Fez quotes from That '70s Show

Fez

I'm so excited about Star Whores.

Hyde

Fez man, it's Star Wars.

Fez

Screw that.

Hyde

Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm going to be super pissed.

Eric

Oh, hey, guys, I heard it was okay.

Kelso

Well, there is no way it's better than the Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.

Eric

Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!

Fez

This is the proudest moment of my life.

Hyde

It doesn't look like a pot leaf.

Kelso

What?

Hyde

It looks like a hand giving the finger.

Kelso

It doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde, it's art.

Hyde

Get up and make it better!

Kelso

Fine!

Hyde

Just make it wider. Yeah, right up there. Out further, though. Yeah, right up there-[Kelso leans to the right and falls off the water tower.]

Jackie

[Gasps] Oh, my God! Michael! [Branches snapping; thud.]

Hyde

Hey, Kelso!

Kelso

[weakly] Yeah?

Hyde

How's it look from down there?!

Kelso

It looks like it's giving me the finger!

Eric

[to Hyde] Do you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like... Lou Reed, man! Do you wanna mess with that?!

Fez

Why do you want to leave Point Place? It is fun!

Hyde

Yeah, it is fun, man. And I’m gonna miss the hell out of you guys... but Chrissy’s cool. And it’s the Big Apple, man! Hey, do you think Lou Reed’s in the phone book? ‘Cause I’d bet he’d really like me.

Kelso

[chuckles] Lou Reed. Where are you goin’? Who’s Chrissy?

Eric

[to Hyde] It’s not so bad here, man. We got the TV, and... peanut butter. [holds up a paddle with no ball] And I got this thing... The ball part rolled under the dryer.

Fez

Hyde, you cannot leave. You gave me my first beer, remember? And then, I threw up on that cop.

Hyde

[laughs] That was a good time, man.

Kelso

Wait a minute. Back up! Nobody tells me anything! What’s the ball doing under the dryer?!

Eric

Hyde's mom is gone, and he is going downhill. I mean, he's sitting over there in the dark eating ketchup off crackers.

Kelso

I ate gum off a parking meter once. But it was on a dare. I made a dollar. Man, there's some suckers out there!

Fez

Crackers and ketchup are "K" words. Which makes them naturally funny.

Donna

[laughing] Oh, my God! I can feel, like, all the molecules in my body! I'm gonna count them! One, two, three...

Eric

[playing with View-Master] You guys disgust me. Doesn't anyone care about Hyde? ...Oh my God, run Scooby! Now, run!

Kelso

You know what's freaking me out? I saw Jackie sick, without makeup. And it was, like, the freakiest thing I've ever seen in my entire, entire life. Including the class trip to the sausage factory.

Fez

Ai, if I never see the inside of another cow, it will be too soon! Jerky?

Donna

Eighteen, nineteen... I have the biggest hands in the world! Dammit! One, two...

Eric

So his mom's gone, and I know he doesn't want any help. But the Donner party didn't get any help, and then they ate each other so... [to Fez] Hey, don't bogart that jerky.

Kelso

Yeah, no parents would be cool! Like The Lord of the Flies!

Eric

Kelso, did you ever finish Lord of the Flies?

Kelso

No. So?

Eric

Nothing. Look, what are we gonna do about Hyde? We should tell someone.

Kelso

What am I gonna do about Jackie? I can't even look at her!

Fez

She's unpleasant when she's healthy, so I can only imagine how she looks like!

Donna

Hey, Kelso... Jackie's my friend. [points finger at him] And you're shallow... [looks at finger] and pathetic. And you know what else? [shows hands] My hands are huge! They're like boxing gloves. [impersonating Muhammad Ali] I am the Greatest!

Eric

Okay, champ. Whatever you—[Donna punches Eric]

Fez

So you're telling me, if were to go to up to someone's house and say "trick or treat!" they would give me a free piece of candy?

YES!!!

Fez

Oh I don't believe you!

Fez

Trick or treat! [person drops an apple into Fez' bag] An apple? Where's my candy you son of a bitch?!

Hyde

Wait a minute, you're 18?

Kelso

Yeah. That's why I always seemed more mature than you guys.

Hyde

You mean to tell me this whole time you could have been buying us beer?!

Fez

[Gasps] You bastard.

Kelso

Well, Eric ruined your life.

Hyde

And if I had a beer, I'd be getting over it right now.

Jackie

Ummm...may I have your attention please?! I would like to introduce to you all the new Michael Kelso! [applauds as Kelso runs up the driveway]

Kelso

Yeah..sooo, what do you think?! Yeah, Jackie says it makes me look like Marlon Brando in The Wild Ones. [mimics Brando voice] Yeah, I'm so Brando!

Hyde

Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie!

Kelso

What are you even saying?

Hyde

I think you know what I'm saying... [imitating Fonzie] 'EYYY!!

Kelso

Jackie, did you dress me up like the Fonz?

Jackie

No Michael, I did not dress you up like the Fonz! Although, I mean, I like the Fonz you know he's kinda...

Kelso

Fez?! Fonz, yes or no?

Fez

Well you know me Kelso, I just want you to be happy.

Kelso

Thank you Fez!

Fez

Now, if I could just have a moment of your time...?

Kelso

Sure!

Fez

Good, yes. Okay a gang of thugs has taken over Arnold's! Help us Fonzie, you are our only hope!

Kelso

I can't believe you guys! Here I am, as Brando as can be, and you guys can't even see that! Well you can both just...

Hyde

Sit on it? [Kelso runs off, with Jackie following him]

Jackie

Say it.

Kelso

I do not keep secrets from you.

Jackie

Again.

Kelso

I do not keep secrets from you.

Jackie

Again.

Kelso

I do not keep secrets from you.

Fez

Aiiii SHUT UP! I am going insane! Kelso, if you want to possess a woman, this is what you need to do [takes Jackies hand] I as a mortal, am not worthy of your love, you are a goddess, and I worship you. And I dedicate every moment of my waking life to your joy...

Kelso

[takes Jackie's hand] Okay, what he said!

Jackie

Oh Michael! [kisses Michael while Fez wears Stupid Helmet and hits the table]

Kelso

[While in the circle] But I was just amusing myself, you know? And that's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself.

Fez

Unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off. It's almost Tuesday, right?

Kelso

I have a right to bear arms, that's in the Constitution!

Fez

Well Kelso, not everything in the Constitution makes sense.

Eric

Whoa, Fez, shut up.

Red

[overhears remark] What did you say?

Fez

Nothing.

Red

[grumbles] Foreigners...

Fez

Ok, here we go. [spins the spinner] Right hand blue. [does game behind the couch.]

Eric

Fez, you can't play Twister by yourself.

Fez

That's where you're wrong, my friend. [pause] Right leg green. Oh, that's gonna be tough. [leg appears above the couch, then he slowly puts it back down]

Hyde

Hey, Fez, man. The circus called. They said they'd pay you fifty bucks a week if you can kiss your own ass.

Fez

Take a message.

Hyde

Look, man. If God had meant for virgins to lose it to other virgins, he wouldn't have given us middle-aged hookers, man!

Fez

Amen, brother! Because if there's one thing men like us know, it's how to have sex. ...Oh, I cannot live with this lie. Everyone, prepare to be shocked. I, Fez...am still a virgin.

Eric

[sarcastically] Gosh, my world no longer makes sense. Fine, Hyde. But now that the middle-aged hooker ship has sailed, what am I supposed to do?

Kelso

Well, I know I got a lot better when I started making out with your sister. I got it! You should make out with my sister!

Hyde

Kelso, man, I've seen your sister. She's a virgin, and she's gonna be for a long time.

Kelso

Hyde, what are you saying?

Eric

Well, I think he's saying... "Moooo!"

Fez

Okay, maybe you did not hear me. Fez, the man you all revere... has still not had sex.

Hyde

Yeah, heard you the first time. Forman, you've gotta figure out what you're doin' wrong, man. And fast. You know what women call guys who are lame in the sack? Just friends.

Kelso

Yeah, but you can't let the pressure get to you. I mean, don't think about how embarrassing it'd be if you tried, and you couldn't. How she'd stare at you with those cruel black eyes. As if to say... "You're not really a man, Michael! YOU'RE NOT A MAN AT ALL!"

Eric

[pause] O...kay. Well, this has been... really helpful, guys.

Fez

Alright, you called my bluff. I am not really a virgin. [chuckles] ...Yes, I am.

Fez

Hello my lovelies, I am Julie. Which one of you is Hot-To-Trot?

Julie?

Fez

[turns around] Yes? [sees attractive girls walk up to him]

You made it! I'm Hot-to-Trot.

I'm Foxy Lady!

And I'm Nice-and-Easy!

Fez

You're not fat. Or old at all!

Of course not! We're gymnasts.

Fez

Dear, Penthouse... [girls smile]

Kelso

"I didn't mean to cheat, but she forced me. Downright coerced me." [pauses] That's kinda good. [writes lyrics]

Eric Forman

Man, I just asked her (Donna) for a root beer.

Fez

You tried to control her Eric, and the women always controls the men.

Kelso

That's true.

Eric

Donna does not control me!

Fez

Oh Eric, you have so much to learn, my friend.

Kelso

I wish Jackie was still controlling me. I love being on a short leash. [pauses, and strums guitar again] "Put the SHORT LEASH BACK ON ME!"

Eric

Kelso, uh, let me see that for a second. [picks up guitar and smashes it on table]

Kelso

[laughs] You know that was kind of funny, that was your guitar. [pauses] BURN!

Kelso

So, did you kiss her? 'Cause I'll kill you if you kissed her.

Fez

No, I didn't want to kiss her. I wanted to hand her a napkin... There was not a moment when she didn't have a face full of food. I was disgusted.