Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, if she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!
Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know. You see, it's bulletproof!
JJill
Why are you friends with him?
I don't know. [starts making out with Jill and Eric appears behind them]
EricHyde, what the hell? Why is she in my seat?
I don't know. Heehee, that's a good one, Kelso!
Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, when she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!
Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know! You see, it's bulletproof!
JJill
[to Hyde] Why are you friends with him?
[Hyde starts making out with Jill. Eric appears behind them]
Eric
Hyde, what the hell?! What is she doing in my seat?
I don't know. Hee-hee, that's a good one, Kelso!
JJill
[to Eric] Just sit on the floor.
Eric
The floor? You want me to sit on the floor? Visitors get the floor, alright?! And that’s you, Terri Tube-Top! Oh, and by the way, it’s winter!
JJill
[scoffs] You’re a drag. [gets up and leaves the circle]
Eric
[sits down next to Hyde and Kelso] Okay, well... Sayonara, Yoko! What? We’re kind of like the Beatles.
[Hyde gets up and leaves the circle]
I don't want to play Joseph as a carpenter. Oh! How about I play him as a spaceman?
Eric
Kelso, I don't think Jesus was the son of a spaceman.
Really? Well, where do you think God lives?
It's true, man. [Points upward]
Eric
So, dipping into the frankincense I see? Well, no more of that, okay? We're gonna do this play the way it was meant to be done. And no... spacemen! And anyone who doesn't like that is no Christmas friend of mine.
And we should be a little bit nicer to those of us who want to watch Christmas specials. I mean when Rudolph's nose shone so bright, and Santa realized he could guide the sleigh at night, that was a great moment in American history!
Kelso... Rudolph was small, had a girly voice. And I'm pretty sure he's a little light on the hooves, if you know what I mean.
Of course he was light on the hooves. He could fly! [realizes the meaning to Hyde's joke] Ohhh! I would have guessed Prancer!
Eric
Well, you've all ignored me, so... I'll take that as a resounding vote of confidence. Guys, let's do this thing.
[Pastor Dave suddenly walks inside]
What on God's green earth?!
Eric
Pastor Dave, I was just—
Oh, I know what you're doing. I recognize that smell from the AC/DC concert. I was handing out leaflets!
Eric
No, but I wasn't—
Eric Forman, you're fired!
Eric
Well, you know what? Fine! [gets up and leaves the circle]
...Rudolph had a girlfriend! Her name was Clarice! She thought he was cute, okay?! If anyone was gay, it was that–that Hermey! I mean, no straight elf has hair like that!
[Eric has scheduled a date with Penny at the basement]
Eric: Good evening, milady. 11 o'clock on the nose.
PPenny
Well, we're all alone. I told Hyde to amscray for a while. So go ahead, take off your robe. [Eric takes off his robe, wearing a t-shirt and his underpants. He and Penny sit closely on the couch as Red and Kitty enter basement]
PPenny
[jumps up from the couch] Don't Eric! Don't!
Eric
No, I was...
Eric, step away from your cousin.
Eric
No, she's not my cousin. She was adopted.
Eric
Wh-What? What? She's lying!
Eric, I saw her mother give birth to her. Now what is going on?
Eric
I'm... sleepwalking?
And I'm about to be sleepkicking your ass.
PPenny
Eric, what kind of person would lie about something as serious as being adopted?
Eric
A liar who specializes in adoption lies: You. A mean, vindictive person.
PPenny
Like someone who would trap someone in a revolving door?
Eric
Yes! Ohh. Mom, Dad, can... can Penny and I be alone for a minute?
No! I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.
Eric
No. Look, I just want to apologize to Penny.
Fine. When you're done, you head right upstairs. I'm having Pastor Dave come over for an emergency house call.
[The guys are at the Hub looking through their school yearbook]
Eric
Okay, you guys, which one of these lucky ladies gets to go out with Point Place High's Most Eligible Viking?
Start with the gymnastics team, but go with the second string. Just as limber, but with somethin' to prove.
Eric
How about her?
Yeah, I made out with her once.
Eric
Okay, I don't want my tongue where Kelso's tongue has been.
Oh, you better stay away from your mom, then. [laughs; Eric hits him] I was kidding!
[Kitty finds out Red was high when he said "I love you" to Eric]
Red, you big old softie! Did anything special happen yesterday? Between you and Eric?
Special? Well, let's see... The dentist called with a cancellation, so I went in and the sadistic son of a bitch found a cavity. The next thing I know, I'm hopped up on drugs and he's taking a jackhammer to my jaw. I spent the rest of the day in a fog.
Oh, no. Oh my God! You don't remember what you said to Eric?!
Kitty, I don't even remember how I got home.
[Eric walks in]
Eric
Alright, Dad. Look, I tried to figure out the right words and then I realized I just gotta say it, so...
Eric
Mom, please. Dad, I...
[in slow motion] Stop! He was drugged!
Eric
...love you.
[Kitty turns to a shocked Red]
Eric
[speaking separately to Donna, Fez and Hyde] Okay, okay. I saw Jackie making out with the guy from the cheese shop! Little dude!
Eric
Yeah! But you're the only one I told so don't say a word to anybody. Okay my little secret squirrel?
Eric
Good. Cause I knew I could count on you.
You always can. Think about it, we hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this!
Eric
Oh but just remember you're the only one I told.
DFDonna, Fez and Hyde
Your secret's safe with me.
[Flashback to 1968]
Young Eric
Thanks for walking me home, Steven. That redheaded girl hits really hard.
Some advice: Never let a girl stand on your head like that. Bad for the rep.
Young Eric
Okay, Steven.
Young Eric
Thanks, Hyde. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if my last name was Seek? You know, "Hyde and Seek"?
That's stupid... And you owe me a quarter.
[Eric hands it to him, then Kitty and Red come out from the house.]
Well, now, who do we have here?
Young Eric
This is Hyde.
Oh, you have a new little friend! Red, get the camera!
I'm not his friend. I'm a hired gun.
Kitty, don't embarrass the boy!
Well, don't be silly! It's nice to have a new friend. Especially one who's so... dirty! [laughs] You know what's fun? [goes to bathroom, where Hyde and Eric are bathing together, Eric looks at his father with a "why?" look]
I'm sorry, son. [leaves the room]
If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll kill you. [Eric offers him a rubber duck, Hyde smacks it out of his hand.]
[Returns to the present]
[Red is doused with oatmeal because of a botched prank on Kelso]
Eric
Dad, this is just a prank that's gone wrong. Horribly...horribly wrong!
Well, I have a prank too...one where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go [gets closer to Eric] horribly, HORRIBLY... WRONG!
[The guys try to pull a prank on Kelso that ends up backfiring]
Eric
Kelso, you were supposed to come in through the side door!
Eric, I need you to take out the–
[A bucket of oatmeal dunks on Red’s head as he walks through the side door]
Eric did it because he hates you!
Eric
Hyde!
Forman, every man for himself! [runs away]
Eric
Dad, this is just a prank that's gone wrong. Horribly... horribly wrong!
Well, I have a prank too... One where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go [gets closer to Eric] HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY... WRONG! I can’t even think of a punishment big enough for this! But trust me, it’s going to be awful! The kind of thing that Harry Truman might order to end a war! [walks upstairs]
Guys... who’s Harry Truman?
He invented electricity, dumbass.
[Red summons Eric over the 'Vette]
Eric
Um, you wanted to see me?
Did you take my car out last night?
Eric
No.
I know you didn't. Guess how I know! I stuck a hair across the ignition.
Eric
A hair acro... You know, someday I'm gonna use that on my son.
Anyway, since I know I can trust you, I'm gonna let you drive it.
Eric
I finally get to drive it? Wow! Okay, uh, where does the key go?
Eric
Okay [starts the car, but the radio blares loud rock. He turns the car off] And I'm grounded.
For a month! Why did you do it?
Eric
To impress this cheerleader.
No kidding? ... Well, then make it two weeks. So uh, you gonna see her again?
Eric
Well, can I have the car again?
Ohh, she's that girl. I know that girl. Stay away from that girl.
[calling out from the kitchen] Hey, Forman, your mom wants to talk to you. She wants to know why you drank all of Red's beer.
Eric
You know what? Let's just call it a month.
[Fez is having another fantasy where he is part of the Forman family]
Okay kids it's nighty night time.
Eric Night mom.
Eric
I love you Fez.
I love you the most! Good night, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs put their foot in your ass.
Okay boys lights out and no staying up til 8:30 giving each other hugs!
Oh, guys, Fez's concert's about to start. Which means we have three more hours without his sorry ass! Let's eat his candy!
Yeah. [imitating Fez] "My name is Fez, I love candy! Whore! Good day! I said good day!"
Eric
Yeah, and the best part is that idiot actually thinks I'm his friend. [chuckles] Like I care! I wish he were dead. Oh, hey, we should kill him!
No, I got a better idea. Let's sing without him.
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
