Eric Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Hyde

Hey, Forman. Got any naked pictures of your grandma?

Eric

[shocked and angry] NO!

Hyde

[laughing maniacally, hands him the box] Well, you do now!!

Eric

Hyde's mom is gone, and he is going downhill. I mean, he's sitting over there in the dark eating ketchup off crackers.

Kelso

I ate gum off a parking meter once. But it was on a dare. I made a dollar. Man, there's some suckers out there!

Fez

Crackers and ketchup are "K" words. Which makes them naturally funny.

Donna

[laughing] Oh, my God! I can feel, like, all the molecules in my body! I'm gonna count them! One, two, three...

Eric

[playing with View-Master] You guys disgust me. Doesn't anyone care about Hyde? ...Oh my God, run Scooby! Now, run!

Kelso

You know what's freaking me out? I saw Jackie sick, without makeup. And it was, like, the freakiest thing I've ever seen in my entire, entire life. Including the class trip to the sausage factory.

Fez

Ai, if I never see the inside of another cow, it will be too soon! Jerky?

Donna

Eighteen, nineteen... I have the biggest hands in the world! Dammit! One, two...

Eric

So his mom's gone, and I know he doesn't want any help. But the Donner party didn't get any help, and then they ate each other so... [to Fez] Hey, don't bogart that jerky.

Kelso

Yeah, no parents would be cool! Like The Lord of the Flies!

Eric

Kelso, did you ever finish Lord of the Flies?

Kelso

No. So?

Eric

Nothing. Look, what are we gonna do about Hyde? We should tell someone.

Kelso

What am I gonna do about Jackie? I can't even look at her!

Fez

She's unpleasant when she's healthy, so I can only imagine how she looks like!

Donna

Hey, Kelso... Jackie's my friend. [points finger at him] And you're shallow... [looks at finger] and pathetic. And you know what else? [shows hands] My hands are huge! They're like boxing gloves. [impersonating Muhammad Ali] I am the Greatest!

Eric

Okay, champ. Whatever you—[Donna punches Eric]

Kitty

Oh, Steven, I have a great idea: you can sell lemonade.

Hyde

Mrs. Forman, I've thrown a lot of rocks at kids with lemonade stands... and Lord knows I hate a hypocrite!

Kitty

You could have a little bake sale.

Hyde

I'd pretty much beat up any kid selling anything.

Kitty

Steven, you could just do a little table with some cookies and some brownies..

Hyde

I'm not much of -- brownies. I could make brownies because [stands] people love brownies!

Eric

No, they DON'T.

Hyde

Oh, they love my brownies!

Kitty

Eric, you've hardly touched your breakfast.

Eric

That's because I don't know what it is.

Kitty

Well, it's just, it's eggs and hash and some…surprises!

Eric

Mom, why aren't you eating it?

Kitty

Well, I just, I have never been a breakfast person.

Hyde

Is this rabbit?

Kitty

No!

Laurie

Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?

Kitty

Laurie, it is not dog food. And God, I hope so.

Red

[walks in dressed in a suit and tie] So: would you hire me?

Laurie

I'd hire you, Daddy! Especially if the position was world's best father.

Red

So, what does she need to do to get back into school?

Well, she'll have to work with me. Make a commitment...to school. She'll really have to buckle down.

Kitty

Hahahaha! Well what do you think Laurie, are you willing to give it a go?

Eric

Oh, huhuh, mother she's very willing. You know Dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today. In the garage.

Laurie

[thoughts] Burst into flames, burst into flames, BURST INTO FLAMES!

Eric

It was just...it was so surprising.

Hyde

Oh Eric, do tell!

Eric

I saw Laurie....

I'm in love with your daughter! [long pause; Red and Stark get up from the table and walk towards each other] Dad!

Red

That's it! Come here!! [Chases Stark out of the room]

Fez

So you're telling me, if were to go to up to someone's house and say "trick or treat!" they would give me a free piece of candy?

YES!!!

Fez

Oh I don't believe you!

Fez

Trick or treat! [person drops an apple into Fez' bag] An apple? Where's my candy you son of a bitch?!

Donna

How do you do that?

Eric

Do what?

Donna

You always make me feel better.

Eric

Uhm, well thank you.

Donna

I love you, Eric.

Eric

I love... cake.

Hyde

So where's Donna, man?

Eric

Donna? Donna? Oh! You mean that girl who spent last night in my bed?

Hyde

Yeah, yeah, that's the one.

Eric

She went home this morning.

Hyde

So? Ah? Ah? Soooo?

Eric

So let's just say she went home a very happy woman.

Red

Well, that's kind of stupid, Bob.

Bob

Well, I guess the truth hurts.

Red

So does a swift kick in the ass.

Bob

All right, I'm going. But a swift kick in the ass is not the solution to everything, Forman!

Red

I gotta disagree, Bob!

Eric

Uh, Dad... thanks for...

Red

KEEP SWEEPING, SMOKER!

Red

Damn it all to hell!

Kitty

Honey, what's wrong?

Red

"What's wrong?" EVERYTHING is wrong! These damn kids today, they wouldn't know responsibility if it walked up and BIT 'EM IN THE ASS! "Get a job?" HA! It's just party all night, dance all day, and sex everywhere in between! SICKENING! [leaves the kitchen]

Kitty

[unfazed] Laurie's living with a boy?

Eric

Yes.

Kitty

Just... just one boy, right?

Eric

Yeah, I think so.

Kitty

Well now, see, it could've been worse.

Eric

This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.

Red

Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?

Eric

Because he had a smart mouth?

Red

That's right.

Kelso

I have a right to bear arms, that's in the Constitution!

Fez

Well Kelso, not everything in the Constitution makes sense.

Eric

Whoa, Fez, shut up.

Red

[overhears remark] What did you say?

Fez

Nothing.

Red

[grumbles] Foreigners...

Eric

[to Red] Look at him. He's magnificent. He's the king of the forest, just like...Bambi's dad. It's beautiful.

Red

[shoots deer] Yeah, and I bet he tastes beautiful, too. [before going down to collect the deer] Oh, and just for the record, Eric, I'm the king of the forest.

Donna

Actually, Kelso. You know what really makes you horny? Beets.

Kelso

Yeah, right.

Eric

Nah, it's true, I saw it on 60 Minutes, man. Beet farmers with like, ten, 15 kids.

Kelso

Man, how's come everything that's good for you always tastes so bad? [gets can opener and tries to open can of beets] I'm trying it!

Kitty

[enters kitchen] Michael, honey, don't eat our beets! [gets can]

Jackie

You know, Michael, Mrs. Forman's right. You're horny enough as it is. Sometimes, I wish you had two girlfriends. [gang looks at her]

Kelso

Oh my God, are you serious?

Jackie

What?

Kelso

Nothing!

Hyde

I'll be in the basement.

Kitty

No, you sit!

Hyde

Oh, sure, when things get ugly, suddenly I'm family!

Laurie

Not to me, freak.

Hyde

You are so going to end up in porno!

Kitty

[sees a grumpy Red walk in] Hi honey! [Red walks over to the bar and begins pouring a drink]

Eric

Right to the bar. Not a good sign.

Red

What are you all looking at? Don't you think that...Price Mart's new supervisor deserves a drink?

Kitty

Yay!

Red

Yeah, I got it!

Eric

Hey, congratulations, Dad.

Red

Thanks, Eric. Oh, and you're fired.

Eric

What, you can't do that!

Red

Yes I can! You're fired!

Eric

Hey, you know what? I'm not fired.

Red

Ok, if it's so important to you, you're not fired. But if your grades start to slip, you are fired! I love saying that!

Hyde

God help the poor bastards who work for you, huh?

Eric

[laughs] Wait, uh, I work for you.

Red

I know!