Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!
This is the proudest moment of my life.
It doesn't look like a pot leaf.
KelsoWhat?
It looks like a hand giving the finger.
Kelso
It doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde, it's art.
Get up and make it better!
Kelso
Fine!
[Kelso gets up on the railing and takes the paint brush.]
Just make it wider. Yeah, right up there. Out further, though. Yeah, right up there-[Kelso leans to the right and falls off the water tower.]
[Gasps] Oh, my God! Michael! [Branches snapping; thud.]
Kelso
[weakly] Yeah?
How's it look from down there?!
Kelso
It looks like it's giving me the finger!
[Eric is approaching his parents bedroom. Music can be faintly heard through their door. He opens it, but freezes in shock to see his parents in the throes of sexual intercourse. We only see Eric's face. He is horrified.]
[As they continue, Eric quietly closes the door and sheepishly walks away. We see him quickly heading down the stairs where his friends are.]
[sheepishly] Okay, let's go. Everybody hop in the car and let's... go now.
Kelso
Where's your mom?
[grabbing Kelso by the collar, screaming] SHUT UP! DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER!
[to Hyde] Do you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like... Lou Reed, man! Do you wanna mess with that?!
Why do you want to leave Point Place? It is fun!
Yeah, it is fun, man. And I’m gonna miss the hell out of you guys... but Chrissy’s cool. And it’s the Big Apple, man! Hey, do you think Lou Reed’s in the phone book? ‘Cause I’d bet he’d really like me.
Kelso
[chuckles] Lou Reed. Where are you goin’? Who’s Chrissy?
[to Hyde] It’s not so bad here, man. We got the TV, and... peanut butter. [holds up a paddle with no ball] And I got this thing... The ball part rolled under the dryer.
Hyde, you cannot leave. You gave me my first beer, remember? And then, I threw up on that cop.
[laughs] That was a good time, man.
Kelso
Wait a minute. Back up! Nobody tells me anything! What’s the ball doing under the dryer?!
Hyde's mom is gone, and he is going downhill. I mean, he's sitting over there in the dark eating ketchup off crackers.
Kelso
I ate gum off a parking meter once. But it was on a dare. I made a dollar. Man, there's some suckers out there!
Crackers and ketchup are "K" words. Which makes them naturally funny.
[laughing] Oh, my God! I can feel, like, all the molecules in my body! I'm gonna count them! One, two, three...
[playing with View-Master] You guys disgust me. Doesn't anyone care about Hyde? ...Oh my God, run Scooby! Now, run!
Kelso
You know what's freaking me out? I saw Jackie sick, without makeup. And it was, like, the freakiest thing I've ever seen in my entire, entire life. Including the class trip to the sausage factory.
Ai, if I never see the inside of another cow, it will be too soon! Jerky?
Eighteen, nineteen... I have the biggest hands in the world! Dammit! One, two...
So his mom's gone, and I know he doesn't want any help. But the Donner party didn't get any help, and then they ate each other so... [to Fez] Hey, don't bogart that jerky.
Kelso
Yeah, no parents would be cool! Like The Lord of the Flies!
Kelso, did you ever finish Lord of the Flies?
Kelso
No. So?
Nothing. Look, what are we gonna do about Hyde? We should tell someone.
Kelso
What am I gonna do about Jackie? I can't even look at her!
She's unpleasant when she's healthy, so I can only imagine how she looks like!
Hey, Kelso... Jackie's my friend. [points finger at him] And you're shallow... [looks at finger] and pathetic. And you know what else? [shows hands] My hands are huge! They're like boxing gloves. [impersonating Muhammad Ali] I am the Greatest!
Okay, champ. Whatever you—[Donna punches Eric]
So you're telling me, if were to go to up to someone's house and say "trick or treat!" they would give me a free piece of candy?
EDEric, Donna, Hyde, Kelso, and Jackie
YES!!!
[Cutaway to Fez at someone's door dressed as Batman]
Trick or treat! [person drops an apple into Fez' bag] An apple? Where's my candy you son of a bitch?!
[Person slams door in his face]
Wait a minute, you're 18?
Kelso
Yeah. That's why I always seemed more mature than you guys.
You mean to tell me this whole time you could have been buying us beer?!
Kelso
Well, Eric ruined your life.
And if I had a beer, I'd be getting over it right now.
[Jackie introduces a leather-jacketed Kelso to Hyde and Fez]
Ummm...may I have your attention please?! I would like to introduce to you all the new Michael Kelso! [applauds as Kelso runs up the driveway]
Kelso
Yeah..sooo, what do you think?! Yeah, Jackie says it makes me look like Marlon Brando in The Wild Ones. [mimics Brando voice] Yeah, I'm so Brando!
Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie!
Kelso
What are you even saying?
I think you know what I'm saying... [imitating Fonzie] 'EYYY!!
Kelso
Jackie, did you dress me up like the Fonz?
No Michael, I did not dress you up like the Fonz! Although, I mean, I like the Fonz you know he's kinda...
Kelso
Fez?! Fonz, yes or no?
Well you know me Kelso, I just want you to be happy.
Kelso
Thank you Fez!
Now, if I could just have a moment of your time...?
Kelso
Sure!
Good, yes. Okay a gang of thugs has taken over Arnold's! Help us Fonzie, you are our only hope!
Kelso
I can't believe you guys! Here I am, as Brando as can be, and you guys can't even see that! Well you can both just...
Sit on it? [Kelso runs off, with Jackie following him]
Kelso
I do not keep secrets from you.
Kelso
I do not keep secrets from you.
Kelso
I do not keep secrets from you.
Aiiii SHUT UP! I am going insane! Kelso, if you want to possess a woman, this is what you need to do [takes Jackies hand] I as a mortal, am not worthy of your love, you are a goddess, and I worship you. And I dedicate every moment of my waking life to your joy...
Kelso
[takes Jackie's hand] Okay, what he said!
Oh Michael! [kisses Michael while Fez wears Stupid Helmet and hits the table]
Kelso
[while in the circle] Man, I'm having a horrible day. Laurie's gone, and now Jackie's all suspicious of me. And I'm getting no lovin'. None! I can't be me without lovin'!
Kelso... if you wanna keep Jackie, man–and trust me, you don't–you gotta act innocent. Okay? Let's practice. So, did you fool around with Laurie?
Kelso
You know I did!
Dumbass! No, man! Complete denial! Watergate, learn! [sighs] ...Did you fool around with Laurie?
Kelso
Yeah. Wait, no! I mean, no! Wait, I mean... yeah? Oh, see, this isn't gonna work!
[Kelso is insisting on firing his hunting rifle while in Red's car on the way to a hunting lodge]
Kelso
I have a right to bear arms, that's in the Constitution!
Well Kelso, not everything in the Constitution makes sense.
[overhears remark] What did you say?
[Kelso tries to find food in the Formans' cupboards.]
Actually, Kelso. You know what really makes you horny? Beets.
Kelso
Yeah, right.
Nah, it's true, I saw it on 60 Minutes, man. Beet farmers with like, ten, 15 kids.
Kelso
Man, how's come everything that's good for you always tastes so bad? [gets can opener and tries to open can of beets] I'm trying it!
[enters kitchen] Michael, honey, don't eat our beets! [gets can]
You know, Michael, Mrs. Forman's right. You're horny enough as it is. Sometimes, I wish you had two girlfriends. [gang looks at her]
Kelso
Oh my God, are you serious?
Kelso
Nothing!
Look, man. If God had meant for virgins to lose it to other virgins, he wouldn't have given us middle-aged hookers, man!
Amen, brother! Because if there's one thing men like us know, it's how to have sex. ...Oh, I cannot live with this lie. Everyone, prepare to be shocked. I, Fez...am still a virgin.
[sarcastically] Gosh, my world no longer makes sense. Fine, Hyde. But now that the middle-aged hooker ship has sailed, what am I supposed to do?
Kelso
Well, I know I got a lot better when I started making out with your sister. I got it! You should make out with my sister!
Kelso, man, I've seen your sister. She's a virgin, and she's gonna be for a long time.
Kelso
Hyde, what are you saying?
Well, I think he's saying... "Moooo!"
Okay, maybe you did not hear me. Fez, the man you all revere... has still not had sex.
Yeah, heard you the first time. Forman, you've gotta figure out what you're doin' wrong, man. And fast. You know what women call guys who are lame in the sack? Just friends.
Kelso
Yeah, but you can't let the pressure get to you. I mean, don't think about how embarrassing it'd be if you tried, and you couldn't. How she'd stare at you with those cruel black eyes. As if to say... "You're not really a man, Michael! YOU'RE NOT A MAN AT ALL!"
[pause] O...kay. Well, this has been... really helpful, guys.
Alright, you called my bluff. I am not really a virgin. [chuckles] ...Yes, I am.
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
