[gasps] THE SUPER RARE AND PRICELESS MERMAIDMAN AND BARNACLEBOY TRADING CARD! Patrick, where is it?! Where is it?! Neptune, you did not put that in your pocket, did you?! It's getting all bent up! Bent up! [falls on the ground and cries] Bent uuuup! Bent, bent, bent, bent, bent up!
PatrickSheesh. Don't get your pants up in a square knot, SpongeBob. I don't even believe in pockets. I keep everything I need right here. [a bunch of stuff is shown in his back] In the folds of my back fat. [pulls card out of his back] You seem to be pretty fond of this little thing. Why don't you just keep it?
You mean... [sniffles] you'd give me your most valuable possession?
Patrick
I'd give you my most valuable possession? [they hug]
You're the best pal ever.
Patrick
I'm the best pal ever. But can you do me one favor?
[Gary's food bowl lands on Squidward, who is on the couch, which is tipped over. Squidward sits up to realize he has the vacuum stuck inside of him] SpongeBob! [he loses balance out of the room, and falls down the stairs. He stops on one stair for the vacuum whirring, and his next step makes him fall off the final stairs before choking out the vacuum] Is it really you? [switches the vacuum to on, allowing it to whir. He picks it up] It is you! [kisses it] Come on, baby. You and I will walk out of this horror show the way we walked into it: with dignity and aplomb. [he walks out of SpongeBob's house to hear a siren, and sees firemen hosing his burnt house, while SpongeBob and Patrick are there] My house...
Patrick
You just missed the fire. [Squidward walks to the firemen]
What happened to my house? [fireman holds up a burnt casserole]
FFireman
Oh, some knucklehead left a casserole in the oven.
[yelling] SPOOOOOONGEBOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!!!!!!!!
Aw, don't worry, Squidward. You're more than welcome to stay at my house until you get your house fixed.
[Squidward becomes shocked with ominous music playing, he suddenly imagines himself at a table with his vacuum cleaner at the seat across from him.]
Why, yes, I'd love another spot of tea, Mr. Vacuum Cleaner. [holds up the burnt casserole] Care for some casserole? [crazed laughter. Camera zooms in on his pupil, and the scene cuts back to real life]
Squidward? You okay? Squidward? [Squidward faints; yelling] SQUIIIIIIIIIIDWAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRD!!!!!!!!!!
[SpongeBob and Patrick come out of the jail gates.]
You're right, Patboy! This town needs us!
[A man is shown chewing his gum; gum bubble pops]
Patrick
You're chewing too loud! [throws him in jail]
[A man with untied shoes is shown]
Your shoe's untied! [throws him in jail]
Patrick
You're too old! [throws an old woman in jail, which has lots of people]
You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what might be the one and only chance I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of creative hope into the culturally barren wasteland that each and every one of us is forced to call home!
Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.
Now, I don't suppose you two have anything to say for yourselves?
Well, I guess if I was to say one thing, it would have to be: We're sorry, Squidward. [Squidward looks horrified as SpongeBob revealed Squidward's name]
Patrick
Yeah, we're sorry, Squidward.
[frantic] No, no, no, no, no! Shh shh shh...
Hey, did those guys just call you Squidward?
[frantic] No, no, no, no, no! They said "Squilliam"!
Oh! I knew this guy was phony from minute one! I'm gettin' outta here.
Yeah, me, too! I'm gonna get my tuition back!
No! Wait! [everyone walks to the door and Squidward blocks it] NO! You're not going anywhere!
[The door is smashed open and several police fish run in. Squidward, who was flattened against the wall by the door, is grabbed by them]
Wha-What's going on here?
Sorry, Professor, your little symphony is over.
MSMusic School Headmistress
[she and the real Squilliam Fancyson are there] It's true, we're onto your little ruse! [the reporter and cameraman are there too]
BBBikini Bottom News Reporter
What a hot scoop!
MSMusic School Headmistress
The real Squiliam as we all know has a large bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead.
But... [a police officer rips off Squidward's Wig]
GPGreen Police Fish
No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, i'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.
[Squidward is handcuffed and taken away by the police. SpongeBob takes out the metronome, starts it, and he and Patrick start swaying to the rhythm again]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]
Patrick
It looks like they're still not getting used to each other.
Well, these things take time.
[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Duck and Cover!
[the fighting still continues outside of conch street; Mrs. Wormsley leaves Bikini Bottom on a bus as Gary leaves]
Patrick
This town is getting too rough for me.
He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants?
Patrick
Maybe you could take care of them.
Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset.
Yeah. You've seen enough?
Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave]
Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else]
What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving?
This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue]
Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh?
Sort of the same, really.
Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place]
Patrick
I like pie.
[SpongeBob and Patrick are relaxing on Squidward's couch, both looking bored]
Patrick
Yeah?
Patrick
I don't know.
Well, I guess we could play something. [opens a toy chest and rummages through] How about a yo...
Patrick
No.
yo. [tosses it aside] Buried treasure board game?
Patrick
Nah.
Patrick
Hm..... nope. [SpongeBob holds up a ship in a bottle] No. [SpongeBob holds up a paddle ball] Nope. Nope. Uh-uh. No. Nah.
[holding up Old Man Walker] How about this?
Patrick
Uh-uh.
[tosses Old Man Walker aside, then falls into the chest and re-emerges with action figures] Hey, we could play with our Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy action figures! Ew. Barnacle Boy's all chewed up. And slimy.
Patrick
[chewing on a Mermaid Man action figure] Yeah, that'll happen.
[tosses Barnacle Boy aside, wipes his hand, and wades through toys] Ugh, there is just nothing to play with.
Patrick
There's gotta be something we can do.
[walks out of the shower] Ladda-de ladd-dum ladda-do... Hey! What are you doing in my house?
Hi, Squidward. Can you think of anything fun we can do?
Patrick
Well, yeah, we thought of that one.
[pushes SpongeBob, Patrick, and a pile of toys out the door] I believe this pile belongs to you. [throws Old Man Walker out the door]
OMOld Man Walker
Where are we goin' now, boys?
Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered.
[barfs on floor] Something's not right.
PPilar
Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working.
I'm outta here. [throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]
PPilar
[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]
[To Patrick who is sleeping] Patrick!
Patrick
[Wakes up] Huh?
We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas!
Patrick
[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet] Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it!
[Annoyed] NO! That's not it you FOOL! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like Chum is Fum! But different.
Patrick
Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. [Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]
I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"!
PPilar
Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler!
Patrick
Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a fighter plane shooting bullets]
For instance, did you know that SpongeBob was not the first choice to star in the show? [gasps] Hard to believe, I know. Watch these opening themes, and you'll see why he was eventually picked.
[The classic film countdown happens. Painty is shown.]
Oh... [Bikini Atoll is shown. The bubble transition goes until it shows Squidward's house] ♪Who lives in a monument under the sea?♪
[The door opens and Squidward is shown with pants. He looks down in shock. Hans takes the pants off and Squidward smiles.]
KKids
♪Squidward Tentacles!♪ [Squidward falls into a bathtub and his head expands]
♪Obnoxious, abrasive, conceded is he!♪ [water comes out of Squidward's mouth and it covers the screen. One it clears, his name is shown in bubbles]
KKids
♪Squidward Tentacles!♪ [the name bubbles pop]
[as Squidward is shown four times riding his recumbent bicycle with part of his name behind each of the bikes] ♪If practical common sense be something you wish...♪
KKids
♪Squidward Tentacles!♪
[The classic film countdown happens again. Painty is shown but with a different mouth.]
Oh... [Bikini Atoll is shown. The bubble transition goes until it shows Patrick's house] ♪Who lives like a barnacle under the sea?♪
KKids
♪Patrick Sea Star!♪ [the rock opens and Patrick is shown in his underwear. Hans puts his pants on]
Patrick
[laughs] Whoa! [falls and starts guffawing]
[The classic film countdown happens again and Painty is shown for the third time, but with another different mouth.]
Oh... [Bikini Atoll is shown. The bubble transition goes until it shows Mr. Krabs' house] ♪Who lives in an anchor under the sea?♪
KKids
[the door opens to show Mr. Krabs kissing a bag of money. Hans appears and pulls it away] ♪Eugene Krabs does!♪
♪Crusty and red and greedy is he.♪ [the scene shows Hans taking the bag away. Mr. Krabs is following him]
Come back with me money! [money starts to fall out and Mr. Krabs grabs it]
KKids
♪Eugene Krabs does!♪ [Mr. Krabs passes some money and goes back to it and picks it up]
♪If stingy and greedy is something you wish...♪
KKids
♪Eugene Krabs does!♪
Money, money, money, money, money, money.
[the scene returns to him] Ugh. Pretty cruddy, huh, kids?
[Squidward has completed his turn in Tic-Tac-Toe.]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Hmmmm...
Patrick
I'm not seeing anything there.
Yeah, looks like a lot of junk.
What do you mean you're not seeing anything? There's three in a row right here! Tic-Tac-Toe!
[Squidward starts to get irritated.]
Patrick
Easy, friend.
Yeah, relax, Squidward, we're just here to have fun.
Did you hear that, Neptune said this was all because of me.
Patrick
Well SpongeBob that's...
SSadie
Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of that guy! [citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters, and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background]
PPoliceman
He did, did he?
Patrick
Uh... SpongeBob?
Patrick
Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundays you were talking about?
I think now would be an excellent time, yes. [the episode ends with he and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob]
Patrick
Hey, pal, want some of my cotton candy? They gave it to me when I won the dart tournament. I got this, too! Check it out! [shows off his ribbon pin]
That's nice, Patrick, but I don't want any cotton candy.
Patrick
Well, have some. It'll make you feel better.
[his patience has run out and becomes annoyed] I said I don't want any! [turns and knocks it onto the ground]
Patrick
You ruined my cotton candy!
[enraged] Good! Maybe now you know how I feel about you ruining my life!
BTBall Toss Vendor
Check it out! Public fight!
OVOther Vendor
Working at the carnival sure has its perks!
[The crowd gathers around SpongeBob and Patrick]
I have never felt so ashamed.
Patrick
What do you mean?
If it wasn't for your Forever Glue, I wouldn't be stuck in this thing!
Patrick
But I was only trying to help!
[berates Patrick and shouts very furiously] Help?! I think you've "helped" quite enough today!
Patrick
[becomes sad and his eyes tear up, chastened] Okay, if that's how you feel... I won't help you anymore!
[Upset and hurt, Patrick runs off crying hysterically, and the crowd forms a silent angry mob at SpongeBob]
[laughs nervously] A lot of drama with that one.
You know, kid: your body isn't the problem - it's your heart. [inside SpongeBob's body, his heart starts to groan sadly] You deserve what you've gotten. Come on, we're out of here. [the angry crowd leaves, listening to what Sandals says] Some people are just born mean. [SpongeBob frowns in shame]
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
