Red Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Kitty

Eric, you've hardly touched your breakfast.

Eric

That's because I don't know what it is.

Kitty

Well, it's just, it's eggs and hash and some…surprises!

Eric

Mom, why aren't you eating it?

Kitty

Well, I just, I have never been a breakfast person.

Hyde

Is this rabbit?

Kitty

No!

Laurie

Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?

Kitty

Laurie, it is not dog food. And God, I hope so.

Red

[walks in dressed in a suit and tie] So: would you hire me?

Laurie

I'd hire you, Daddy! Especially if the position was world's best father.

Red

So, what does she need to do to get back into school?

Well, she'll have to work with me. Make a commitment...to school. She'll really have to buckle down.

Kitty

Hahahaha! Well what do you think Laurie, are you willing to give it a go?

Eric

Oh, huhuh, mother she's very willing. You know Dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today. In the garage.

Laurie

[thoughts] Burst into flames, burst into flames, BURST INTO FLAMES!

Eric

It was just...it was so surprising.

Hyde

Oh Eric, do tell!

Eric

I saw Laurie....

I'm in love with your daughter! [long pause; Red and Stark get up from the table and walk towards each other] Dad!

Red

That's it! Come here!! [Chases Stark out of the room]

And now, another episode of Point Place.

Red

My god Kitty. What have I become?

Kitty

I don't know. You're not the man I married! And I'm not Kitty.

Red

[faces her] What are you saying?

Kitty

I am Kitty. But I am leaving you for Dr. Cloak. Or should I say, [faces camera] Eric's real father.

Red

But why?

Kitty

He has a job. What do you have, Red Forman? What do you have?

Red

[dramatically bites his fist] I've got nothing. [Kitty cries] Dear God. Will I ever work again? [puts his face in his hands, sobs, and peers through his fingers.]

Kitty

Penny for your thoughts.

Red

Well, one thing I'm thinkin' - I've gotta stop watchin' the damn soaps.

Red

Well, that's kind of stupid, Bob.

Bob

Well, I guess the truth hurts.

Red

So does a swift kick in the ass.

Bob

All right, I'm going. But a swift kick in the ass is not the solution to everything, Forman!

Red

I gotta disagree, Bob!

Eric

Uh, Dad... thanks for...

Red

KEEP SWEEPING, SMOKER!

Red

Damn it all to hell!

Kitty

Honey, what's wrong?

Red

"What's wrong?" EVERYTHING is wrong! These damn kids today, they wouldn't know responsibility if it walked up and BIT 'EM IN THE ASS! "Get a job?" HA! It's just party all night, dance all day, and sex everywhere in between! SICKENING! [leaves the kitchen]

Kitty

[unfazed] Laurie's living with a boy?

Eric

Yes.

Kitty

Just... just one boy, right?

Eric

Yeah, I think so.

Kitty

Well now, see, it could've been worse.

Eric

This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.

Red

Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?

Eric

Because he had a smart mouth?

Red

That's right.

Kelso

I have a right to bear arms, that's in the Constitution!

Fez

Well Kelso, not everything in the Constitution makes sense.

Eric

Whoa, Fez, shut up.

Red

[overhears remark] What did you say?

Fez

Nothing.

Red

[grumbles] Foreigners...

Eric

[to Red] Look at him. He's magnificent. He's the king of the forest, just like...Bambi's dad. It's beautiful.

Red

[shoots deer] Yeah, and I bet he tastes beautiful, too. [before going down to collect the deer] Oh, and just for the record, Eric, I'm the king of the forest.

Hyde

I'll be in the basement.

Kitty

No, you sit!

Hyde

Oh, sure, when things get ugly, suddenly I'm family!

Laurie

Not to me, freak.

Hyde

You are so going to end up in porno!

Kitty

[sees a grumpy Red walk in] Hi honey! [Red walks over to the bar and begins pouring a drink]

Eric

Right to the bar. Not a good sign.

Red

What are you all looking at? Don't you think that...Price Mart's new supervisor deserves a drink?

Kitty

Yay!

Red

Yeah, I got it!

Eric

Hey, congratulations, Dad.

Red

Thanks, Eric. Oh, and you're fired.

Eric

What, you can't do that!

Red

Yes I can! You're fired!

Eric

Hey, you know what? I'm not fired.

Red

Ok, if it's so important to you, you're not fired. But if your grades start to slip, you are fired! I love saying that!

Hyde

God help the poor bastards who work for you, huh?

Eric

[laughs] Wait, uh, I work for you.

Red

I know!

Kitty

No hair?

Red

None...well, a little.

Kitty

Well what are we talking about here Red? Is it Ed Asner bald or Charlie Brown bald?

Red

Geez Kitty, I don't know. I barely looked.

Kitty

Ok I need a visual aid. [gets a Wooly Willy]

Red

It was so uncomfortable. I mean, a toupee is a pretty big lie, Kitty.

Kitty

Ok here, show me on Wooly Willy. [watches Red sketching] Uh huh, ok, uh huh [Red shakes the board so all the hair falls off Wooly Willy to show her the final product]

Kitty

[astonished] Really.

Eric

Hey, do you wanna go see Close Encounters sometime?

Kitty

Oh, I'd love to.

Eric

Very cool. Good night, Mom. [kisses Kitty on cheek before going to the kitchen. Red walks in as Kitty starts to cry.]

Red

Oh, what'd he do? I swear I'll kick his ass!

Red

How stupid do you think I am? We know what you were doing in the car.

Kitty

No. We don't know.

Red

Yes we do.

Kitty

No. We don't know.

Laurie

[cheering] I do!

Eric

Of course you do! You...majored in it!

Eric

What the...?

Red

You're moving it a foot and you hit something. Jeez.

Eric

Oh my God! Its... Its Mr. Bonkers.

Red

Wow. That is one dead cat.

Red

Come on Pearl, there's a Bucks game on!

[enthusiastically gets out of rest room and heads to her chair] The Bucks, huh?

Kitty

[comforts Red] Well, now see? This is nice.

The only thing that keeps me alive is watching the Bucks lose! PPPT!

Red

[Unenthusiastically]: Go Bucks.

Red

Eric, bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm gonna-

Eric

[as he logs the boxes in a clipboard] -kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah yeah yeah...