halloween. Kelso has an idea.]
You know what would be fun? If we were in an Alfred Hitchcock movie right now, and we didn't know it. And then, someone one told us and we were all like, “Oh man! I'm in a movie!" [Hyde, Kelso, Donna, Eric, Jackie, and Fez individually give surprised looks to the camera]
Donna
Yeah, ok, I'm out of here.
Donna
GET BENT!
[Fez and Jackie await the results of the Roller Disco competition with Donna and Kelso, who is not pleased]
AAnnouncer
And the winner of Kenosha's Annual Roller Disco Doo-dah is...Jackie Burkhart and...
DJDonna and Jackie
Oh, my God! [Jackie hugs Fez]
I can't believe it! I'm so sorry I doubted you. You...You are my hero...My...my hunky, sexy, foreign skating hero!
And you are my...my spoiled, whiny skating princess.
Oh, Fez, thank you! [a tournament assistant gives them champagne] Yaaaay, champagne! Yaaay!
Yaaaay! Yaaay! [rubs Jackie's back]
[Shakes off Kelso] Get off me. Kelso, you booed us the entire time.
What? No! That was some rude guy. So I popped him one, and then I was goin', "Ooh," because I hurt my hand when I popped the rude guy. So... you're welcome. You wanna kiss it?
Let's go, Fez [they leave]
Donna
Hmm. Come on, Kelso. Look at the bright side.
Donna
The bright side is there isn't one. Fez has Jackie, and you have to squeeze out that marble.
[Donna faces Shelly over panties found in Eric's car]
Donna
Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
SShelly
Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front.
[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]
Donna
So these are some other girl's panties?!
Whoa-whoa-whoa. No offense, Donna- [to Eric] but dude, you're on fire!
SShelly
You know what Eric, I don't need this. [Walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
Donna, look, you have to believe me, I have no idea whose panties those are.
[walks in] Donna, [takes the panties] those panties are mine.
ERIC!! Oh, oh....[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!
Donna
[sets Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
[interrupts Midge] And please be as specific!
Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places. [Kelso and Fez stand up, cringing at the thought]
SShelly
Doesn't your girlfriend mind you spending so much time with me?
Well, no. Apparently, she's thrilled about it.
SShelly
Well, she's crazy. Because if I was your girlfriend, I would wanna kiss you all the time.
[Shelly kisses Eric, who quickly breaks away]
Whoa! Hey, come on, lady! I'm spoken for! [pause; Shelly stares at him] Wow!
[Kelso and Fez run into the Hub]
Hey, did we miss anything?
What? God, no! You didn't miss anything!
[The guys see Donna walk inside]
Alright, people! Let's back up! Give 'em some room here!
Donna
Don't "Hey, Donna. Hi, hello," me! I trusted you, and you cheated on me with this slut!
Donna
Yeah, I said it! You want some of this?! Come on!
Donna, hey, whatever you think happened–
Donna
I know what happened. [holds up panties] I found these in your car!
A-ha. So he admits they are panties.
Donna
[to Shelly] Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
SShelly
Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front.
[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]
Donna
So these are some other girl's panties?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No offense, Donna... [to Eric] but dude, you're on fire!
SShelly
You know what, Eric? I don't need this. [walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
Donna, look, you have to believe me. I have no idea whose panties those are.
[walks in] Donna! [takes the panties] Those panties are mine.
ERIC!! OH! OH...[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!
Donna
[pulls Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
[interrupts Midge] And please be as specific!
Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places.
[Kelso and Fez stand up and cringe]
My heart aches with pain. [Jackie smiles]
When I see you, I vomit. [Jackie's smile drops, looking stunned]
Die away from me.
Donna
[enjoying herself from the couch] Ouch!
Sayonara. [goes to basement room]
[stunned] Donna....never have 17 syllables hurt me so much. Why would he want to hurt me like that?
Donna
Because you're stalking him, Jackie.
[Red is making good progress with his barbecue war against Bob]
Well, we've gone through three batches of Ambrosia salad.
Three batches! Not since D-Day has there been such a complete and glorious victory. [laughs. Donna approaches] Oh uh, hi Donna.
Donna
Well I hope you're all happy, cause you ruined my Dad's barbecue. All he wanted was one more good day before everybody found out that his store was closing and he's going bankrupt.
Donna
Yeah, Bargain Bob's is closing this week so....congratulations. [walks away]
Oh my God, I feel so bad.
Well you should, you ruined his barbecue. Why would you do that?
Wha...me? You coulda, you -
Eric, for God's sakes, the man is almost a veteran.
Ok, fine. You know what. Fine, it's all my fault. But Dad you, you gotta make everyone here go next door.
Eric, you're right. We have got to go over there. They are our neighbors, they are our best friends.
Yeah, I suppose. [addresses guests] All right freeloaders, let's move it on over to Bob's! [everyone starts to leave] Eric, grab that keg.
Ok, I'm on it. [tries to carry but the keg wouldn't budge]
[After Kelso celebrates himself winning and Fez lost while dancing in his van with Jackie, the ground underneath the van starts shaking and both Jackie and Kelso run out quickly as do Eric, Donna and Fez out of the shack to hear what the commotion is]
I dunno, all of a sudden, the van just started shaking!
Donna
Uh... guys?
[Kelso's van slowly sinks down into the icy water underneath the ground, as everyone is astonished by that happening]
[quickly takes off his belt as his van continues sinking] Quick! Everyone, gimme your belts! Together we can pull it out!
[The van makes creaking noises as it splashes out some water towards the group and Eric and Donna quickly back up to their right]
[Eric and Donna refuse to help as Kelso waves his belt at them, telling them to join in, but they still don't want to]
Michael, this is it! This is the sign I was looking for! God doesn't want us to be together!
[At this point, the van is now submerged in the lake]
Who... cares? I'm losing my van!
See? That was always the problem with us, Michael. It was always about you.
Jackie... Are you losing your van?
Donna
Wow. Watching Kelso's van sink makes the size of my feet seem... unimportant.
See, Donna? Size doesn't matter.
Donna
Oh. You don't have to tell me.
[chuckles] That's–yeah. Ah, that's my sweet girl.
[walks over to Fez] Fez, I'm cold.
Frankly my dear, I don't give a rat's ass.
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
