[At the Forman kitchen, Kelso tells Laurie that they must break up]
KelsoI don't wanna live with this lying anymore. Because I only love Jackie.
Okay. So, do you wanna go up to my room and have sex?
Kelso
Uh...sure! [Realizes what he's doing] No, wait! No! [releases Laurie and turns around so his back is to the kitchen's garage entrance] No! Okay, I...this...Laurie, I...I'm serious. We're over.
Wow. I think you really mean it.
Kelso
I totally do.
[sees Jackie just outside the garage] Okay, Kelso, you're free! You know what I'd like, though? Just one last goodbye kiss.
Kelso
Um...okay, well sure. [kisses Laurie. Jackie is shocked and rushes in]
Kelso
[lets go of Laurie] Jackie! We were...[Jackie runs away] No, there was...
Wow, how ironic, huh? [leaves the room. Kelso bangs his head against the wall]
[Kelso continues to write his song and practice the chords]
Kelso
"I didn't mean to cheat, but she forced me. Downright coerced me." [pauses] That's kinda good. [writes lyrics]
Man, I just asked her (Donna) for a root beer.
You tried to control her Eric, and the women always controls the men.
Kelso
That's true.
Donna does not control me!
Oh Eric, you have so much to learn, my friend.
Kelso
I wish Jackie was still controlling me. I love being on a short leash. [pauses, and strums guitar again] "Put the SHORT LEASH BACK ON ME!"
Kelso, uh, let me see that for a second. [picks up guitar and smashes it on table]
Kelso
[laughs] You know that was kind of funny, that was your guitar. [pauses] BURN!
[Red talks to Kelso in the garage over his relationship with Laurie]
What you want to do is fly in under my radar, so that if I don't see you and Laurie together, or even mention her name in the same breath, I might just forget that you even exist, got it?
Kelso
Yeah, so if you mean me and Laurie -
Oh no, now, you just mentioned my daughter's name.
Kelso
Ok, so if Kelso and your daughter -
No no, see...that's not gonna work either.
Kelso
This is hard, Red!
Yeah, you're gonna be here 'till you get it right, Kelso!
Kelso
Okay Red, but eventually my parents are gonna come looking for me.
[threatening voice] Yeah, but they're not gonna find ya! Oh, that's another joke. Come on laugh, Kelso! [Kelso begins to cry]
[Hyde scans pictures of Jackie's yearbook copy when he sees something]
Oh my God, someone in the crowd is mooning! [gang rushes to see it.] You're all cheering away and all the time you're getting mooned, yeah!
Oh, my God, that's a girl butt. There's girl butt in the yearbook. Oh man, I can't tell who it is, I wish we had a magnifying glass.
Kelso
[whips out a magnifying glass] Here you go. [Gang looks back at him.] I was just playing with some bugs.
God, I can't believe it, someone's nasty butt is in my picture.
Oh my God, that's not girl butt...that's Donna's butt! [Kelso, Hyde and Fez look at a pleased Donna, and then at her butt]
[Flashback]
I am so baked! I think. No, yeah I am... I think.
Young Kelso
You know guys, I've been living my life all wrong. All I ever thought about was school. Studying, reading, homework... well, that's over! Thanks, Hyde.
Hey, man, don't thank me. Thank my mom. If she hadn't have passed out, I couldn't have raided her stash.
Young Kelso
You have the best mom ever!
Hey, guys, you know what? Yesterday, I was wrestling with Donna, and I felt her boob! It was beautiful... and squishy.
Young Kelso
Squishy... Hey, guys! I had this dream that I was kissing my English teacher. And when I woke up, I was stuck to my bed. [chuckles]
Kelso, man, that's not normal. You could die. ...Hey, isn't your English teacher a guy?
Young Kelso
Yeah. ...No, I meant my Spanish teacher. She's a girl. Man, what's in this stuff?
Hey guys. I'm having the best time ever. I think. No, yeah I am.
[The guys enter a bar]
All right. They didn't even check our fake IDs.
And I wasted a whole day thinking up my fake name.
Yeah. Sorry, "Pez." Let's drink.
BBud
So, fellas, school let out early?
Kelso
Yeah. We're just....
Kelso
Uh, I mean, no. No, we're old. We're workers. We're all construction workers. Hey, fellas, did you see that brick today? Whoo!
BBud
Relax, guys. It's "Serve a Minor Night" at the old "Don't Have a Liquor License" Saloon [to Hyde] You look familiar. Do I know you?
I should hope so...Dad. [Kelso, Eric, and Fez are aghast]
[The gang think of ways on how to spend their Halloween. Kelso has an idea.]
Kelso
You know what would be fun? If we were in an Alfred Hitchcock movie right now, and we didn't know it. And then, someone one told us and we were all like, “Oh man! I'm in a movie!" [Hyde, Kelso, Donna, Eric, Jackie, and Fez individually give surprised looks to the camera]
Yeah, ok, I'm out of here.
[Fez and Jackie await the results of the Roller Disco competition with Donna and Kelso, who is not pleased]
AAnnouncer
And the winner of Kenosha's Annual Roller Disco Doo-dah is...Jackie Burkhart and...
DJDonna and Jackie
Oh, my God! [Jackie hugs Fez]
Kelso
Fix! Fix!
I can't believe it! I'm so sorry I doubted you. You...You are my hero...My...my hunky, sexy, foreign skating hero!
And you are my...my spoiled, whiny skating princess.
Oh, Fez, thank you! [a tournament assistant gives them champagne] Yaaaay, champagne! Yaaay!
Kelso
Yaaaay! Yaaay! [rubs Jackie's back]
[Shakes off Kelso] Get off me. Kelso, you booed us the entire time.
Kelso
What? No! That was some rude guy. So I popped him one, and then I was goin', "Ooh," because I hurt my hand when I popped the rude guy. So... you're welcome. You wanna kiss it?
Let's go, Fez [they leave]
Hmm. Come on, Kelso. Look at the bright side.
Kelso
What's the bright side?
The bright side is there isn't one. Fez has Jackie, and you have to squeeze out that marble.
[Donna faces Shelly over panties found in Eric's car]
Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
SShelly
Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front.
[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]
So these are some other girl's panties?!
Kelso
Whoa-whoa-whoa. No offense, Donna- [to Eric] but dude, you're on fire!
SShelly
You know what Eric, I don't need this. [Walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
Donna, look, you have to believe me, I have no idea whose panties those are.
[walks in] Donna, [takes the panties] those panties are mine.
Kelso
ERIC!! Oh, oh....[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!
[sets Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
[interrupts Midge] And please be as specific!
Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places. [Kelso and Fez stand up, cringing at the thought]
SShelly
Doesn't your girlfriend mind you spending so much time with me?
Well, no. Apparently, she's thrilled about it.
SShelly
Well, she's crazy. Because if I was your girlfriend, I would wanna kiss you all the time.
[Shelly kisses Eric, who quickly breaks away]
Whoa! Hey, come on, lady! I'm spoken for! [pause; Shelly stares at him] Wow!
[Kelso and Fez run into the Hub]
Kelso
Hey, did we miss anything?
What? God, no! You didn't miss anything!
[The guys see Donna walk inside]
Kelso
Alright, people! Let's back up! Give 'em some room here!
Don't "Hey, Donna. Hi, hello," me! I trusted you, and you cheated on me with this slut!
Yeah, I said it! You want some of this?! Come on!
Donna, hey, whatever you think happened–
I know what happened. [holds up panties] I found these in your car!
A-ha. So he admits they are panties.
[to Shelly] Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
SShelly
Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front.
[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]
So these are some other girl's panties?!
Kelso
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No offense, Donna... [to Eric] but dude, you're on fire!
SShelly
You know what, Eric? I don't need this. [walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
Donna, look, you have to believe me. I have no idea whose panties those are.
[walks in] Donna! [takes the panties] Those panties are mine.
Kelso
ERIC!! OH! OH...[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!
[pulls Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
[interrupts Midge] And please be as specific!
Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places.
[Kelso and Fez stand up and cringe]
[Since Jackie crashed Kelso's van, Kelso demands an accounting of all expenses incurred during their relationship. Hyde writes down the expenses.]
All right. All right. Jackie... in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.
Kelso
Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway [starts to take off his shirt]
Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso...Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart... and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
Kelso
Well- Uh-W- One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky. And...and....Hyde, help me out here.
Okay. Let me think. Oh. Don't forget he burned your house.
Kelso
Hyde.
Dude, you burned her house.
[The guys play quarters at Bud's Christmas party]
Kelso
I miss my funnel. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Eric, drink.
Okay, if I was Tattoo, and I lived on Fantasy Island, my fantasy would be to not be a midget. Am I right? [throws quarter and hits the glass] Hmmm... Eenie, meenie, miney, Forman.
You know, Hyde, at first I thought your dad was a real dirtbag. But I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirtbag and Father of the Year! [throws quarter and hits the table] Damn!
Fellas, I have to be honest. I've never played quarters before, so I probably stink. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Oh, happy day! Eric.
Kelso
Man, this is the worst game in the world. I'm so thirsty. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Dammit! Eric, drink!
I mean... he lives on Fantasy Island, man! And he's a midget! It's so obvious! [throws quarter and hits the glass] Hmmm. Mmmmm, Forman!
Does anyone else feel kinda woozy? [throws quarter and hits the table] Oh, what the hell, man?!
If I make this shot, I promise I will not pick you, Eric. [throws quarter and hits the glass] ...I pick you, Eric. It's fun to lie!
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
