[The guys talk about the X-rated film they saw earlier]
Okay, so did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were not completely... average? Like, you know, way, way... above average?
Well, you don't go into that line of work when you're below average. You just pray some hot, redheaded neighbor girl likes you for your personality.
FezWhat are you talking about? Those men were completely average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.
See now, Fez, that's not honest. I mean, we all know you're small in the pants. What I'm saying is, from here on in, I'm only telling the truth. In fact, I'm gonna come clean to Jackie about everything!
Fez
Fine. You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. We are all small in the pants!
Kelso... this might be your best idea ever. You know what? You should make a list of all the lies you've ever told to Jackie. And I'll help you. So all's I really want is for you to be happy.
You guys, honestly. You don't think Donna's, you know... bored, right? 'Cause those guys in the movie, they didn't do the same move twice. And I've done the same move, like... always.
I'll bet they go to a special school or something. I mean, they're like doctors at doing it.
M1Mountie #1
What are you doing in Canada?
What're you doing in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
We're part of an elite high school terrorist team. Strike Force Wisconsin! [Raises hands]
Uh, we just came here to get the beer. And I love Rush. Fly By Night! Ow! [raises arm]
Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?!
Fez
Me no speakas English.
M1Mountie #1
What's your business in Canada?
What's your business in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change? [Looks at both mounties in turn]
Fez
Me no understando.
M2Mountie #2
What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?
Mountie #1 Shut up!
Yeah, I'm here to nail Margaret Trudeau.
Beer. [Pause] Beer! BEER!
Are those snowshoes hard to walk in? They're tennis rackets, aren't they?
Fez
Wee foobie dibbie doobie.
M1Mountie #1
Wee foobie...
M2Mountie #2
Dibbie doobie...
[Fez shows off Ted Nugent shirts he printed for 50 dollars but is curious to why he got called out by Hyde for printing TAD NUGENT]
Because the shirt says Tad.
Fez
Exactly!
But the A should be an E!
Fez
Well, that's not how you spell Tad.
No, that's how you spell Ted.
Fez
[realizing his mistake] Ooohhh...
[gets shirt from Fez and dumps it in the bag] These shirts are useless, now Forman's out 50 bucks!
[at a special birthday party for Hyde, Fez tries to introduce him to someone]
Fez
Hyde, allow me to introduce you to a special lady.
UGUnknown Girl No 1
So we meet every week to pray and discuss Scripture. You in?
UGUnknown Girl No 2
I used to date your dad. Isn't that a turn-on?
UGUnknown Girl No 3
It's not like head cheerleader's always the most talented but in my case, it's true.
UGUnknown Girl No 4
I have to date guys who aren't as good-looking as me, otherwise, I'd never date.
UGUnknown Girl No 5
I know you're really angry and emotionally crippled but that's okay, 'cause my boyfriend's in jail.
UGUnknown Girl No 6
My turn-offs include people who are mean to puppies and people who smoke...or... don't smoke? Or smoke? Wait. Do you smoke?
UGUnknown Girl No 7
Okay. So guess which leg's real.
UGUnknown Girl No 8
I'm so glad I finally got to meet you, 'cause I've, like, always been afraid of you and I like to be scared.
Fez
So? What do you think?
You know, I think, if I time this right I can nail every single one of these girls... tonight.
Fez
No, no, no, no, no. You're supposed to pick just one...to love, not nail. Love.
[The gang sees Fez come back from ballet practice]
Hey, uh, puffy-shirt guy called. He wants his puffy shirt back.
Fez
Things at ballet class have taken a turn for the worse. Somehow, I've become one of the girls...a hairy, brown girl.
Hey, uh, Fez does that shirt come with its own bicycle pump?
You should talk. [points at Eric's striped shirt] That shirt makes you look like a stick of Fruit Stripe gum.
God, what did you have for breakfast this morning? Carnation Instant Bitch?
Okay, that one was out of the park.
[The guys find out Midge left Bob and Donna]
So Midge just... took off?
Fez
Ah, poor Donna.
Yeah, this is really bad.
Yeah. Not only did Donna lose her mom, we all lost Midge's sweet, uptown rack.
Fez
Oh, good God, man. What a marvelous set of kittens! Remember that sweater?
Remember that other sweater?
Yeah. Remember that time she ran up to us in a sweater?
Remember the week she took up jump rope? In a sweater?
[The guys fantasize about Midge]
[snaps them out of their daydream] Eric! What are you boys thinking about so hard?
Fez
Kittens.
[Hyde and Fez have just discovered that Leo actually has no million-dollar inheritance]
Fez
There is no money, you son of a bitch!
Oh, man, I guess all this stuff has to go.
Fez:
[to parrot] That means you, too, Feathered Frank! Good day.
Fez
I said, good day!
Fez
Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, if she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!
Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know. You see, it's bulletproof!
JJill
Why are you friends with him?
I don't know. [starts making out with Jill and Eric appears behind them]
Hyde, what the hell? Why is she in my seat?
I don't know. Heehee, that's a good one, Kelso!
Fez
Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, when she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!
Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know! You see, it's bulletproof!
JJill
[to Hyde] Why are you friends with him?
[Hyde starts making out with Jill. Eric appears behind them]
Hyde, what the hell?! What is she doing in my seat?
I don't know. Hee-hee, that's a good one, Kelso!
JJill
[to Eric] Just sit on the floor.
The floor? You want me to sit on the floor? Visitors get the floor, alright?! And that’s you, Terri Tube-Top! Oh, and by the way, it’s winter!
JJill
[scoffs] You’re a drag. [gets up and leaves the circle]
[sits down next to Hyde and Kelso] Okay, well... Sayonara, Yoko! What? We’re kind of like the Beatles.
[Hyde gets up and leaves the circle]
So, dipping into the frankincense I see? Well, no more of that, okay? We're gonna do this play the way it was meant to be done. And no... spacemen! And anyone who doesn't like that is no Christmas friend of mine.
And we should be a little bit nicer to those of us who want to watch Christmas specials. I mean when Rudolph's nose shone so bright, and Santa realized he could guide the sleigh at night, that was a great moment in American history!
Kelso... Rudolph was small, had a girly voice. And I'm pretty sure he's a little light on the hooves, if you know what I mean.
Fez
Of course he was light on the hooves. He could fly! [realizes the meaning to Hyde's joke] Ohhh! I would have guessed Prancer!
Well, you've all ignored me, so... I'll take that as a resounding vote of confidence. Guys, let's do this thing.
[Pastor Dave suddenly walks inside]
What on God's green earth?!
Oh, I know what you're doing. I recognize that smell from the AC/DC concert. I was handing out leaflets!
Eric Forman, you're fired!
Well, you know what? Fine! [gets up and leaves the circle]
...Rudolph had a girlfriend! Her name was Clarice! She thought he was cute, okay?! If anyone was gay, it was that–that Hermey! I mean, no straight elf has hair like that!
[hugs Fez] Oh, my God, Fez! A tornado? This changes everything. This could be our last night here on Earth!
Fez
Oh, no! I'm going to die a virgin!
Not if I can do something about it!
Fez
You can do what you want. There's a tornado coming!
[speaking separately to Donna, Fez and Hyde] Okay, okay. I saw Jackie making out with the guy from the cheese shop! Little dude!
Yeah! But you're the only one I told so don't say a word to anybody. Okay my little secret squirrel?
Fez
My lips are sealed.
Good. Cause I knew I could count on you.
You always can. Think about it, we hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this!
Oh but just remember you're the only one I told.
DFDonna, Fez and Hyde
Your secret's safe with me.
You guys are not gonna believe this. Jackie cheated on me...with the CHEESE GUY!
...[pretends to be shocked] No!
Yeah. I was just as shocked as you are.
Fez
Thank God all she did was kiss him.
Yeah. Wait... How do you know all she did was kiss him?
Fez
Kiss? Nah, I didn't say kiss. Don't make fun of my accent!
That cheese guy's lucky he's a little fella. Or I'd kick his ass. Just, BOOM! RIGHT IN THE ASS!
[The guys try to pull a prank on Kelso that ends up backfiring]
Kelso, you were supposed to come in through the side door!
Eric, I need you to take out the–
[A bucket of oatmeal dunks on Red’s head as he walks through the side door]
Eric did it because he hates you!
Forman, every man for himself! [runs away]
Dad, this is just a prank that's gone wrong. Horribly... horribly wrong!
Well, I have a prank too... One where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go [gets closer to Eric] HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY... WRONG! I can’t even think of a punishment big enough for this! But trust me, it’s going to be awful! The kind of thing that Harry Truman might order to end a war! [walks upstairs]
Fez
Guys... who’s Harry Truman?
He invented electricity, dumbass.
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
