[Flashback]
Young EricI am so baked! I think. No, yeah I am... I think.
You know guys, I've been living my life all wrong. All I ever thought about was school. Studying, reading, homework... well, that's over! Thanks, Hyde.
Hey, man, don't thank me. Thank my mom. If she hadn't have passed out, I couldn't have raided her stash.
You have the best mom ever!
Young Eric
Hey, guys, you know what? Yesterday, I was wrestling with Donna, and I felt her boob! It was beautiful... and squishy.
Squishy... Hey, guys! I had this dream that I was kissing my English teacher. And when I woke up, I was stuck to my bed. [chuckles]
Kelso, man, that's not normal. You could die. ...Hey, isn't your English teacher a guy?
Yeah. ...No, I meant my Spanish teacher. She's a girl. Man, what's in this stuff?
Young Eric
Hey guys. I'm having the best time ever. I think. No, yeah I am.
[The guys enter a bar]
Eric
All right. They didn't even check our fake IDs.
And I wasted a whole day thinking up my fake name.
Yeah. Sorry, "Pez." Let's drink.
BBud
So, fellas, school let out early?
Eric
Kelso, shut up!
Uh, I mean, no. No, we're old. We're workers. We're all construction workers. Hey, fellas, did you see that brick today? Whoo!
BBud
Relax, guys. It's "Serve a Minor Night" at the old "Don't Have a Liquor License" Saloon [to Hyde] You look familiar. Do I know you?
I should hope so...Dad. [Kelso, Eric, and Fez are aghast]
[Eric and Donna are making out in his bed, but Donna discovers an issue of PlayPen on the floor]
You keep a stack of dirty magazines under your bed? [gets up to look under his bed]
Eric
What? No! God, not a stack. You know, what is a "stack" really?
Why do you have these down here?
Eric
Now, wait, Donna...downstairs you were laughing and cracking jokes about this stuff.
Eric, that was in the basement...with our idiotic friends. Why do you need them? Aren't I enough? [throws the magazines at him]
Eric
No-Yeah, you're enough. God, you're...you're plenty. It's just, uh, that, uh... you see, Donna, you see, what I do with dirty magazines... is... really only interesting to me.... with the reading of the articles and the solving of the puzzles and whatnot.
You know what? I don't wanna know bout the whatnot. I'm outta here [leaves room]
Eric
[to magazines] Oh, no, girls. She's onto us.
[The gang think of ways on how to spend their Halloween. Kelso has an idea.]
You know what would be fun? If we were in an Alfred Hitchcock movie right now, and we didn't know it. And then, someone one told us and we were all like, “Oh man! I'm in a movie!" [Hyde, Kelso, Donna, Eric, Jackie, and Fez individually give surprised looks to the camera]
Yeah, ok, I'm out of here.
Eric
Wait, but I thought we-
Eric
Ok, I'll do that.
[Red and Eric are summoned to testify about Earl's wrongful termination suit against Red]
Eric
I guess "violent" is the wrong word... but, you know, it's definitely some kind of rage. Although, I mean, you know, Earl had it coming. I love you, Daddy.
EEarl
[enters room panting] Oh, hey. Sorry I'm late.
MMediator
Hour and 10 minutes late. I can only assume you're Earl.
EEarl
Yeah. So, um, sorry. My, uh, dog got hit by a...a guy in a....
EEarl
Thanks, Red. So, what'd I miss?
MMediator
You missed everything. Okay. I'm not gonna lie. Mr. Forman, you...you scare the living hell out of me. No offense.
Eric
That's kind of his thing.
MMediator
But, Earl, in light of your failure to show up for your own hearing... we have no choice but to rule in favor of Mr. Forman.
Eric
Way to go, Dad!
MMediator
And Mr. Forman, even though this hearing did go your way today...in light of some of your son's responses... I would strongly encourage you to go to anger management classes.
Sure, I'll...I'll do that [Mediator leaves with Earl close behind]
Eric
Neat! Anger management. That sounds like it could be kind of fun, right? We...We won. Hey! You and me...We're such a good team. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah. We did it. How about us, huh? Stickin' it to the man.
[obviously angry] I'll see you at home. [leaves room]
Eric
Wait. But, Dad, we...we drove here together!
[Donna faces Shelly over panties found in Eric's car]
Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
SShelly
Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front.
[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]
So these are some other girl's panties?!
Whoa-whoa-whoa. No offense, Donna- [to Eric] but dude, you're on fire!
SShelly
You know what Eric, I don't need this. [Walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
Eric
Donna, look, you have to believe me, I have no idea whose panties those are.
[walks in] Donna, [takes the panties] those panties are mine.
ERIC!! Oh, oh....[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!
[sets Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
[interrupts Midge] And please be as specific!
Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places. [Kelso and Fez stand up, cringing at the thought]
SShelly
Doesn't your girlfriend mind you spending so much time with me?
Eric
Well, no. Apparently, she's thrilled about it.
SShelly
Well, she's crazy. Because if I was your girlfriend, I would wanna kiss you all the time.
Eric
Really?
[Shelly kisses Eric, who quickly breaks away]
Eric
Whoa! Hey, come on, lady! I'm spoken for! [pause; Shelly stares at him] Wow!
[Kelso and Fez run into the Hub]
Hey, did we miss anything?
Eric
What? God, no! You didn't miss anything!
[The guys see Donna walk inside]
Alright, people! Let's back up! Give 'em some room here!
Eric
Hey, Donna. Hi, hello.
Don't "Hey, Donna. Hi, hello," me! I trusted you, and you cheated on me with this slut!
Eric
Donna, I don't think–
Yeah, I said it! You want some of this?! Come on!
Eric
Donna, hey, whatever you think happened–
I know what happened. [holds up panties] I found these in your car!
Eric
Panties?
A-ha. So he admits they are panties.
[to Shelly] Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
SShelly
Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front.
[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]
So these are some other girl's panties?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No offense, Donna... [to Eric] but dude, you're on fire!
SShelly
You know what, Eric? I don't need this. [walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
Eric
Donna, look, you have to believe me. I have no idea whose panties those are.
[walks in] Donna! [takes the panties] Those panties are mine.
ERIC!! OH! OH...[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!
[pulls Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
[interrupts Midge] And please be as specific!
Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places.
[Kelso and Fez stand up and cringe]
That is Marissa. Carol's baby. And you promised me last night that you'd babysit her.
Last night? But I was drunk. Why can't you do it?
Because you promised. And besides your father and I are having fondue and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.
No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.
Eric
Oh, look Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your Black Mass!
Eric, what did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?
Eric
That it's offensive to the devil?
[Red is making good progress with his barbecue war against Bob]
Well, we've gone through three batches of Ambrosia salad.
Three batches! Not since D-Day has there been such a complete and glorious victory. [laughs. Donna approaches] Oh uh, hi Donna.
Well I hope you're all happy, cause you ruined my Dad's barbecue. All he wanted was one more good day before everybody found out that his store was closing and he's going bankrupt.
Eric
[surprised] Wait? What?
Yeah, Bargain Bob's is closing this week so....congratulations. [walks away]
Eric
Oh my God, I feel so bad.
Well you should, you ruined his barbecue. Why would you do that?
Eric
Wha...me? You coulda, you -
Eric, for God's sakes, the man is almost a veteran.
Eric
Ok, fine. You know what. Fine, it's all my fault. But Dad you, you gotta make everyone here go next door.
Eric, you're right. We have got to go over there. They are our neighbors, they are our best friends.
Yeah, I suppose. [addresses guests] All right freeloaders, let's move it on over to Bob's! [everyone starts to leave] Eric, grab that keg.
Eric
Ok, I'm on it. [tries to carry but the keg wouldn't budge]
[The guys play quarters at Bud's Christmas party]
I miss my funnel. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Eric, drink.
Okay, if I was Tattoo, and I lived on Fantasy Island, my fantasy would be to not be a midget. Am I right? [throws quarter and hits the glass] Hmmm... Eenie, meenie, miney, Forman.
Eric
You know, Hyde, at first I thought your dad was a real dirtbag. But I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirtbag and Father of the Year! [throws quarter and hits the table] Damn!
Fellas, I have to be honest. I've never played quarters before, so I probably stink. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Oh, happy day! Eric.
Man, this is the worst game in the world. I'm so thirsty. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Dammit! Eric, drink!
I mean... he lives on Fantasy Island, man! And he's a midget! It's so obvious! [throws quarter and hits the glass] Hmmm. Mmmmm, Forman!
Eric
Does anyone else feel kinda woozy? [throws quarter and hits the table] Oh, what the hell, man?!
If I make this shot, I promise I will not pick you, Eric. [throws quarter and hits the glass] ...I pick you, Eric. It's fun to lie!
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
