Fez quotes from That '70s Show

Kitty

Okay kids it's nighty night time.

Hyde

Night mom!

Fez

That's my mama!

Eric

I love you Fez.

Hyde

I love you more!

Red

I love you the most! Good night, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs put their foot in your ass.

Kitty

Okay boys lights out and no staying up til 8:30 giving each other hugs!

Awwwww!

Eric

Well, I called the lame motel. Fez, you were right. Casey has a reservation for tonight.

Fez

And Hyde, you were right. I cannot keep a secret.

Kelso

Speaking of secrets, look what I found in Jackie's cheese. [holds up piece of paper with...] Some guy Phil's phone number. I–I can't take this anymore. I just know it, Hyde. She's cheating on me again!

Hyde

Kelso, don't jump to conclusions. Maybe I don't care! Forman, man, you gotta be cool about this Donna thing, or she's gonna know you're jealous. You can't be all... Simon and Garfunkely. You gotta get Bruce Springsteeny... Springsteenian... Springsteenicious. ...Wait, what are we talking about?

Eric

Hey, you guys, I am not jealous. I’m just looking out for her. I mean... Donna’s practically a sister to me. A tall, shapely sister. Who I’ve done it with. About a million times.

Hyde

Look, maybe Donna and Casey won’t even do it tonight. I’d call it... 50/50.

Eric

You would?

Hyde

Oh, I’d be wrong. But I’d call it that to keep you from doing something stupid.

Eric

It's true. I'm gonna march over there and talk to Bob... I love a good march. My birthday's in March, then it's on to April. April Showers. Oh, The Seduction Of Eric Forman, starring the insatiable April Showers! [laughs]

Donna

Are you really gonna go talk to my dad for me? Eric, you’re so sweet and brave. Pound for pound, you’re like, the bravest guy in the whole world. I love you so much!

Fez

Well, my candy is safe. But something was up with Jackie. She looked scared, like a deer in the headlights with his pants down.

Kelso

Man, I feel sorry for Jackie. I mean, to have to look at this all day and not be able to touch it? I can’t even do that!

Eric

[to Donna] God, I love you.

Donna

I love you more. [starts making out with Eric]

Fez

Sexy.

Kelso

Hey! You two quit it, okay?! This circle is sacred! You don't do anything in here that you wouldn't do in a church! No, wait... in a cemetery! No, wait... in the teacher's lounge! Man, I've done it everywhere.

Kelso

I can't believe that you knew that Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.

Eric

We...barely knew.

Donna

Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial because it's so unnatural.

Eric

Like radioactive spiders.

Kelso

Well, that's true. It's just, how could Hyde do this to me?

Kitty

Uh-oh, sounds like he knows.

Fez

Finally.

Kelso

What, your mom knew?! And Fez?! Fez never knows anything!

Kitty

Boys, um, um, I realize that, uh, I may have been a little irrational today.

Kelso

A little?

Kitty

SHUT UP! So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, uh, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."

Fez

I'm hooked.

Eric

Fez, I know you've only spoken English for a couple weeks now. But, could you have learned the words, "Don't tell my dad?" "Don't", a contraction meaning, "do not," and "tell my dad", meaning "SHUT UP?"

Fez

Okay, right there! You just told me not to shut up. It's a wonder you're not failing English, too. Crack a book, you lazy son of a bitch!

Eric

Did you hear that? The shrill voice, the bossy tone, the random hatred of all things that bounce. Oh my God, she's Jackie.

Donna

A new Jackie.

Eric

A blonde Jackie.

Blackie!!! [a dramatic chord plays]

Fez

We're doomed!

Eric

Kelso, I need to use your bathroom.

Kelso

Nope, there's nobody here. Of course, I can't see people who don't have parties for their friends and maybe there is somebody here and I just can't see him. I CAN'T SEE YOU, ERIC.

Eric

I really need to use the bathroom.

Fez

Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you kicked us out of Donna's house, you party-pooper.

Kelso

Yeah.

Fez

No party, no pooper.

Kelso

[chuckles] Nice.

Fez

Yeah, it really was. No party, no pooper. [Kelso and Fez slam the door shut.]

Jackie

No way, Fez I can't believe you finally lost your virginity.

Eric

Wait, this isn't like the time you bought a hamster, named it Virginity and then lost it, is it?

Fez

No, this is the real thing.

Kelso

I had a hamster once. Tied him to a helium balloon with a note. He made it all the way to Minnesota.

Eric

Alive?

Kelso

No, I'm gonna send a dead hamster up in a balloon.

Hyde

[laughs] Can't close my mouth. Can you close your mouth? Really startin' to freak me out. Leo's the best.

Kelso

Leo made me a grilled cheese once. He used butter and it made the crust extra toasty. He forgot cheese. I miss that grilled cheese-makin' son of a bitch!

Jackie

You know one time, I heard Leo talking on the phone and he was speaking Chinese. So I said, 'Leo, stop speaking Chinese.' So he turned around...and it wasn't Leo. It was a Chinese guy. Hmm. You know, I'll never forget that.

Fez

I'm just sad I'll never get to see his face when I tell him I did it with Nina. Actually, I'd like to see my face when I do it with Nina. I'll bet I look like a stallion.

Hyde

So today we sit in this circle in honor of Leo. He was my boss. He was my friend. He was my connection. To Leo!

To Leo! [raise beer cans to ceiling]

Fez

I cannot believe you hit a police car.

Kelso

Nah, don't worry. It's a hot lady cop. Yah, just watch the master.

License and registration.

Kelso

Yeah, just give me a sec here. My wallet gets stuck ‘cause I've been workin' out. My leg muscles are huge. Oh boy. By the way, I can bench about 220 so that'd be about - two of you little lady.

What's your name?

Fez

Oh my name is Fez, but I have a girlfriend so you need to cool it little girl.

Yeah, I'll try. Okay Mr. Kelso, I'm gonna issue you a citation. [gives Kelso a ticket]

Kelso

Wooh, a citation for bein' too foxy in a school zone.

No. A citation for 64 dollars. Bench press that.

Fez

You know, I've been called many names since coming to this country, but I've never been treated like that before. [Shakes his head]

Kelso

Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are going to judge you on the color of your skin, or your funny accent, or that girly little way you run. [Fez nods in agreement] But you know what, you're not alone. Why don't you think the Martians won't land here? Cause they're green, and they know people are going to make fun of them.

Fez

You said it brother.I just wish there were someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.

Kelso

Well, thats Canada. [Pause] Yep good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they are too busy playing hockey, or getting drunk, or putting maple syrup on their ham. [Nina walks in]

Fez, we need to talk.

Kelso

Hey, he might not be from this country, but he's beautiful, dammit!

Fez

Nina, our relationship is over. My self respect demands it, and there is nothing you can say to make me change my mind.

Fez, my parents are jerks, and I want to get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.

Fez

[Long pause] Except that. Thanks Kelso! [Kelso pumps his fist in agreement, as Fez and Nina leave]

Eric

[singing along to Anne Murray] "And even though I ain't got money, I'm so..." who am I kidding? After I can't pay for Donna's ring, no one's gonna be in love with me, honey. Must you mock me, Anne Murray?

Hyde

Kelso, because of your pantie shenanigans, I'm banning you from the circle. I hereby ban you! I also hereby eat your burrito. [takes burrito from Kelso]

Kelso

Hey, Hyde. You're not the boss of me! ...Alright. But you can't tell me what to do... shoot. Well, at least I'm still my own man. ...No, I'm not! [gets up and leaves the circle]

Fez

What do you suppose Jackie and Donna are doing in the room right now? Combing each other's hair? Applying moisturizer to their "all-overness"? Oh, to be a fly on that boob.

Eric

All I know is I gotta go tell the woman I love that the ring I gave her for all eternity was actually for only six-and-a-half weeks. Life's more complicated than one of your simple little ditties, isn't it, Anne Murray? Anne Murray. What do you know about hard times? [scoffs] Canada.

Hyde

I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don't want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there'd be nothing left to drink but beer! And the government knows that beer... set us free.

Fez

Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!

Eric

Yeah. Hungry: check. Horny: check. It's getting old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know. 'Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.

Kelso

Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over and I like my free ride!

Hyde

Yeah. We get it. You're good-looking. Doesn't anybody have anything new to say? [nobody responds] So there's this car that runs on water, man.... [the rest of the group angrily pelt Hyde with empty beer cans] It runs on water, man.

Fez

Nina, I thought we were so happy together. What happened?

Fez, right now I'm at a point in my--

Fez

Oh, cut the crap, heart-breaker! I want the truth!

Hey, the truth is you're too needy.

Fez

Too needy? I'm sorry, but a man in his sexual prime has needs. And you are lucky to have such a stallion at your disposal.

No, your needs are fine. It's your neediness that's the problem.

Fez

Then why didn't you say that?

I didn't want you to make a scene.

Fez

You didn't want me to make a scene? You didn't want me to make a scene! [dumps the food basket of the man at the next table] Ha! You dump Fez, I dump fries! There's your scene! [to the man with the basket] Here's a dollar. Sorry about the scene.