SpongeBob SquarePants quotes

See these ice cube trays? [points to barrel] I want ya to put 'em in that bucket.

Patrick

How do I do it?

Figure it out!

Patrick

Uh... I have to be very gentle. [Patrick does the exact opposite; he closes the doors, picks up the freezer and throws it on the bucket, causing it and the freezer to break into pieces]

What the...? What are ya doin'?!

Patrick

[stacking ice cubes on remains of barrel] Almost done, Mr. Krabs. [stacks on last ice cube, causing pile to collapse]

You've destroyed me refrigerator. [picks up melting ice cubes] You've destroyed many of the things I love. [grabs Patrick by the arm] I got another job that even a nimrod like you couldn't mess up.

Oh, darling, it's so nice to spend quality time with you; what with you in the office all hours of the day. [Mr. SquarePants snorts. BlackJack busts down the door and laughs, scaring Mr. SquarePants and Mrs. SquarePants as they scream]

I got a new outfit for ya! [laughs. Both parents are whimpering]

SpongeBob

That fiend! Where did he take them? I must find more evidence. What's this? Another note. [reads note] SpongeBob, I paid your parents a visit. Now, I'm going to do the same with Gramma! You better hurry, little man-boy. BlackJack. [end of note] He's going to get Grandma, too! I have to stop him! [cut to Grandma's house] Grandma, where are you? Are you okay? Grandma? You in here? Grandma? [sees a gingerbread man on a plate] Oh, no, I'm too late! He burnt you to a crisp! Oh, that animal! [cries]

SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

Grandma? Are you talking to me from beyond the beyond?

Well, if you mean from beyond the kitchen table, yes. You're just in time. I've baked a fresh batch of gingerbread men.

SpongeBob

But where's BlackJack?

Oh, BlackJack just called and left a message for you. He couldn't make it because he's got some loose ends to tie up.

SpongeBob

Loose ends. My parents! He's tied them up?!

And if you don't hurry, you'll miss out on all the fun. [SpongeBob imagines his parents being hung over a boiler by BlackJack. He screams as his head bends and an identical head pops up from his mouth] And when it's all done, he'll need help cleaning up the mess.

SpongeBob

Cleaning up the mess? [his face deflates] I got to get help! I'll go to Uncle Captain Blue's! He'll know what to do.

[chanting] We want Mermaid Man! We want Barnacle Boy! [kids throw Squidward into the window, which solidly flattens and Squidward slides away. The kids chant some more while throwing stuff around] We want Mermaid Man! We want Barnacle Boy! We want Mermaid Man!

Uh, hey, kids? [The kids stop chanting] Uh, well, there's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy... in the ballroom. [all the kids run inside the ballroom and Mr. Krabs closes the door behind them to keep them inside] SpongeBob!

SpongeBob

[He jogs over] Yes, sir.

Go get those AWOL do-gooders you talked me into hirin', and bring their patoots back here on the double!

SpongeBob

Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs. [He runs off-screen]

[Grabs a broom] Back, you! Back! [the broom he was using to keep the kids back is eaten. The scene changes to Shady Shoals Rest Home where all of the fish are either running away or hiding in fear of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's destruction of the place. SpongeBob enters the building]

[to Prisoner 6] Oh, that is very good, Bruiser!

Patrick?/SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

You first.

Patrick

I...I like the other island better!

SpongeBob

ME TOO!

[approaching Sandy] Eat or be eaten!

Sandy

Uh-oh! Next time, I'll bring more granola!

SpongeBob

Oh, I think I landed on my pain center.

Patrick

I think I landed on a rock. [turns and a rock is on the back of Patrick's head]

SpongeBob

[gasps] Patrick, look! There's a weird thing sticking out of the ground right there.

Patrick

That's just Squidward sunbathing again.

[sighs] I don't understand, Squidward. Where are all the customers? I know the Krusty Krab isn't Bikini Bottom's most prestigious eatery, but at least it's better than that salty old Chum Bucket across the street and that's our only competition.

Squidward

Am I getting paid extra for this conversation?

Oh, come on, Squidward. Can't you just pretend to listen for once in your life? Do it for old Mr. Krabs.

SpongeBob

Bye, Squidward! Bye, Mr. Krabs! [sounding flirtatious] Bye, Squidward.

Patrick

You said "Bye, Squidward" twice.

SpongeBob

[seductively] I like Squidward.

A traveling restaurant, eh? It's not fair! I had that idea years ago! No matter. If Mr. Krabs wants to play dirty, then Plankton's ready for his turn to take his turn.

Those nincompoops are better salesman than I suspected.

Karen

Customer approaching.

Hello, little boy. Would you like a chum burger?

Uh, does it come in raspberry?

Um, no.

Blueberry?

No.

Um... raspberry?

Ah, come on, kid! You asked me that already! Now quit wasting my time!

Hey, you can't talk to my son that way! Who do you think you are?

I'm Plankton, you old hag! And your son smells like boogers!

Hey, you can't talk about my wife that way! What do you think this is?!

I think it's time for you to lose some weight, fatty! That's what it is!

Mary

Hey, you can't talk to my grandson like that! Someone oughta put you in a mental hospital!

Someone should put you in a box floating down the river, Grandma!

Mary

...You're probably right.

You people are crazy. I'm getting out of here!

SpongeBob

[the monster's belly is still rumbling] Anything else before we shove off?

I want dessert! [Plankton parachutes down]

SpongeBob

We don't have desserts.

[lands from his parachute] Don't give another penny to those fast-food phonies. That's right, they stole my idea. My, my, my... [the end of the periscope breaks off, he falls down and screams as he rolls into some wet mud, hits a rock and lands next to the Sea Mosnter's foot]

[looks at Plankton] Hey, a chocolate éclair. [to audience] Now that looks like dessert to me.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You got it all wrong, see... Hey! [the Sea Monster chases Plankton through the abyss]

Patrick

The gloves are off now. [takes his hand off to show a human hand] It's booger time!

SpongeBob

Oh, booger, schmooger, you don't even have a nose. [pokes his nose]

Patrick

Oh, yeah? [clenches his face, and forms a nose. SpongeBob gasps, and Patrick picks his nose]

SpongeBob

[screams] Booger! [continues screaming while running to the front door of the Krusty Krab, with Patrick behind him] Run! Run, Mr. Krabs! Patrick is digging for gold! [they run into the kitchen]

Gold? [giggles; runs into the kitchen to find the gold, but comes out with nothing]

Squidward

[to Mr. Krabs] Did you get any of Patrick's "gold"?

He's not digging for any gold I'm looking for!

Squidward

[to the audience] Welcome to the Krusty Krab, where it's almost if the evolutionary clock ticks backwards.

Squidward had a Krabby Patty...

Squidward

Excuse me for just a second. [he pokes his head through the order window to talk to SpongeBob and Patrick] Do you mind? I'm trying to work at a fast food restaurant. You might wanna try it some time!

SpongeBob

I sure would, Squidward. That sounds----

Patrick

Hey, wait a minute! SpongeBob, you already do work at a fast food restaurant.

SpongeBob

Oh, yeah.

Yay!

Squidward

Remind me to fire my therapist.

SpongeBob

Squidward...

Squidward

SpongeBob...?

SpongeBob

You're back! Oh, Squidward...I love you no matter how many times we smash your face.

Squidward

Almost wish that meant something.

Hey, where you going?! Don't leave me! Please, I'm beggin' ya! Look. I can make him handsome again. Watch! [slams the door on Squidward's face repeatedly] See? [slam!] He's getting handsome. It just takes a little- [slam!] -Effort, just a little- [slam!] -Elbow grease. Please! Come back!

Patrick

I'm sorry, SpongeBob, but you've become a negative influence!