Eric Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Eric

Well, I called the lame motel. Fez, you were right. Casey has a reservation for tonight.

Fez

And Hyde, you were right. I cannot keep a secret.

Kelso

Speaking of secrets, look what I found in Jackie's cheese. [holds up piece of paper with...] Some guy Phil's phone number. I–I can't take this anymore. I just know it, Hyde. She's cheating on me again!

Hyde

Kelso, don't jump to conclusions. Maybe I don't care! Forman, man, you gotta be cool about this Donna thing, or she's gonna know you're jealous. You can't be all... Simon and Garfunkely. You gotta get Bruce Springsteeny... Springsteenian... Springsteenicious. ...Wait, what are we talking about?

Eric

Hey, you guys, I am not jealous. I’m just looking out for her. I mean... Donna’s practically a sister to me. A tall, shapely sister. Who I’ve done it with. About a million times.

Hyde

Look, maybe Donna and Casey won’t even do it tonight. I’d call it... 50/50.

Eric

You would?

Hyde

Oh, I’d be wrong. But I’d call it that to keep you from doing something stupid.

Bob

And then I told Donna she was grounded, and she said no.

Kitty

She said no?

Eric

Can you do that?

Red

No.

Bob

I need your help, Red. I gotta get Donna away from that guy.

Eric

Oh, Dad. You know what's good? Threaten her with the ol' foot in the ass.

Kitty

[in response to Donna dating Casey Kelso] Y'know, that Casey. How can such a bad influence live in such a handsome package? Bad people should have a, a, a big scar or an eyepatch so you can recognize them.

Bob

The problem is, you know there's a, a point where your kids realize you can't do nothing to control them.

Eric

There is?

Red

No, now stop listening. Bob, I don't want to get involved. I've got enough problems with the 14 kids who think they live here now.

Red

Let me get this straight. Donna wanted to get back together... and you said No?

Eric

I said No.

Red

You said No!

Kitty

... Dumbass!

Eric

Look, I have my reasons.

Kitty

[agitated] What could they be? What could they possibly be?

Eric

Casey dumps her, and she comes to me? OK, I'm not a rebound!

Red

So you're too proud to take her back? And what do you have to be so proud of? You're not an athlete, the only smart thing about you is your mouth... and just look at you!

Kitty

Red, he looks fine. He's just so darn stupid.

Red

Oh, would you stop! Luke Skywalker this, Luke Skywalker that, I'm sick and tired of hearing about that little fruit!

Eric

Luke Skywalker is NOT!!!...He and Leia clearly-I... [calms down] Mom, Dad. This is important.

Red

No. No California. You know what's important?: School. You're gonna be a senior, and you need to buckle down.

Kitty

Luke Skywalker would have buckled down.

Donna

What the hell!

Jackie

Oh, my God.

Eric

I'm blind!

Jackie

Get off me! [pushes Hyde away]

Hyde

[to Donna] Great outfit.

Jackie

So, yeah. What exactly did you guys see?

Eric

You, him, hands, tongues. It was horrible!

Donna

You were like Siamese twins joined at the beard.

Eric

It's true. I'm gonna march over there and talk to Bob... I love a good march. My birthday's in March, then it's on to April. April Showers. Oh, The Seduction Of Eric Forman, starring the insatiable April Showers! [laughs]

Donna

Are you really gonna go talk to my dad for me? Eric, you’re so sweet and brave. Pound for pound, you’re like, the bravest guy in the whole world. I love you so much!

Fez

Well, my candy is safe. But something was up with Jackie. She looked scared, like a deer in the headlights with his pants down.

Kelso

Man, I feel sorry for Jackie. I mean, to have to look at this all day and not be able to touch it? I can’t even do that!

Eric

[to Donna] God, I love you.

Donna

I love you more. [starts making out with Eric]

Fez

Sexy.

Kelso

Hey! You two quit it, okay?! This circle is sacred! You don't do anything in here that you wouldn't do in a church! No, wait... in a cemetery! No, wait... in the teacher's lounge! Man, I've done it everywhere.

Eric

Hey, I was just inside with Mom and she's really upset. I just want to know...what's your problem?

Red

[turns to Eric] You made me bald.

Eric

What?

Red

Five generations...not one bald head in my family. Then you came along, and - Well, look at it! [shows off baldness] Children make me bald. [goes back to car]

Eric

You know what, wear a hat. [Red turns around] 'Cause Mom is really scared, and she could really use a little damn support right now. And I don't usually tell you what to do 'cause you usually do the right thing, but this time, you didn't. You know how you're always telling me to be a man? Well, be a man! [walks back to house, but faces Red again] I made you bald? You made me skinny!

Kelso

I can't believe that you knew that Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.

Eric

We...barely knew.

Donna

Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial because it's so unnatural.

Eric

Like radioactive spiders.

Kelso

Well, that's true. It's just, how could Hyde do this to me?

Kitty

Uh-oh, sounds like he knows.

Fez

Finally.

Kelso

What, your mom knew?! And Fez?! Fez never knows anything!

Kitty

You know who had a real family? The Waltons. We're just three strangers sitting in a room! [Runs out of room crying]

Eric

Donna loves it there. I don't know what to do.

Red

There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed. You think I like being stuck here...nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can't control what happens to us. Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna...eventually, she's gonna turn into that [Kitty]. And then, a few years later, you'll die.

Eric

Good. Thanks for the bedtime story.

Hyde

So, Forman, you finally broke down, huh? What'd you get her? Earrings? A little bracelet?

Eric

No, I got her way more than a piece of jewelry. I got her a gift that really says something - a diamond engagement ring.

Kelso

As a joke?

Eric

No, you guys, I'm gonna ask Donna to marry me.

Kelso

As a joke?

Eric

Man, everyone's down on me and Donna getting engaged. You guys, my parents... even the magic 8 ball said, "Outlook not so good." I just... Look, I really think Donna would love an engagement ring.

Hyde

Oh, she'll love the ring. It's the thought behind it that'll send her running for the hills. Or maybe she'll see how smart it is to get married when you're still in high school and have no money or future.

Kelso

I know I ran when Jackie wanted to marry me. Except I ran for California instead of the hills. I mean the beach kicks the hills' ass! There's way more bikinis and they usually have a snack bar!

Eric

Maybe you guys are right. What if she thinks I'm moving too fast? Man, giving her this ring is a huge gamble. Am I man enough to make that bet? No! No! The answer is no!

Hyde

You see, Forman? You try to do a nice, thoughtful thing and you screw it yourself. It's all about expectations, man. Like, I've taught Jackie to think I'm rude and inconsiderate. I can't disappoint her because I'm always disappointing her!

Eric

And if I don't give Donna the ring, what'll I do at the water tower? Oh, God! [puts on the Stupid Helmet] I do deserve this!

Eric

[To Schatzi] Hey Schatzi, stay away from my witch sister. Her and her witch friends have been known to sacrifice small animals. Oh, and possibly that one asthmatic neighbor boy.

Kitty

Eric, little Wally moved away.

Eric

A six-year-old moved away? His parents still live in that house!

Eric

Fez, I know you've only spoken English for a couple weeks now. But, could you have learned the words, "Don't tell my dad?" "Don't", a contraction meaning, "do not," and "tell my dad", meaning "SHUT UP?"

Fez

Okay, right there! You just told me not to shut up. It's a wonder you're not failing English, too. Crack a book, you lazy son of a bitch!

Red

Well, I'm glad. That guy makes Republicans look like a bunch of crooks and greedy businessmen.

Eric

[sarcastically] Thank God for the honest ones like Richard Nixon, huh?

Red

What did you say?

Eric

Nixon was framed and Kennedy was a commie!

Red

That's right.

Eric

Watch the gun, Cool Hand Luke.

Kelso

[stands up] Relax. Guns don't just go off by accident.

Donna

Oh really? What about Eric's fourth-grade hamster, Snowball?

Eric

What? No, Snowball didn't get shot. He went upstate to live with a nice farm family. [catches on] You shot Snowball?!!

Kelso

The gun went off by accident!