Eric Forman quotes from That '70s Show

What are you doing in Canada?

Leo

What're you doing in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]

Hyde

We're part of an elite high school terrorist team. Strike Force Wisconsin! [Raises hands]

Eric

Uh, we just came here to get the beer. And I love Rush. Fly By Night! Ow! [raises arm]

Kelso

Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?!

Fez

Me no speakas English.

What's your business in Canada?

Leo

What's your business in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]

Eric

We're... getting beer.

Kelso

Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change? [Looks at both mounties in turn]

Fez

Me no understando.

What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?

Leo

What's your re-

Hyde

Yeah, I'm here to nail Margaret Trudeau.

Been there.

Done that.

Eric

Beer. [Pause] Beer! BEER!

Kelso

Are those snowshoes hard to walk in? They're tennis rackets, aren't they?

Fez

Wee foobie dibbie doobie.

Wee foobie...

Dibbie doobie...

Donna

If we're meant to be together, then we'll end up together.

Eric

No. The way we end up together is by saying we'll be together and then...being together.

Donna

Eric come on, we're together now. Isn't that enough?

Eric

NO! I mean [walks away then faces Donna] I mean, DAMN Donna! If you can see a future for yourself without me, and that doesn't, like, break your heart, then we're not doing what I thought we're doing here and you know what? Maybe we shouldn't even be together at all!

Donna

[after short pause] Are you breaking up with me?

Eric

Are you giving back that ring?

Donna

Yes.

Eric

Then, yes. [Donna leaves ring on hood.]

Ow!

Oh, oh, Jake, honey, honey. Be nice to your big brother. He's not strong like you.

Eric

Brother? What the hell?

Your parents finally had the son they always wanted.

Now, son, what do we call Eric?

Dumbass!

There's my boy! [Red and Kitty laugh]

[hears real-life version of himself, who just witnessed the alternate Eric and Donna admit their feelings] Oh, wait a minute. You actually had a relationship with Donna?

Eric

Wait, I thought you said he couldn't hear me.

I'm loose with the rules, so sue me.

No, seriously, you had Donna?

Eric

Look, we broke up. You're much better off.

Says you! Look at me. I'm 28 years old! I've only had sex with Big Rhonda, and all three times, believe me, she did not look like that! [Points to Big Rhonda, who has a very sexy body]

Eric

Idiot. You're sad you were never with Donna? Well, you got off light, man! I had her and I lost her, and believe me, you don't wanna know how bad that hurts! [storms out of reunion hall]

So, you're an angel, right? Is there any thing you can do to help me?

Alright, listen closely: NO!

Eric

Hey.

Donna

'Hey'? Is that all you have to say to me?

Eric

Well, what do you have to say to me?

Donna

Huh. How about this? 'Hey.'

Eric

I'm not wrong!

Donna

You are wrong, you dill-hole! [walks off]

Eric

Oh, great. That's nice. That's really mature. Double dill-hole! [to himself] Double dill-hole?!

Red

There were times that I thought I would never get over her, but time passed. I moved on, and then the day came when I didn't think about her as much, then a couple more days came along when I thought of her even less. Then one day I didn't think about her at all... and then that made me sad.

Eric

We've got a little Irish in us, don't we, Dad?

Red

Yes, we do.

Eric

It's just... hurts.

Red

Listen, I'm gonna give you a few days to pull yourself together. You could stay in bed, watch TV, whatever you need to do.

Eric

Thank you, Dad. Not that it matters, but... Donna didn't dump me. I broke up with her.

Red

Whatever you need to tell yourself to make it better.

Donna

Oh, right. Paul McCartney and Wings are on tonight. [sits down]

Eric

[paces around] Okay, so... Okay, we're all here now. So... So, Donna, you're staying?

Donna

Okay.

Eric

What I meant to say was... Look, Donna, I don't think it's cool if you hang out here.

Donna

So, what, you're like, kicking me out? ... Wow. Okay then. Bye.

Jackie

Well, if you're kicking her out, then you're kicking me out.

Eric

No, Jackie no. Oh, wait. I mean, bye!

Eric

And then she just comes down into the basement like it's no big deal! And after what happened? And she's just gonna act like everything's cool and everything's fine? You don't love me, you don't get my couch! Or my friends! I'm a packaged deal, baby! So I just told her, "Fire up those walking sticks, Big Red!" Because this ain't happening! I'm not having it!

Hyde

[sighs] Okay, Forman... We were all there, and that ain't how it happened. Wanna talk about it some more?

Eric

Mmmm... no.

Kelso

Hey, uh, puffy-shirt guy called. He wants his puffy shirt back.

Fez

Things at ballet class have taken a turn for the worse. Somehow, I've become one of the girls...a hairy, brown girl.

Eric

Hey, uh, Fez does that shirt come with its own bicycle pump?

Donna

You should talk. [points at Eric's striped shirt] That shirt makes you look like a stick of Fruit Stripe gum.

Eric

God, what did you have for breakfast this morning? Carnation Instant Bitch?

Hyde

Okay, that one was out of the park.

Kelso

So Midge just... took off?

Fez

Ah, poor Donna.

Eric

Yeah, this is really bad.

Hyde

Yeah. Not only did Donna lose her mom, we all lost Midge's sweet, uptown rack.

Fez

Oh, good God, man. What a marvelous set of kittens! Remember that sweater?

Kelso

Remember that other sweater?

Eric

Yeah. Remember that time she ran up to us in a sweater?

Hyde

Remember the week she took up jump rope? In a sweater?

Kitty

[snaps them out of their daydream] Eric! What are you boys thinking about so hard?

Eric

Nothing.

Hyde

Homework.

Kelso

Jesus.

Fez

Kittens.

Kitty

Eric, I need you to take a casserole to the Pinciottis. So run upstairs and put on a nice, clean shirt and a sport coat.

Eric

What? No. I'm not going over there. Donna and I broke up, and things are... weird with us.

Kitty

Well, that's too bad. Because I went over there, and Bob's a crier. And a hugger. And when you get caught in a crying-Bob hug, there is no escape! AND I CANNOT GO BACK OVER THERE!!

Kelso

72936.... ampersand?

Eric

Oh yeah maybe. I'm not really sure how to dial that though.

Kelso

You just [points to phone] ...oh man me neither.

Eric

You know, I wasn't that worried about Donna and my mom talking about me but now that I'm all paranoid I'm all, like paranoid. I mean, when did it become okay for them to be friends?

Hyde

Right after your father replaced you with a semi-literate pretty boy.

Kelso

That's me. So, I've been thinking about great actors to model myself after and I choose Travolta.

Hyde

Kelso...I can think of no better way to impress Red than by acting like Travolta in his industrial film. Bravo, man. [claps hands]

Eric

That is good advice. Man, I don't want Donna and my mom talking about me.

Jackie

Yeah, and Donna's a big mouth. Like, she told me how you wore makeup to last year's class picture.

Eric

What? Ha, I did not! I did not. I had a zit. Stop looking at me.

Hyde

Forman, you and I are both victims of parental abandonment. Luckily, I have a rich hippie benefactor. He bought me nudie mags I'd never even heard of.

Kelso

[impersonating Travolta as Tony Manero] Yeah, I stock this shelf! But someday I'm gonna dance across this whole city. [back to own voice] That's dead-on.

At your house? Will your dad be there? 'Cause I'll go if he's there.

Eric

Okay...what, do you like, you like my dad? [Stacey looks away and to twirls her hair] OH MY GOD, YOU LIKE MY DAD!?

You know if he's seeing anyone?

Eric

Yeah, my mom! And they bought furniture together, so yeah, I think it's pretty serious.

Eric

Hey guys, I have news. Turns out Stacey doesn't even like me.

Kelso

Yeah we kinda expected that.

Hyde

Thought you said you had news.

Eric

Yeah here it comes; She likes Red. [Kelso, Hyde, and Donna laugh]

Donna

Oh my God!

Kelso

Oh...You're gonna have to leave town!

Eric

Why?

Kelso

Obviously we're gonna tell everyone!

Donna

Technically I got you. And then you blew it.

Donna

Eric you have a lot of good qualities. I mean you're funny, like... Well what just happened to you is funny. [the gang cracks up again]

Hyde

That chick likes Red because he's a tough guy, a hard ass. You? You're soft.

How soft is he Hyde?

Hyde

Softer than Liberace at the Playboy Mansion. [Donna and Kelso are laughing harder] Yeah!

Kelso

Because he plays piano! Wait. [Donna whispers in his ear] Oh! BURN!