[at Jackie's dinner party, a drunk Eric serenades Donna with his own version of Hey Paula. Schoolmate Timmy is on the piano]
EricHey, hey Donna, I wanna sing to you, hey hey hey Donna, no one else will ever do, I've waited so long for [voice cracks] school to be through, Donna, Donna, I love you [high-pitched] hey hey Donna!!
Eric, get down off there right now!
Eric
What's the problem Donna?
TTimmy
Yeah, what's the problem Donna?
Timmy, go get your pants on or I'll beat the crap out of you! [Timmy runs out of the room] Eric, remember when I told you to loosen up?
Eric
Oh yeah baby.
[grabs trophy Eric uses as microphone] Well, tighten up baby. When the house is on fire, the party's over.
Eric
Well, hey, this was your idea.
Eric, I told you to loosen up, not act like a dink.
Eric
Well I'm new at this [grabs the trophy back] so sue me. [sings again] Sue, sue, sue me!! Sue me Donna!
[Fez tries out Twister on his own]
Ok, here we go. [spins the spinner] Right hand blue. [does game behind the couch.]
Eric
Fez, you can't play Twister by yourself.
That's where you're wrong, my friend. [pause] Right leg green. Oh, that's gonna be tough. [leg appears above the couch, then he slowly puts it back down]
Hey, Fez, man. The circus called. They said they'd pay you fifty bucks a week if you can kiss your own ass.
Hey, there kids, where've you two been?
God, Dad, can't we be gone for a minute without you making all sorts of accusations? I mean, God, it was just a minute!
Eric
To be fair, Donna, it was a little more than a minute.
Look, man. If God had meant for virgins to lose it to other virgins, he wouldn't have given us middle-aged hookers, man!
Amen, brother! Because if there's one thing men like us know, it's how to have sex. ...Oh, I cannot live with this lie. Everyone, prepare to be shocked. I, Fez...am still a virgin.
Eric
[sarcastically] Gosh, my world no longer makes sense. Fine, Hyde. But now that the middle-aged hooker ship has sailed, what am I supposed to do?
Well, I know I got a lot better when I started making out with your sister. I got it! You should make out with my sister!
Kelso, man, I've seen your sister. She's a virgin, and she's gonna be for a long time.
Hyde, what are you saying?
Eric
Well, I think he's saying... "Moooo!"
Okay, maybe you did not hear me. Fez, the man you all revere... has still not had sex.
Yeah, heard you the first time. Forman, you've gotta figure out what you're doin' wrong, man. And fast. You know what women call guys who are lame in the sack? Just friends.
Yeah, but you can't let the pressure get to you. I mean, don't think about how embarrassing it'd be if you tried, and you couldn't. How she'd stare at you with those cruel black eyes. As if to say... "You're not really a man, Michael! YOU'RE NOT A MAN AT ALL!"
Eric
[pause] O...kay. Well, this has been... really helpful, guys.
Alright, you called my bluff. I am not really a virgin. [chuckles] ...Yes, I am.
[Arriving home after watching Annie Hall]
Eric
Hey, do you wanna go see Close Encounters sometime?
Eric
Very cool. Good night, Mom. [kisses Kitty on cheek before going to the kitchen. Red walks in as Kitty starts to cry.]
Oh, what'd he do? I swear I'll kick his ass!
[Eric starts to drive the car into the garage]
Eric
What the...?
You're moving it a foot and you hit something. Jeez.
Eric
Oh my God! Its... Its Mr. Bonkers.
Wow. That is one dead cat.
[Kelso continues to write his song and practice the chords]
"I didn't mean to cheat, but she forced me. Downright coerced me." [pauses] That's kinda good. [writes lyrics]
Eric Forman
Man, I just asked her (Donna) for a root beer.
You tried to control her Eric, and the women always controls the men.
Eric
Donna does not control me!
Oh Eric, you have so much to learn, my friend.
I wish Jackie was still controlling me. I love being on a short leash. [pauses, and strums guitar again] "Put the SHORT LEASH BACK ON ME!"
Eric
Kelso, uh, let me see that for a second. [picks up guitar and smashes it on table]
[laughs] You know that was kind of funny, that was your guitar. [pauses] BURN!
Eric
[after hearing Kelso's song] Well... I think that you should draw her a picture.
Hey pal, you think you're funny? Well someday Donna's gonna crush your stupid little heart, too!
Eric
Yeah... see, I don't think so because I've taken special precautions to prevent that very thing from happening. For instance, I don't sleep with other women.
Yeah, well it's only because you're chicken!
Eric
Okay, Laurie, I know what you told Hyde.
What are you talking about, loser?
Eric
The camp story. Doctor Pee Pee. You're dead.
[whispering to Hyde] what's going on?
Eric
Well, I know some stuff about you, little lady. Fellas, Laurie here waxes her lips, legs, eyebrows, toes, and shoulder blades.
In the fifth grade, Eric sent away for the Charles Atlas kit 'cause a girl kicked sand in his face.
Eric
You stuffed in high school.
Eric
Last year Laurie used all of her birthday money to buy a back massager; which isn't fooling anyone, by the way.
Well, that's not as bad as the time I walked in on you in bed with your Dorothy Hamill poster and you were all--
Eric
Laurie was born with a tail!
[Fez gasps.]
Eric
Yeah! Laurie was born with a tail!
I HATE YOU! [runs upstairs]
Eric
It's true. [puts hands together and makes a tail]
Okay. Lets see your pictures. Kitty, what do you see when you think of God? [Kitty shows picture] Oh, that's nice. Very lifelike.
See He's, um, He's looking down fondly on all of us going to church.
Steven. [Hyde shows picture of a man with long hair and a beard] Very good. I see, when you think of God, you see Jesus.
Eric
Oh my God, man. I drew Clapton too.
[Red scolds Eric on picking up boxes]
Eric, bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm gonna-
Eric
[as he logs the boxes in a clipboard] -kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah yeah yeah...
[After Jackie mauls Laurie]
I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me slut rabies.
Eric
Jackie, you're my hero. [Jackie looks confused. Eric continues] You hit her in the eye.
Yeah but I guess it wasn't very zen of me, was it Hyde?
Well, where zen ends, ass-kicking begins. And that's your final lesson, grasshopper.
[Hyde scans pictures of Jackie's yearbook copy when he sees something]
Oh my God, someone in the crowd is mooning! [gang rushes to see it.] You're all cheering away and all the time you're getting mooned, yeah!
Eric
Oh, my God, that's a girl butt. There's girl butt in the yearbook. Oh man, I can't tell who it is, I wish we had a magnifying glass.
[whips out a magnifying glass] Here you go. [Gang looks back at him.] I was just playing with some bugs.
God, I can't believe it, someone's nasty butt is in my picture.
Eric
Oh my God, that's not girl butt...that's Donna's butt! [Kelso, Hyde and Fez look at a pleased Donna, and then at her butt]
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
