[The guys have been talking about women and their physical features, but whenever Red and Kitty walk by, they switch to talking about the Bible.]
Hey Kelso, quick question. Why can't you date someone a little less annoying?
What about Barbara Vanson?
Nah, she's just as annoying as Jackie.
Yeah, but her boobs are huge.
[opens up Playboy] Do you find that annoying?
[laughs] ...Pam Macey! Now she's got some knockers, baby!
True, but they're not bigger than Barbara's.
You're dreaming. It's like comparing... [sees Red walk in] Exodus and Deuteronomy, both of which have taught us very valuable lessons.
RedDamn dryer's broke. Aw, nuts. I need my vicegrips.
[The guys wait until Red leaves]
Have you seen Pam in a tube top? It's like looking into the Grand Tetons. In a tube top!
Look, the issue isn't, "Are Pam's big?" Right? The issue is, "Are they bigger than Barbara's?" Because Barbara's are bigger than... [sees Kitty walk in] the walls of Jericho, which as we all know came tumbling down, right?! ...Hello, Mrs. Forman.
Hi. Eric, did your father come down here?
Yeah, he's fixing the dryer.
Oh, dear. You know, ever since the plant cut back his hours, he's spent all his time fixing things. Things that don't need fixing! Things I need, things I use, things I love. I gotta go hide the crockpot.
[The guys wait until Kitty leaves]
[to Eric] Sounds like your dad is losing it.
Geez, if he's like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...[loudly as Red walks in]...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses; turns around and sees Red behind him] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.
Red
Kelso, go home.
[Red and Bob are investigating the wine store when a kid tries to snitch on the party]
SKSleazy Kid
You know, I may have heard something about a party? Can't recall, but maybe ... Andrew Jackson could remind me?
Andrew Jackson, huh? [Counts dollar bills] He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. I suppose they have knowledge of the festivities? [Red suddenly grabs the money]
Red
So, a real wiseguy, huh. Well, let's see how smart you are when I [gets closer to kid] SNAP OFF YOUR HEAD!
SKSleazy Kid
Okay, okay, man! They said something about a ... a vacant house on Sherman.
I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.
Red
Good work, Starsky. Let's roll.
[Donna leaves after finding out that Eric kissed Laurie's friend, Kate]
Hey Donna, you wanna talk?
I guess she didn't take it well.
Red
Take what well? [looks at Kelso]
[smiles] Eric made out with Kate.
Red
Anything else?
[Red berates Eric over kissing Kate]
Red
Donna's such a sweet kid. How could you do this to her?
I don't know. It's like bad things always happen to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Red
[slowly] Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you ... is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it!
[Red and Eric visit Rocky Johnson in his locker room]
Red
I wonder if you'd mind giving my son an autograph.
MManager
[cuts off Red] No, no autographs.
Red
Look, I might be the only guy in here who's actually killed a man.
MManager
Give the kid an autograph and then no more autographs.
RJRocky Johnson
You know that's really nice, bringing your kid to a wrestling match. You know what, I got a son, and one day he's gonna become The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment!
Red
Yeah, well, good luck with that. Uh, wanna make that out to Red Forman.
No, no, I don't think so. It's Eric Forman, capital E-R-I-C.
Red
Yeah but see, his nickname is Red.
Red
Stop kidding around, Red.
Red
Damn good thing I went with him. He wanted to buy a leisure suit.
Come on, Dad. Leisure suits are cool. Everybody wears them.
Red
Leisure suits are for dumbasses. Believe me.
[Bob walks in wearing a leisure suit]
[Eric seeks advice from Red and Bob about fighting David because he is hitting on Donna]
Red
The bridge of the nose, it's very vulnerable.
Oh, and hit him with a banjo.
Red
[exasperated] A banjo, Bob?
Red
Where is he gonna get a banjo?
I don't know. But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down!
Red
Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty. [to Eric] You can hit him in the groin.
You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.
[Eric is approaching his parents bedroom. Music can be faintly heard through their door. He opens it, but freezes in shock to see his parents in the throes of sexual intercourse. We only see Eric's face. He is horrified.]
Red
Oh, Kitty~!
[As they continue, Eric quietly closes the door and sheepishly walks away. We see him quickly heading down the stairs where his friends are.]
[sheepishly] Okay, let's go. Everybody hop in the car and let's... go now.
[grabbing Kelso by the collar, screaming] SHUT UP! DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER!
[Kitty and Red are trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York]
Red
We don't think that you should go.
New York is a dangerous place.
Red
A young man today needs a high school diploma.
In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.
Red
Do you have any idea what the job market is like?
The people are rude. And you have feelings.
Red
Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.
They spit. That's right, they spit!
Red
What're you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?
I'm not afraid of anything and I'm going!
Red
Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty.
[Red, Kitty, Bob, and Midge get stoned in the basement after eating Hyde's special brownies]
Red
You know... I'm glad the plant is closing. It frees me up to do my own thing.
[laughing] You said, "Do my own thing!"
Oh Red, your own thing. That's so hip!
[eating chips] I love salt.
Red
I like that word, hip. It kinda pops, you know? Hip, hip, hip. I can see my own mouth!
You know what’s beautiful? Fruitcake. All the different colored little fruits living together in one cake.
I jumped out of a cake once.
I also like sweet, but there's just something about salt.
Red
Hip... It starts to lose its meaning after a while, you know? Hip. It's not even a word.
[as someone knocks on the door] Oh my God, listen, you can hear my heart! Oh my God, there it is again!
No, that's someone at the door.
Red
It's just someone for the garage sale. Take whatever you want! It won’t fill the hole in your life! [pause; the knocking continues] I’ll see who it is [gets up to answer the door].
You know, for a terrible grouch, Red is great in bed.
[starts laughing] I'm sorry, what?
Red
[singing] Hippity hoppity, Easter's on its way!
Red
Well, I was hopping down the old bunny trail, and this guy offered me $200 for the Vista Cruiser. So I sold it to him.
You sold Eric's car? Oh, no. [laughs hysterically]
[Kitty is driving Red, Eric, Hyde, and Fez back home after a long last-day binge. The guys are singing Wylie Hubbard's Up Against The Wall, Redneck Mother]
Okay, you know what? Let's turn that off. [switches radio off]
[To Red] Hey, I got Amy's phone number.
Red
Good for you, Steven.
I hope she's still pretty tomorrow.
Okay, you know what? Let's just turn that Redneck Mother song back on! [Gang resumes singing]
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
