Okay, Laurie, I know what you told Hyde.
What are you talking about, loser?
The camp story. Doctor Pee Pee. You're dead.
Fez[whispering to Hyde] what's going on?
Well, I know some stuff about you, little lady. Fellas, Laurie here waxes her lips, legs, eyebrows, toes, and shoulder blades.
In the fifth grade, Eric sent away for the Charles Atlas kit 'cause a girl kicked sand in his face.
You stuffed in high school.
Last year Laurie used all of her birthday money to buy a back massager; which isn't fooling anyone, by the way.
Well, that's not as bad as the time I walked in on you in bed with your Dorothy Hamill poster and you were all--
Laurie was born with a tail!
[Fez gasps.]
Yeah! Laurie was born with a tail!
I HATE YOU! [runs upstairs]
It's true. [puts hands together and makes a tail]
[The guys enter a bar]
All right. They didn't even check our fake IDs.
Fez
And I wasted a whole day thinking up my fake name.
Yeah. Sorry, "Pez." Let's drink.
BBud
So, fellas, school let out early?
Uh, I mean, no. No, we're old. We're workers. We're all construction workers. Hey, fellas, did you see that brick today? Whoo!
BBud
Relax, guys. It's "Serve a Minor Night" at the old "Don't Have a Liquor License" Saloon [to Hyde] You look familiar. Do I know you?
I should hope so...Dad. [Kelso, Eric, and Fez are aghast]
[A man goes up to a dark room in the Formans' house, where Fez is. He tries to scare off the man using a camera's flash, but Hyde opens the light. The mysterious man is actually Bob.]
Fez
You can't kill me like you killed Midge, you big doofy!
Kill Midge? I didn't kill Midge. She's in Chicago visiting her sister.
Fez
Oh, really. Then what was in the heavy garbage sacks?
Oh, well I guess that explains the giant knife, the guts all over your apron. Oh, wait, no it doesn't!
Fez
Explain that, killer!
They were pumpkin guts. I was making Jack-o'-lanterns.
Fez
So, you're hiding Midge's body in a jack-o'-lantern. Clever plan.
[walks over to the window] Look, there's Midge now. Not dead or nothing. [Fez sees Midge getting undressed]
Fez
Oh goody! You can go now.
Midgey! No! Cover yourself!
[Fez and Jackie await the results of the Roller Disco competition with Donna and Kelso, who is not pleased]
AAnnouncer
And the winner of Kenosha's Annual Roller Disco Doo-dah is...Jackie Burkhart and...
DJDonna and Jackie
Oh, my God! [Jackie hugs Fez]
I can't believe it! I'm so sorry I doubted you. You...You are my hero...My...my hunky, sexy, foreign skating hero!
Fez
And you are my...my spoiled, whiny skating princess.
Oh, Fez, thank you! [a tournament assistant gives them champagne] Yaaaay, champagne! Yaaay!
Yaaaay! Yaaay! [rubs Jackie's back]
[Shakes off Kelso] Get off me. Kelso, you booed us the entire time.
What? No! That was some rude guy. So I popped him one, and then I was goin', "Ooh," because I hurt my hand when I popped the rude guy. So... you're welcome. You wanna kiss it?
Let's go, Fez [they leave]
Hmm. Come on, Kelso. Look at the bright side.
The bright side is there isn't one. Fez has Jackie, and you have to squeeze out that marble.
[Donna faces Shelly over panties found in Eric's car]
Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
SShelly
Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front.
[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]
So these are some other girl's panties?!
Whoa-whoa-whoa. No offense, Donna- [to Eric] but dude, you're on fire!
SShelly
You know what Eric, I don't need this. [Walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
Donna, look, you have to believe me, I have no idea whose panties those are.
[walks in] Donna, [takes the panties] those panties are mine.
ERIC!! Oh, oh....[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!
[sets Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
Fez
[interrupts Midge] And please be as specific!
Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places. [Kelso and Fez stand up, cringing at the thought]
SShelly
Doesn't your girlfriend mind you spending so much time with me?
Well, no. Apparently, she's thrilled about it.
SShelly
Well, she's crazy. Because if I was your girlfriend, I would wanna kiss you all the time.
[Shelly kisses Eric, who quickly breaks away]
Whoa! Hey, come on, lady! I'm spoken for! [pause; Shelly stares at him] Wow!
[Kelso and Fez run into the Hub]
Hey, did we miss anything?
What? God, no! You didn't miss anything!
[The guys see Donna walk inside]
Alright, people! Let's back up! Give 'em some room here!
Don't "Hey, Donna. Hi, hello," me! I trusted you, and you cheated on me with this slut!
Yeah, I said it! You want some of this?! Come on!
Donna, hey, whatever you think happened–
I know what happened. [holds up panties] I found these in your car!
Fez
A-ha. So he admits they are panties.
[to Shelly] Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
SShelly
Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front.
[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]
So these are some other girl's panties?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No offense, Donna... [to Eric] but dude, you're on fire!
SShelly
You know what, Eric? I don't need this. [walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
Donna, look, you have to believe me. I have no idea whose panties those are.
[walks in] Donna! [takes the panties] Those panties are mine.
ERIC!! OH! OH...[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!
[pulls Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
Fez
[interrupts Midge] And please be as specific!
Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places.
[Kelso and Fez stand up and cringe]
[Since Jackie crashed Kelso's van, Kelso demands an accounting of all expenses incurred during their relationship. Hyde writes down the expenses.]
All right. All right. Jackie... in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.
Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway [starts to take off his shirt]
Fez
Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso...Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart... and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
Well- Uh-W- One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky. And...and....Hyde, help me out here.
Okay. Let me think. Oh. Don't forget he burned your house.
Dude, you burned her house.
[The guys play quarters at Bud's Christmas party]
I miss my funnel. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Eric, drink.
Okay, if I was Tattoo, and I lived on Fantasy Island, my fantasy would be to not be a midget. Am I right? [throws quarter and hits the glass] Hmmm... Eenie, meenie, miney, Forman.
You know, Hyde, at first I thought your dad was a real dirtbag. But I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirtbag and Father of the Year! [throws quarter and hits the table] Damn!
Fez
Fellas, I have to be honest. I've never played quarters before, so I probably stink. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Oh, happy day! Eric.
Man, this is the worst game in the world. I'm so thirsty. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Dammit! Eric, drink!
I mean... he lives on Fantasy Island, man! And he's a midget! It's so obvious! [throws quarter and hits the glass] Hmmm. Mmmmm, Forman!
Does anyone else feel kinda woozy? [throws quarter and hits the table] Oh, what the hell, man?!
Fez
If I make this shot, I promise I will not pick you, Eric. [throws quarter and hits the glass] ...I pick you, Eric. It's fun to lie!
[After Kelso celebrates himself winning and Fez lost while dancing in his van with Jackie, the ground underneath the van starts shaking and both Jackie and Kelso run out quickly as do Eric, Donna and Fez out of the shack to hear what the commotion is]
I dunno, all of a sudden, the van just started shaking!
[Kelso's van slowly sinks down into the icy water underneath the ground, as everyone is astonished by that happening]
[quickly takes off his belt as his van continues sinking] Quick! Everyone, gimme your belts! Together we can pull it out!
[The van makes creaking noises as it splashes out some water towards the group and Eric and Donna quickly back up to their right]
[Eric and Donna refuse to help as Kelso waves his belt at them, telling them to join in, but they still don't want to]
Michael, this is it! This is the sign I was looking for! God doesn't want us to be together!
[At this point, the van is now submerged in the lake]
Who... cares? I'm losing my van!
See? That was always the problem with us, Michael. It was always about you.
Jackie... Are you losing your van?
Wow. Watching Kelso's van sink makes the size of my feet seem... unimportant.
See, Donna? Size doesn't matter.
Oh. You don't have to tell me.
[chuckles] That's–yeah. Ah, that's my sweet girl.
[walks over to Fez] Fez, I'm cold.
Fez
Frankly my dear, I don't give a rat's ass.
[Eric and Donna are giving the others "special" brownies to show that there are no hard feelings about the dine-and-dash.]
Special brownies... Like the special kind of special?
The best kind of special.
[After Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso eat the brownies]
Fez
Something's wrong. I don't feel special.
Yeah. I don't think those were special brownies, man.
Oh, no, no. They're special. Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?
Well, I certainly do, Eric. [brings out a box from a shirt pocket] Chocolate Super-Lax.
[Eric and Donna are giving the others "special" brownies to show that there are no hard feelings about the dine-and-dash]
Special brownies... Like the special kind of special?
The best kind of special.
[After Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso eat the brownies, they start feeling uncomfortable]
Fez
Something's wrong. I don't feel special.
Yeah. I don't think those were special brownies, man.
Oh, no, no. They're special. Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?
Well, I certainly do, Eric. [brings out a box from her shirt pocket] Chocolate Super-Lax!
[The gang, minus Eric and Donna, are shocked]
We so did. And maybe you'll think twice before screwing us. [tosses the box at Kelso as he catches it]
Well, nice try, 'cause I don't feel any– [suddenly he has to go to the bathroom] OH!
[The same starts happening to Jackie, Fez and Kelso]
Fez
Ah!
[The four of them all run up the stairs and they're squirming their way up. Fez can't get up the stairs]
Fez
Oh, no! I am last!
[Fez tries to leave through the other door when his girlfriend, Caroline, runs inside]
Fez
Ai, no!
CCaroline
I know. You're surprised to see me, right? And upset.
Fez
Yes, many things are upset!
[Fez starts anxiously fidgeting and jumping around]
CCaroline
Will you listen, Fez? About last night, I know you were angry.
Fez
Yeah.
CCaroline
And you had every right to be! But you know what this was? Our first fight!
Fez
Yeah!
CCaroline
And it made us a real couple, if you can forgive me.
Fez
Fine! Move away from the door!
CCaroline
So, we're okay? [Fez just groans] Good! Now, let's make up like a real couple.
[She closes her eyes and goes in for the kiss. Fez slowly turns to look at Eric and Donna]
Fez
YOU BASTARDS! [shoves Caroline and runs outside]
[Later, Kelso walks back downstairs to the basement after using the bathroom]
Okay, you guys. That was a wicked burn. I mean, it had all the elements: You didn't see it coming, parts of it really hurt...
Well, Kelso, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Oh, I did. [takes another "special" brownie and eats it] I got my eye on you two. You're not gonna burn me like that again!
Okay, so I'm making out with Pam Macey in the orchestra pit, and everything's progressing like normal. Until...
Fez
What?
You know, the really, really bad thing that can happen to guys when they're with girls.
Fez
Oh, did Mr. Cooper come in to buff the floor?
...No. Okay. Let me put it this way: The buffer wouldn't buff.
Fez
Poor Mr. Cooper.
No, Fez! I think what he's trying to say is... the rabbit wouldn't come out of the hat.
The alphabet soup never spelled, "Go".
Actually, not quite. There are a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.
Forman, man, that was awesome!
Fez
Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants!
Okay! You guys, this is not funny! This is like a nightmare!
Fez
Yes, Eric, stop teasing. Kelso, I want you to know that I feel bad for you. And that I am sorry... YOU ARE NOT A MAN!
[The guys are awaiting their beating in the rival school's locker room]
Now instead of feeling scared and anxious, I feel relaxed, and... relaxed.
Fez
I know we're probably gonna get beaten, but it was worth it. Because we showed we have tremendous school spirit. [pause; starts sobbing] Go Vikings!
School spirit is for losers, man. You're just, like, floating along on a conveyor belt of conformity. Pep rallies, extracurricular activities, washing your hair. It's all just a trap, man!
Yeah, Fez. It's one thing to root for a football team, but to confuse the Point Place Vikings with a sense of personal identity? That's just... relaxing. [starts laughing hysterically] We're all gonna die tomorrow!
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
