Michael Kelso quotes from That &#039;70s Show

Ooh, it's kinda cold.

Here, take my jacket.

I love you.

God, we are such a... perfect couple.

I'm cold, too.

Kelso

Well, damn, Jackie. I can't control the weather!

S3 E10 Ice Shack

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[After Kelso celebrates himself winning and Fez lost while dancing in his van with Jackie, the ground underneath the van starts shaking and both Jackie and Kelso run out quickly as do Eric, Donna and Fez out of the shack to hear what the commotion is]

Guys, what happened?

Kelso

I dunno, all of a sudden, the van just started shaking!

Uh... guys?

[Kelso's van slowly sinks down into the icy water underneath the ground, as everyone is astonished by that happening]

Kelso

[quickly takes off his belt as his van continues sinking] Quick! Everyone, gimme your belts! Together we can pull it out!

[The van makes creaking noises as it splashes out some water towards the group and Eric and Donna quickly back up to their right]

Kelso

COME ON!

[Eric and Donna refuse to help as Kelso waves his belt at them, telling them to join in, but they still don't want to]

Michael, this is it! This is the sign I was looking for! God doesn't want us to be together!

[At this point, the van is now submerged in the lake]

Kelso

Who... cares? I'm losing my van!

See? That was always the problem with us, Michael. It was always about you.

Kelso

Jackie... Are you losing your van?

No!

Kelso

THEN SHUT UP!

Wow. Watching Kelso's van sink makes the size of my feet seem... unimportant.

See, Donna? Size doesn't matter.

Oh. You don't have to tell me.

[chuckles] That's–yeah. Ah, that's my sweet girl.

[walks over to Fez] Fez, I'm cold.

Frankly my dear, I don't give a rat's ass.

S3 E10 Ice Shack

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[Eric is trying to connect new speakers in his car]

Where's the tunes, Forman?

I learned how to speak English faster than this.

Kelso

It's not real English if you speak it with a foreign accent.

S3 E12 Fez Gets The Girl

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[The gang is not pleased that Kelso's planning to bail on the check at the Vineyard.]

Michael, I have never dined and dashed, and I'm not about to start now.

Kelso

Uh, well... Remember when we went to nice restaurants and I told you to wait in the car while I paid? Did you ever wonder why I was running to the car?

Oh, my God. I'm a thief.

I think technically you're an accessory.

Which should make you happy, because you love accessories, earrings, bracelets, bangles, bows...

Shut up!

S3 E13 Dine and Dash

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[Eric and Donna are giving the others "special" brownies to show that there are no hard feelings about the dine-and-dash]

Special brownies... Like the special kind of special?

The best kind of special.

[After Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso eat the brownies, they start feeling uncomfortable]

Something's wrong. I don't feel special.

Me, neither.

Yeah. I don't think those were special brownies, man.

Oh, no, no. They're special. Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?

Well, I certainly do, Eric. [brings out a box from her shirt pocket] Chocolate Super-Lax!

[The gang, minus Eric and Donna, are shocked]

Kelso

You didn't.

We did.

We so did. And maybe you'll think twice before screwing us. [tosses the box at Kelso as he catches it]

Well, nice try, 'cause I don't feel any– [suddenly he has to go to the bathroom] OH!

[The same starts happening to Jackie, Fez and Kelso]

Ugh!

Ah!

Kelso

AAAAGGHHH!!!!

[The four of them all run up the stairs and they're squirming their way up. Fez can't get up the stairs]

Oh, no! I am last!

[Fez tries to leave through the other door when his girlfriend, Caroline, runs inside]

Ai, no!

CCaroline

I know. You're surprised to see me, right? And upset.

Yes, many things are upset!

CCaroline

Okay, listen.

[Fez starts anxiously fidgeting and jumping around]

CCaroline

Will you listen, Fez? About last night, I know you were angry.

Yeah.

CCaroline

And you had every right to be! But you know what this was? Our first fight!

Yeah!

CCaroline

And it made us a real couple, if you can forgive me.

Fine! Move away from the door!

CCaroline

So, we're okay? [Fez just groans] Good! Now, let's make up like a real couple.

[She closes her eyes and goes in for the kiss. Fez slowly turns to look at Eric and Donna]

YOU BASTARDS! [shoves Caroline and runs outside]

[Later, Kelso walks back downstairs to the basement after using the bathroom]

Kelso

Okay, you guys. That was a wicked burn. I mean, it had all the elements: You didn't see it coming, parts of it really hurt...

Well, Kelso, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Kelso

Oh, I did. [takes another "special" brownie and eats it] I got my eye on you two. You're not gonna burn me like that again!

I love our friends.

Me too.

S3 E13 Dine and Dash

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Kelso

Okay, so I'm making out with Pam Macey in the orchestra pit, and everything's progressing like normal. Until...

What?

Kelso

You know, the really, really bad thing that can happen to guys when they're with girls.

Oh, did Mr. Cooper come in to buff the floor?

Kelso

...No. Okay. Let me put it this way: The buffer wouldn't buff.

Poor Mr. Cooper.

No, Fez! I think what he's trying to say is... the rabbit wouldn't come out of the hat.

The weasel wouldn't pop.

The alphabet soup never spelled, "Go".

Kelso

OKAY! ALRIGHT, ENOUGH!

Actually, not quite. There are a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.

Forman, man, that was awesome!

It just came to me.

Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants!

Kelso

Okay! You guys, this is not funny! This is like a nightmare!

Yes, Eric, stop teasing. Kelso, I want you to know that I feel bad for you. And that I am sorry... YOU ARE NOT A MAN!

S3 E16 Romantic Weekend

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[The guys talk about the X-rated film they saw earlier]

Okay, so did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were not completely... average? Like, you know, way, way... above average?

Well, you don't go into that line of work when you're below average. You just pray some hot, redheaded neighbor girl likes you for your personality.

What are you talking about? Those men were completely average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.

Kelso

See now, Fez, that's not honest. I mean, we all know you're small in the pants. What I'm saying is, from here on in, I'm only telling the truth. In fact, I'm gonna come clean to Jackie about everything!

Fine. You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. We are all small in the pants!

Kelso... this might be your best idea ever. You know what? You should make a list of all the lies you've ever told to Jackie. And I'll help you. So all's I really want is for you to be happy.

You guys, honestly. You don't think Donna's, you know... bored, right? 'Cause those guys in the movie, they didn't do the same move twice. And I've done the same move, like... always.

Kelso

I'll bet they go to a special school or something. I mean, they're like doctors at doing it.

S3 E19 Eric's Naughty No-No

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M1Mountie #1

What are you doing in Canada?

Leo

What're you doing in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]

We're part of an elite high school terrorist team. Strike Force Wisconsin! [Raises hands]

Uh, we just came here to get the beer. And I love Rush. Fly By Night! Ow! [raises arm]

Kelso

Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?!

Me no speakas English.

M1Mountie #1

What's your business in Canada?

Leo

What's your business in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]

We're... getting beer.

Kelso

Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change? [Looks at both mounties in turn]

Me no understando.

M2Mountie #2

What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?

Leo

What's your re-

Mountie #1 Shut up!

Yeah, I'm here to nail Margaret Trudeau.

M1Mountie #1

Been there.

M2Mountie #2

Done that.

Beer. [Pause] Beer! BEER!

Kelso

Are those snowshoes hard to walk in? They're tennis rackets, aren't they?

Wee foobie dibbie doobie.

M1Mountie #1

Wee foobie...

M2Mountie #2

Dibbie doobie...

S3 E23 Canadian Road Trip

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[Kelso joins WFPP's contest, where a van is at stake]

Kelso

Oh-ho, man! Oh, I hope I win this van. I really need a place to do it with Jackie.

MMax

Okay. Listen up everybody. The rules are simple. You place one hand on the van. If you remove your hand for any reason, you're out. Last person to remove his hand wins the van. Any questions? [A guy lifts his hand from the van to stick it up] You're out. Any other questions?

DDaniel

[cuts in] Don't start without me, Max.

MMax

Oh God.

DDaniel

[walking up to Bob and Kelso] Hello. My name is Daniel and I have won every WFPP contest since the Weber Gas Grill Trampoline Bounce of 1972. I am unbeatable, so the choice is yours: joy or despair...pleasure or pain...life...or death. [spits in his hand and slams it on the van] I am Daniel! And I cannot be beaten.

S4 E4 Hyde Gets a Girl

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[The gang sees Fez come back from ballet practice]

Kelso

Hey, uh, puffy-shirt guy called. He wants his puffy shirt back.

Things at ballet class have taken a turn for the worse. Somehow, I've become one of the girls...a hairy, brown girl.

Hey, uh, Fez does that shirt come with its own bicycle pump?

You should talk. [points at Eric's striped shirt] That shirt makes you look like a stick of Fruit Stripe gum.

God, what did you have for breakfast this morning? Carnation Instant Bitch?

Okay, that one was out of the park.

S4 E5 Bye-Bye Basement

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[The guys find out Midge left Bob and Donna]

Kelso

So Midge just... took off?

Ah, poor Donna.

Yeah, this is really bad.

Yeah. Not only did Donna lose her mom, we all lost Midge's sweet, uptown rack.

Oh, good God, man. What a marvelous set of kittens! Remember that sweater?

Kelso

Remember that other sweater?

Yeah. Remember that time she ran up to us in a sweater?

Remember the week she took up jump rope? In a sweater?

[The guys fantasize about Midge]

Kitty

[snaps them out of their daydream] Eric! What are you boys thinking about so hard?

Nothing.

Homework.

Kelso

Jesus.

Kittens.

S4 E6 The Relapse (1)

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[Kelso and Eric are trying to read the number on Eric's hand}]

Kelso

72936.... ampersand?

Oh yeah maybe. I'm not really sure how to dial that though.

Kelso

You just [points to phone] ...oh man me neither.

S4 E7 Uncomfortable Ball Stuff (2)

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[Jackie goes through photos of other women]

Ugly, fat, whorey, old, whorey, old, four-eyes, ugly, fat.

Kelso

Oh, this one's kinda cute. [Jackie hits him] AH! I mean, for a fatty. [Jackie hits him again...] AH! I mean for a... whore? [...and again] AHH! Damn, Jackie! What do you want me to say?!

S4 E7 Uncomfortable Ball Stuff (2)

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[The gang discuss Kelso's selection as talent for Red's Price Mart stockboy video]

You know, I wasn't that worried about Donna and my mom talking about me but now that I'm all paranoid I'm all, like paranoid. I mean, when did it become okay for them to be friends?

Right after your father replaced you with a semi-literate pretty boy.

Kelso

That's me. So, I've been thinking about great actors to model myself after and I choose Travolta.

Kelso...I can think of no better way to impress Red than by acting like Travolta in his industrial film. Bravo, man. [claps hands]

That is good advice. Man, I don't want Donna and my mom talking about me.

Yeah, and Donna's a big mouth. Like, she told me how you wore makeup to last year's class picture.

What? Ha, I did not! I did not. I had a zit. Stop looking at me.

Forman, you and I are both victims of parental abandonment. Luckily, I have a rich hippie benefactor. He bought me nudie mags I'd never even heard of.

Kelso

[impersonating Travolta as Tony Manero] Yeah, I stock this shelf! But someday I'm gonna dance across this whole city. [back to own voice] That's dead-on.

S4 E9 Forgotten Son

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Hey guys, I have news. Turns out Stacey doesn't even like me.

Kelso

Yeah we kinda expected that.

Thought you said you had news.

Yeah here it comes; She likes Red. [Kelso, Hyde, and Donna laugh]

Oh my God!

Kelso

Oh...You're gonna have to leave town!

Why?

Kelso

Obviously we're gonna tell everyone!

Eric Tell me this, how'd the 50-year-old guy get the girl? Look at me I'm an attractive man. [the others look skeptical; to Donna] Well I got you.

Technically I got you. And then you blew it.

Hyde Which means you didn't lose it cause you never had it. See? There's your silver lining.

Eric you have a lot of good qualities. I mean you're funny, like... Well what just happened to you is funny. [the gang cracks up again]

That chick likes Red because he's a tough guy, a hard ass. You? You're soft.

DKDonna and Kelso

How soft is he Hyde?